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I feel like I am losing it.

post #1 of 12
Thread Starter 
Man, I wish you could post things anonymously.

This is my first baby after a loss (mc)
DD is 6 weeks old. She has had extreme colic and terrible reflux for 3 weeks. I stay home alone with her for 8 hours (like many moms)
She goes through spurts where she has that classic piercing, colicky cry and is completely inconsolable.
I get really angry and frustrated and I feel incredibly overwhelmed.

I have to physically put her down away from me, because I am so frustrated.
Here I was attempting to try attachment style parenting. I can't handle it sometimes.
I was raised in a home with a very verbally violent father who yelled at me a lot. He also liked to be abusive to my things (never me physically).
I also struggled with bulimia for ten years before I married my DH.

I have worked with children as an early childhood education teacher for years and have felt like I did wonderfully. I felt competent and overjoyed to soothe children. Now I am a mess with my own wonderful little girl.

I know this is probably way too much info, but I feel like I have to spew it out and maybe someone can relate.

What's happening? What is wrong with me as a mama? I am so upset I can't handle this very well. My baby that I waited so long for.

Any books, words of wisdom, or things you did to deal with this sort of anxiety?

Taking an Rx isn't really a road I am ready to go down yet.
post #2 of 12
Many hugs mama. A new baby is not easy. Being all alone is not easy. No real advice, but just wanted to offer support.
post #3 of 12
Hey mama,

Almost no one can handle everything all by themselves all the time. I'm on child #2, 20 days pp, and sometimes I just sit here watching her scream, numb and exhausted and think "I should pick her up. Really. But I don't want to." I do it anyway, knowing that I probably won't get to pee or eat for another few hours.

Point being, you are NOT alone and if my toddler is any indication, it DOES get better. If you have a partner or help in the other 16 hours, hand off the baby and go get 3 hours of solid, alone sleep. Then, get up and pee, then eat, THEN take the baby back. It is amazing how much the little things help.

post #4 of 12

She sounds just like my firstborn. I had suicidal thoughts that first month, just wanting to escape, and this was the child we had tried for 2 years to conceive. I felt horrible. About everything. And I had my husband home with me full time whom I wouldn't let him out of my sight for even a couple of hours. I can't imagine being alone all day.

I hated when people said this to me then, because I couldn't believe it, but it did get better. I know you're not asking for suggestions with this, but for the colic, try a probiotic. I wish I'd known about it for my extremely colicky first born, but it has helped tremendously with my much more mellow second baby who just has some gas and fussiness in the evenings.

More importantly, know that once this passes, you can and will have a lifelong bond with your child. My DD and I are firmly attached now, despite my not really wanting to be with her much the first month or two and feeling like a complete failure as a mother.

And as for AP, it's ok to let some of that go, at least until you feel more secure and she is more settled in the world. Like I said, DD and I are firmly attached, and I was far from being mother earth in the first weeks of her life.
post #5 of 12
Hang in there, mama. You are NOT alone! And congrats on your awareness - just being able to make a post about it is a good sign. I found this book to be helpful: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d.html/r...0?a=1572245891
post #6 of 12
You're not alone, my first was also colicky and I was recovering from a c-section. I really don't know how I survived those first few months feeling adrift and not knowing who to talk to or who I could be real with. I cried a LOT, freaked out on my husband a lot and felt overwhelmed, some days even struggling to get out of bed.

For me, a community post-partum support group made all the difference. Talking about our experiences and hearing what other women are going through go a long way towards healing that pain and also silencing that nagging little voice that tells you you "should" do this or that.

The second time around, it was different. Still PPD but manifesting in rage, anxiety and high blood pressure. This time I took meds in addition to the group, and although I can totally understand not feeling ready (never took meds first time around) it has healed me to depths I didn't think were possible. I'm still working on things, but am seeing clearly now the patterns and messages I've been fed and fed myself just weren't working.

What you're going through is normal for someone suffering through PPD, there is no perfect mama, you are everything to your babe and the two of you will get through it.

Hugs mama...so many of us have been there.
post #7 of 12
Mama, you're not alone : I felt so much like you after the birth of my first babe. He screamed non-stop due to reflux, and I just wanted him to go away and things to go back to normal. I felt guilty for feeling like that since we'd gone through a very long TTC journey, including IVF.

The things that helped: treating DS's reflux (avoiding dairy/soy plus medicating with a proton-pump inhibitor) and medicating myself with an anti-depressant. I know you said you're not ready to go there yet, but that's what worked for me. I also found some friends who also struggled with PPD, and we started to meet weekly. It was such a relief to be able to be honest with people about how hard things were. They were 2 girls that I met online, and I now count them amongst my closest friends.

I found that I started to really regain my equilibrium when DS was around 18 months of age. In the early days, I honestly didn't think I would survive that long. I was afraid of my own anger, and overwhelmed by the complete loss of control over my own life. I still sometimes feel like that, but I know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You WILL start to feel more competent and in-control soon. Find some support, a mothers group or playgroup. Even if you don't tell them that you're struggling, just having a regular social outing each week will help to make sure you don't isolate yourself.

