Single, having a homebirth

[natural_mama89]

I am due October/November with my third child. The father has recently left me and does not intend to be present for the birth, though that was the plan whe we were together. He was supposed to catch the baby and everything. I have had two successful out of hospital births but I am totally terrified of giving birth without him there. My two older children's dad was present at their births and I just cannot imagine doing it without a partner. I am worried that it will bother me so much that I feel he should be there that my labor may go badly. I do plan on having two doulas there to help me in addition to my midwife, and an assistant. Is there anything else I can do to prepare physically and emotionally for his absence at the birth?

[Phoenix~Mama]

Hi! I'm single and due Oct/Nov too!!

When my STBX and I first split I was scared of having the homebirth/birth without him too.

What I did that got my mind in a totally better place was read a bunch of empowering UC birth stories. Even though I personally am not comfortable going UC... I found such strength and courage in those birth stories, that I knew I could do this on my own with a doula and a MW whom I trust.

I have so much love and confidence for my birth team and my MW has grounded me so many times through this pregnancy/separation and that has made a tremendous difference for me too.

You are made to birth babies. You don't need your partner. You have your own womanly strength, supported by generations upon generations of strong birthing women. You can do this.

And you already have the support of doulas! Which is also an awesome plus. You can do this Mama!

Are you in the Nov or the Oct DDC? I'm in the Nov.

[natural_mama89]

I actually haven't even hit up the DDC's. I hadn't been on MDC in about 8 months before today. But, since I have been having such a hard time lately, I remembered the wonderful support I got on here and decided to come back. I am technically due in November though, so i think I'll head over to the DDC . I guess the things that have made me feel more confident are that men traditionally were never present for the births of their children anyway, and that lots of UC mamas do it totally solo. The only real thing i am grappling with now is that I'm normally the sort of person who will invite anyone and everyone willing to attend to my birth, because I think it is so profound to witness a natural birth in our culture, and it has deeply impacted everyone present at my other births. Since he isn't going to be there though, I kind of feel like I just want myself, the midwives and doulas and the kids, maybe one friend who actually is looking into midwifery as a career path because I know how thrilled i'd be to actually get to be present at someone's birth other than my own and have yet to. I think maybe I will just stick to females only though it never mattered to me before. To compensate, i think it would make me feel best to have the entire labor and birth filmed. That way I couldn't feel bad about makeing my friends miss out. And then the dad can actually see it too if he regrets not having been there. It mostly just sucks for me, because I am so into birth and its one of those things I am so interested in and just do well. I wanted him to be able to see that I am strong.

[MegBoz]

Sorry to hear that.

The only thing that comes to my mind is to spend time imagining a positive birth with the doulas & MWs. Picture them as your support system, picture a great birth in that environment, envision & embrace that as your plan & your image of a positive birth.

It's totally not comparable, but by way of weak analogy, I was planning a hospital birth with DS. Planned to do the majority of my labor at home - my doula was going to help me with timing it to get to the hospital last minute. Found out I was GBS+ & decided to get ABTs (wouldn't do so now that I'm better educated, but anyway) & was devastated at the idea of having to go to the hospital nearly FIVE HOURS before birth instead of like 30 minutes.

I realized I just had to change my vision - change the picture in my mind & start wrapping my head around this new reality - start imagining a joyful birth even with laboring in the hospital.

Best of luck to you!

[MsBlack]

I have given birth twice without a partner. The first time, it was that way from the start, the biodad was not interested and I planned from the beginning to do it with women friends. It was a great birth.

The 2nd time, biodad left in major drama fit pretty late in the game. He'd not done a thing up to that point to prepare anyway, though he talked big stuff about being there. Anyway--again I planned (late in the game) for women friends to support me. I'd tried to work it out with him to be there, even if wasn't moving back in w/us (me/other kids), but he was...well, lost in his little world of addiction at the time. I got this vision, finally, of a circle of my friends there--and decided to go for that and leave him out of my considerations.

But then at the last minute I called him when I went into labor. What a mistake. My women friends were there...but it was not the beautiful women's circle I'd envisioned--nor the intimate woman/man event I'd originally hoped for. Sparing details, it was NOT a good time!

So I say--cry when you have to, mourn the loss of his love and presence, but make a birth plan you can be happy with. Having a biodad there is really NOT the be-all, end-all, even though at times it is the right thing for a couple. Sounds like for you, it's not the right thing this time--and that's just fine! You can have a lovely, supported, empowered birth with your loved women friends...and yeah, that is the oldest tradition of women at birth--being surrounded by other women, with the men awaiting word of the outcome somewhere else. Draw upon that tradition, and the hearts of millions of women before you in birthing in this oldest of ways.

[SilverLace]

My story is a little different... I was single when I gave birth to a surrogate baby (at home, water birth) shortly after my DH had started dating but I didn't invite him to the birth (that's a funny story itself).

I had a midwife, an assistant, and a friend who is also a midwife there to help out.

It was a great birth. The main thing I would do differently is be clearer about roles. There were 3 midwives all who would've been awesome at labor support but no one was totally sure who was supposed to do what and the one I was closest to ended up being busy with my DD and the baby's parents.

So, I'd say you can have an awesome birth and just be clear with your birth team about who is to do what.

[ferra]

I had ds without a man around for support. Just a good friend and my midwives. It was a very empowering experience. I just turned off the lights, covered the clocks and let my body take over. The FOB didn't even cross my mind during the labor. Although I didn't have a strong emotional attachment to him. Good luck girl. All girl births are fun!

[natural_mama89]

Thank you so much for all your supportive stories and advice ladies! Especially MsBlack, I always love your posts about these things. I know I can do this, I just have to get my head in the right space. Both of my other births were wonderful and I'm sure this one can be too, even without the father there. I will just need as much other support and encouragement as I can get.

[MsBlack]

You're welcome

Not sure if this will speak to you at all...but a few months after that baby's birth, I got a psychic reading as I do every once in a great while. She told me that the biodad had 'already given all he had to give to the baby', and 'this baby came to *you*--that is what you have to work with. Don't worry about the biodad's involvement'. I wish I'd spoken to her before the birth! Because I wasted time and emotional energy trying to get him involved--but he truly *had* given all he had to give, nothing more was there in him. He planted the seed...and stuck around long enough for that seed to grow well beyond any possible consideration of terminating the pregnancy, or even adopting out (I was far too bonded w/my son by then, to consider anything but raising him myself).

The other thing the psychic said--which message has been repeated to me in various ways all along--is that the baby had his own angels to help him receive all he needed in this life. So I pass this on to you, as I have passed it on since then to many a woman in your position--I found it to be totally true. Kids need reasonably dependable love and nurturing--wherever that comes from. Planting a seed, or even growing and birthing a baby, does not guarantee a bio-parent will actually have the heart or interest in being that reasonably dependable source of love and nurturing. But when those of us who do have the heart and the interest will do all we can, *and* ready to help our children receive love/nurturing through their own angels, all can be well.

I don't know what you will do about this biodad, what HE will choose to do about being a dad--some do step up to the plate in some reliable way even if my son's biodad never did (and we haven't heard/seen him in many years now, though the state does make him pay a very small amt of ch. support still). For now, that doesn't really matter...what matters is you finding a calm space in which to finish growing, and then birthing and bonding with this baby! Make that your priority, trust to love and the angels who will help you--leave the rest for later