Need input on explaining a family friend's suicide to a 7yr old

[whitneymum]

Anyone who's dealt with this I would love your words of wisdom. We've had talks about death with our middle kiddo, that's nothing new. In fact my son has a bit of a morbid facination..and that's totally okay with me. Death is weird sometimes when you're 7...and sometimes when your 37 too. I'm not worried about that aspect, what has me wondering how to word is explaining this suicide. It's my son's best friend's grandfather. We go to their house for dinner frequently (either the grandparents or my friend's/his mom's) We've celebrated passover with them and tonight I'll be going to sit shiva (leaving all kids at home).
His friend knows his grandfather took his own life, and I'd like my son to understand he may want to talk about it.

We've explained death pretty matter of factly, basically telling him that everything dies. It's not what we want, it's not something we frequently have a choice in..it just is. We of course follow that up with talking about how it's okay to feel sad, or angry or whatever you need to feel right then. We've talked about being afraid of death, seen a number of dead animals (the cat was euthanized this year, we hike an island nature preserve that is frequented by orcas and often see what's left of harbor seals) All this makes sense to him. I don't know how to explain suicide so it doesn't worry or confuse him. The details are absolutely horrific and cannot be shared with him even a little. He's a very emotional boy who treats even the dead jellyfish on the beach with respect.

We attend church and have talked about souls and heaven..even to the extent that when the cat died he asked to see her body before we buried her and after picking up her paw announced that "she's not here anymore"

I am broken hearted to think I need to explain that someone would choose to end his life.

Sorry this post is all over the place..the details are just tearing me up and I'm baking a pie and trying to unpack a house from 4 days away with 3 kids, a needy dog and a heavy heart for the friends I love.

thanks

[Chamomile Girl]

I don't have any BTDT, but I wanted to say how sorry I am for your friend and family. Your love for your son shines through your post. He sound like a remarkable kid.

[Katielady]

We dealt with this with my 4-year-old a month ago. Different age of course, but I think many of the same principles probably apply. I really like what I read once about how to treat sex ed- you answer questions asked, without elaborating too much, and let them lead the way. I used that for this. I first told him my friend died, and that was enough for the first half of the day, but then as he thought about it he asked what happened. I said, "Something was broken in her brain, and then her body stopped working." He accepted that. Since then I've had a few more talks, mostly when I know I'm obviously sad and I want him to understand why- I'll say, "I miss my friend," and he'll say he does too (he loved her too) and we'll talk about where she might be.

Obviously you'd word it differently for an older child, but I think an emphasis on something being wrong/broken helps, rather than speaking of the person as sick. I think when kids hear about people dying because they were "sick," it can scare them about when they or a loved one get sick. And even with a 7-year-old, I don't think I'd get much into talking about people *choosing* to end their own lives...I'd frame it more as a brain problem, no different than a heart problem.

Anyway, I'd love to see what else people say. This was a close friend of mine who died, and it's something that will affect me for the rest of my life, so I imagine I'll have more complex conversations about it with my kids as they grow up.

I'm so sorry for your loss. It is a terrible thing to experience, and to have to explain to your kids. Truly one of the worst things that can happen in life.

[rhiOrion]

I have a BTDT from a different perspective. My mom's good friend killed herself when I was little. I'm guessing I was about five or so.

My mom didn't hide the facts from me (I don't recall how she treated my younger sister). She told me that her friend was sick and took a lot of pills to kill herself (had it been a more gory method I'm sure she wouldn't have).

To me at the time, dead was dead. The fact that she took her own life didn't really click with me. Though, maybe it would have if I'd been your son's age.

Now it tears me up to think about my mom's friend killing herself. And I'd actually love to hear more about that friend, but I know it's painful to my mom, so I've never asked.

Anyhow, when it happened I was more upset that my mom was upset than I was about the actual death.

