DH wants me to CIO, disappointed and don't know how to feel...

[blimbrick]

My 1/2 week shy of 12 month old has been a crappy sleeper since he was 3 mos old and stoped sttn when I came back to work. Since then he has had 2 ear infections to go with about 3 or 4 diff colds, an eye infection, about 3 diff stomach viruses, H1N1, (yes he is breastfed, I blame the H1N1 for a weakened immune system? I'll be talking w/his doc @ 12 month appt), and he regresses in sleep with EVERY developmental spurt. I tried for 3 months to get him to sleep in his crib and almost put myself in the hosp from sleep deprivation. Finally we sidecarred his crib and he's been sleeping with us since and he STILL doesn't sleep well, even co-sleeping. It seems like it's very slowly getting better, before the current ear infection he was sleeping 3s and 2s (well, for about 4 or 5 days anyway and it was fantastic!) and every once in awhile he will roll over and finish going to sleep w/out nursing.
DH has mentioned CIO a few times but not for awhile until last night when he said it's my fault that I don't get sleep b/c I won't let him learn how to go to sleep on his own. Grr. So, that's why he doesn't give me any extra help (which I don't get much now anyway). I have tried but just can't make him understand why he shouldn't cry himself to sleep b/c all his buddies and the person he looks up to as his mom have all said we should CIO. I've even tried reading him research n stuff.
I'm mostly just venting b/c I obviously don't have anyone else to talk to about this. My lack of sleep and help has put a strain on our marriage and I really want things to work, but the fact that he would even want to let our lil guy cry just really breaks my heart and is extremely disappointing. I thought he was better than that

[Lilygoose]

Its so hard when they don't sleep. My DD (almost 2 now) was a horrible sleeper and the hoops my DH and I jumped through to get her and us some sleep were crazy. Somewhere around your DS age, not sure exactly when as I was so sleep deprived, she started sleeping through the night when we coslept together in the bed (just her and I), she takes up most of a queen sized bed, so my DH has been sleeping on the couch for a long time. It was bliss! I think I cried the first time. So maybe sleep is just around the corner for you. My DH never advocated CIO, but by nature does not tolerate the crying, middle of the night stuff very well and just gets grumpy, and starts yelling (in general, not at DD), which is not going to help her get back to sleep, so I did most of this as well (he does put her to bed every other night). His excuse was that he has to drive all day for work (delivery services). Hah! I drive almost as much as he does, and then go to school on top of working full time-who needs more sleep. Ultimately he just couldn't cope and I had to deal. It was HARD. Hugs to you. As to CIO it out working let me share my experience, which although not extensive is illustrative. When DD was about 8 months I just couldn't take it anymore. I was up every 20 minutes to an hour with her all night long, every single night for weeks. It may have been the very worst time in my life. She had a crib, whcih she had never consented to use. I decided I would try a modified CIO (crazy with lack of sleep). I went in every 15 minutes and try to soothe her, She wouldn't be soothed. We went through this for 8 hours for 2 nights in a row. She cried the entire time no matter what. I cried almost as much as she did. It was horrible and I am ashamed to have put her through this. I realized that I could continue to do this to her for many nights to come and it wouldn't matter-she would still cry (my DD is very willful, luckily she is good-natured as well) she wasn't going to budge. The cost was too high. Maybe over time she would have slept, I don't think based on her personality that is true, but perhaps. But what would I have done to her, to myself, to her trust in me as her mommy to possibly achieve that result? It just wasn't worth it to me. Those stories about kids who cry for 15 mnutes or so and then just fall asleep make it sound like such a small easy thing, but that was not my experience. It was heartwrenching, knots in my stomach, chest pounding guilt. And she did not sleep. She actually slept less. Ask your DH how he would feel if he was unhappy, alone, and frightened and those who cared about him most ignored his cries for help? What would that do to his trust in others and to his relationships with those he loved? I believe that when we leave our kids to cry alone this is what we are doing. If you were scared and alone and crying would he ignore you? Why is it okay to do with a baby, but not an adult?

[organicema]

I hear you.

It must be something in the air, because my partner started in on me about CIO this evening too. He won't do anything to help our son sleep except plop him in his crib. He actually said that when our son is 19 he won't be able to sleep because I coddle him. Now, our son is almost 2 years old still nursing. He nurses to sleep, and then I put him in the crib (I know, should this even be in this forum? we co-slept for a while, but after a while I really needed the better sleep I get without our son there -- and it is a pain to be solely responsible for all this, and I'd really like him to learn to sleep without the breast. But I think it's the closeness and the comfort he is after. And I'm the only one apparently who will provide him with that nighttime parenting. Unlike you, who are only disappointed, I'm angry and feel unsupported. It doesn't matter if I try to bring in other voices or whatever into our discussions; he tells me that they are all wrong. Grrr.

