Homeschoolers without family support

[widemouthedfrog]

Hi all,
Don't know if there is a thread like this, but I'd love to have one.
I have just started officially HS-ing our dd (5), much to the dismay of all of her grandparents and my dh. I plan to HS for 2 years, after which I have to put her into the school system or dh will be very unhappy. Well, he's unhappy now, but managing. No one wants anything to do with HS-ing. I can't even talk about it at home.

I feel really, really alone, even though I know that I am doing the right thing for dd.

Anyone else in a similar position?

[Casha'sMommy]

While my dh is very supportive re: hs'ing the family is not, for the most part. I think some of our family (dh's parents) act as if they're supportive but I'm not sure. SIL is absolutely not supportive, she thinks we're crazy. My mother thinks we're ruining the kids ability to...wait for it, here it comes, you know what it is...SOCIALIZE! She has no idea what hs'ing truly is and I have decided it isn't worth my time and energy attempting to explain it to her any longer. She's either going to get or she isn't.
Whatever everyone's opinion of things is I'm hoping that once we have a few years of hs'ing under our belts that they will come around and see what we've been trying to tell them the past couple years.

I hope for the best fo ryou. GL and

[amis2girls]

My husband would really like our oldest to go to PS. He thinks we're coddling her by keeping her home.

[Callimom]

Well my DH was supportive but cautious but he quickly came around when he saw how much better it was for our whole family. My ILs however thought I was nuts and my own parents were not impressed but know better than to say much to me about it.
My ILs did become very ardent hsing supporters. Two things work in our favour on that - one was that they could see them so much more than their other grandkids and secondly I started a blog so they could see the stuff we do when I am letting the kids skip school We also take them on field trip adventures with us. They can see in action how the kids learn, how they interact with their friends, how warmly hsers are received at many of the places we go.

My parents are far less involved with my kids and still have reservations but that is more about them than about hsing or my kids.

Did you connect with a local homeschooling group? I think it would be extremely important for me to have some "safe" places and people if I didn't have support at home. IIRC your husband is a teacher? Has he read anything by Gutterson, Gatto or Michael Reist who homeschooled his kids and actually teaches are OSIEU.

good luck!
Karen

[Lillian J]

There have been a number of good threads on the subject of dealing with skeptical spouses or others - you'll find lots of stories, tips, reading suggestions, and support among them. Start here and click on all the links you find in them:

• help? need research support for DH. he thinks i'm nuts for wanting to HS!
• DH wants documented proof that homeschooling is beneficial to students. help me show him it's a good thing

Lillian

[phathui5]

My family wasn't supportive at first. Dh was, but my parents thought we were just being weird again.

The longer we've homeschooled, the more supportive our families have become. I think when they see your kids loving learning, they'll (hopefully) come around.

[MrsAprilMay]

It took a while, but my DH is on board. I can't imagine how tough it would be if he weren't.

As far as family goes, his family is downright against it. But really, they're against everything I do...including marrying my DH. So who cares what they think. My family is on the fence about it, but I think they'll come around.

Really, most of my support comes from my co-op. Once a week I get to see a bunch of families that made the choice to homeschool, and my daughter gets to see all of her friends. If I ever feel down about things, they lift me up.

[Fujiko]

My oldest (dd) is only 3.5. My dh has stated he's not supportive of homeschool for K-12.

He has, however, supported me hs'ing her for preschool, since he's a tightwad and preschool costs money.

We have yet to have a full-out, sit-down discussion on hs-ing past preschool. I've been dreading it.

I don't think he has any reservations about me educating the kids, since I'm pretty smart, but I think his hang-ups are that 1.) the kids are going to be "weird" or socially awkward (though we have met some pretty cool hs'ing families in the last few years), and 2.) they will miss out on the good things that go along with brick-and-mortar school. I'm pretty sure hs'ed kids don't get to participate in public school sports or extra-curriculars here. Which of course, is a decade down the road, but it's a hang-up for him. A little for me too, now that I remember the excitement of the first day of school, etc. But I realize that my kids are their own person and will make their own memories.

Anyway, it's rough when you're husband disagrees!

As far as my extended family, I'm already the "weird hippy" so I don't think they would really be surprised. They're generally supportive (or at least tolerant) of my alternative choices. We'll see. But at any rate, we're the sort of people that shrug off our families' disapproval and do our own thing anyway.

[happy1nluv]

ME ME ME...
My DH is BARELY supportive -- as in, he gave in to homeschooling K so he'll tell my family he's in favor of it, but he's against it at home. (I'm hoping to change his mind as the year goes by - cross your fingers for me!)

