private school, money, neighbors, and co-workers

[Linda on the move]

We opted for a very cool private alternative school for our kids this year and it's working out great for them.

But I feel weird about other people (mainly our neighbors and my DH's co-workers) knowing how much we are paying for our kids' educations. Since everyone knows where the kids go to school and the info is right on the web site, I feel ..... like I want more privacy. I'm the only SAHM in the neighborhood and just feel..... weird.

[CatsCradle]

We chose private school for DD too, and are happy with our decision and hope to continue throughout secondary school if our budget allows. Our decision was based on what melded with our educational philosophy and also class size, consistency, etc. Our school's tuition (like many in our town) is readily accessible to the public. My neigborhood has varying economic classes and a majority of the kids there either go to public school or Catholic school. I don't know of anyone who sends their child out of the neigborhood like we do. We chose a Montessori school in a different neighborhood that goes to eighth grade level. We may transfer DD to a prep school in our own neighborhood next year which has the same price range and philosophies.

My next-door neighbor just said the other day that she is sending her DD to public kindergarten, because she can't afford the Catholic kindergarten of her choice. When she made this statement, I felt a twinge of guilt that DH and I are in the position to be able to send DD to private school. It was the only time in my life where I have felt that someone else might perceive us as elitist. I think this is directly related to the social acceptance that private school is for "rich people." I had to, and have to, keep reminding myself that our intentions are not about appearances or social status. We just feel that, given our circumstances in this huge city, we are making the best educational choice for our child and are fortunate to be able to make that choice. I also have to remind myself that we forego a lot of material possessions (cars; high-ticket consumer items; bigger apartment) in order to fund private school. A lot of our neighbors make different choices. Private school isn't any less valid a choice than their choice to live in a bigger house in lieu of private school.

People make different choices on how they live their lives and spend their earnings. I wouldn't worry too much what they think...you're doing what you think is best for your child and family.

[GuildJenn]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move

We opted for a very cool private alternative school for our kids this year and it's working out great for them.

But I feel weird about other people (mainly our neighbors and my DH's co-workers) knowing how much we are paying for our kids' educations. Since everyone knows where the kids go to school and the info is right on the web site, I feel ..... like I want more privacy. I'm the only SAHM in the neighborhood and just feel..... weird.

It would _never_ occur to me anyway to go check on anything like that. If your neighbours are, they need a bit more to do!

[Drummer's Wife]

Don't feel weird about it; I'm sure your DH has co-workers and neighbors who drive $60k vehicles or who vacation several times a year.

I'm really doubting that many people will hear you chose that private school and go online to see how much you pay in tuition (unless they are looking into for their own kid).

Plus, I'm sure you know people who spend the same amount on daycare - but then possibly opt for public school as their kids gets older. If you were a SAHM when your kids were smaller, you likely didn't judge others for spending high amounts for the care of their kids, yk?

[Hoopin' Mama]

Don't feel weird about it and remind yourself that how you choose to spend your money is nobody else's business.

If they want to perceive you as elitist or whatever, well, then, that is their problem.

[Qbear'smama]

We've sacrificed things to send DD to private school and there have been comments from co-workers and friends about the cost (same thing, public knowledge, we don't tell ppl) or about how our daughter "needs to get out in the real world with real kids" like she's so sheltered and the kids in her school are fake or something. I sometimes feel like people think we're idiots for paying for something they get for free, but we feel strongly that we're doing what we feel is best for our kid. I wouldn't be surprised if people we know accessed the website to see the cost of tuition, just out of curiosity. I agree that everyone decides how to spend their money, other ppl have bigger houses and better cars that we do, we just choose to do something different with our money. I believe in what I am doing, I don't feel weird, but I think other people think we are. But then, if they knew about certain other parenting choices we've made (no vaxing being a biggie), they'd think we're weird about that too, so whatever.

[AndrewsMother]

They will either think that you are crazy to spend that much or willing to pay more for your child education. Either way, who cares?

I have received a myriad of comments, some negative, but most people think that it is nice that my son is receiving a different type of education.

Someone told me that they would not financially invest in their child's education. Instead of being offended, I felt sorry for them.

and for clarification, it was said in a way that they would rather spend their money on shoes and clothes, not that they could not afford the expenditure.

