5 year old doesn't like kindergarten

[babyjaguar]

I am very torn. I homeschooled my son last year for kindergarten and he wanted to continue for first grade. My daughter insisted she wanted to go to "real school" and I must admit I didn't want her to go so I tried to explain it is a very long day away from mommy (it's full day), you can't get up and walk around whenever you want (less freedom) etc. etc... She wanted to go sooo bad. My parents never really understood me home schooling, all of my siblings are public school teachers, so as soon as my mom found out she wanted to go to school she bought her a backpack, took her shopping for school clothes, and then my daughter boasted to everyone she saw, "I'm going to kindergarten in the fall!" At this point I still hadn't decided if she was going. I felt a little mean what if she never experiences kindergarten and has resentment towards me forever, maybe she would love it. I decided I would let her try it since she wanted it so bad and I felt guilty talking her out of it, maybe she would thrive. So I signed her up and my son 7 decided he wanted to give school a try too. Tuesday was the first day my daughter was more excited than Christmas morning I thought I made the right choice. I spend everyday sick to my stomach. My kids are with complete strangers for 7 hours a day and I have no ideal what they are doing. Now my daughter says she doesn't like school and her teachers inform me she spends all morning crying, that she is withdrawn. She begged me not to go to school today and I gave her a little pep talk and sent her anyways. What do I do? I didn't want her to go in the first place for this exact reason. Do I pull her out? How long should I wait to let her warm up? I want her to be happy. Help!!!
p.s. My son thinks school is awesome and he was the one who was hesitant. Ain't that life.

[earthmama369]

I would go ahead and pull her out. It sounds like you fell prey to a momentary doubt, combined with family pressure and lack of support, but your original intent was to continue homeschooling this year. So I would go back to homeschooling and shore up my inner fortifications against my mother, if I were you.

As far as kids making schooling decisions, well, everyone's different. Some kids really can make that call for themselves at 5 or 6, but I suspect that it's very hard for most kids that age to really grok what going to school is like when they've never done it before. The grass can seem greener on the other side, but it's ok for you as their parent to help them learn when an opportunity is truly something worth taking advantage of and when it's just a "grass is greener" curiosity and not truly a deep desire or good opportunity.

[KatWozBlue]

It is perfectly normal for kids to come home the first few days in school completely unsure, unhappy, etc. Its too soon I think to make the decision to pull her out, I think a month is a good indicator of whether or not this is going to be a successful try into the school setting. Stay positive, its okay for her to be unhappy and the tears will stop soon, but make sure the teacher is being supportive, email/call her in the afternoon and find out how she is doing, let her know this is your daughter's first experience in a school setting. I remember in my son's kindergarten last year there was a little girl who spent the first days crying ended up loving it by week 2 and made a ton of friends.

If after a month she is still completely miserable, then I would totaly consider homeschooling if that is something you want to do and just keep the school option open for her (only because her brother is there).

Good luck and don't stress! Like with everything else when it comes to children, this too will pass.

[babyjaguar]

Thank you for your encouraging words. I have always struggled with confidence I am very easily talked into and out of things. My daughter is very bright and has started reading because it is fun for her. I never gave her formal instruction. I have always like a lot of the unschooling philosophies and have read two of John Holt's books and they just made a lot of sense to me. I just struggled with the fact that maybe my life is just not exciting enough to be an unschooler. And then along the lines of child led learning if my daughter is so excited to go to school and give it a go then shouldn't I let her try? I think you are right about the grass is greener. Also last year I signed her up for a piano class (her ideal) it was small and the parents stay in the class the whole time. She decided she didn't like it after the second class but I encouraged her to give it a couple more tries, plus it was really expensive, and by the end of the season she didn't want it to end. So again I'm thinking maybe give it a week and if she is still hating it take her out. I'm 31 and it takes me a while to warm up to new people and new surroundings.

[babyjaguar]

A month was my original ideal but now that I know she is crying from 8am to noon it is seeming a little long. I was nervous and shy on my first date with my husband but I warmed up to him fell in love and now he is my best friend. Some things that are new and scary end up being great, but what if it is just plain traumatizing!! I don't know. Thank you for all the advice this is such a help.

