Touchy-feely neighbor kids - Page 2

[WindyCityMom]

nope, none taken junipermoon!

I like the "only touch the feet" idea.

But with the flu season talk comes the talk of vaxxes... ohh man. Ya can never win, right?

[hildare]

Originally Posted by WindyCityMom

These kids did get a little lesson when they wouldn't quit kissing all over my SICK baby with their parents watching (I'm talking pink eye and bad cold sick) and they caught both viruses.

I mean this gently.. but, would it have been a better idea to set boundaries at that point in time? as in, please don't kiss the baby, neighbor child. the baby is sick and has germs. no kissing or touching, please.
honestly, you are the grown up. if you knew your child had pink eye, i am confused about why you allowed the kissing to take place?

also, the neighbor children seem to exhibit pretty normal behavior. some kids are 'baby crazy' and i understand that their petting of the baby seems excessive. it is! you have to tell them no.

[gcgirl]

Part of this is most likely cultural; I have to agree on that with many of the PPs. It reminds me of something that happens to me all the time at Trader Joe's (for some reason, it's always TJ's)...a few times now we've run into older grandmothers with accents I can't quite place (Greek? Hungarian? Serbian?) who are all up in our business, pinching the kids' cheeks and giving advice on what to buy and talking to the kids about anything and everything...and it's kind of annoying, but I'm the type to just sit back and let it run its course.

It's kind of sweet, really. I've also definitely had the experience of kids getting physical with DS2 (5 months). Kids and grandmothers, man.

[karanyavel]

I'm thinking it's cultural. When I was 3 y/o, my family went on a trip and did a bit of shopping in Mexico. She turned around -- I was sitting in the cart -- to pick up something off of a shelf and when she turned back, I was sitting there wide-eyed and said (LOUDLY), "Mommy, that woman KISSED me!!"

(I wasn't upset or anything. I was just LOUD at that age -- everything from "Monster gave me a candy bar!!!" on Halloween to "Mommy, look, those are the panty pads we saw on TV!!" when we were in the feminine hygiene section.)

I live in an area that is 92% Hispanic now and when my daughter was younger (from baby to toddler) she used to attract tons of attention whenever we went to the store.. lots of top-of-the-head kisses, touches, etc. Mostly from adults, as she wasn't really in reach of little kids. It never bothered me (or her) but it does sound like the kids you're dealing with are getting carried away and I can see how that could get annoying fast.

--K

[jecombs]

My DD and infant DS are in daycare. The preschoolers in DD's class are fascinated with my DS. I set boundaries early and often with them. We don't kiss the baby, that spreads germs. If a kids kisses him anyway, then I remind them of the rule. So far, so good, for us! They are allowed to touch DS's feet, but not his face or hands. I tell them they have big kid germs, and DS just isn't ready for that yet!

[One_Girl]

I don't think it is creepy or wierd for a seven year old to have a deep fascination with babies and a desire for a cute baby sister. I think that with your oldest child being 2 you may be overestimating the maturity level of seven year olds and their ability to understand social norms. Maybe this has more to do with where I live, but when I had my dd a lot of people stopped me to talk about how cute she was and look at her. Many people we knew just casually wanted to hold her and they were adults. Seven year olds, and even 11 year olds, are closer to two year olds in years and in self control than they are to adults, keeping that in mind may help you remember that they are acting like kids and that liking babies isn't out of the realm of normal for anyone of any age. Boundaries are good to put up, I did when strangers asked to hold my dd and didn't feel an instant of guilt with that. Decide what yours are and implement them, but try to stay away from accusing children of being creepy and weird. That is just offensive and in only a few short years you will have first hand knowledge of how childish they still are. You will definitely eat a lot of your words then if you are even half as judgmental as I was when my dd was your oldest dd's age.

[WindyCityMom]

As I said, One_Girl, I am sorry for using the words I have and didn't mean to offend anyone. That has already been addressed in this thread.

The thing is, I DO say stop. I DID say stop when my kids were sick and they were all up in their faces. Their parents are RIGHT THERE. I am walking out the door to the car and am SWARMED. I almost have to stop for a second to get my footing, and to ask them to stop, or to stop and unlock the car (remote doesn't work so I have to punch in the code). OR my 2yo stands next to me on the curb side while I buckle baby in... things like that. I HAVE told them to stop.