[bluebunny]

We send our oldest two to Montessori, which is rather pricey (for us!). Most of our neighbors send their children to the local public school, which is within walking distance of our neighborhood. I have felt very weird when neighbors ask why our kindergardner is not attending the local public school. I feel that I have to justify our choice without making me sound elitist for choosing private over public or putting down their choice. It is a fine line to walk.

I have a feeling, though, that I am more sensitive to it than they are.

[railyuh]

Honestly, I think if people are going to think that they'll think it as soon as they hear private school. They don't have to know how much it costs to know that private school is expensive, kwim? I feel weird about it too because I never thought we would pay THIS much to send our kids to school, let alone pre-K (we intend to homeschool later on, never planned on doing any pre-K at all public or private). It is awkward when people ask about schools and where our DS will go, etc. I try to answer questions by saying something in particular about why we chose this particular school, not to make it about public vs. private but just that we really liked the xyz aspect of this school.

[velochic]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move

But I feel weird about other people (mainly our neighbors and my DH's co-workers) knowing how much we are paying for our kids' educations. Since everyone knows where the kids go to school and the info is right on the web site, I feel ..... like I want more privacy. I'm the only SAHM in the neighborhood and just feel..... weird.

I doubt that neighbors and co-workers are giving it much thought at all. They probably don't know what you pay and don't really care. This is an issue you are creating for yourself, probably because of your own preconceptions about private school. Nobody I know really cares about us sending dd to private school. We're still the same people... private school doesn't change who you are. Most people recognize that.

[Linda on the move]

I'm finding all the comments helpful in figuring out how I feel. "Weird" is pretty vague.

My DH makes a very nice living, more money than most people. I feel very fortunate to have the money to provide this cool opportunity for our children. I like to keep our finances very private. Partly because spending money in a showy way just feels icky to me, and partly because I feel safer that way.

Originally Posted by CatsCradle

We just feel that, given our circumstances in this huge city, we are making the best educational choice for our child and are fortunate to be able to make that choice.

The public schools where we currently live are overcrowded and underfunded. There are some charter schools, but most have long waiting list. I feel very fortunate to be able to write a check and have my kids in a wonderful school.

And what I see around me isn't that others have different priorities, such has flashy cars or trips to Europe, just that we have more money.

Originally Posted by Drummer's Wife

I'm really doubting that many people will hear you chose that private school and go online to see how much you pay in tuition (unless they are looking into for their own kid).

My extended family is pretty toxic and would totally go check to see how much we are paying, so I guess I expect that behavior in other places. I MUST remind myself that not everyone is like my family of orgin!

If you were a SAHM when your kids were smaller, you likely didn't judge others for spending high amounts for the care of their kids, yk?

not at all, but the fact that we can afford this on one salary just highlights how much my DH makes.

Originally Posted by Qbear'smama

I believe in what I am doing, I don't feel weird, but I think other people think we are. But then, if they knew about certain other parenting choices we've made (no vaxing being a biggie), they'd think we're weird about that too, so whatever.

Originally Posted by velochic

This is an issue you are creating for yourself, probably because of your own preconceptions about private school.

I know! The whole problem exist entirely in my own head!

[Tapioca]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move

The public schools where we currently live are overcrowded and underfunded. There are some charter schools, but most have long waiting list. I feel very fortunate to be able to write a check and have my kids in a wonderful school.

And what I see around me isn't that others have different priorities, such has flashy cars or trips to Europe, just that we have more money.

I wonder if this is the issue. I wonder if there's a bit of guilt there, even if it's unnecessary, because, hey, you're not the one underfunding public schools. Would donating some money to some of the local schools help with this feeling? Just an idea.

[Lisa1970]

Forget feeling weird about it. If they live in the same neighborhood, chances are, they can afford it just as well as you can, just chose not to. For example, the people who comment to me about how rich I must be to not "have to" work and how they "have to" usually are the people with more expensive clothes, more expensive vacations, and more expensive cars. It is simply about priority. So stop worrying.

[Emmeline II]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move

I'm finding all the comments helpful in figuring out how I feel. "Weird" is pretty vague.

My DH makes a very nice living, more money than most people. I feel very fortunate to have the money to provide this cool opportunity for our children. I like to keep our finances very private. Partly because spending money in a showy way just feels icky to me, and partly because I feel safer that way.

Don't put the private school window clings in your car window and accept feeling weird as your burden to bear in order to give your children the education you want to provide for them .

