Just whining about the things I can't do

[*MamaJen*]

I know, I know, I really need to be counting my numerous, numerous blessings and not whining about the few things that aren't perfect. I have everything I need, a lot of the things I want, and a wonderful, sweet, curious, loving, healthy two year old son. I just started a public policy masters program that I love.
But...here comes the vent. Right now, DS has no unsupervised visitation with his dad (long story). I do get some help from friends, and my sister and I trade babysitting pretty frequently. But in this graduate program I'm in, they really stress all these extracurricular things they want you to do. It's stuff that really interests me, and literally every professor has flat out stated that doing these things outside of class are more important to your career than the grades you make. There are all these professional journals and student groups and internships and stuff, as well as tons of social networking events -- and I swear, it seems like every single one of them meets at 5:30 p.m., right when I'm picking DS up from daycare and going home to make us dinner and spend a few hours with him.
One of my professors was planning a party at her house at 7:30 p.m., and I was going to swing by with DS -- they wound up switching it to 5:30 happy hour at a bar. If it was just one or two things I wouldn't care, but it just seems like everything in this program outside of the pure classwork is off-limits to me because I'm a single mom. This is a really liberal, left-leaning public policy program and I know that nobody is deliberately trying to marginalize single moms (make that single mom -- I'm the only one). But I do feel marginalized.
I dunno, I know this vent sounds kind of spoiled and lame and whiney, but it's just another reminder that so many things are closed off to me as a single mom. I know some of it is just having a toddler period, but if I had a partner to help out, so many more things would be open to me.
Does anyone feel the same way? Or do I need to buck up and stop whining? Truly, most of the time I do remember to count my blessings, but sometimes it's hard not to feel left out.

[orangecanoe]

Honestly, the lack of childcare for events is lack of childcare. Say you had a partner who worked late hours, you'd still have the same dilemma, yes?

Not trying to minimize, but I'm feeling in a similar bind lately and I know it's because I've been dragging my feet on finding a couple sitters who might be available when I need them or calling in favors to people who have offered to help.

I say make attending a certain number of events and make it a priority for you. Could you arrange to have someone else pick up your toddler at daycare on those days there is a 530pm event? It sounds like it would really be worth your while careerwise.

[Freedom~Mama]

I am in a slightly different position since I am still working on undergrad stuff and don't really feel the same pressure to network, volunteer, do internships etc. I am sure though when the time comes that I start grad school I will have many of the same frustrations as you. One of my best friends recently got her Masters in Social Work and is a single Mom and she said it was extremely stressful trying to balance everything but that it was more than worth it. She now has a job she absolutely loves and was born to do. I hope I feel that same way when all is said and done!

You are an inspiration to me. You are such a strong, smart, and knowledgeable woman and I am sure even though it feels frustrating now it will all be worth it! You are awesome Jen!!

[PoppyMama]

It is a problem and not anyone but someone in the position can feel it. I've taken my kids to happy hour before and he might be bored and people might be surprised but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. You might discuss how unfriendly the program is to single parents with your professor...I don't know if that would be beneficial or not. Sucks.

[LoveOhm]

I am completing my undergrad degree but everyone I know who is working toward a masters or higher degree struggle with the balance of outside activities in their field. I can relate now because one of my work fields requires quite a bit of networking....

As a single mom I think we are especially sensitive to the issue because it requires childcare (and the cost for that care) for us. I do miss alot of events but I will share some of the tools that work for me as a solo mama trying to balance school, networking, parenting and socializing (aka dating)!

I offer to host things that are family friendly and state openly that children and spouses are welcome. If you don't want to do it at your home offer to coordinate something like a morning hike or an afternoon of bowling - you don't have to take on all the cost just set it all up.

Build a network of people you can swap babysitting with - your sister is a great start but I like to have 2-3 people so I am not burdening anyone too much. Nothing huge like a babysitting co-op but just 2-3 families.

Establish an early bedtime. I know this sounds harsh but really if you child is asleep by 7pm every night it's easier and cheaper to find childcare in my experience. I can still make it to meetings and catch the end of most social activites which is better than not going at all...... this is also nice for doing homework or having a date over.

As your income or space allows I strongly suggest considering having an undergrad student stay in your home in exchange for X number of hours of childcare each week or get an au pair. I had a friend do this and it was such a blessing since she is a solo mama lawyer....

It's a struggle but really as my daughter grows I know she needs to see me truly follow my dreams. I think you should pick and choose events and all will fall into place. You are an inspiration and I know your DS is lucky to have a mommy as wonderful as you!

[Halfasianmomma]

I feel your pain mama, especially today.

I just turned down a job offer that was very interesting in terms of the job description and the doors it would open professionally, but was really poorly paid, was very far from where I live (would require purchasing a car), was contractual (so no guarantee of contract renewal) and would require me to pay a lot to get DD and myself insured. Right now, I make good money, my insurance is paid 100% by my employer and I can travel by subway...If I didn't have a child, I probably would have just jumped and taken the risk, or moved closer to the job...but with DD...I just can't.

