15 tr old got caught using his cell phone in school.

[LionessMom]

the school took it away until the end of the school day. i think that is acceptable. it is their rule and they have this consequence. DH wants me to ground him at home too. i think it is uneccessary as he was already "punished".
this next part probably belongs in PaP but DH got mad bc he thinks i let DS walk all over me. thhen he says that i am not a "real parent" bc i dont want to parent the way he parents, which he calls the "right way". arrgh. so DH says what if he got into trouble for stealing something etc. and i said that would be different. that would require a bigger consequence. he says rules are rules and he broke the school rules and our rules and he should be punished at school and at home. i dont see the point. i also pointed out that being too strice causes rebellion. i feel like hitting my head on the wall. he was raised by absent parents who spent all their time either drinking or beating the kids for not cleaning the house while they were at the bar.

[happysmileylady]

Well, in my house, getting in trouble at school also results in getting in trouble at home, so I do agree with your DH on that point.

This however

thhen he says that i am not a "real parent" bc i dont want to parent the way he parents, which he calls the "right way".

would irk me off. I would never DARE tell my DH that he's not a "real parent."

[angelpie545]

I don't see the point in grounding him either, since he was already punished. I'm iffy about the "no cell phone" rules in school because of widely publicized cases of schools trampling parents and students' rights-unless the cell phone use was taking place during classroom time. That I have a problem with. Regardless, I wouldn't ground him for such a minor infraction. At this age, there are bigger fish to fry, IMO.

[EFmom]

In our house, there would be punishment as well as what the school handed out.

But not cool of your husband at all.

[2xy]

I tend to agree with the OP, in that natural consequences are the best teachers.

However, as my insightful DS just pointed out....the kid wasn't really punished at school. What did he lose? He lost his cell phone until the END OF THE DAY. This is an item he isn't supposed to be using at school, anyway. So, by losing his phone for the few hours that he's not supposed to be using it, he really hasn't lost anything.

[LionessMom]

so then what would you do?

and it really offended me what DH said. if he hadnt said that i prob would have been open to listening to him. but he started right in on me as soon as i told him i didnt want to take away his phone. he has that phine so that i can always get ahold of him (he walks his younger sister to school) in case of an emergency. he doesnt have the phone to make him popular. but to make it easy to contact him no matter what.

[Amatullah0]

can you block a feature on his phone that he uses? if he was texting at school, you could take that away. or, is it possible to block numbers other than your own from calling him? imo, these sound like very strict consequences considering the issue.

would it be possible for him to have to turn in his phone when he gets to school, to a teacher or principal, for, say, a week? it prevents in-school phone usage, and is somewhat humiliating(though not incredibly), and brings across the point, ok, you are using your phone in school, now we will have to make sure that you can't use your phone in school.

And I agree with everyone else, what your DH said to you is completely unacceptable.

[mamazee]

Well, I agree with you, that it happened at the school and unless it involves theft or bullying or drugs or something major, the school can handle it. And even then, if it was something major, I might be worried and thinking about counseling instead of thinking about punishment. And yes it was a very minor penalty but then it was a pretty darn minor infraction too.

Your dh shouldn't have said that to you, and I certainly hope he didn't say that in front of any of your kids. You two might do well to come to an agreement about how to handle this stuff if it happens again. I agree with you but I don't honestly even know how my dh feels as this hasn't come up yet, so this will prompt a discussion with him. I don't know if there's necessarily a right or wrong (other than that he shouldn't talk to you like that) but you should ideally come to some sort of agreement.

[LionessMom]

Originally Posted by Amatullah0

can you block a feature on his phone that he uses? if he was texting at school, you could take that away. or, is it possible to block numbers other than your own from calling him? imo, these sound like very strict consequences considering the issue.

would it be possible for him to have to turn in his phone when he gets to school, to a teacher or principal, for, say, a week? it prevents in-school phone usage, and is somewhat humiliating(though not incredibly), and brings across the point, ok, you are using your phone in school, now we will have to make sure that you can't use your phone in school.

And I agree with everyone else, what your DH said to you is completely unacceptable.

his phone is broke and he can only use the text feature anyway. i like the turn in to school idea. i just thought that he was punished once already. DH got mad bc he thinks that if it was DSD i would be all over her. which is not true. i treat all the kids according to their age and maturity level. DSD would have gotten nothing from me as the humiliation of it being taken away from her by the teacher would have been way more than enough. He always throws things like that in my face when i disagree with him on discipline. i dont want rebellious kids and he thinks that being hard on them will keep them out of prison

[ImaSophie]

In my home if you get in trouble at school there is a consequence at home as well. I do think yu and your spouse are not on the same page at all when it comes to discipline and you two need to sit down and come to an agreement (this may mean compromising on both your parts) because it is very important for the kids to see you two are together on things.