[Adaline'sMama]

Well, I know Im the odd man out on this one, but I think there is probably a little bit of truth to OP's fear that people are judging her about choosing private school. My kid is no where near old enough to go to school and Ive never looked our local private school up, but I know how much it costs because Ive heard people gossip like "oh, well she wouldnt buy girl scout cookies from my daughter, but she can afford to pay $14,000 a year for her kid to go to St. Barnabus". I always try to say, "well, maybe they have a scholarship." Some people are just catty.

I think a lot of people get defensive about it, because they think private school moms think that public school isnt "good enough" for their child, therefore making the public school family think that you think that their kid isnt as "good" as your kid.

I run a little general store, so I hear all kinds of things. These comments are not my opinion about it at all. I think youve made a great choice by investing in your child's education, and its none of anyones business how much you choose to spend. Its your money, your kid, your desicion. Dont feel bad about it.

[zinemama]

Originally Posted by velochic

I doubt that neighbors and co-workers are giving it much thought at all. They probably don't know what you pay and don't really care. This is an issue you are creating for yourself, probably because of your own preconceptions about private school. Nobody I know really cares about us sending dd to private school. We're still the same people... private school doesn't change who you are. Most people recognize that.

I agree. You are probably giving this far more thought than anyone else is.

If I found out that a neighbor was sending kids to private school I might think, "Huh. Guess they're doing pretty well." Particularly if they lived in a pretty low-key way otherwise. But that would be the last of it. I certainly wouldn't give it any more thought.

[Emmeline II]

Originally Posted by Adaline'sMama

Well, I know Im the odd man out on this one, but I think there is probably a little bit of truth to OP's fear that people are judging her about choosing private school.

I don't thing anyone is saying it doesn't happen ever but the OP seems to be assuming; she hasn't actually heard people say thing about herself or others.

Even if people are curious to the extent that they look up the tuition it doesn't mean they are judging her .

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by Tapioca

I wonder if there's a bit of guilt there, even if it's unnecessary, because, hey, you're not the one underfunding public schools.

I don't know. May be it is a feeling of guilt, or at least a feeling that it isn't fair.

Would donating some money to some of the local schools help with this feeling? Just an idea.

no, because I don't have enough money to make a difference.

I do donate money to the field trip fund at the private school. For some families, just paying the tuition is a HUGE deal, so they really can't pay extra for their kids to go see plays and such.

Originally Posted by Emmeline II

Don't put the private school window clings in your car window and accept feeling weird as your burden to bear in order to give your children the education you want to provide for them .

I like that!

Originally Posted by zinemama

I agree. You are probably giving this far more thought than anyone else is.

I'm sure I am! But I want to stop it.

If I found out that a neighbor was sending kids to private school I might think, "Huh. Guess they're doing pretty well." Particularly if they lived in a pretty low-key way otherwise.

We live very low key.

I do feel very blessed financially. We have other struggles in life (one of my kids has special needs, we don't have extended family, etc) but money is something that is an issue for so many people and thankful, it is one thing that is easy for us. I'm really grateful to be able to give my children what I feel is best for them for right now.

[Geofizz]

Originally Posted by Adaline'sMama

I know how much it costs because Ive heard people gossip like "oh, well she wouldnt buy girl scout cookies from my daughter, but she can afford to pay $14,000 a year for her kid to go to St. Barnabus". I always try to say, "well, maybe they have a scholarship." Some people are just catty.

Uhhh, I often don't buy stuff from other people's kids because I'm choosing to spend my money (and often, calories) elsewhere. It might be my kids' educations, it might be my retirement. It might be my trip to the Bahamas. If someone doesn't buy girl scout cookies from my kid and they send theirs to private, I take it as, well, they didn't want to buy girl scout cookies from my kid.

Fact is, we all make different decisions on how to spend our money. Sometimes skimping on some things to pay for expenses elsewhere.

OP: I know how much all the private schools cost in this area. I've looked because we considered transferring out of public last year. I live in an area where no one would blink twice, though. That said, I also can tell you exactly when each school's financial aid deadline is.

[blizzard_babe]

Originally Posted by GuildJenn

It would _never_ occur to me anyway to go check on anything like that. If your neighbours are, they need a bit more to do!

This. I just can't imagine caring that much about anyone else's financial situation. I might look out of curiosity, if it sounded like a really cool program, to see how much it would set us back, but not in the "Oooooohhhhhh... you know how much the So-and-sos are paying for their kids to go to school there?!" sense.