Today they kept coming inside my front gate. repeatedly (!!!) after I told them that they need to ask if it's okay to come inside. We have very small front yards in our neighborhood and in ours there is barely breathing room. If you're not sitting on the porch, there's just no room for more than two or three people. I was sitting on the porch getting my DD some fresh air (who was throwing up today). I mentioned this to them! They just do not do not do not listen. Their parents were right there. Finally the mom asked her younger DD to go back over to her own house. She listened, and I'm happy about that.

My DH & I had a discussion about this. I'm not sure why their parents aren't teaching their children boundaries. Sure, people have different cultures, and we need to respect that. But shouldn't people of other cultures respect that there ARE other cultures and that those other cultures don't necessarily have the same guidelines for what is okay and what is not okay?

Really. I am just getting sick of not being able to go outside without being swarmed. I am sick of not being able to have a little alone time with my children and sit under a tree in front etc. Our backyard is just a disaster- power tools and scrap wood and such everywhere, thanks to DHs grandfather who is our resident "handyman".

It's just very difficult. For those who don't think it is, just imagine trying to get out of your small less than 500sqft nearly one room basement apartment with little sunlight, only to go out and have one or two children seriously weighing you down and walking in front of you (essentially "under your feet") and you can't move. You can't get a breath of fresh air, you can't relax. And the children's parents rarely let out a peep about the child's behavior- even though they are RIGHT THERE sitting on their own porch. It is very taxing. My 2 year old asks permission to go into other people's yards, she asks me first, and then goes and asks whoever's yard it is. Even if it's a child (she doesn't get the adult being the authority figure yet, but still). I'm just baffled at their parents for the most part.

I just don't know. I really wish I wouldn't be criticized as much as I am in this thread.. I really need to know HOW to address this issue with them. Asking them to stop hasn't worked.

[One_Girl]

Originally Posted by WindyCityMom

As I said, One_Girl, I am sorry for using the words I have and didn't mean to offend anyone. That has already been addressed in this thread.

I only read your initial post not the whole thread. I am glad you changed your mind about those words. I think that some of the reason people are focusing on them is that they are very harsh words to use for describing children and when we see someone being harsh on a gd board many of us try to give an alternate perspective (not to criticize but to give you advice about more respectful ways of viewing children even when they are ticking you off), plus they are still in your initial post which is what many people read when posting replies quickly while taking care of children who are still awake. I am sorry you felt criticized.

There are some free English to Spanish on line translation tools you can google and use to translate a letter from English to Spanish. A letter asking them to make sure their kids stay out of your yard because it isn't safe and away from your children while you are outside for now may work. You could also write a letter to say that because their kids are so much older than yours you don't think it is right for them to play together and ask that they keep them in their yard.

[WindyCityMom]

Thanks One_Girl. I understand now- I put a note in my original post about that now.

Leaving notes to people about touchy subjects has always made me feel so awkward (same goes with e-mail). DHs grandma is very friendly with these people, as is MIL (we all live in the same building).

I do speak Spanish- just not perfect. Almost fluent, but not quite. I can speak it better than I can understand it. I'm not prepared for a big discussion (or argument) in Spanish, but I'm sure I can write a letter if I needed to.

Still- I'm not sure that's the right way to go, at least for now. I feel like there must be something else, but I'm not sure what I can really do to help the situation.

DHs family is Mexican and we have lots of female family members these girls' age- none are this touchy with our kids or any babies that we've seen them interact with. DH has family members that kiss you on the cheek with each visit- hello & goodbye. I don't mind that really. In this situation the complete lack of consideration that they (the parents, mostly) have is really getting to me.

[hildare]

Originally Posted by WindyCityMom

Really. I am just getting sick of not being able to go outside without being swarmed. I am sick of not being able to have a little alone time with my children and sit under a tree in front etc. Our backyard is just a disaster- power tools and scrap wood and such everywhere, thanks to DHs grandfather who is our resident "handyman".

I just don't know. I really wish I wouldn't be criticized as much as I am in this thread.. I really need to know HOW to address this issue with them. Asking them to stop hasn't worked.

