Do you get defensive? By that I mean "Mama Bear" defensive.

[WindyCityMom]

Hello again!

My DH and I were having a discussion about this, he feels that I need to keep my mama bear instinct at bay. When people question my parenting choices I feel like I need to jump at their throats and defend not only myself, but my children.

Example 1:

SIL: Are you going to put M (My 8mo) in daycare? You know, so they can teach her things and she can learn them.
Me: (Snarky tone) What exactly does she need to be taught?

Example 2:
FIL: Can I give M a piece of Watermelon? (yes, 8mo but doesn't do solids yet because she frankly hates them.. unless it's mango )
Me: NO. (Firmly)
FIL: She needs something besides MILK.
Me: No, she doesn't. She's only a baby. She's perfectly health and happy.

Those might not be the best examples but they were fresh in my memory.

Anyone else get like this? I personally hate it. I just can't help it though, but I feel like I need to keep mama bear in check.

[SilverLace]

I've gotten a lot of those kinds of comments myself... I'm the only one parenting like me in my family/extended family.

I've replied lots of different ways at different times depending on lots of things (including being snarky). I will say that I've found not being defensive makes the biggest difference. I used to think I might change someone's mind but now I've accepted that I am parenting the way I believe for myself and my children which means I don't really have to defend it.

And, you do catch more flies with honey

[sewchris2642]

Are you sure that you're not reacting to the person instead of the comments? To me, in print, I don't have the tone of voice, both comments/questions sound benign. "We haven't decided" or "not at this time" would have been better answers to your sil's question about pre-school. And could have lean into an intelegent discusion. Instead your answer shut the door on all discussion, leaving a bad impression in it's wake. Your fil asking you if your son could have the food instead of just giving it to him was an achnowledgment of your role as mom. And realy didn't deserve the snarky answer. A polite, civil yes or no would have been more appropriate along with a thank you for asking. As the previous poster has said, honey works wonders and is better for getting your reason and decisions across than being confrontational and snarky. Not to mention having you and your decisions taken seriously.

[lovebug]

ok... if those are your mama bear examples i think your doing a GREAT job at keeping them at bay well IMO anyway

i am mama bear with my dogs. i dont even want to know what i will be like with kidlets! it scares me...

[Tigerchild]

Mmm, in your examples, the first seems to be more of a YOU defensive rather than "mama bear" defensive. Are you prickly over parenting decisions with your family in general? (Don't feel weird if you are, I'm going to guess that MOST of us are, quite frankly.)

I found it was easier for me to emotionally detatch and respond in a calm and non-escalating manner when I stopped shoving it off on "Oh, I was defending my kid"--because for me, uh...no, I wasn't, I was defending ME. Once I looked into that, and sat down and figured out what it was that I really wanted (for people to shut up, for me to feel empowered, to stick a finger in the eye of people who had wronged me, ect.) and what was most important to me (generally, for people to shut up).

I've found that people who are heavily invested in being oversensitive to other people's parenting choices (you know, the people who can't help but comment on anyone else who differs) tend to shut up faster the more unfun and boring you make it. Hard to do when you are giving yourself permission to unload on someone--and a hard shift but once it happens at least in my experience it is awesome. Depending on the person, a firm, "I see that you are really interested in me making a different choice. I respect your feelings that this is important to you--but I'm only going to say this once. I'm not going to choose that, you're not going to convince me, and if you continue to bring it up it's going to damage our relationship. I would prefer for that not to happen, so let's agree to disagree and not mention it again." might be in order. Only if that doesn't mean an invitation to engage from them though.

[LynnS6]

Well, since you yourself admit it was a snarky tone with your SIL, I suspect you do need to work on it. It's hard not to be snarky with rude people, but it will pay off in the end.

SIL: Are you going to put M (My 8mo) in daycare? You know, so they can teach her things and she can learn them.
Me: (Snarky tone) What exactly does she need to be taught?

