Touchy-feely neighbor kids

[WindyCityMom]

The next time I see these kids, I am going to say something- I am just not sure what.

We live in Chicago, and our houses sit less than 3 feet away from eachother. Yes, I can stick my arm out my window and touch their house

Our neighbors on the right side have two girls. My guess is that one is 11, and the other one is 7 (I know this for a fact). They are very... touchy... with my DDs. My family (excpetion of my DH) thinks it's cultural but I think it's creepy and my mama bear jumps out a little and I need to put a stop to this. I'm not comfortable with it.

The 11yo has sort of backed off, but here are some examples.

Ex1: I am walking out of the house to the car (parked in front) and holding my 8 month old. Said 11yo comes down from her porch and starts kissing all.over.my.daughter. I have already asked her to stop doing this. It makes me very uneasy, for some reason.

Ex2: I am taking my 2y8m old out in front to ride her bike. I lay a blanket out on our porch and put the baby on it (I sit with her) while my 2yo rides her bike in front of the house (or digs in the dirt, hehe). The 7yo always asks to hold the baby, sometimes just grabs her out of my hands it seems. I allowed her to do it once and now she feels like she has free reign over my kids. I just don't know what to say.. she's the type that asks "why" and I'm not sure if I could respond very well.

Their parents are also sitting on the porch watching them 90% of the time.

The 7yo has also said some odd things to me that I find a bit unsettling.
Ex: "I want M (my 8mo) to be my baby sister for my mom and dad to have and take her home with me..." She then went into detail about how my DD would become her sister. Strange.

I just can't take them hugging and kissing on my kids, which is the bigger problem here, I believe. I just don't know what to say when they don't listen! Their parents are there, they mostly speak Spanish and though I'm not fluent in spanish, I'm sure I could get the point accross, though I'm sure it would sound very rude

We have another neighbor, on the other side of us (mainstream people but very nice) and they have two daughters (5 and 7, I think). His daughter once kissed my 8mo and the dad said "B, we don't kiss babies unless we ask their parents if it's okay." and the mom once asked her other daughter to not touch my DDs hands, "Because babies put their hands in their mouthes alot and your hands aren't very clean". I like how they handled the situation- I just wish the other ones would do the same

So what exactly do I say? Especially w/ the parents right there!

[mamazee]

The 7yo has also said some odd things to me that I find a bit unsettling.
Ex: "I want M (my 8mo) to be my baby sister for my mom and dad to have and take her home with me..." She then went into detail about how my DD would become her sister. Strange.

This isn't really strange at all. She wishes she had a baby sister and is expressing it through imagining that, which is normal for the age. It certainly doesn't mean she's going to steal your baby or anything.

Really, I think it's all pretty normal. People loving touching and kissing babies. It's reasonable for you to create boudaries if that's important to you, but I think they're two versions of OK, not an OK and a Not OK. But since you're the baby's parent, you get to choose what you want to happen with your baby, so I would just gently express what boundaries you have.

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

Since you are trying very hard to get out of that house, the cold weather is just around the corner (meaning less contact with the neighbor kids) and your already on flimsy ground with your MIL, I wouldn'y say a DARN THING. Just keep it to yourself, keep an extra close eye on your LOs while the neighbor kids are around, and laugh about it someday when you are all living in your own humble abode with new neighbors and no toxic MIL that the neighbors would more then likely complain to, and then you would have yet ANOTHER fight on your hands.

[NellieKatz]

My son is very touchy-feely and it makes me crazy! He is that way with us (his parents), other kids, other grownups. He touches when he's happy, he pats & tousles when he's friendly, he grabs when he's mad, he sits on you when you're talking or looking at something with him on the TV or computer. Touch touch touch. (Conversely, don't DARE try it with him. He HATES that.) I think it's sort of an Sensory Processing thing. I am the other way....too much touching makes me nuts and I think that the more WE back off the more he "pursues." Not sure what to do; it's how he's made, and no matter what we say it's been hard for him to control that impulse.

So if it were my kid and he was touching yours too much, I would LOVE it if you said something to him. He needs to feel the "social price" of doing that himself, rather than hearing it ("bla bla bla stop touching bla bla bla") from me & DH. :-)

[Thalia the Muse]

I think a lot of kids are like this with babies. They're cute, and they seem kind of doll-like.