I totally agree that you are perfectly correct that you should not have to associate with anyone at any time! You have the right to be left alone.
First thing I would do would be to get grandpa to put a latch on the gate, or put up a gate that the children cannot access your yard without assistance or permission.
It's also obvious that they are not listening to your words. That may be the age of the children or the fact that you cannot or have not enforced what you say. It totally sucks that you would have to go inside your own house when you'd rather be outside just to avoid the contact.
Could you take your child on a walk to get away instead? Say no, very firmly, then remove your child from the situation.
I don't know if this makes me an avoider of confrontation but really, if it were me, I'd fix that fence/gate.
and.. would a sling/ergo or something help? get that baby high up out of their reach? Your babe's about a month younger than mine and my dd is heavy as heck but she still likes to be worn. It keeps her out of trouble at least some of the time...

[shanniesue2]

if you speak spanish, then my suggestion is the next time this happens and the girls don't stop when you tell them to... look at the parents and say, "will you please ask them to stop. And will you tell them to ask for permission before rushing up and kissing my LO?" There doesn't have to be a discussion about it. You don't have to explain anything. Just politely ask the parents to step in with guidance about how you want them to greet your LOs.

[2xy]

Lots of good feedback and suggestions here.

I want to add that just because two people are Hispanic, doesn't mean they're of the same culture. I work with Brazilians, Mexicans, Guatemalans, and Dominicans. They all differ a bit, culturally.

Secondly, maybe the girls' parents tried to have more children and were not able. Could be why they fawn over the baby and express wishes to take her home as a sister.

[Hoopin' Mama]

Tell them the rules and nicely tell them if they can't follow them they should go back to their own yard.

Preschool has rule of no kissing because of germ-spreading. Seems reasonalbe enough to have it in your own home.

[WindyCityMom]

Thank you again PPs Boundaries are still being crossed... today these kids were in our front yard LOOKING IN OUR FRONT WINDOW!!! What in the world is this about? Seriously! DH told them to get out of our yard because they shouldn't be in there and that it wasn't nice to look in other peoples windows. They were running in between our two windows peeking in. We're in a basement apartment and our two windows are along the gangway (unless you live in a city you might now know what a gangway is.. it's the little sidewalk between people's houses).

Ugh.

I do wear baby in an ergo when we're going out and staying out, but if it's just out to the car it's too much of a hassle. Baby also wants to get down the moment I stop walking, I guess she gets bored. I'm short and this doesn't provide much protection against the kids.

About the latch on the gate- we HAVE one. We also have a lock but we don't have keys to it- and even so you could just reach your hand around and unlock it.

The younger girl has followed people on their walks and to the store before- including me, once. She does it to my nextdoor neighbors all.the.time, even when I have seen them express their wishes for her to stay home. She just says "well let me ask my mom". Her mom says yes.

[kathymuggle]

How about discussing personal bubbles? Many kids get this. Tell them everyone has a personal bubble - and if people get in yours without permission it makes you uncomfortable. Explain the size of your bubble.

As per swarming you when you come outside - i would literally stop moving and say "bubble!" kindly but firmly until they move. I would also point out that it is really important not to grab onto people when they are walking or everyone could fall and people (including the baby) could get hurt.

I do feel for you. It is clear their parents are not going to set boundaries with them in this area so the job does fall to you. Do it firmly but kindly and it should all be good.

PS - one more thing - do you have curtains? It might give you more privacy - and the kids may be less inclined to come in your yard if they cannot peak in you window.

[scottishmommy]

Originally Posted by kathymuggle

How about discussing personal bubbles? Many kids get this. Tell them everyone has a personal bubble - and if people get in yours without permission it makes you uncomfortable. Explain the size of your bubble.

As per swarming you when you come outside - i would literally stop moving and say "bubble!" kindly but firmly until they move. I would also point out that it is really important not to grab onto people when they are walking or everyone could fall and people (including the baby) could get hurt.

I do feel for you. It is clear their parents are not going to set boundaries with them in this area so the job does fall to you. Do it firmly but kindly and it should all be good.
PS - one more thing - do you have curtains? It might give you more privacy- and the kids may be less inclined to come in your yard if they cannot peak in you window.

I second the bubble idea. I teach voice lessons and I have a few kids who have no boundaries. I tell them that I have a personal bubble that they can't invade. One kid said "geesh your bubble is big" I was like "yep, it is" also don't be afraid to be very honest with these kids. You can tell them they are being rude by not respecting your personal space. I also live in a very Hispanic neighborhood, and I've never had this sort of problem. Sure, Latin cultures are a little more physically affectionate than others, but it seems like these kids are just plain oblivious!