Are there any times when your baby DOESN'T cry? For me, DS was happy to be driving around in the car. So sometimes, I would pop him in the carset, drive through McDonalds to grab a coffee, and drive around for an hour listening to music while DS slept. Waste of petrol? Maybe. But it saved my sanity on more than a few occasions.
post #8 of 12
Hugs, mama.

I've been through it, too -- those of us with abuse in our history (even if it isn't physical abuse) -- have a lot to work through as parents. I found there have been times in my mothering journey when I really, truly felt like the mother I want to be, and other times when I feel I'm falling far, far short of my ideal.

I find it has a lot to do with ages and stages, plus any outside stressors going on -- when a difficult stage combines with stress, the result is a non-optimal mama, unfortunately. Postpartum is pretty much a guaranteed tough time for those of us with histories .

Two things have helped me enormously (other pp's have mentioned this): finding a support system of mamas who will tell the truth about motherhood and their struggles, and not just what's going right so they can look good; and working through my own issues with a therapist.

You will go through many, many stages with your child -- trust in the bigger picture, parenting is a very long journey -- some stages will go great and others you really wish you could do-over -- also trust that *any* healing work you do will ultimately benefit your child, and know that your children will have a better childhood than you did because of it. It is a long journey, be gentle with yourself and find some support.
post #9 of 12
I am so sorry you are going through this. What everyone else said is right- a new baby can be challenging. Also, you are only 6 weeks PP and your hormones are still adjusting so keep this in mind as well. Can you get out and exercise or take a walk? Don't feel guilty about not feeling like you have the capacity to be "on" at all times. Let people around you know that you need support as you transition into motherhood. You are not expected to be perfect.

My DS was great in his first 12 weeks and then all hell broke lose as he randomly became colicky. I just didn't know what to do and it was very stressful to hear him cry constantly. What worked for us was I took him to our chiropractor and after his first appointment things were so much better. We took him 4-5 more times after that and it helped tremendously and got us through those next few months. The adjustments were so gentle. I have heard that birth (vaginal or c-sect) can be traumatic on babies craniums and spines so perhaps an adjustment would help.

Good luck. You can do this. The one thing you will learn about motherhood is that it all comes in phases. Before you know it this phase will be over and you will be on to the next phase!
post #10 of 12
My first child had colic for 8 full weeks. It was absolutely one of the most horrible things I've ever been through. I was so sleep deprived that I even hallucinated one day; a separate time, while napping w/ him in my bed (& desperately trying to catch up on sleep), I wasn't awoken until he started crying b/c he was wedged b/twn the dresser and bed. I felt like such a horrible mother, so incompetent and overwhelmed.

We went through multiple medications & upright sleeping for our kid, thinking it might be GERD (reflux). We tried putting simethicone in his bottles to alleviate gas, in case that was the problem. Of course no one knows what causes colic, so it was a frustrating search for anything that would work.

We tried using only formula, and different kinds of formula, since breastfeeding didn't calm him down. I tried doing both breastfeeding & formula, different combinations. I wore him in the sling, swaddled him, rocked him, did everything I could to provide love and nurturing & bring him (and me) peace. He slept in a rocker at night, and we went through countless "D" batteries; of course the rocker would have to be restarted countless times through the night. I remember singing "silent night" and other songs to him for endless hours through the sleep deprived nights. We took long drives in the car, in case the vibration helped soothe him.

We decided to never have another child. Now that I'm pregnant 6 years later, I think we've forgotten somehow how rough those first few months were. Your post reminds me!


But now that I'm on the other side..... colic does end. Our children grow up, and in the big picture, 2 months is nothing. YOU ARE NOT A BAD MOM and YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS. You are going through something that every mother w/ a colicky child experiences. There are discussion boards that focus on this, please find them. They helped me get through the experience.

You will eventually LOVE being a mother and feel competent. You just have to get over this period, and please remember, it will end. All of this will be just a distant memory. Your daughter may eventually have a calm, easy-going temperament & will bring pure joy to your life. The experience of colic has nothing to do with her personality, or your mothering skills. Just take it one day at a time & look forward to the 3-month mark.

In the meantime, if you can find anyone to help you by watching your baby, please ask them! You need to reach out for help. It is essential that you get at least 4 hrs of uninterrupted sleep each day. You need frequent naps. Getting sleep is key to getting through this.
post #11 of 12
Thread Starter 
Hello Mamas

OP here. Thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement.
The good news is that I am seeing a therapist today. Someone to talk to about what is going on, besides my DH. ( I think he is totally lost with what is going on for me)
Thank you for sharing your stories. I hope things get better around here.
post #12 of 12
Glad to hear your update OP
I've been seeing a therapist lately too, and finding it really helpful. I hope you find it helpful also.
Keep us updated.
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