Trying to get through morning routine without losing it on dawdling 4 year old

[Qbear'smama]

I am looking for any advice, maybe some sympathy? I feel like crap because I am short with my DD in the morning and I yell and she has started calling me on it, which I think is a good thing because I really want to learn to cope better than I am.

DH usually leaves for work before DD is up, so I do the morning routine myself. DD is NOT a morning person and neither am I, inherently, although I have gotten better over the years and am not grumpy out of the gate with DD, I am honestly cheerful when the morning starts.

The main issue is rushing and non-compliance with requests. DD likes to sleep as long as possible and is a night owl, so I feel bad waking her earlier than absolutely necessary, which I am starting to realize is earlier than I wake her now. Currently, she has 30 minutes from eyes open to in the car to go to school and I am rushing rushing rushing her and she does not react well to that, then I don't react well to her, then she gets upset that I am upset, then she starts to cry, then I get even more frustrated because the tears are slowing the process down even more. It is not helping that I am pregnant and feel like that shortens my fuse to some extent.

I get everything possible prepared beforehand, lay out her clothes, get breakfast ready, etc. but still it is hectic and stressful. Clearly I need to wake her earlier so she has more time to cope. But on top of the time issue, she also resists everything from what is on offer for breakfast, which is NEVER what she wants (even though I offer a few things, she usually declines them all and when I ask what she wants she wails "I Dont know!" to brushing her hair (it's curly and tangly so brushing it puts her in the mood to cry right away, even though I spray it with detangler and am gentle), to how she wants it styled, to which shoes/sweater/coat to wear, etc etc. and EVERYTHING I ask of her has to be asked ten times before they get done or I do them myself (like dressing her or brushing her teeth, I just get the brush ready, go to wherever she is, brush her teeth and return the brush to the bathroom because if I waited for her to do these things I would a) have to ask 10 times before they're done and b) end up an hour late for work, instead of the usual 20 minutes late. I don't want to punish her into compliance and have resisted doing so, but I don't want mornings to keep being this terrible time where I am stressing and prodding and she is sad. It's really eating me up to have these horrible mornings where she's sulking in the car on the way to school and I am apologizing and/or still feeling angry at her.

Is it simply an issue of waking her earlier? (I think this is a necessary start.)
Should I make a chart of things she needs to get done in the morning herself?
Should we discuss expectations the night before and come to some kind of agreement about what she should do?
Are there any tips to make it easier?
God I just feel like a horrible shrew in the mornings and it ruins my day and makes my kid feel like she's bad.

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

Mornings can be really hard, especially when you have an absolute out-the-door deadline. I have found that as the kids get older, it has gotten easier, if that helps at all. MOstly I think this is a time for creativity, problem solving and cooperation rather than discipline. At least, I know I can't discipline effectively at the point in the morning!

So, here are some of the things that worked well for us when the kids where younger:
* Get yourself up earlier enough for coffee or shower or whatever you need to feel good about the day. Do as much for yourself as you can before waking up the kids. Yes, that means setting an ungodly early alarm. Back up bedtime for EVERYONE if you can. I promise its worth it.
* Absolutely give your daughter more time to wake up and be less rushed in the moring. We generally need an hour in the morings for waking, breakfast, dressing and out the door.
* Sounds like you are already doing the "night before" trick. Maybe involve your DD more so she isn't so resistant in the morning? Have her choose clothes, breakfast?
* Have you considered a car breakfast? This is our fall back for "awful" or "oversleep" mornings. I always have cereal bars and juice boxes that I can hand the kids to eat in the car in emergencies. Muffins work well too, but I don't always have those.
* Is her hair long enough to braid at night? That can eliminate morning tangles.
* Does she like to race the timer? That sometimes helps us.
* Can you carve out enough time to make breakfast a pleasent together experience? We generally eat breakfast before we get dressed (less change of needing fresh clothes after spills) and try to make that a pleasent 15-20 minutes or so of family time.
* Can you do things together? When the kids were in preschool we had a "getting dressed" party every morning -- all in the master bedroom, all at the same time. That meant that I could continue to prompt while also getting myself ready and it kept everyone on track. Same with family tooth brushing.
* Eliminate distractions -- our rule is no TV until you are totally ready to walk out the door. This gives some motivation for them to hurry as well as eliminates them getting distracted along the way. If you don't do TV is there something else that can be a reward for getting ready quickly?
* Remember to phrase things in the positive. "Please put your shirt on" is better than "Stop playing with your doll". And its SOOOOO hard to remember in the mornings!
* I know some families do well with charts and reward stickers, Wasn't ever my thing, but it may be worth a try. Its certainly better than starting each day with a screaming match.
* Eliminate anything you don't have to do in the morining. We don't make beds, do the breakfast dishes (beyond moving them to the counter) or anything else before we leave. Its just too much.