[ginadc]

The thing is, I DO say stop. I DID say stop when my kids were sick and they were all up in their faces. Their parents are RIGHT THERE. I am walking out the door to the car and am SWARMED.

Yeah, this is really where the parents should be stepping in. You've mentioned that they speak Spanish, but I'm not clear on how good their English is--in any case, however, I'm sure your discomfort at this behavior must be pretty obvious, and since your homes are so close together, it's hard for me to imagine they couldn't hear and understand if you were using words like "No" and "Stop."

My ODD's friends at preschool are baby-crazy, one in particular, whose mother, only half in jest, calls her the "baby stalker." The second I arrive on the playground with my YDD, who's now 3 months, I am surrounded by kids who want to touch baby Katia. We've told them from the minute the baby was born that they may only touch her feet, and only after washing hands. They are pretty good about respecting those boundaries (and wow, are they more enthusiastic about hand-washing than ever before!), but I still have to repeat myself with them a few times when little hands sneak out and try to go for the head or the fingers.

That said, I think it's a lot easier because both the teachers and the kids' parents, when they're also around (at pick-up or dropoff, which is when this usually happens), reinforce the rules. "Baby Stalker's" mom is particularly vigilant about reminding her DD that we only touch the baby's feet and that we need to give the baby space. If it were just me trying to fend off all these baby-mad kids without support from other adults in authority, I think it'd be a lot harder.

Which brings me to...if you want this to stop, you've got to talk to the parents. They clearly aren't going to do anything about it without being asked, because they've seen it happening, they've seen you saying no, and they haven't stepped in. And the kids clearly aren't listening to you when you ask them to stop. So, if you can express yourself in Spanish well enough to be understood by them, then I think that's probably what you're going to have to do, along with stepping up the degree of firmness with which you talk to the girls.

[limabean]

Originally Posted by WindyCityMom

About the latch on the gate- we HAVE one. We also have a lock but we don't have keys to it- and even so you could just reach your hand around and unlock it.

There has to be a way to lock the gate. A padlock or something. A lock you don't have keys to is useless -- get it removed and put one up yourself so that you have the keys or combo.

Everything you describe does sound really frustrating. I would not be hesitant to show my frustration to the kids and the parents. I'd say things like, "Move aside, I need to get to my car and you're in my way," "No, don't come in our gate, we're having family time out here right now," "No, you can't come to the store with us, go home. I know your mom said yes but I'm the one who would have to watch you and I said no." There are two pushy, tag-along kids in my neighborhood and I have to be extremely firm and direct (bordering on rude) with them or else they'll spend every waking moment with us.

[EdnaMarie]

Well, insofar as the type of touching goes, I know plenty of white kids (and black, and Filipino, and Spanish, and Mexican, and German, and, and, and) who love all over my baby. Their behavior sounds completely normal and is, in my opinion, for *me*, totally acceptable. So, that's me.

But for you, it's unacceptable. So I agree you need to speak to the parents. I personally would say something like: "I'm glad to have nice neighbors like you. Your children are very sweet. But to us, our yard is part of our home. So please, ask your children to respect the gate like they respect the front door. I don't want to keep nagging them. Thanks!"

I wouldn't leave the note. Try your Spanish. Go for it.

It seems to me like you want the parents to do something about something they have no problem with. You don't want to confront them. There are lots of inarticulate people in the world that are shy about bringing up issues, but they do it when they have to. So you're inarticulate in Spanish. That's okay. Maybe it will disarm them, make them more gentle with you. LOL

Ex: "I want M (my 8mo) to be my baby sister for my mom and dad to have and take her home with me..." She then went into detail about how my DD would become her sister. Strange.

This is so normal as to be common. I must hear it weekly about my baby. They just want a baby sibling. Simple as that. They're not going to steal the baby. Maybe their parents are done having kids. Probably they said it at home and the neighbors laughed and said, "Oh, I bet her mama would miss her!" or "Are you kidding? You kids are enough trouble for us. "

"Move aside, I need to get to my car and you're in my way," "No, don't come in our gate, we're having family time out here right now," "No, you can't come to the store with us, go home. I know your mom said yes but I'm the one who would have to watch you and I said no."

I would say all of these things, but with "please" attached, while in a very firm voice with a firm but gentle look, after having explained to them with their parents that the yard is your family relaxing space.