I don't find it creepy at all -- I think the impulse is pretty sweet, actually -- but it's fine to say "Neighbor kid, don't kiss or grab the baby." When she says "Why," just repeat "I don't want you to do that, and if you can't remember the rules you'll have to go home," you don't owe anyone an answer. If you want to give an answer, there are lots of totally legitimate ones that she can understand -- I'm trying to get her to sleep, I worry about germs, It makes me nervous when you grab at her because she could fall.

[happysmileylady]

I used to work in a portrait studio, which was always full of little kids of all ages and cultures. And to me, what you are describing sounds totally normal, something I saw every day at work. Kids just love babies.

I would suggest just setting a few boundries in regards to your own kids and gently letting the other know. When the 11 yr old comes up and tries to kiss all over the baby, just tell her that you would rather she not do that. If you feel it necessary, tell her the baby is sick or something. If you don't want the younger one to hold the baby, just say that. I would bet the parents are just watching because they are figuring that if it bothered you, you would say something to the kids.

[Alyantavid]

It doesn't seem that strange to me. My kids love babies, just love them. They love holding babies and talking to them, playing with them. I don't know that I've ever seen them kiss someone's baby though. But they do ask first (they ask me and the parent) before holding them.

Both my boys also want a baby sister and always talk about how they wish they had a baby at their house.

If it makes you uncomfortable, say something.

[limabean]

None of that seems over the top to me. It's fine for you to set the boundaries you're comfortable with though. Just say stuff like, "No, you can't hold the baby." If she asks why smile and say, "Because I'm her mommy and I make the rules." When they kiss say, "No kisses please. You can tickle her toes [or whatever you're comfortable with] if you want to say hi to her."

In other words, it's no big deal to just tell them no and give them directions for what they can do instead, but I don't see any reason to be upset with them for anything they've done so far.

[Anastasiya]

I also agree that nothing seems creepy or weird to me. They sound like they adore your daughter.

I have a few hispanic friends and they too, even as adults, are all over the babies. Maybe it is cultural, like you thought?

Anyway, none of it would worry me or freak me out, though I wouldn't be happy with it either because I don't like people in my personal space. I might just tell the girls no more kissing Baby because we don't want Baby to get sick.

[WindyCityMom]

Thanks the kissing just creeps me out because it's not a few kisses. They're seriously smooching all over my DD while I'm holding her, and it's hard for me to walk to the car. I feel like we're getting attacked by a swarm of mosquitos and can't move.

DHs family is hispanic and has lots of kids and though they do hold high interest in my kids... they just don't act like these girls do.

These kids did get a little lesson when they wouldn't quit kissing all over my SICK baby with their parents watching (I'm talking pink eye and bad cold sick) and they caught both viruses.

But I just feel like I need to set some boundaries. They used to touch my 2yo all the time until she finally got fed up and yelled at them. Now they don't hang out with her as much.

[Tway]

Where we live, people do the two-cheek kiss and a big hug whenever we meet. I mean, sometimes it takes me a half hour to do the tour of the room, with all the touchy-feely greeting going on. But it's what I'm used to, and it's how I recognize and give affection to the people who mean a lot to me.

DH's family, however, comes from a place where people won't even shake hands. I've rarely seen anyone touch someone else--not a hand on the shoulder, a hug, a friendly punch on the arm, nothing. Visiting them always makes me feel kind of rejected, even though I know fully well that it's just the way they are.

So my vote is that it's a cultural thing. Especially with kids, who only know what they're brought up with. As an adult, I know not to hug DH's Mom when I see her, but I suspect DD will hug and kiss DH's family until she's much older, because she lives in a place where that's the norm.

Hope that helps!

[childsplay]

Could you demonstrate blowing kisses at the baby to them?

Or have them make up a song for the baby?

Or give them a little job to do for the baby? (like pick her a flower, draw her a picture, tuck the blanket around her etc...)

My DD was like this for a while with my daycare babies. It drove me nuts. I know she just wanted attention but she was just always on these babies. The blowing kisses thing worked like magic!

[junipermoon]

Yes, I think something about your culture and the way you were socialized in your culture of origin makes you uncomfortable with the nature of your neighbors' affections towards your babies.

It's ok to set boundaries that you are comfortable with. I'd avoid using words like creepy because it crosses a line in my thinking into being a little offensive.

