I just want my DAD! DAD is my favorite grown up! NOT YOU!

[hopefulfaith]

((sigh))
The title says it all.

I have been being hit by both sides: my ds (newly 5) and my dd (almost 4) are just really vocally preferring their dad right now and ... at the risk of being silly, it is really, really, really hurting my feelings. They aren't just being like that when dh is engaged in Fun Dad Mode, they're doing it all the time.

I halted my career and have been a SAHM since ds was born. They were uber-attached infants and toddlers, and as preschoolers have realized how fun and awesome their dad is. For example, dh works really long hours. By the time he gets home, it's dinner/showers/roughhousing/books/bed time. He is never home to make them put away their toys, get dressed when they don't want to, have lunch and quiet time, etc., etc. etc.

I have been gone two weekends out of the past five years - one was last weekend. Dh took them miniature golfing, to the children's museum, and out for ice cream, among other wonderful stuff. I came home to three loads of laundry and a counter full of dishes, so the kids and I folded laundry when *I* reappeared.

We do fun family stuff together on weekends, so if we're golfing, playing on the beach, doing home improvements (ds lives for this), etc., it's when dad is home. I'm beginning to regret this, since it seems like they associate the fun stuff of life when dh is home and only the boring, everyday stuff when I'm home.

Every Saturday, dh has taken the kids out for breakfast. It started as a way to give hugely-pregnant me a break when ds was 14 months old. Now, they all pile in the Big Green Work Truck and go have breakfast at a local restaurant. It is a huge thing for the three of them. I go out with them sometimes during the week, but they are clearly vocalizing lately that they prefer eating in restaurants because they get to order whatever they like instead of eating what I make for dinner. I hate that mentality.

Yesterday, when dh took the afternoon off and we went to Lowes all together, the kids whined about wanting to ride in dh's cart, NOT MAMA'S. This morning, I was kindly/patiently/sweetly helping ds get dressed and get his teeth brushed for school, when he burst into tears and ran out of the room and yelled that he didn't want me, he just wanted DAD!

When he gets mad at me lately, he throws out "Dad is my favorite grown up. NOT YOU!" I reply calmly that that is okay, I love him very much, and he still has to do xyz (stop pushing his sister/whatever it is he's mad about).

My dd simply goes into episodes where she chants/whines "I want my daddy! I just want my daddy!"



I have talked to dh about him always being Fun Dad and the kids naturally preferring being with him, and he always says "They want me when they're with you, but they start wanting you when they're with me and you're not around." I think he's just trying to make me feel better.


Is this age-appropriate and going to pass and all?

This morning, when I was trying to help ds and actively trying to be loving and patient with him ---- it's our first week of school with a new school/new teacher, first time waking up at 7am to get out the door at 7:45am ---- I had to walk away and fight back tears. I wanted to yell something mean and hurtful to him back in return, which I know is completely inappropriate for a five year old, so obviously I didn't, so I walked away until I could get it under control and return to him with his lunchbox and a hug. Dh took him to school today, which made ds inordinately happy and blissful again.



Has anyone else been through this? Does it pass?

[The4OfUs]

I think it's normal, the emotion, but I also think that it's

- OK for you to discipline them for being mean/rude to you ("It's fine to want daddy to help and ask politely. Please do not shout and be rude to me when you ask.") I don't mean punish them, I just mean let them know it's not OK to talk to you like that and require them to rephrase and be polite about it. No emotion is bad or wrong, it's just a matter of expressing it respectfully.

AND

- I think you have a good point about it all being "fun" with dad. I think that maybe after Saturday breakfast, it should be Saturday Chores with Dad. They are totally old enough to do it, and by seeing that he is going to "make" them do things too, it might help things. Save some laundry for them (including DH!) to fold, have them put away dishes, sweep the floor, whatever. Quality, bonding time doesn't always have to be fun and games.

So - it's normal, but I think there's a lot you and DH could come up with to help mitigate it and help make the phase over faster. I think I'd approach your DH i na conversation not from the POV of you being sad becasue they seem to want him, but instead from a 'we need them to see that dad time doesn't mean just fun, that we're a family that works together' POV. So find a few chores he doesn't mind doing, evern if it's only 15 minutes' worth, and have them start doing them. in our house DH and the kids do laundry, tidy bedrooms, and do dishes together - not all the time, but enough that it's part of a routine that they expect.

And finally, big : to you. I'm sure it must hurt, even if it is developmentally normal and understandable. I think that as part of a stage it will change, AND I think you and DH can work together to help turn it around, too.

[Norasmomma]

Oh mama, I can totally relate, my DD has been like this much of her life. I still don't put her to bed at night because she wants daddy. There are times when she is like where's daddy, I want daddy, when is daddy gonna be home, daddy, daddy, daddy.......AUGHHHHHHH. I get soooo sick of it.