My family is all VEHEMENTLY against it, and all are taking their turns telling me about it (I love the new tactic they're taking that it will hurt #2 if I don't send #1 to school...and that if I plan to send #1 to first grade (I dont, but i can't say that 100% bc of dh) I'm depriving him of the shared experience and history and he will be behind in first grade for the start... because, yanno, asking to go to the bathroom and raising your hand to speak is a necessary life skill and apparently hard to learn

DH's family thinks we're (ok, IM) crazy, but thats nothing new... they thought that when we said we were having #3... and I can't wait til we tell them about our future as yet unconceived #4...

Slightly spin off question... How do you handle your disapproving family. It's always said in a "its your family, your decision BUT think about this" kind of way... a "not for nothing BUT..." and I know they'll love my kids regardless... So far, I've just listened and said i'd think about it and ignored it... figuring that in time i'll win them over... but, should i be trying to share some of the research? ,,, we're a very in your face kind of family -- and i've already started pulling back a bit (we used to go over EVERY sat night for pizza (my parents have been making pizza on sat nights longer than ive been alive) and every sunday after 9 am church til after dinner... now we do sunday dinner and an occasional pizza saturday... i dont know if they've gotten the hint though, since we had other stuff going on... (but it was stuff I'd deliberately planned to conflict -- maybe passive aggressive on my part but i dont want my kids to get their negativity towards homeschooling etc.)

[nov05mama]

Originally Posted by Karenwith4

Well my DH was supportive but cautious but he quickly came around when he saw how much better it was for our whole family. My ILs however thought I was nuts and my own parents were not impressed but know better than to say much to me about it.

This is us to a T! My DH is 'supportive' but cautious. He is definitely not against it by any means, but he does wonder sometimes if school would be better. We are still so early into HS'ing that he thinks the idea will just wear off. He definitely sees the benefits though and agrees with me.
My family is not really 'in favor' of the idea either...mostly b/c they have seen my cousins who are the farthest from 'poster children' for homeschooling. They are EXTREMELY awkward and unsocialized. It has more to do with their parents ways, and I have a feeling they would be that way whether they were at a public school or had been homeschooled...but nonetheless, that's the 'picture' my family has of homeschooling at the moment. That has affected my grandmother the most I think. My mother and father are very supportive and think it's great.
DH's family lives overseas, so they aren't really involved in the discussion. I doubt they would be against it though.

So far, my plan has just been to prove them all wrong. I can't SAY anything that will make them (any of them) change their mind...I can only SHOW them what homeschooling can be.

[Sanveann]

I have the opposite problem ... my parents (well, my mom at least) and my in-laws think it sounds great, as does my best friend, but I'm having a hard time getting my DH on board! Thanks for the links above ... maybe I'll find some helpful info

[widemouthedfrog]

I'm still trying to figure out how to handle the family. My mom is alternating between putting on a calm face (she's worked on this, I appreciate that) and then freaking out via email.

My dh doesn't want to know at all what dd is doing that day because it makes him angry and depressed, which makes it hard to chat excitedly about what she's doing, obviously!

Yesterday my MIL told me that she is quite happy with play-based learning for K, so that is reassuring. The inlaws tend to go with what we do, even if they don't approve, so that's something.

And no, my dh is very resistant to reading about it because he feels that the idea of hs-ing attacks his choice of career as a teacher (which I am sure he is wonderful at). I've probably exacerbated this over the years by ranting about school as an institution. Ironically, I was the school devotee when I was in school, and he was a self-described slacker. Again ironically, this is why we both hold our various positions today.

I understand the ideas of consensus but honestly cannot find many convergence points between us on this one, so there we stand, unable to talk about this. Which is hard, because I am a chatterbox when I'm excited about something.

[Momma Aimee]

Originally Posted by Karenwith4

Well my DH was supportive but cautious but he quickly came around when he saw how much better it was for our whole family. My ILs however thought I was nuts and my own parents were not impressed but know better than to say much to me about it.
My ILs did become very ardent hsing supporters. Two things work in our favour on that - one was that they could see them so much more than their other grandkids and secondly I started a blog so they could see the stuff we do when I am letting the kids skip school We also take them on field trip adventures with us. They can see in action how the kids learn, how they interact with their friends, how warmly hsers are received at many of the places we go.

My parents are far less involved with my kids and still have reservations but that is more about them than about hsing or my kids.