If you were reading on MDC and your neighbor wrote a post about how you didn't want your babies loved up by her kids and said you "seemed sterile and creepy" or something like that, it might hurt your feelings?

It is totally acceptable in some cultures to have fairly distinct boundaries re: personal space, and it might be unproductive to call that creepy, even if it felt that way to the mama of the girls next door--I think the same goes in both directions?

I do understand--when I was in the rural midwest at one point and a few people (strangers from down-home type backgrounds) were picking up my baby to cuddle him, without asking permission, I almost fell over I was so shocked. Where I was from, that was totally a no-no. Cultures (and the particular sub-cultures of our larger cultural landscapes) really do shape us in profound ways--so what feels natural and good to one person can feel the opposite to another.

[Snapdragon]

That would make me very uncomfortable too. the bottom line is that these girls' boundaries are different than yours. And their behavior isn't inherently wrong, and may not feel wrong to some-
but it makes you uncomfortable, (so a boundary of respect from them to you is being crossed.) as it would for me too. So I think it is good that you tell them no and tell them to stop, you are protecting your children.
I think you should go a few more times with firmly telling the girls to not do that- and maybe offer an explanation if you can come up with one that is kind of gentle. and then if they don't stop, talk to the parents. IT is an uncomfortable situation because you may just have to be rude to some degree to counter their rudeness!

[WindyCityMom]

Thanks again

Juniper- Thanks When I was saying creepy, it was moreso a reflection of how I feel, basically a little creeped/weirded out about it. People crossing social boundaries like that do tend to give that type of reaction... but anyways, I am sorry if anyone was offended.

[PoppyMama]

I don't personally see the problem and would be ok with other kids acting that way with my youngest...we certainly act that way. I am not that touchy-feely with kids I'm not very familiar with but I probably was at that age. Since it's a part of who they are I hope you will be gentle and not show that you're creeped out.

[Pavlovs]

Originally Posted by WindyCityMom

Ex1: I am walking out of the house to the car (parked in front) and holding my 8 month old. Said 11yo comes down from her porch and starts kissing all.over.my.daughter. I have already asked her to stop doing this. It makes me very uneasy, for some reason.

It would make me uneasy because it would be invading my personal space, not just my baby's. Ewww, I don't like it when anyone gets their face that close to me without my consent.

Originally Posted by WindyCityMom

Ex2: I am taking my 2y8m old out in front to ride her bike. I lay a blanket out on our porch and put the baby on it (I sit with her) while my 2yo rides her bike in front of the house (or digs in the dirt, hehe). The 7yo always asks to hold the baby, sometimes just grabs her out of my hands it seems. I allowed her to do it once and now she feels like she has free reign over my kids. I just don't know what to say.. she's the type that asks "why" and I'm not sure if I could respond very well.

I've said before to a child who had little concept of my baby's boundaries that no, she cannot hold my baby and when she asked "why" in an annoying infantile voice I responded that my baby is not a toy or a doll, that's why and turned away to end the conversation. No more discussion was entertained on that matter.

[St. Margaret]

It would annoy me if a neighbor kid came up and kissed and kissed and kissed a baby I was holding and trying to get in the car. I agree, there are cultural differences with personal space and attention/lovin' on kids (I like how some people around here, almost exclusively of one apparent group, are so into babies!), but it's respectful to acknowledge someone's desires for personal space. Not that we should always demand space, but if this happened the majority of the time, it would be draining for me, personally. Hopefully a few firm comments can reduce this. Kids are enthusiastic and oblivious, though!

[JBaxter]

Flu season is upon us... We are not going to kiss the baby ANYMORE it spreads germs and we dont want her to get sick.. The new rule is only touch her feet and only when you ask first.

If they start to go for the face kiss simply say Whats the rule because of germs?

[junipermoon]

Originally Posted by JBaxter

We are not going to kiss the baby ANYMORE it spreads germs and we dont want her to get sick.. The new rule is only touch her feet and only when you ask first.

That is a great idea. I was thinking, ugh, what could you say without being rude!? But phrasing it just like this sounds perfect. And you could say "flu season" or at least "the flu is going around" any time of year and probably no one would argue that with you either...

And windycitymom, sorry--the word "offensive" was probably too strong. totally wasn't offensive to me personally--I just was trying to see it from the other side of the picture. hope I didn't offend you .