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All advice needed including MYOB

post #1 of 13
Thread Starter 
Please move wherever it's most appropriate:


There is a family that has been in our circle for about 7 years. Divorced parents and two boys now 14 and 16 (my ds is 14) and the younger boy and my ds play hockey and lacrosse together. The mom is super nice, is a IT professional, works from home, runs the boys around, etc. About 4 years ago the dad moved into town. He's soo the fun parent. At 50 he dresses like a teenager, likes to skateboard, hangs out with the boys instead of the parents etc. To each his own. The parents on T's teams has always wondered what he does for a living as he doesn't ever seem to work. Well, in the last 18 months or so it appears that whatever he does for money is shady. His car was impounded and by the time he figured out to call the impound lot it was too expensive to get out and he has been in jail at least 5-6 times in the last three years, twice this spring in two weeks time for assault. The older boy has been in trouble for truency, smoking mj in school, minor in posession (dad was hosting the party apparently), etc. Mom had him comitted to an inpatient facility for a couple weeks and he came out with a couple diagnosis and was doing better while on a court ordered ankle monitor. He was not allowed to be at dad's. So that's kind of the back story.

Last night I was hockey car pool mom. T is to be dropped off at Dad's house per the custody agreement (and T's wishes - if they are supposed to be at dad's they make mom's life a nightmare if she tries to get them to stay at her house). While we are on our way he tells the boys they don't have any electricity at dad's house. Because they kept the last time dad was picked up on a warrent from mom, I texted her to let her know. Well apparently the water is also turned off and there is no food in the house. I'm not really worried about the food bacause I know he's eating at school and I fed him last night. But the no electric and no water, to me is worrying.

Do I call CPS? Would they make the boys go to mom's for their safety? Or would they make mom just pay child support to dad (even when he worked he has never paid her a dime for anything, or any of the boys activities. She has always done it alone) even though they have them evenly and he chooses not to do anything as far as employment? Should I just MYOB?

When talking to my ds after we dropped everyone off he also told me that he is already smoking (and chewing) tobacco and mj and drinking to excess (I don't have an issue with a glass of wine with your parents at dinner).....
post #2 of 13
Calling CPS at this stage is a pretty big leap. Why don't you just tell the mother, if you're so close with her? Let her take action. In her shoes, I would appreciate being told what you heard my sons say in the car.
post #3 of 13
Thread Starter 
She does know, the boys won't willingly stay at her house
post #4 of 13
I don't understand what the boys willingness to stay at her house has to do with this issue. As the mother, can't she report (to the court, or wherever) if the conditions in the other custodial parent's home are unsafe or unfit (no food)? If she knows, why isn't she reporting him?
post #5 of 13
Quote:
Originally Posted by 34me View Post
She does know, the boys won't willingly stay at her house
so the boys are spending court ordered time with dad, they want to spend the time with dad, mom knows about the conditions at dad's, and the boys are not being abused.

there's nothing to report. Yes, it's screwy, but it isn't abuse and it isn't neglect. It's just not how most of us want to live.
post #6 of 13
Thread Starter 
And that's what I wanted to hear - MYOB. I'll still feed him though
post #7 of 13
Yes - MYOB (said nicely!). And it is nice for the boys they have adults who care in their lives - you.

TBH no water and electricity do not seem like huge deals unless they go on for too long or it happens in really cold weather.
post #8 of 13
Definitely MYOB in my opinion. May not be what i'd want, but nobody is getting hurt.
post #9 of 13
I'd feed him and then assuming the mom knows, MYOB. It is her call involve the courts.
post #10 of 13
As to why the mom does not report the situation - they kids are teens, want to be with dad, and proving the horrible situation in court would cost a small fortune and make the boys mad at her. CPS won't do anything because dad would figure out how to get the stuff turned back on before anything would come of the charges and again, the boys would just be mad at mom, convinced she is the one that called, stirring up trouble for dad. Sounds like mom is doing the best she can at this stage in the kids lives. If the boys did not want to be with dad, it would be another story. Does not mean that I would agree with the mom or make the same choices, but it is her life and her choices to make.
post #11 of 13
You are being very kind with food. He can wash/drink/flush at school or at the arena, so he is okay.

But still....

Can you extend your kindness to a bed (even on the couch) at times?

It seems this family is only going to mess things up more, so maybe think about giving the kids a bed.

If you do give the boys a bed, you need to set your rules. Mine would be "no alcohol, no drugs, in bed by 11 pm and to school or work by 8 am." And I would not give out house keys.

But you have your own life to live and you need to find your own way and time.
post #12 of 13
um, no it's not ok that there is no food, no power and no water and mom is just letting it slide. She could lose custody for knowingly allowing her kids to stay in those conditions if CPS finds out. Something needs to be done.
post #13 of 13
Quote:
Originally Posted by Arduinna View Post
um, no it's not ok that there is no food, no power and no water and mom is just letting it slide. She could lose custody for knowingly allowing her kids to stay in those conditions if CPS finds out. Something needs to be done.
I agree. No water and no food are serious neglect issues (they live there half the time? even more serious than over a weekend). Power... eh, it's nice to have, but not a requirement if everyone is warm enough, kwim?
I also recognize that the boys may refuse to stay with mom out of a sense of loyalty to dad but that telling you about the situation may be a "cry for help" of sorts.
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