[4evermom]

If you don't have to send her to school for other reasons (like so you can work), I'd absolutely take her out if she is crying all morning. I sent my own ds to pre-k for 10 days over the course of 6 weeks. He was worrying each night if he had to go to school the next day, fighting sleep because morning would come faster, crying when I had to leave when he only cried when hurt before. I wish I took him out sooner rather than trying to make it work. It took him a good year for the ill effects of the experience to be mostly gone. Your dd isn't going to learn anything in kindergarten that she can't learn at home.

[pregnant@40]

Kids pick up on their parents' feelings & conversation. Could that fact that you have a stomach ache & feel upset about sending her to school contributed in any way to her reaction to K? If you're unhappy, she'll feel unhappy. K's are like sponges w/ emotions.

Is she a very early 5?

Has she recently made the transition? Have you spoken to the K teacher about her perceptions, and if this is a normal reaction & how long it typically lasts (ie. days, weeks, or months)? What does she/he observe in kids as they transition into the school year? What kind of input do other parents give you about how their kids are transitioning? Does the classroom feel like a happy place to be?

Personally, I would probably wait about 2 weeks and reassess.

[swell_mel]

It might just be that she needs a long time to adjust. You mentioned piano lessons and her wanting to quit at first but encouraging her to stick with it and she ended up loving it. Kindergarten is a huge adjustment and it might just be that it will take longer for her to get used to the new enviroment.
When our oldest dd started kindergarten last year there was a kid in her class that melted down every day for a few weeks. From what I gathered he cried most of the day every day for the first week and then it was just morning melt downs for another week or 2. But he adjusted and ended up doing fabulous. Just a couple months in and you never would have guessed he had such a difficult time in the beginning. I agree with a pp that suggested maybe she is picking up on your anxiety about it. That could definitely be a factor. I know it's rough. Stay positive and be encouraging. Can you schedule a visit to her class? That might brighten her day.

[babyjaguar]

Thank you so much! All of these suggestions are so encouraging and greatly appreciated. Sometimes it helps to have unbiased opinions. Well.... tomorrow is Friday and my daughter still does not want to go, she was just crying in her room 9pm and I asked her what was wrong and she said she didn't want to go to school tomorrow. I asked what she didn't like about school and she said "everything". I catch her singing songs she learned at school and she will chime in with funny stories from her day. She said when she was crying today a little girl in her class came up and asked if she would like her to rub her back (how cute is that). And she also said "Mom, guess who is like the nicest person in the world? Mrs. G" (the asst. teacher). I just don't get it. I agree with what everyone has said. I have been really good about hiding my anxiety and fear, and have done everything in my power to make school seem awesome, but she is still sad. Will she get use to it or just learn to say she likes it because everyone says she should. I don't work right now so she doesn't have to be there. I am glad tomorrow is Fri. because if she likes anything about it she will be talking about it over the weekend and come Mon. will be anxious to get back. If she is still dreading it I think I will give her the rest of the week and then call it quits with hopefully no harm done. I will keep you updated and please keep the advice coming. Thanks again!

[claras_mom]

My older daughter, who has been in daycare and preschool full time since she was nine months old, is nonetheless having a little bit of a hard time with kindergarten. Not super bad--not crying, for example--but she's not firing on all thrusters at the moment; tends to be clingy in the morning; really wants to be picked up as early as possible from the after school program. The class stuff is fine, BTW--she's having a blast with all the different activities. I think that it's the social adjustment that's more difficult.

So even for a kid used to a sort of structure to the day, and with a solid pre-K experience, it's hard. Lots of people, lots of new routines to learn (where everything is, how to buy your milk at lunch, what the rules are, what people's names are). So in your case, I'd tend to give it more time, but provide a ton of nurturing in the off hours.

And acknowledge to her that it's a big change for everyone with lots to get used to.

