discussing hsing w/o offending others

[raelize]

sometimes the bean dip answer doesn't work. how do you discuss homeschooling and your reasons with other people without offending them? i can't say that i don't want to hand my kids over to the fascists to train them how to follow orders, that schools sap kids of creativity, confidence and curiosity. i can't say that although i live in a neighborhood with "great" schoools they aren't good enough for my kids. that i think kids should spend as much time as possible experiancing life instead of reading about what someone else thinks is important. that the school system breaks up families and takes up too much of our time. that i want to be the primary caregiver, not a stranger, that one adult with a class of 25 can't possibly give my daughter the attention she needs and that her strong personality would be a curse for her at school. and also, that my dd's serious health issues wouldn't be treated properly and i don't trust stranger to recognize when she is in danger or how to handle it properly.
sometimes people press too hard about reasons, and sometimes it is people you would like to not offend, AND i don't want people to look at me and say " oh see those hser's are all shrill nutcases who want to shelter their kids from the world"
if i said any of these things, to family members who all send thier kids to school, i would really offend people, but those are really the reasons, my reasons aren't as easy as "the schools here are terrible". and even that would offend some people.

[alegna]

By definition schools have to pretty much be one-size-fits-all. I say I didn't want to wait and hope my kid was the one size they fit.

-Angela

[zjande]

Honestly I just don't always work hard in "trying not to offend" when it comes to that question. I've been known to say "I just don't really trust the government to raise my kids". When I'm feeling as friendly as can be, I say "It all started with all the social crap in PS, I was so unhappy with it. My reasonings for wanting to keep the kids home snowballed from there." If they press, I'll continue to list my reasons, just like you have here.

[Katwoman]

I seriously love Angela!!

I have to admit, I take the "easy" way out most of the time. Her medical condition is such that if she went to school she would have to come home and go straight to bed and get up just in time to go to school the next day. I would literally see her on the weekends. I did not have children so I could see them 24 hours a week.

I also kind of pick my audience. With other parents I typically talk about how many people are in the classrooms these days and how hard it would be for her "special needs" to get met with that many people in the class room. Lots of times I will just talk about all the cool things were doing that we wouldn't get to do if she was gone to school. Also, I tell them we can get done in 3 hours what school does all day. That allows the rest of the day to be our time to spend time as a family/go on outings.

Not really a one answer for me.

But I love Angela's reply! Kind of sums everything up in a nice package with a bow.

[moominmamma]

A few short answers that don't seem likely to offend:

"It gives us a lot of flexibility, in terms of family scheduling and educational program."
"I guess it's as simple as the fact that it works for us for now. We're really enjoying it."
"Things were going great without school, and we figured there was no point in fixing what wasn't broken."
"We enjoy following the kids' interests which are sometimes kind of quirky and not what you'd typically find in a school curriculum."
"It's kind of a family lifestyle: we can integrate learning into our daily lives. I like that to the kids living and learning are inseparable."

Miranda

[lmonter]

So far I've gotten away with just being able to say that "This is what we decided was best for our family, for a variety of reasons" and leave it at that. I have several good friends that are teachers and/or have their children in public schools. I don't 'attack' them or their decision(s), they typically show the same courtesy to me.

Or I let my 6yo run around the inquisitive party for 10-20 minutes and then ask them "Do you really think he'd be okay in a classroom setting?" I do like the one-size answer, I'll need to remember that one.

[EviesMom]

I think you have an easy "out" with the health reasons right there, unless it's a parent whose child has the same health reasons. I say that we wanted the kids to have time to focus on performing and visual arts classes. They can, and do, say their kids do those too, in afterschool settings, or at the school itself, and I just say we do the afterschool ones too, but we have more options this way.

[raelize]

thanks for your posts.
i think i will probably use your angela, it definatly sets the tone! i mean, i think there isn't a way to not offend with this question. and i guess if people really want to pry they should be ready to hear something "nuts", plus, that's probably why they are even asking. anyway, if they pursue past angela's answer then they probably are expecting something more than easy ball answers. and really, for most people i know it wouldn't be enough to say oh, it fits our family lifestyle. and its not like i am making stuff up- there really are 34 + students in classrooms, they really wouldn't be able to deal with dd's medical issues in a satisfatory and respectful way. and they really do expect students to conform.

[philomom]

Originally Posted by alegna

By definition schools have to pretty much be one-size-fits-all. I say I didn't want to wait and hope my kid was the one size they fit.

-Angela

That is simply untrue. There's lots of ways that schools bend and are accommodating of students. I have two gifted kids... one with some special needs. He has always gotten the instruction he required.