What about instead:
SIL: Are you going to put M (My 8mo) in daycare? You know, so they can teach her things and she can learn them.
Me: Oh, what can she learn in daycare that she isn't learning at home? (Neutral tone -- probably hard to do) OR
Me: When she's older, we'll think about preschool. But everything I've read suggests that babies don't need to go to daycare. [You can say this, even if you have no intention about ever doing preschool. You will have thought about it -- and rejected it. But you will have thought about it.]

I'm having a harder time coming up with something for your FIL, mostly because I don't have enough info as to why watermelon wouldn't be OK for her. Are you delaying all solids? Is she finger feeding at all? You don't think she'll like it?

Depending on the reason, you could say:
FIL: Can I give M a piece of watermelon?
Me: Not yet, she's not ready for melon yet. OR
Me: You can try, but I don't think she'll go for it.

In each of these, you seemed to take a somewhat more confrontational tone than necessary. I suspect something in your experience with them has triggered this, but if you were reacting this way to strangers, I'd say you were unnecessarily mother-bearish.

[WindyCityMom]

Thanks, I suppose those two examples were moreso of me defending my parenting choices... it's probably because I get looked down upon for being a younger mama, and I get alot of flack for alot of my choices in parenting my children.

BUT.. there have been times where I have been geniuinely defending my kids and the mama bear in me has just been overwhelming. Situations like that make me wish I had done things differenlty and taken on a more peaceful approach to things.

[WindyCityMom]

Originally Posted by LynnS6

In each of these, you seemed to take a somewhat more confrontational tone than necessary. I suspect something in your experience with them has triggered this, but if you were reacting this way to strangers, I'd say you were unnecessarily mother-bearish.

Hmm.. maybe it is the in-law thing. I am extremely reserved when talking to strangers (don't actually open up about things, just nod my head and am on my way). Thanks for pointing that out. If anyone here has read previous posts you know I've had in law problems I have been finding myself getting more confrontational than need be in situations like this though. I really wish I could stop, but when I'm in the moment and irked (I guess the ILs irk me easily) it's easier said than done.


Oh, and about the melon- DD doesn't like it, same with most solids, but a big part of why I said no is because DHs family is the type that would just feed her whatever without my consent and say "But you gave her watermelon that one time, and I thought ice cream would be fine since it's softer" or something like that. I had that happen numerous times with my other DD and I'm trying to not let that happen again.

[southernmommie]

I get defensive if the person asking the question is being snarky about it. If they are genuinely asking because they truly don't want to do the wrong thing, then I'm very respectful and answer nicely.

[WindyCityMom]

Oh, and forgot to add... the tone of voice was snarky when SIL said

"So they can teach her stuff" (MIL is studying to get a degree in early childhood education and my soon to be 3yo is going to be homeschooled possibly unschooled and they're not fond of that)

-and-

when FIL said
"She needs something more than MILK".

I get this all the time from them about nursing.

[One_Girl]

I used to get super defensive. I was very young when I had my dd and looked even younger so I tried really hard to be an awesome mom, still do, and I was very touchy about comments because I felt they were judgmental. Getting older and becoming more comfortable as a mom has really helped that a lot. Having a friend who is 17 years older than me with a child the same age also helps because I see that we get the same comments, not because people are questioning us but because these comments are typical comments that parents get in our society. I have had both the teach the kid stuff comments and the comments about me needing to stay at home so it isn't just one side of the daycare debate that does it.

I think that when family does it, even though it is super annoying, SUPER ANNOYING, it shows that they care enough to talk to come to you and be perserverant with their concerns. That is the symbol of a good family IMO. If you thought someone in your family was not going to educate their kid and was starving their kid you would hopefully be as perserverant. I got to know a lot about the things I was doing with my dd and approached family comments from an educating standpoint by getting the research and the support of the lactation consultants and LLL to quote in order to have back up. I find that that works better than arguing or getting defensive.

[Linda on the move]

I think your DH is asking you to get along with his family.

Originally Posted by WindyCityMom

My DH and I were having a discussion about this, he feels that I need to keep my mama bear instinct at bay.

Originally Posted by WindyCityMom

Hmm.. maybe it is the in-law thing.

It is the inlaw thing.


I don't think it is mama bear defensive, I think he just wants peace.

