Do you ever get over

[ebethmom]

Do you ever get past the hurt from feeling like your mother just doesn't like you very much? Sometimes I feel OK with our relationship, but lately I've just felt distant.

I spent the day at my Mom's yesterday. She mentioned to me that my dd is "one stubborn kid." Apparently my Mom had issues with my dd's behavior when dd and ds stayed with her for an overnight two months ago. When my Mom was displeased with my behavior as a kid, she always called me stubborn. My Mom didn't know how to handle me, and apparently she doesn't know what to do with my dd, either.

All of that just brings up all of our issues from growing up. I always felt that my Mom just didn't want to be around me. Now she doesn't want to be around my kids. (My Mom watches my brother's kids twice a week. I live 1 1/2 hours from my Mom, so she only sees my kids every few months.)

Yesterday my Mom told me that if my kids try another sleep over, she only wants them one at a time. She suggested it like it would be a learning experience for my dd (since dd didn't behave, she doesn't GET to go with my ds). That just doesn't fly with me. I'm not going to punish my dd for something that happened two months ago. If I had known it was such a big issue, we would have dealt with it at the time.

Ugh. I just feel like I'll never be the kind of person my Mom wishes I could be.

[tallulahma]

i dont know if you ever get over feeling disliked, its a hard feeling to process.
i eventually cut contact with my mother, its been over 2.5 years- and while i miss the relationship i yearned for- i am slowly growing into the person that *i* can love and the *i* really like... which was much easier to start once i got out from her harsh judgement...

im sorry you are going through this.

[Starflower]

I have noticed that since I have had DD that a lot of issues have come up with my mom - issues I never even knew were really there! I did a lot of therapy pre-child over issues with my dad, but I thought things were cool with mom. As soon as I got pregnant, I started getting into issues with my mom.

At this point, I don't think I will ever be good enough for either of them. But I am finally starting to feel OK about it. I am finally seeing that a lot of this stuff is not my problem, but is mom's or dad's problem. They are both perfectionists and controlling people. I also think that my parents try to "fix" everyone so they don't have to deal with their own issues. I am also learning more about how things were for them when they were children and it's made sense of some of their behaviors - just because I can kind of see where it comes from, kwim?

As for your mom not wanting your kids at the same time - is she trying to completely exclude your DD or just suggesting separate visits? Maybe your mom doesn't feel equipped to deal with both at the same time and if your DS is "easier" then she would do better starting with him. If she's trying to be fair and both kids get equal time, then some one on one time might be good for the kids' relationships with Grandma. However, if she's trying to exclude your DD or use it as punishment, then I would also be very upset.

Have you talked to you mom about this?

[cristina47454]

I agree with Starflower. SOmetimes one on one time is BETTER bcs ea kid gets special attention. And if your mom gets overwhelmed by two kids - esp if she feels like she can't handle them, it's not going to be fun for anyone. I have 3 dds (youngest is only two so she doesn't figure into the equation yet) and my mom has taken ea of the girls on overnights both individually and together. But I think her patience and the quality of the experience is better when it's one-on-one.

[journeymom]

Do you ever get past the hurt from feeling like your mother just doesn't like you very much?

I don't think I ever will completely stop hurting. But I've come a long way. It's not an open wound anymore. It's a scar that hurts sometimes.

It's amazing how quickly we feel cut down and like we're children again, isn't it?