I have homeschooled and now I public school. I think is okay to say "this is best for our family right now" without offending anyone. I have been living in good school districts all along. The year or so that I opted out had more to do with my child's needs... not the school lacking in some way.

[laohaire]

Personally I've been going with "We're lucky enough to have the opportunity to homeschool, so we figured why not? The whole family really enjoys it." That doesn't have any judgement about the school system or anything you call really argue with. I mean, nobody can say "no, you don't really enjoy it," you know? If I feel like I have to diffuse a lot of defensiveness, I add that she tried preschool and thought it was a wonderful program and we loved the teacher. (All true). But that she just really wanted to be home. (Also true).

If I ever talk in more detail about the shortcomings of school, I am extremely careful to deflect the issues away from the teachers. My sincere belief is that most teachers are good (and a few are terrific), only a few are not good. My beef with the school system isn't about the teachers. And even the teachers that are teaching that shouldn't be, are ultimately the responsibility of the administration. And even the administration is under a set of pressures. The whole system is just really difficult, and I think most people are doing the best they can with what they've got. But homeschooling - is just easy, if you can do it. I just school my kid and that's that, I don't have to worry about teaching to 30 different levels and managing a horde and following a very strict daily schedule. I can't do any better than they do at that stuff, really. It just makes sense to me to skip the difficult parts if that's possible - and it is, for me.

[MrsJewelsRae]

"We just really enjoy learning at home and being together. We love the ability to be flexible, no 'homework', to tailor education to their interests and strengths/weaknesses". If they want to get really snarky I will give my reservations of the "socialization" kids are really getting in school today, especially if I am talking to a fellow Christian- I will share my conviction to shelter my kids from the world at such tender ages and how I disagree with schools taking up so much of kids precious time with long school days (all day kindy has arrived in Ontario!) PLUS homework! (My best friend has been complaining of homework since her dd was in KINDERGARTEN!!! Then she had to pull her dd from classes in GRADE 1 when sex ed was introduced by her male teacher!!! ) If they really want to get into it I will sing the praises of all the AMAZING curriculum options that are out there, the supportive and fun homeschool groups available, knowing your child will not be taught anything questionable or against your morals and values/religion, etc.

My dh's aunt (MIL's younger sister, whose youngest child is the same age as my oldest) was very critical of hs'ing right to my face, and in front of my children, openly hostile on it- and I didn't even bring it up!! She asked my ds where he went to school and just lit into me when he told her he was hs'd! I was so blown away and was a little nervous to put the woman in her place in front of my MIL but I didn't even get the chance, my MIL jumped right in with how much her grandkids are learning and how wonderful it is they are being sheltered from the things going on in schools these days, the drugs, violence, sex, etc. I was considering how unsupportive MIL was of hs'ing in the first place, but I guess you don't mess with her grandkids!

[moominmamma]

Originally Posted by alegna

By definition schools have to pretty much be one-size-fits-all. I say I didn't want to wait and hope my kid was the one size they fit.

Originally Posted by philomom

That is simply untrue. There's lots of ways that schools bend and are accommodating of students.

I agree, and I think that comment is rather antagonistic. It suggests (a) that schools are always rigid and unyielding and (b) that if the other parent has kids happily in school, they must be completely average with nothing unique about them at all. I certainly get Angela's point -- there's a lot more flexibility in homeschooling than in institutional schooling -- and I can see using that line in very specific situations, with like-minded individuals. But to suggest to that there's no flexibility at all, to someone who isn't already sympathetic to homeschooling ... well, it's simply not true and I think it would invite defensiveness and arguments.

My eldest is now enrolled in an underfunded rural public school. She's gifted and passionate about music and you would be amazed at the accommodations, freedoms and self-direction she's been allowed.

Miranda

[Lillian J]

I never found myself in a situation where I needed to discuss it much, but I think you might be able to just say with obvious happiness that it's just working really well for your family's needs, and be clear that you don't intend to get into defending it. I think that the more opening you leave for prodding, the more people are apt to prod, but just keeping it upbeat and simple and respectful of everyone's various choices can avoid a lot of that. And the truth of it is that it's really not for everyone - lots and lots of children are perfectly happy in a wide variety of schools, public school being, in my own experience, one of the easiest ones for the widest variety of people to be comfortable in. - Lilian

[raelize]

Originally Posted by laohaire

If I ever talk in more detail about the shortcomings of school, I am extremely careful to deflect the issues away from the teachers. My sincere belief is that most teachers are good (and a few are terrific), only a few are not good. My beef with the school system isn't about the teachers. And even the teachers that are teaching that shouldn't be, are ultimately the responsibility of the administration. And even the administration is under a set of pressures. The whole system is just really difficult, and I think most people are doing the best they can with what they've got. But homeschooling - is just easy, if you can do it. I just school my kid and that's that, I don't have to worry about teaching to 30 different levels and managing a horde and following a very strict daily schedule. I can't do any better than they do at that stuff, really. It just makes sense to me to skip the difficult parts if that's possible - and it is, for me.

i just wanted to say, that i totally agree. and that those are all the reasons that i want to hs. cause the system is really difficult, and i think that it is far from ideal, and that for the vast majority-the teachers are doing the best they can, but that it is an enormous job they have. and what i want to see is virtually impossible.