I've also been thinking about doing an MA with the aim of teaching at the collegial level, but where I live, there are NO online MA's in English Lit, and I can't go to night classes right now. DD is too young and clingy. And I need to keep working full time so I have to do it online somehow (and American universities are far too expensive for me!).

So, yeah, I feel your pain.

[sparklefairy]

I understand.
And in my life, that's definitely more a result of maternity than being a single mom. When I was partnered, their dad wouldn't have provided child care for those events either.

[doubledutch]

i'm sorry. my mom was a student single mama while i was about ages 4-6. i'm sure she missed out on a lot, but she also just brought me (and my brother) with to a lot of things, which was probably a hassle for her but was really cool for us! i also really like the idea of hosting/organizing when possible - it doesn't help with the things that are already planned by others, but it might help you feel a little bit less left out.

eta: i also have certain things i feel left out of, because i just can't possibly make it, and it's hard. i don't think we should buck up and stop whining (because it's not whining, really). talking about it helps us feel less alone and figure out ways to work around it - and it's good to talk to your friends who get it, but also good to talk to the people involved, not like, "hey you're leaving me out and it's not fair," but more like, "hey, 5:30 is the worst possible time for me - would 8pm work for you guys? or lunch? could we start mixing up the schedule a bit more?"

[LoveOhm]

Originally Posted by sparklefairy

I understand.
And in my life, that's definitely more a result of maternity than being a single mom. When I was partnered, their dad wouldn't have provided child care for those events either.

this seems to be what my married friends tell me too! It actually funny two of the married mom's I know only leave the kids at home with dad after the kids are in bed for the night or if it's an emergency. One of them even brought her two children to her OB appointment while dad was working at home (with a flexible WAH job)...... SMH! So no it's not just us single mama's who struggle with this. I know any future children (and any marriage for that matter) will have to be with a true partner but that also brings other challenges - like them wanting more of a say in parenting decisions - even with that challenged I know in the future I want/need a "hands on" partner.

Originally Posted by doubledutch

i'm sorry. my mom was a student single mama while i was about ages 4-6. i'm sure she missed out on a lot, but she also just brought me (and my brother) with to a lot of things, which was probably a hassle for her but was really cool for us! i also really like the idea of hosting/organizing when possible - it doesn't help with the things that are already planned by others, but it might help you feel a little bit less left out.

eta: i also have certain things i feel left out of, because i just can't possibly make it, and it's hard. i don't think we should buck up and stop whining (because it's not whining, really). talking about it helps us feel less alone and figure out ways to work around it - and it's good to talk to your friends who get it, but also good to talk to the people involved, not like, "hey you're leaving me out and it's not fair," but more like, "hey, 5:30 is the worst possible time for me - would 8pm work for you guys? or lunch? could we start mixing up the schedule a bit more?"

I agree with this too! Since dd was born I researched, did interviews, wrote several book proposal, had pitch meetings, photo shoots, etc. for the babyfood cookbook I co-authored, sold to a NY publisher and is now sold in stores. My daughter came along to EVERYTHING and while it took longer to get somethings done and I was sometimes quite distracted it was overall worth it to have her there.

I find it more challenging to bring dd along for things since my current projects are not child-related and because dd is older (3.5 years) and rarely sits still..... but this is something I am actively working on. One thing that is a little different then what appears to be the average approach here on MDC is that I am "taking time for training" (as Jane Nelson says in her Positive Discipline books) and I feel my behavior expectations of my 3.5 year old dd are far higher than the typical MDC AP families, but not more than most Montessori families. Because of this I feel more confident taking my dd into plays even when the tickets request no children under X age, or to art museums that are mostly adult patrons, etc. But it does not come without planning there are certain games and toys that only come out at these times (it makes them special since she can't have them all the time). I am also thinking of getting an iTouch or iPad for use only in times when dd needs to be occupied and is out with me and something that may not be of interest to her directly. having it only for those times increases the odds that it will actually occupy her.

Best of luck in balancing it all it truly can be a challenge for all moms.

[Dingletwitz]

As an undergrad, some of my best learning was at 2 a.m. in some dive with peers. As a grad student, some of my best learning was at 2 a.m. in my living room. I was writing a dissertation, teaching part-time, and working full time when dd was itty-bitty. Granted, I did nothing but nurse a kid when I was home, went to daycare at lunch time, etc., but it was the trade-off. Student loan money was used on daycare/sitters even though I was working, and this was another little sacrifice. It's manageable. I missed all the grad-school-peer-gatherings, but honestly, I didn't MISS them, kwim? I made it through, maybe not as the stellar, overachieving student of my past, but done is done, ya?

[happysmileylady]

I totally and completely understand, I felt exactly the same way when I was in school, and I was only going for a BA in El Ed. I even had a professor tell me that basically what I was doing wasn't for a single mom. It was incredibly frustrating. I really felt like the discrimination and stigma that is supposed to be gone regarding single moms (and young single moms in particular, I was 18 when dd was born) was truely alive and well, if only just much better disguised.