So I now I go to work 3 nights a week, it was first because of the economy and needing money, but it has helped remedy the situation some. Now I'm gone, so they miss me(well DS always misses me because he's a mama's boy). I personally would be thinking about doing something like that, it helps to be an adult and it takes the focus off of just the kids. I really felt bad, like DD didn't like me, but the truth is she's just so darn used to me being there all.the.time. doing most of the daily tasks and discipline that she just sees me as mama authority and daddy as the "fun" guy.

Since I started working some that has totally changed. For me it has been the change I needed.

[EVC]

It's probably normal. At least I can add my dd to the list of "I want daddy, not you" kids.

Examples: she'll ask to go to the store with dh, specifically stating that she does not want me to come with them If dh and I pick her up afterschool together, she will run right past me to dh and throw herself into his arms, without so much as a "hello" to me Well, stuff like that.

I don't know. To be honest, it doesn't really bother me much. I know she loves me, and I am happy that she loves dh so much. I think it is that dh is more of a "novelty" to her: she spends all day with me carting her around, helping her dress, feeding her, bathing her, etc. Dh, on the other hand, is more of a "treat" when he participates in all of these daily routines, so she is excited when he gets involved. Me? She just expects me to do all of these things, so I suppose I am taken for granted in a sense. But for whatever reason, as I said, I don't let it bother me or get me down. I know that she really loves me and she does tell me so every day. But boy do her eyes light up when she sees daddy!

[2goingon2]

My 3 year old son does this too. He is definitely Daddy's boy. He even cried and cried for him the other night because he wanted Daddy to take him night-night; not mama. I told him I loved him and he said 'no - I love Daddy'. I'm 6 months pregnant and a wee bit emotional so it made me cry a little. Of course it was dark and he didn't realize I was crying.

My husband is a wonderful father - the world's most patient, loving and doting man...or at least to me. He is 100% hands on and helps me with everything. He adores his children and he loves having our boy snuggle up to him in the morning and ask for Daddy.

I know children wax and wane...but my two older children ALWAYS preferred me so this is a bit tough. I just have to remind myself he's only 3 and he is loved beyond all measure so that is what counts.

...still hurts my feelings a bit though so I empathize with you.

[quelindo]

Oh, sweetie, big big hugs to you. I am not in your shoes, because it's the opposite around here. Henry is a total Mama's boy and has said that he loves me, not Daddy. But it does seem like it's slowly changing to a more neutral position. And I always feel bad for my DH who is a GREAT parent. I think it must be so hard to continue being a great parent when you get treated that way. Know that it's really no reflection on you. I know what kind of mom you are, and how much you love your kids.

[southernmama]

Same here- frankly dad is nicer and more fun- I have the responsibility and make them do stuff. When he is out of town )like this weekend- life continues pretty much as normal- eat at home, bedtime, practice piano. When I go out of town and they are with him it's dinner out, swimming, movies and good times!

I read somewhere that it you are a "good"mama- (generally meet needs, no fierce yelling/abuse etc.) that kids have very little childhood memoryof you- because you have filled your destiny- helped them grow and flourish. Dads- they remember lots of stuff- due to the novelty. My mom was awesome growing up and you know what- i tend to remember specific times she fussed at me- not so much all the other great days we shared together- just a general level of happiness when I think of my childhood with her. No fair!

[nextcommercial]

As the parent of grown (almost grown) kids, i'd happily have said "OK... then can I go out for a few hours since you all seem fine?" I'd enjoy the time off.

[hopefulfaith]

Thanks, everyone, for your kind support and advice.

After that episode the other morning, when I came on here immediately after and started typing away, I sat back and thought about this more.

I do have more work to do on the Fun Dad/Boring Mama front. I can't make life all fun and games, but it's also not fair that he gets all the cool awesomeness of life, either. We are going to have to work on that more. He has been SO much better about sharing responsibilities these past few years - i.e., loading the dishwasher while I shower the kids, etc., but he does seem to have a disproportionate amount of Fun Stuff.

However, I think that the *way* ds is talking to me is also what's bothering me. He's always been a sweet boy with super great manners and very loving speech with me/dh, and this whole thing seemed to come out of nowhere. He is really, really absorbing language these last several months & I'm thinking that he is learning the ability to hurt with words when he's upset ---- and I think I need to step it up in regards to telling him that it hurts my feelings and the like.