[St. Margaret]

Having read all your other posts about SIL and the ILs, I think it would be very easy for me to be on edge all the time around these people! Nevertheless, it does help YOU to be totally non-engaging. When I've snapped at my ILs (for things DH agreed were out of line on their part, like criticizing natural birth after he JUST asked them to not do so around me, as we were doing HypnoBabies, and they had totally signed on, or passing around DD like an object in a way they KNEW would upset her) it only fueled the drama they seem to love, but say they hate, ya know. And by snapped, I mean responded with anything less than complete grace and kissy-kissy fake niceness, and falling all over myself to bow to them, which is their stock in trade, the only way they all know how to interact with each other (until you leave the party and then they make fun of you, sigh).

I think with the first comment, you can do the deflect-bean-dip thing, it's not worth your mental energy. With the food thing, I agree, do what you have to do better ensure she won't be getting pepsi and ice cream next time, but bluntness might not be the most helpful to that end.

This may not be a mama bear thing, but I don't know how you deal with these people AT ALL, honestly. Keeping the peace is worthwhile, certainly, while you're trapped there. It'll be easier on YOU.

[lynsage]

I've read a lot of your posts and I can't believe your husband would suggest to you that you even need to be civil to your in-laws with the way they treat you, much less that he wants you to respond positively when they criticize you or challenge your parenting beliefs and methods.

He needs to tell his family to back off of you and leave you alone about anything that has to do with parenting or your kids if he wants peace. Maybe after a period of not going through crap with them, you'd be more open to discussing things like this with them in the future, but if that never happens, that's OK too.

[Smokering]

The daycare comment didn't sound benign to me, even before I read the backstory. It sounded like SIL was passive-aggressively accusing the OP of being neglectful/letting her child's genius wither away into mediocrity through lack of stimulation/not caring. Not cool. (And it'd be bad enough if she made that comment about preschool, but... DAYCARE? For an eight-month-old? Bizarre.)

[mamaw/two]

I have some in-law issues as well. One of the ways I've found to help make things easier for myself, is to be very vague. I answer alot of questions with "oh, I'm not sure yet", "we will think about that when they are older", "oh, we'll see", or "I'll talk it over with DH". I've found that if I'm indirect in my answers, they have less to attack me about. If I do give direct answers, they will sweetly say "oh, I see" and later go after my dh and make him second guess all of our decisions.
Although I'm very vague with all my answers, I still stick tight to all of our values. I used to try to explain WHY I breastfeed, babywear, cosleep, eat organically, use gentle discipline, but I think that all that they heard was me telling them that they must have done everything wrong when their child was growing up. So it made them even more determined to set me right and get me to do it all their way. I've found that since I quit explaining and say very little, we all get along much better. I choose my battles, there are lots of things that I let slide now, I only put my foot down on the big things. DH is very happy to have everything "seem" much more civil, and it really is less stressful for me.

[lalemma]

No, not very often. Frankly, I don't really give a hoot if someone else approves of my parenting stuff (I also try hard not to be very judgmental of other parents - both aspects are a work in progress!) - it's not somebody else's job to make me feel good by praising my choices or attitudes.

I have noticed in myself that when I get weird and defensive about things, those are WITHOUT EXCEPTION things I am emotionally murky on, have fear-based thinking about, etc. When I am emotionally clear on a topic, I just don't care what other people think.

For instance: I don't care if other people think it's good/bad/whatever that we do family bed. I don't feel the need to impress them, but I don't feel the need to appease them, either. I just don't care.

Similarly, I feel really clear about our decision not to circumcise our boy. So if people have their own stuff about circumcision, that just doesn't feel like it has anything to do with me - they have their stuff, they can deal with it however they want.

On the other hand, I have mildly mixed feelings about the fact that I went back to work at 10 months and my husband stays home with the baby. I have noticed (pretty mild) weirdness in myself about this, so I can tell that I have some emotional work to do on this topic!

I try pretty hard to get to the root of my emotional stuff and take full responsibility for how I feel. (Not always successful, of course, but I try HARD.) I didn't always approach life this way, but I am so much happier now that I do, it's like night and day.