Did you connect with a local homeschooling group? I think it would be extremely important for me to have some "safe" places and people if I didn't have support at home. IIRC your husband is a teacher? Has he read anything by Gutterson, Gatto or Michael Reist who homeschooled his kids and actually teaches are OSIEU.

good luck!
Karen

I strongly suggest a blog. I started one for our family -- and while my oldest is only pre-k4/5 i can see a change in SOME family members as they see the dedication ...not even so much what we do, as much as the book i read, my posts about my thoughts, and so on -- it is like a window to our thoughts and thinking and reasons, it shows the 'behind the scenes" look if that makes sense. they can see the efforts and work we put in to not only the decision about also the choices and also it educates them some about the issues int he public schools and the reality of home schooling which they ever encountered before.

it is different than a discussion / argument / debate -- it is just there for them to consider if doesn't seem like i am 'replying" to them and it is there to sink if and i think some of them can save face that way as they did not have to admit anything in a direct conservation. yk?

Frankly due to our school district DH has come to terms with homeschool for the first couple of years, but i find the blog has actually eased him and helped him think about it more deeply adn while he is not a "all the way though" supporter like i'd like -- he is now confidently telling people "we choose to have them home till 10 or older" rather than "due to our district we are going to homeschool a few years or till we move".

MIL still refers to his 1 hour a week at the school for speech services as "going to school" which we do not, and she talks to him about going to school, which i shut down -- but you know some people are just gonna be a PITB no matter what -- given any topic.

[accidental_hs'er]

Also recommending blogging! A great way to keep a journal for yourself and for the naysayers to see you aren't home all day just watching toons. (Well, I don't blog about the days we are "just" home all day watching toons! )

I am in a different boat with dh (he was supportive from the beginning) but my fil was quite upset at the prospect of homeschooling at first. He quietly raged over it but knew us enough not to bother fighting it.

I blog. I send him emails with updates and photos of what we are up to. Really, though, the proof has been in the proverbial pudding. 4 years later, his grandkids are smart, well-adjusted and learning beautifully. They even have friends and enough social graces to not stand out like weirdos. Socialization was one of those big areas of concern. For some people, the only reconciliation with homeschooling is just waiting and seeing happy, normal kids who are learning.

Friends without supportive dh's say that they actively learn about and institute all the work that goes into homeschooling. When their spouses put in that much time and effort into an alternative decision, they will consider trying it. Just saying 'send our kids to school' doesn't cut it. If and when there are problems then school because an option. While it is working, then there is no reason to change paths.

[Momma Aimee]

Originally Posted by accidental_hs'er

Also recommending blogging! A great way to keep a journal for yourself and for the naysayers to see you aren't home all day just watching toons. (Well, I don't blog about the days we are "just" home all day watching toons! )

I am in a different boat with dh (he was supportive from the beginning) but my fil was quite upset at the prospect of homeschooling at first. He quietly raged over it but knew us enough not to bother fighting it.

I blog. I send him emails with updates and photos of what we are up to. Really, though, the proof has been in the proverbial pudding. 4 years later, his grandkids are smart, well-adjusted and learning beautifully. They even have friends and enough social graces to not stand out like weirdos. Socialization was one of those big areas of concern. For some people, the only reconciliation with homeschooling is just waiting and seeing happy, normal kids who are learning.

Friends without supportive dh's say that they actively learn about and institute all the work that goes into homeschooling. When their spouses put in that much time and effort into an alternative decision, they will consider trying it. Just saying 'send our kids to school' doesn't cut it. If and when there are problems then school because an option. While it is working, then there is no reason to change paths.

well put.

one of the issues i hear about all the time -- and i am only officially homeschooling pre-k 4/5 -- is the children being weird.

my BIL and SIL teach.

well .... I am working on a blog post about a fictional conservation I "had with a person at the park" about some of the comments BIL and SIL either have made to me or about us... a little literary license

my biggest point is -- the things i hear complaints about are things that would STILL be true of my children if they went to any public school int eh land. I expect my children to call adult by titles, my BFF is "aunt Aaron" (or "other momma") the lady next door is "miss Paula". My children do not wear character clothing and the list of rules goes on.

BIL says this "makes them" as homeschooled and weird.

But i want to make the point that while homeschooling is an aspect of our parenting, the other factors of our parenting (the special diet the boys are on for example, or the tv they are or are not allowed to view) would remain without homeschooling.

I am hoping this fictional blog post will at least toss the idea out there in a less "in your face" way.

I love my blog.

[aliciahorsley]

I started a blog initially with the same ideas but have found life so busy that i updated the poor thing every quarter. It's quite pathetic. But then again, our internet access has been patchy at best and i tend to use it for our pet rehoming when it's playing ball.

My issue is the IL's are openly skeptical and then covertly 'plant pro-school' ideas in the kids minds when they come to visit. They used to come for a month twice a year but FIL is now retired so it'll be more like 5 times in 2 years. They are British and very precise about these things.

How does one deal?