20 yrs after the fact, I have the courage to report him

[number572]

I've had several events come to a sort of peak over the past few weeks and I'm finally seeing things in a new light and without the shroud of guilt, etc. And I'm finally going to file a police report on a relative who sexually abused me as a kid. My plan is to find a local abuse department or service that gas experience in handling filing complaints on cases as old as mine. It was 20 yrs ago, and although I fully realize that nothing extreme can happen to this guy, I want to at least put my name as a person who has had such experiences with this particular guy. I told myself over the years to just forget it, etc.. but mostly, the ideas if other people having the same molestation experiences have weighed on me in a bigger than I want to admit way. So, now I'm finally facing this. I guess I'm putting this in this forum to get ideas from others who have filed thus sort of complaint, others who have survived minor sexual abuse, maybe someone would have ideas for me as to who to go to as far as getting this person in the system in case others have had a similar experience with this idiot.. sorry if that's a uv, tried hard to type nan or guy and it just can't be done. Geh, I hope to anyone who has lived with this crap is doing alright now. This feels like such a big step for my own freedom! I'm ready to Luke with all of it but am excited for who I am opening to become. Any advice, btdtor support is very greatly appreciated. I'm not so good right now but I know it's coming to a lighter time of my life after letting this go where the guilt needs to go. Ugh, I just can't keep it in me any longer.

[E.V. Lowi]

{{HUGS}} Good for you! You will feel better about it.

[meemee]

well there are two aspects to this.

one is trying to go the legal way. good for you for trying to pursue this. i have no idea how to go about it.

then there is the emotional healing aspect. here is a book i found most helpful. i have not gotten the workbook yet but i am sure it is going to be helpful
http://www.amazon.com/Courage-Heal-R.../dp/0060950668

[AtYourCervices]

I haven't been in that situation, but I've been friends with those I have. Unfortunately, in all of those situations no legal action followed. They went to the police, told them about what had happened, and they were ignored. One was even ostracized by the community because he was a male who was victimized by another male, and the culprit was a very well respected man in the community.

I'm not trying to discourage you. Quite the opposite! Everybody I know who did report abuse did not regret it. They were finally able to speak about what had happened, and advocate for others freely. With the abuse being reported, my friends felt they were able to warn others who got too close to the abuser. Previously they felt that what happened to them was being questioned by those they warned because there was no report.

Just be prepared that legally, nothing may happen. You may feel dismissed. You may feel let down by the legal system. You may feel like others see you as a troublemaker, or some people may have the audacity to tell you to let sleeping dogs lie. But, be strong! By filing a report, if something like this were to happen again, you may be able to help somebody else be believed. By taking action now you could prevent somebody else from being victimized.

Good luck!

[goldenwillow]

I applaud you for standing up for yourself. Any abuse, is abuse, minor or major.

I sought the same piece of mind about 7 years ago against my assaulter (father's brother) for similar reasons as you, as my parents didn't do it for me (my Mom said she was nieve). This is what I found.

I was not able to prosecute him due to the length of time, 20 years later. Statute of limitations in my state, WA.

I was then offered to have a civil case. I really didn't want any of his money, felt like it would be dirty, KWIM?

For me, I realized that I wasn't going to get the piece of mind I needed at that time. It still felt good to know that I tried.

My assaulter is now dying of throat cancer I hear, what goes around comes around.

You are in my thoughts.

[LROM]

Originally Posted by AtYourCervices

I haven't been in that situation, but I've been friends with those I have. Unfortunately, in all of those situations no legal action followed. They went to the police, told them about what had happened, and they were ignored. One was even ostracized by the community because he was a male who was victimized by another male, and the culprit was a very well respected man in the community.

I'm not trying to discourage you. Quite the opposite! Everybody I know who did report abuse did not regret it. They were finally able to speak about what had happened, and advocate for others freely. With the abuse being reported, my friends felt they were able to warn others who got too close to the abuser. Previously they felt that what happened to them was being questioned by those they warned because there was no report.

Just be prepared that legally, nothing may happen. You may feel dismissed. You may feel let down by the legal system. You may feel like others see you as a troublemaker, or some people may have the audacity to tell you to let sleeping dogs lie. But, be strong! By filing a report, if something like this were to happen again, you may be able to help somebody else be believed. By taking action now you could prevent somebody else from being victimized.

Good luck!

There's another legal angle to pursue though... well not exactly "legal" but certainly that could have consequences for the abuser.

OP how much do you know about your abuser's current living situation and work situation? Does he have access to children? If I were in your situation, I'd still pursue the legal angle, but I'd also see if he lives with or has regular access to children and call the local child welfare that serves wherever he lives. Again, they may not act because you're not alleging that currently a child is being abused (that you know of), but you can still ask them for advice about what you can do to get the word into "the system" so that if he's around children or other allegations come in, there will be a way to connect it with your story.

Even this strategy may not work, but I'd try it along with the legal angle. Because I do know a couple people who've had some success with at least having some local law enforcement look into who is currently living with the abuser and whether there are kids. In one case it definitely shook up the abuser!

I commend you as well for taking this brave step, and probably the most important thing to remember is that whatever does or doesn't happen to him as a result of your efforts, you are taking these steps for YOUR healing and no matter what happens, hopefully you'll feel like a winner for stepping out of the shadows and saying "I'm not going to let this rule me anymore. I'm standing up to it and redefining my life in my own terms!"

Take care and be well!

[doubledutch]

don't worry about the typos, but why not edit that thumbs down? i mean, yes, thumbs down that this happened, but you do not deserve a thumbs down . . . i think it would be good for you to be open about this, and it's okay that it took time for you to reach this point. even if it doesn't bring him to justice, your ability to talk about it may help someone else who could let go of that guilt and shame that much sooner, and/or may keep someone else safe from him.

we are going through this in my family right now, and i am so proud of and so grateful to the women in my family who are starting to talk. for me, it's not about whatever becomes of the abuser, so much as the release of the burden our family has been carrying. it's the beginning of healing.

[number572]

I agree about the thumbs down, I actually didn't mean to add any sort of icon but only noticed it after posting, then couldn't find how to undo it. I completely feel way more thumbs up about doing this than anything.

My main reason for doing this , maybe 99% of why I'm doing this is to help provide a report record against him in case someone else were to ever be going thru it and my report could then help to build their case. I don't know and don't want to know where he is now. He does have two kids from a woman who took their kids and left without word or warning several years ago, the kids were both under 10yo at that time. No one in our family has ever known any more about them or his x wife. One of the things that has haunted me very heavily over the years is the strong feeling that I know why she took the kids and ran in fear from him. I'm doing this too b'c it's king of clear to me that I was most probably NOT an isolated incident for him and that he may very well have full access to kids now. He was always our really fun and creative play type of uncle.

I have more that I want to respond b'c you guys are giving me some good ideas and things to think about but I can't write more right now and won't be able to til Sunday. Thanks for your support and sorry that others have gone thru it. It's sickeningly more common than most people think.