Am I nuts? I'm trying to find other ways to get our son to sleep, but CIO? Everything in me tells me this is wrong. My partner says this is because of my bad childhood and that I want to coddle our son. Grrr.

[DeerMother]

My (now ex) husband was pro-CIO and anti co-sleeping. I nursed ds to sleep, put him in his crib and when he woke in the night, I slept with him on a twin mattress on the floor in his room. I could not handle the crying when they were very small. Even now, my dc are 2.5, crying is hard for me. Tantrum crying I can handle, but distress... I feel like my job as their primary care giver is to keep them from experiencing distress as much as I can. I want to protect dc from feelings of panic, sadness, fear.

I only suggest alternative sleeping arrangements bc people seem to be quite passionate on both sides of this subject. Sometimes I would get ds back to sleep in the twin bed and return to mine.

In the op's case, I wonder if there might be an underlying illness keeping him awake? I did on occassion, give chammomile tea and or hylands teething tabs to encourage sleep. I also tried aromatherapy.

[blimbrick]

Lilygoose, that's the problem is that my hubby doesn't like crying in general, at all, but he is willing to let our little guy cry? It just doesn't make sense to me, and I think our guy would be the same way, he is very willful and I don't think he would even respond to CIO. He just gets LOUDER AND LOUDER because he does it in the car sometimes (he hates being in the car). Mine has some of the same excuse, he gets up anywhere between 3 and 4 AM and his normal work days are around 10 hrs., sometimes more. But, I also feed DS dinner, bathe him, get everything ready for the next day, get him up in the morning and ready to go to my mom's, in addition to working 8 hrs and a commute, trying to take care of our home, plan weekend trips, etc. So when do I get my breaks??? I don't. I really hope that something changes soon, I read about a lot of moms on here who have 2, 3 and 4 year olds who STILL don't sleep well, at that point I may have to shoot myself in the foot so I can get some R&R lol. Although, right before this ear infection he had slept 2s, 3s and a few 4 hour stretches for about 4 nights, then regressed back to waking every hour or so. But last night, with some ibuprof and he has been on antibiotics for a few days, he slept close to 5 hours, then 2 hours at a time I think. So maybe, JUST MAYBE, things are taking a turn for the better.

Organicema and Deer Mother:
I agree, we are to protect our babies from fear, panic and distress. Most renowned pediatricians, and a Harvard study (and I am sure many more) state that unnecessary crying in infants and babies releases cortisol into the bloodstream which is not healthy, increases blood pressure, heart rate and breathing, yada yada yada. One pediatrician (I believe it was Jay Gordon) even says that he believes that CIO changes a baby's personality, at least a little, in every child who experiences it. Organicema, I too am frustrated and feel unsupported, I think I just feel better because he doesn't bring it up a lot thank goodness. But it doesn't matter what the experts say, he thinks that he is right and it's the only way for him to learn to go to sleep on his own. 19 years old and not sleeping LMAO that's funny!!! I get no help in the nighttime routine at all either, except hubby gets him dressed into his pjs after his bath. I look forwared to the days, hopefully in the next year, that he can share some of the responsibility.
I don't want to push DS into anything that he is not developmentally ready for. I don't think there is anything underlying, although I will talk to his pediatrician about his almost constant sicknesses, but his pediatrician also advocates crying in the crib too. Guess maybe I should look for another, but how do I find one that is a co-sleeping advocate?
I think it is perfectly natural for moms to react to our baby's crying, even when they are toddlers. Research also supports that babies whose cries are answered quickly are more independent, confident, and have more successful relationships when they are older.

I guess we just have to hash it out until they are older, this too shall pass, right? It's getting there that is the killer and the headache-maker, and sometimes the realtionship-harmer!!

[Lilygoose]

Is there any way you can get your DH to pick up some of the other stuff with your child? I mean he is a parent too, and it sounds like you are carrying almost all of the responsibility. I found that if I couldn't get the thing I really needed, such as more sleep, was at least somewhat offset by DH doing other things. I think before she started sleeping well my hubby was the person who put her to bed and stayed with her for the first part of the night. She generally slept for most of this pretty consistently (it was usually around 11 or midnight when she would start constantly waking) so he got to sleep too, and I had some free time to sleep or get on the computer, or do homework, etc. Although it didn't really increase the amount of sleep I got most nights (i usually did homework or read or got on the internet) just having the time to myself was helpful and saved at least a bit of my sanity. And it alllowed my hubby to sleep as all my DD needed was a warm body next to her (she wouldn't sleep without someone there). Or if this wouldn't work could he take over bath or getting ready for bed?