15 tr old got caught using his cell phone in school. - Page 4

[meemee]

Originally Posted by EdnaMarie

He's fifteen. It's a rule. Deal. Yes, he is nervous, but he can ask to be excused to take a rest. If it's that bad, either don't go to school, or take a "time out" to rest, or go to the nurse. If it's not, then sit there.

I really do empathize with this young man but I also think he needs to learn that the phone is not an answer to that kind of problem, and that there are rarely true reasons to break these rules. It sounds like his mom and he already decided that.

i agree with you in general...

BUT...

in this instance i am thinking he probably has been freaked out by the docs. its all new to him. he gets the chest pain and hits the panic button.

yes he shouldnt have. but if he felt scared worrying if he was going to die or have a heart attack, this call (dont know about the others) might have been reasonable. the nurse might have been the best choice but i was wondering if he was needing emotional support or he wanted to talk to someone who knew what was going on.

my dd has anxiety. until she learns to control herself, in future OPs ss could have been my dd.

[Arduinna]

Originally Posted by CarrieMF

Her son is walking all over her when she takes stuff(internet, computer) away from him & he just goes & does it anyhow. It wasn't because the school took the phone away for the day.



do they use them during meetings? class time is like a meeting. texting during break time is fine, but this kid wasn't doing that either. He was texting during an inappropriate time & got caught.



but is that the only way they can look those things up? It may be faster for them & more convenient but it's not the only way.

Cel phones banned during school time is because of harrassment & inappropriate use. Sure there are arguments why it should be okay but in most schools they're banned for the protection of the other students.



most people don't want kids who turn 18 move out & have no knowledge of how the real world works, but that's why as parents we take these experiences as teaching moments on responsibility & how actions have consequences(that we may not like or agree with)

Since you quoted me, I'll respond.

IIRC you are a teacher in some capacity? I'm an unschooler. I really don't care about the schools rules regarding cell phone use, especially not when we are talking about a kid texting his mom over a medical issue. The harassment argument isn't applicable here. And school is hardly the real world but if it was the school already did their natural consequence. I get a real no tolerance vibe from you on this so I think we just have to agree to disagree because we clearly have very different parenting philosophies.

[LynnS6]

Originally Posted by LionessMom

DS does have a general "do what i want" attitude. but he does everything i ask of him 95% of the time. i cant bring myself to "bring down the law" on him, like DH wants, bc to me he is great. i dont want him to get rebellious bc i am being "mean" to him instead of enlisting his help.

I think the major problem is the fact that your dh has a very different idea about what it means to parent a teen than you do.

From what you posted, your teen generally helpful and kind. He usually follows the rules. He did something somewhat ill-advised (texting you during class rather than going to the school nurse), got caught and has suffered the school consequences. What more is there for him to suffer? Why does your dh want you to 'bring down the law' about something so relatively minor?

I think it's time for a serious discussion with your husband about his fears. What is he afraid of? What behaviors is he seeing that he's worried about?

I was listening to a conversation my dh was having with a friend of ours yesterday. She's got a teenager and they were talking about what works to motivate teenagers. My dh's point was that approaches that are designed to evoke fear in teenagers rarely work. Approaches that are based on love and helping the teen to make reasonable decisions usually do. (Can I just say that I love my husband!) That's true whether it's driver's ed or substance abuse or sex ed or whatever it is. If your job is to make the child fear the consequences, what you'll probably achieve are kids who are really good at hiding things to avoid the consequences. On the other hand, approaches that are 'loved based' do work. Personally, I think parents of a teen need the mantra: "I love you and I'm concerned for you. What are you doing to keep safe?" followed by "What were you thinking when you did this? What would be another way?"

Parenting a teen is an exercise in giving up control. It's sounds like your dh is very afraid of your son being out of control. How can you set reasonable limits together? Ones that are respectful of your ds and everyone in the family? Ones that help him learn?

[A&A]

Originally Posted by Chamomile Girl

Look, I'm a high school teacher and I teach 15 and 16 years olds...and getting caught using your phone in class is not that big a deal. Happens all.the.time. What is a big deal is if that usage starts to become a habit and starts to impact a student's grades. If your DS has been caught doing this multiple times than having the school take the phone until the end of the day is not enough. If it was a first time offence than no home punishment needed.

[LionessMom]

Originally Posted by LynnS6

Why does your dh want you to 'bring down the law' about something so relatively minor?

Parenting a teen is an exercise in giving up control. It's sounds like your dh is very afraid of your son being out of control. How can you set reasonable limits together? Ones that are respectful of your ds and everyone in the family? Ones that help him learn?

mdc keeps eating my posts today.