Hope some of those ideas help. Crazy mornings are no fun.

[ssh]

Originally Posted by Qbear'smama

I am looking for any advice, maybe some sympathy? I feel like crap because I am short with my DD in the morning and I yell and she has started calling me on it, which I think is a good thing because I really want to learn to cope better than I am.

DD likes to sleep as long as possible and is a night owl, so I feel bad waking her earlier than absolutely necessary, which I am starting to realize is earlier than I wake her now.

Is your DD getting 10 to 12 hours of sleep? If not, that's what's causing your issues. Here's a good book about it Sleepless in America by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. Here's a link http://www.amazon.com/Sleepless-Amer...der_006073602X .

[Qbear'smama]

Thank you for the input & LOTS of great ideas, E&A'smom! Ssh, no, she definitely does not get 12 hours of sleep, more like 10 on a good night. We try really hard to get her to bed earlier but she just ISN'T sleepy it's really hard. SHe'll sleep in on the weekends but is never an early to bed girl no matter how hard we try. I will keep trying to get her to bed earlier, though and I am REALLY going to focus on making the morning easier and happier for both of us. This means earlier to bed and earlier to rise, definitely. Thanks again!!

[RoViMama]

Sorry this is very disorganized. I got on a roll with ideas. But in no order!!

I agree with everything E&A said. I have a 4 yr DD and I hate mornings. The good thing is my DD likes AMs. but she has three things she needs to do. Get dressed (She picks out her clothes the night before-even socks and undies, they are placed on the dresser), she has to brush her teeth and hair. She has shoulder length hair and it's not too crazy. So if it doesn't get brushed by me, no problem. Her teeth, well, she also brushes as school, so if that doesn't happen then I know at least she is doing it at school.
Breakfast--can she eat at school? Our daycare lets us bring something as long as it's before 8:30. My kids like frozen waffles. Sometimes it's eggs or oatmeal. But sometimes it's a waffle or nothing. Natural consequence for not getting ready in time. She gets a hot snack at school at 9:30. She can wait till then if she needs to.

Can she wear her clothes to bed for the next day?

I agree with LOTS of choices!!!! Picking clothes, brush teeth first or hair, get dressed first or teeth first. If she is ready before you maybe she can pick out your top or socks. I do that sometimes. I can wear pretty much anything to work!!

Have you had a family meeting about mornings? Does she have some ideas on how to make the AM go smoother? DD loves to make plans. Then you can say, "Okay lets see if your plans works better." And then praise her when it works. Make it work. Or if it really doesn't work (after you both try it) see what needs to be tweaked.
I think I would say, "I need you help. Have you noticed how crazy our mornings are? What do you think we can do to make them smoother?"

Oh I thought of something else: Can you back up her bed time by 15 minutes? Talk to her about the importance of sleep and work on putting her body to sleep. I taught my DD how to relax her body one part at a time. Gentle music, maybe some sleepy smells, and doing a relaxation exercise. It takes time, but at 4 my DD gets it.

[Qbear'smama]

Thanks, RoViMama! This morning went better, I woke her earlier and that meant she had more time to prepare herself for doing what she had to do. I gave her choices for what to do first and that was helpful. She put her own socks, sweater and boots and was proud to show me (small victories!!) and she brushed teeth while I brushed hair (which needs a trim, that would help, too). I got a little impatient at the end because we were almost out the door like 3 times and she kept finding reasons to dawdle and stall the departure, but it was an improvement.

She did get to bed a little earlier last night, but it was tough since her dad is away working and she sleeps with me and I stayed up reading, but it wasn't bad, she fell asleep fast. I am definitely going to keep working on the earlier bedtime and really, I know I need to work on my reactions to things, I was raised by a yeller and stress brings that out in me. I need to change that especially since DD is sensitive to it because we don't treat her that way. Except me, in the mornings .

No she can't eat in the morning at school but I bought some cereal bars yesterday and she ate one of those in the car this morning and really liked it, so that was good (even though at first she was adamant that she didn't want it, I brought it anyway and she scarfed it down). And snack is not that late in the morning, so good point if she just has a little nibble. I know some people do the wear the clothes to bed thing, but she wears a uniform that is not nearly as comfortable as pyjamas, so no go there. I like the idea of asking her for her plans, that would be empowering for her, rather than her feeling empowered by stalling the process, which may be the case. Thanks again, I am so committed to making this better for us. I don't want her to remember her school years with mommy yelling at her in the mornings, which DH and I both remember from ours.