[jeteaa]

I was hsing my 6 yr old dd1 and 4 yr old dd2 up until this morning when we went and registered dd1 in ps and dd2 in a co-op preschool. At the end of last yr (hs K) I was very very burnt out. I asked dd1 if she would please try out ps for the next year. She was VERY persistent about wanting to continue to hs. She said "you will ruin my life if you put me in school". Her reasons were valid. She said she would be board in school, that there would be too many kids in a class room, that she would have to be inside on a sunny day... then she gave me doe eyes and said that she would miss me too much. So We started this yr hs. Now dd2 is a very different kids, and she is really needs preschool. So when we went to tour the class and meet the teacher, dd1 instantly changed her mind about ps. After a week of FT 1st grade, she may change her mind again... but unless its really horrible, she will stick with it, for my sake too. My point is that hs or not, kids minds change moment to moment. Since she is already in school, her brother is in school, stick with it for a while longer.

[meemee]

just so you know K and first grade is a hard time adjusting for ALL kids. it shows up in different forms. some dont want to go back. some are soo tired and cranky. many need a lot of sleep. almost all the kids in dd's class had some sort of anxiety about starting school. but were ok by the end of the month.

my dd hated it because it didnt have that many art projects or science experiments as she had in her dc.

[phathui5]

She wanted to try it. She didn't like it.

You sound like you don't mind homeschooling, so why not bring her home?

[dawncayden]

Are you able to stay with her in the class for part of the day?

[babyjaguar]

Thank you all. I greatly appreciate all of your opinions. No, I can not stay with her for part of the day and they actually encourage keeping goodbyes short to lessen the child's anxiety. I just loved having my kids home with me, not being labeled or hurried.... I just hate this. My daughter is sort-of dramatic and I just don't know where the line is. When am I spoiling her and letting her get everything she wants, and when am I genuinely in tune with her feelings and supporting her? Life doesn't always go the way I want but I know I can't just go around punching and screaming. Everyone says this is preparing her for "real life" but sometimes I just think school is such a joke! Like if I don't let my daughter cut and paste with a bunch of strangers she may never function in society!! Sorry, I know I am getting a little sarcastic. Her teacher informed me that she worries when she sees her curl up in a ball as she withdraws and cries (of course reading this in her email made me cry) she is so sad she is in the fetal position. She is VERY VERY attached to me and I wonder if I should stick this out and help her cut the cord a little or should I encourage the attachment. I don't want to traumatize her, but I also don't want her to think that the world revolves around her, but then again is public education necessary at all. Well, I have a meeting with her teacher tomorrow so wish me luck, and I will keep you all updated.

[MCatLvrMom2A&X]

I would love to have the choice of pulling out my ds but I cant for various reasons. No way would I make her go if she is crying like that every day. I would take her out and then try again next year if she wants.

[Cascadian]

I agree with those who say that the transition to K/Gr 1 is hard for most kids. I also say give it some time, then decide if to pull her out after about a month. I don't think a month of public school will forever traumatize her. Understand that her transition is from one of complete child-led freedom and lots of attention to structure and having to be more independent. Her 'idea' of school is not matching the reality. Having said that...public school is not bad. It's mostly fun, actually, especially at that grade.

It seems that she might be picking up on your anxiety. I was very attuned to my mother, and when mama ain't happy, no one's happy. Did she ever have attachment issues?

My suggestion would be to set up a playdate with a potential friend at the school. This makes all the difference in the world, having at least one good friend who she'll see every day.

[angelandmisha]

I think that from what you've said, I'd bring her home. I can't imagine the thought of my ds curled up in a ball crying all day, it would just break my heart. That being said, you know her best and you should listen carefully to your own instincts about what she needs and then follow those. It sounds like you want to bring her home, she's told you that's what she wants, and you've read so much about homeschooling/unschooling that you probably won't worry that she's missing out on some important academics. I used to teach 2nd grade and I plan on homeschooling in part because of that experience.

Trust yourself, trust your daughter. You'll make the right choice for your family.

[angelandmisha]

Just as an aside, how is the child who cries for hours/days/weeks at kindergarten and then becomes adjusted to it a vastly different deal than CIO? Why does the same reasoning not apply? I'm just curious, that had never occurred to me before, but reading this thread made me wonder.

[LauraN]

I agree with pps who say pull her out since you can. If she chooses, or you want her to, she can try again in a couple of years when maturity brings independence more naturally. I'm a big believer in not teaching hard lessons about things that will come more easily with maturity. Independence is one of those things. I now have two very indepentent kids (ages 6 and 8) and one still-dependent 3 yr old.
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