[Thalia the Muse]

Personally I agree with you on this one, but the bigger issue is getting you and your husband on the same page about discipline and how the kids are treated -- if he really thinks you are unfair to his daughter, or if you both have wildly different expectations about what good discipline looks like, these are problems that need to get addressed.

[Drummer's Wife]

I don't think I'd do anything since he already faced the consequence at school. I guess I just can't think of anything logical, anyway. I would be talking to him about why it's not a good idea to be texting at school (besides the chance of getting caught), and that would likely be it. If it happened again, then I'd consider something stricter. I assume the school would also have a bigger consequence for subsequent offenses.

And, yeah - you and your DH need to talk about discipline/parenting together to come to an aggreance on how to approach these types of situations.

[ssh]

I agree with you on this one, especially since you want your DS to carry a phone so you can contact him. Being too punitive does cause rebellion and sneakiness.

What your DH said to you was completely rude and disrespectful. We'd have a major issue in our house if my DH or I spoke to each other like that.

[Mackenzie]

Originally Posted by 2xy

I tend to agree with the OP, in that natural consequences are the best teachers.

However, as my insightful DS just pointed out....the kid wasn't really punished at school. What did he lose? He lost his cell phone until the END OF THE DAY. This is an item he isn't supposed to be using at school, anyway. So, by losing his phone for the few hours that he's not supposed to be using it, he really hasn't lost anything.

I agree with this posters wise DS... He has not really suffered any consequence...

[MCatLvrMom2A&X]

I have younger kids 9 & 5 but I would not punish your ds over this. It wasnt that big a deal really and unless it happens again I would just let it go.

I would not punish a child at home if they where punished at school (unless it was a fight started by my child or something otherwise really horrible). I dont think it would serve a purpose honestly other than getting in trouble twice for messing up once.

[Chamomile Girl]

Look, I'm a high school teacher and I teach 15 and 16 years olds...and getting caught using your phone in class is not that big a deal. Happens all.the.time. What is a big deal is if that usage starts to become a habit and starts to impact a student's grades. If your DS has been caught doing this multiple times than having the school take the phone until the end of the day is not enough. If it was a first time offence than no home punishment needed.

Unfortunately the natural concequence in all this is to have grades suffer which many students do not care so much about. Or to have the relationship with the teacher suffer. Perhaps a better concequence than a random punishment at home would be to have a conference with the classroom teacher and reach a consensus (along with your DS) about what the appropriate next response should be. I think it is important to have DS be a part of the solution so that the concequence makes sense to him. In other words a punitive solution is going to seem really unfair and have no impact other than alienating your son in a situation like this.

Your husband is seriously out of line IMO. Your DS is the oldest yes? Your DH needs to take a crash course in pareting a teen apparently. What he is advocating smacks of a lack of respect both of you and of your son. This does nobody favors and is a power trip. Take it from one who has learned about teen psychology both in and out of the classroom...he is going about this in entirely the wrong way. Question: If your DS his DSS? If so there might be more going on here, as in jealousy or some such.

[LynnS6]

I would:
Get my husband a copy of something like Love and Logic or Positive Discipline for Teens. (Love and Logic isn't my favorite, but it's a lot less punitive than your dh wants to be, and I think it is a decent approach for teens.)

Give then cell phone a 24 hr. time out at home.

Tell my child that if he uses it during school hours, it'll be gone for a week. (I don't buy the argument that kids need them so parents know where they are. I grew up in an era without cell phones. I still managed to do after school things and have my parents know where I was. And everyone else he knows will have their phone; in a pinch he can borrow theirs.)

CHECK the usage log every day for a week (you can probably do this online even). Then spot check every couple of days to make sure there aren't any messages being sent during school hours. If there are, the phone is confiscated for a couple of days.

I've never understood the logic of grounding a child. The logical consequence here is related to phone usage.

[JudiAU]

At my mom's school, they loose their phones for the semester. I actually think that is reasonable, because texting is a real nuisance. Every violation at her school in the last four years was texting-related.

I think violation of the school's rules should be acted upon at school and home. But I think your DH was way out of line in his comments about your parenting.

[RoViMama]

Why was he using the phone?

[CarrieMF]

he has that phine so that i can always get ahold of him (he walks his younger sister to school) in case of an emergency.

I'd give the phone to the sister for the next week. You can still get in touch with them while walking to school. Make sure she turns it off when she gets to school. If an emergency happens while they're at school you can call the school directly.

He really wasn't punished by the school, he just got what should have happened in the first place(not using the phone during school time).