[MrsH]

Aww hugs mama. Mornings can be SO hard. We really struggle as well. Previous posters have given some GREAT advice, many ideas have also helped us. I have a few other things that helped:
-on weekend day, take a photo of her "ready" and what that looks like. Then, you can print the picture out and tell her "now get ready, just like this picture." We use it for the final departure, so our picture shows a smiling girl, hair brushed, jacket on, backpack, water bottle and lunch peeking outing the top, socks, shoes. She'll need a bit of coaching in the beginning, but we found that our kids (8 and 4) can now look at the chart and "get ready," something they couldn't conceptualize before.
-as opposed to some other posters, I'd suggest trying fewer choices in the morning and focusing more on having the same routine every day. Our 4 year old, when he's a bit tired or grumpy, can't make choices and wailing "I don't know!" quickly ensues. So we choose outfits on the weekend, complete with undies, socks, and even accessories (for the girl). For a while I decided on breakfast, and now we have it where they choose between oatmeal and cereal, or we have waffles (a favorite which they never say no to!).
-to remember the routine, we have tried various forms of list systems. What currently works for us is that we have index cards with parts of the routine (get up/bathroom/get dressed is one, breakfast another, bathroom w/ all the various elements that happen there, pack backpack, and "ready to leave...?"). We included pictures on them, attached a piece of velcro to the back and stuck them to a piece of felt on the wall. As soon as a card is done it goes to the "done" column. They seem to like it.

Regardless of what you choose and what ends up working, I'm finding that mornings are always in flux. When they start going south again, we try to have a family meeting to problem solve. Sometimes we change the order of the routine, or add in a reward for a while (last year it was a sticker every day they were ready on time, and if they earned 4 stickers we'd have ice-cream sundaes for dessert on Friday). Other times we wake up earlier, start the day off with some music, or incorporate a special breakfast one day a week. They've gotten pretty good at problem-solving, and while it's still hard work for me to keep mornings cheerful, they're a thousand times better than where we started a a year ago!!

Good luck!

PS I'd second the recommendation of Sleepless in America. It really helps you identify your child's temperament and what that means for her sleep behaviors.

[ASusan]

Lots of great recommendations here, which I won't repeat.

DS has difficult hair. I cannot WAIT for DH to cut it (this weekend?). I do resort to a video during hair combing. DS gets his hair combed on top of the dryer, where we used to change his diapers. I bring my laptop into the laundry room, and DS watches short musical numbers from musicals and, lately, Michael Jackson videos while he sits on the dryer. My only problem with this is that I have oily hands and pressing reply is an issue. He is learning to do that himself!

I have also been known to put a baseball cap on his head as we go out the door...bypassing the hair all-together. Don't tell DH.

[happysmileylady]

I have super curly hair and so does my oldest, I HATED HATED HATED getting my hair done as a kid, my mom never knew how to do it.

Some suggestions I have for dealing with the curly hair..

Another poster suggested braiding it at night to keep the tangles at bay, a great suggestion.

To go one step further with that...if it is long enough, you can french braid it the night before, really tightly, and use some hair spray and stuff on it, then, in the morning you don't even have to fix it. Obviously not an every day solution, but an option. You can do the same thing with little pony tails down the back too.

If you can manage the time, a bath/shower in the morning instead of at night can help too. Curly hair is easist to style wet and freshly conditioned (and it's not necessary to wash most types of curly hair every day or even every other day) If you can't do the bath/shower in the morning, at least try filling a spray bottle with water and spraying the hair down. Then, instead of using a brush, use a wide tooth comb or a pick to get through it. Most often, a brush actually causes more breakage and can cause more tangles, making it all hurt more and take longer.

[Qbear'smama]

You mamas are awesome, thanks for the help! I definitely don't have time to bathe DD in the morning but I am going to try to braid her hair at night (tonight for sure, it's bath night!) although the other night I did that and it still needed redoing in the morning, it was all fuzzy, but sometimes it survives the night. I suck at french braiding, gotta work on that, but also DD is going thru a phase of wanting it loose with a headband, which adds to my misery with the tangles, but water and leave in conditioner spray are my friends! Mrs. H, wow you are super organized and creative with the pictures, I should try that...ASusan, we're having a boy so at least I won't (hopefully) have to go through this with two, we are definitely going to keep his hair short!!