[CherryBomb]

I usually go with a) We want our kids to have a faith based education and can't afford Catholic school right now or b) We want our kids to have a classical/Latin centered education, and there aren't any private classical schools around here

[Arduinna]

I can only think of a couple times I ever discussed it with anyone other than dh and it was with my BFF of 30 years. Even she got pretty defensive and kept telling me that she couldn't HS her kids, when her kids where never even brought up. And we talk about everything really respectfully, and I'd have never in a million years suggest she HS her kids because it would not have been good for them but I couldn't say that either. So not talking about it is easier, unless it's with someone that feels the same way you do about school.

I like cherrybombs response, but it wasn't applicable at the time I was HSing.

[raelize]

see, my people like to prod. both my family and my il's are the argumentative nosy folks who want to KNOW why you are choosing what you are choosing, who always have your best interests at heart, especially when you are doing something different from them. it was like this with homebirthing, and i ended up offending my il's, of course MIL was totally supportive of me then.

i guess i will probably have to bite the bullet, and if they are going to pry, then i will have to defend myself.

now, in terms of what angela said- i totally agree with her. i taught and i know that if you are one of the "good" nice kids who is passionate and gifted about something, then you are definatly going to get lots of assistance and help. but if you are a problem kid, behavior kid, you don't get the exceptions-cause you are causing the teacher adn school to have to deal with you. my younger brother was dealing with some pretty severe family trauma when he was in elemntary school, resulting in his acting out in class and they were not forgiven or allowed that space or excused at all. even though the school knew about what was going on, my brother's 2nd grade teacher made it hell for him. totally turned him off school forever. he was a disruption, but she made him pay for it. the school certainly didn't bend over backwards for him.

my other brother had a lot of trouble in high school, was diagnosed with a very severe mental illness at 15 and spent a year running from teachers and security guards -even though the teachers knew about his medical/psychiatric disorders and it took a year for it to be shown that his IEP was not being met. it cost my parents lots of money and time for this. eventually he was put in a special school and he graduated, but that year of hell really set him back and did not at all help him deal with what was going on. although he was brilliant, it also turned him off school and really damaged his self esteem. and it wasn't his fault! he had a severe mental illness that caused paranoid delusions. the school knew all about it.

and yes, there are some great teachers out there who help students and care for them and there are definatly times when the school bends over backwards, but often it doesn't and the system isn't set up to handle antagonistic situations well. knowing my dd- who is brilliant and brave and funny- as well as anxious, bull-headed, self-centered, and confrontational- i have a feeling she wouldn't be the one the teachers are bending over backwards for. and then i have to spend time trying to get her to go along to get along or else fighting with the school to get her class switched? not really the lesson i want to teach her. she has the rest of her life to learn to "go along to get along", she doesn't need to learn that lesson in childhood.

[FireWithin]

I tend to stress that all families are different, and so everyone's paths will be different.
Because of our health issues we tend to make health and healing choices that make people uncomfortable. Ive learned that being aggressive about it gets you nowhere. Stressing different folks, different strokes seems to put people at ease.

[Savoir Faire]

Well if people call us freaks, can't we call them fascists?

Neener neener!!

[ChristaN]

If your desire truly is not to offend, I've found it best to remind myself that people inquiring about the different educational choices we have made (which have varied from homeschool to charter school to neighborhood school to every conceivable variation thereof) are often asking b/c they have some insecurity. Other moms have inquired b/c they want to try something different themselves or b/c they are worried that they aren't doing enough for their kids and I might be doing more or b/c they are insecure that I am somehow implying that I am doing better by doing different.

I've tried to say non-judgemental things that don't leave the other person feeling like I am judging her behind her back. Our responses tend to lean toward, "it's what dd feels is the best fit for her at this time." Then again, my dds are old enough that the alternative schooling choices we are making for next year are truly their choices not mine. With a younger child I might lean more toward stating that I or our family as a whole feels like it is a better fit for dds due to personality not special educational needs.

I've found that stating that a different school or homeschool is a better educational fit implies to some insecure people that your child is smarter and therefore needs something different than their child.