DH had a rough childhood. he teels me that his mom and step dad were either at their 2 jobs or drinking at the bar. and when they got home they would wake the boys and beat them if they didnt have the house clean. he says sometimes he only ate bc the school served free hot lunch. he tells me stories of eating cereal with kool aid and ketchup sandwiches. he ended up in juvenile bc he was breaking and entering wiith his brothers and stealing stuff out of peoples garages. i think he is trying to make up for his parents absence. he really cares about his kids and doesnt want them to be like he was. he thinks that letting them get away with a little sets them up for a lot. i keep telling him they ahve something he didnt. me. and him. involved. i get so sad hearing about his childhood. he had it rough. he has been working since he was 15. he was homeless for awhile bc he wouldnt live at home anymore. he was living under a bridge for a year, in peoples basemements. etc. so that might explain something. he has unresolved resentment towards his parents. he never knew his bio dad or even who he was. his mom says she was so drunk she cant even remember if she asked him his name

[mamazee]

This seems so common, for people who acted up as teens to become harsher disciplinarians because they're afraid that their kids will also act up if they aren't. But ironically, it seems like most of these people say things like what your dh says, that their parents were either very harsh (beat up for the house not being clean enough) or were very inconsistent (sometimes beat up sometimes ignored) or the parents were absent, either physically or do to drug/alcohol abuse/some other similar issue. Involved gentle parents are rarely behind these stories. Not never, I'm sure, but there does seem to be a pattern.

[LionessMom]

Originally Posted by mamazee

This seems so common, for people who acted up as teens to become harsher disciplinarians because they're afraid that their kids will also act up if they aren't. But ironically, it seems like most of these people say things like what your dh says, that their parents were either very harsh (beat up for the house not being clean enough) or were very inconsistent (sometimes beat up sometimes ignored) or the parents were absent, either physically or do to drug/alcohol abuse/some other similar issue. Involved gentle parents are rarely behind these stories. Not never, I'm sure, but there does seem to be a pattern.

that is what i keep trying to tell him.

[mom2happy]

I just want to say that your son was embarrased enough at school.
I would have done the same as you.
My DH would have done the same as yours did.
We are in the same boat except my kids are younger.

The only thing my DH wouldnt do is say the words "real parent"
He knows I would flip out. My whole life is raising these kids. Whether or not we agree all the time is totally different than insulting the most important job a mother has.
I would need to sort that out with your DH in a nice way, like, he better not say that.
Your DS sounds like a good boy.

[plantnerd]

Am I the only one who would suspect the "I was trying to text you about chest pain" excuse as a lie? I mean, he's 15, if that would work to make you go "awwww" instead of "what the hell were you doing on the phone in school?" why wouldn't he try it?

I guess I would ask to see the text... And no more phone at school. Who do you need to call? All of your friends are already there, and if there's an emergency use a landline, they do still have those.

[LionessMom]

Originally Posted by mom2happy

I just want to say that your son was embarrased enough at school.
I would have done the same as you.
My DH would have done the same as yours did.
We are in the same boat except my kids are younger.

The only thing my DH wouldnt do is say the words "real parent"
He knows I would flip out. My whole life is raising these kids. Whether or not we agree all the time is totally different than insulting the most important job a mother has.
I would need to sort that out with your DH in a nice way, like, he better not say that.
Your DS sounds like a good boy.

thanks, my DH has the tendency to say things like that when we fight bc he knows it hurts my feelings. but that is a matter for another post.

Originally Posted by plantnerd

Am I the only one who would suspect the "I was trying to text you about chest pain" excuse as a lie? I mean, he's 15, if that would work to make you go "awwww" instead of "what the hell were you doing on the phone in school?" why wouldn't he try it?

I guess I would ask to see the text... And no more phone at school. Who do you need to call? All of your friends are already there, and if there's an emergency use a landline, they do still have those.

i though it could be al ie so i did ask to see it. there was one to me saved in his drafts, but drafts dont save the time they were created so he could have created it right after i asked him to see it. but whatever. i still think that he got the point from the school. if it happens again i will take things further and take his phone away for awhile. he seems to have learned his lesson though.

[Melanie_7773]

Just thought this article in today's Globe and Mail was interesting in the context of this thread.

Oh, and FTR to the OP, I'm one of those in the camp that using the phone in class is a sufficiently minor issue to let the school handle it. If it were my kid he would have gotten a conversation about why it was a bad idea and, depending on my mood, maybe something to the effect of "I don't expect to hear about it happening again". End of story.

Also regarding the attempted at-home punishment after the fact, my take was that it was imposed half-heartedly because the OP herself didn't really feel it was warranted and was only doing it because other people (her husband and most of the early posters in this thread) told her she should. Under those circumstances I'm not surprised it didn't "stick". While I think half-hearted attempts at punishment are probably ill-advised, I wouldn't necessarily take it as an indication that there's a serious discipline or respect issue at play. The OP will know if it's a more worrisome issue for her.