[meemee]

btdt. my dd has had a lot of questions about death from the age of 3. so by the age of 7 we had explored all aspects of death - emotional, spiritual, scientific and what we do with the body practises.

then she wanted to know exactly what happened with my bro. and i felt she was ready to understand. so i told her the simple truth. bro unhappy with life. tried hard to live but nothing happened. so he killed himself. she was shocked that someone would do that. she asked me how exactly he did it. and so i told her. she has seen me grieve for him and for her gparents so she knows the grief is the same no matter how they die. she asked me a lot about how he felt. and then later a couple of times 'threatened' me - if you dont do this i will kill myself or i am so sad [at what you did] that i will kill myself. i knew where it was coming from. so i told her 'i hope you dont do it. i would miss you terribly. i love having you around even when i dont like you. however your life is yours and no one can tell you whether to live or die. so if you really want to die i will not stop you.' i've always had the same reaction. she said it in a v. emotional way. and i replied in a v. cool and logical manner. and it completely changed the situation. she sat and seriously thought about it and said - no i dont really want to die.

like pp said i would answer his question without offering anything extra. you wil probably have questions over a few days as he thinks about it. but i would say he was unhappy and took his own life. if the question does come up. i would just say he died. and if ds wants details i would offer any answers. but be simple down to earth, matter of fact.

at 7 my friend came home from school to find her mom in the bathtub after having used a gun to her head.

[Learning_Mum]

I have touched on this topic with DS1. I think basically I said something along the lines of that sometimes people can feel really, really sad and they think that they will never, ever feel better and after feeling sad for a long time they decide that they would rather die than keep on living. I think he asked me a couple of questions which I answered.

Of course all this was only hypothetical so I'm not sure if it would help you in your situation.

[pupsnelda]

BTDT

I had to explain suicide to both of my children, DS 1 was 8 at the time, DS 2 was 5. Their half-sister (not my child but daughter from my ex partner) hang herself at the age of 14. HORRIBLE

For me it was very important not to have any secrets nor forbidden topics in our life, so I decided to tell both children (their father was against it). I kept it very simple, starting with the fact that she had died and then I added that she died because she did not want to live any longer. It was very important for me that they understood that half sis had very severe depression which led to her feeling that she will never will feel different. I did not use the word “depression”, more a picture of having a dark cloud shadowing over her heart and soul which did not go away and made her very sad.

I gave them examples of when they had felt similar to this (like very very sad) and how one thinks in the moment that the sad feeling will never go away but finally each and every time in their past their sadness, hopelessness etc. had gone away.

Having been still a child while she committed suicide, for me it was so important that my children knew and understood (and I talked a lot about this special aspect) that there is always help. That if one feels so desperate, it is important to confide to someone, anyone they feel comfortable with (because in my opinion this girl did not have anyone she could trust), that there are even doctors who can help to lift a shadow.

I did not tell them that she hang herself because I did not want them to have this image in their minds when they think of her. I told them there are many ways to die and that I do not really know which way she chose (no contact between mother of the girl and me), which they accepted.

They took it surprisingly well. We pray often for her, saying how happy we are that she is now together with God, and that one day we are going to see her again.

HTH

[whitneymum]

Thank you all for your responses..I've used a little from each of them. I especially liked yours, pupsnelda, such a loving approach and follow up with them. Thank you for sharing that. I really liked the idea of reminding him that if you feel like that there are things we can do to help.

My son hasn't brought it up much, but I will be participating in the Out Of Darkness suicide awareness walk next month with my friends and their family. I don't think I'm going to have my middle guy come along as he is very empathic and would be worried with so many people so very sad.

Thank you again...MDC always comes through for me with wonderful advice

[Katielady]

Whitneymum, just wanted to say that I LOVE your signature quote. It resonates so much with me about my friend who died. I've been torturing myself a bit because I can't seem to remember a lot of specific conversations with her, even though we talked all the time for hours at a time. But with her the magic was how she made me feel, and *that* I will never forget.

[Cascadian]

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Edited by Cascadian - 6/2/11 at 8:56pm