When ds came home from school on Friday, he was still a little upset with me. I pulled him aside and knelt down and whispered "Your bucket seems empty today. Can I help fill it?". He nodded and I gave him a hug...and then 86 more. He melted into me and needed lots of hugs and love, and it seemed like the day started getting better then. We've had a lot of stress lately with starting school/new school/me traveling downstate by myself last weekend, without kids -- and I wonder if he was just needing some love.




Thank you so much for your encouragement, everyone.

[LynnS6]

Originally Posted by hopefulfaith

However, I think that the *way* ds is talking to me is also what's bothering me. He's always been a sweet boy with super great manners and very loving speech with me/dh, and this whole thing seemed to come out of nowhere. He is really, really absorbing language these last several months & I'm thinking that he is learning the ability to hurt with words when he's upset ---- and I think I need to step it up in regards to telling him that it hurts my feelings and the like.

When I read that, I said 'Her child is 5'. Then I read your signature and realized I'm right. You're right that this is partly a language development thing. Kids are learning the power of words, and just like when they're 2 and learning the power of their bodies, they need help in understanding the effects of the power on others. He's young enough still be pretty ego-centric. He's not thinking about the effect of his words on you. So, helping him learn that is a good thing. He'll catch on eventually.

I think it's also partly a SAH vs. WOH parent thing. I'm the WOH parent in our family. Dh does plenty of fun things with them. But since I'm around less, I'm more novel and more desired. They know the SAH parent is going to be there, so they don't have to hold on so tight.

[NiteNicole]

My husband is the Fun Parent. I am not. We are both working on her not being rude about it (today she whispered to me, later when Daddy comes out if you want to go inside and do other stuff and leave just us out here, that's ok, but only if you want to and don't tell Daddy I said any of this) because while it doesn't hurt my feelings, my mom would never recover from, "I want Grandad, not you" and her favorite aunt of the moment would never forgive, "I like Auntie Other better" - being rude is not nice, even to your mother.

Here's why I am not anxious to shake up the situation - when we go to the zoo and it's hot as blazes, she does not care at ALL if I got sit in the shade and read while he drags that wagon around like he's some kind of sad pack animal. When we go to the beach, she doesn't notice if I sneak away to sleep under an umbrella or read a book but let him try to take a break? NEVER! So yeah, he's the favorite but if it has to be that way, who am I to look a gift break in the nap?

[hopefulfaith]

Originally Posted by LynnS6

I think it's also partly a SAH vs. WOH parent thing. I'm the WOH parent in our family. Dh does plenty of fun things with them. But since I'm around less, I'm more novel and more desired. They know the SAH parent is going to be there, so they don't have to hold on so tight.

You know, I hadn't really thought about this that way. That is interesting, because my dh travels a fair amount for work - and he was gone for 7 weeks this spring, for example - and I think that sometimes the kids wake up and realize he's gone, magically, and don't know when he will reappear. We do prep them a little before he goes, but I wonder how they take his travel. Hmmm.

[hopefulfaith]

Originally Posted by NiteNicole

My husband is the Fun Parent. I am not. We are both working on her not being rude about it (today she whispered to me, later when Daddy comes out if you want to go inside and do other stuff and leave just us out here, that's ok, but only if you want to and don't tell Daddy I said any of this) because while it doesn't hurt my feelings, my mom would never recover from, "I want Grandad, not you" and her favorite aunt of the moment would never forgive, "I like Auntie Other better" - being rude is not nice, even to your mother.

Here's why I am not anxious to shake up the situation - when we go to the zoo and it's hot as blazes, she does not care at ALL if I got sit in the shade and read while he drags that wagon around like he's some kind of sad pack animal. When we go to the beach, she doesn't notice if I sneak away to sleep under an umbrella or read a book but let him try to take a break? NEVER! So yeah, he's the favorite but if it has to be that way, who am I to look a gift break in the nap?

Your last paragraph cracks me up!

However, that's one of the things I'm really worrying about at the moment - not so much that my feelings were hurt, but also "Where did my kid's manners go?!?", what with what I perceive as rudeness in his delivery. I think this is my teaching moment here: I think I have a lot of work to do with expressing one's feelings but doing it kindly/respectfully...even to your mom.

[pregnant@40]

Totally normal, totally developmentally appropriate. You're the parent that is always around & they can count on, the "authority" that they need to rebel from in order to assert their own self-identities. Daddy is rare & exciting. Yet if you ever did make yourself absent or pull away from them, it would hurt them beyond belief. They love you so deeply that they feel safe enough to reject you, just to test limits & exert their own power. Your response, telling them that it is OK to feel this way & totally normal, is perfect. It's a phase, it will pass. Meanwhile know that you have emotionally healthy children & you are doing a great job of mothering them!

[NiteNicole]

However, that's one of the things I'm really worrying about at the moment - not so much that my feelings were hurt, but also "Where did my kid's manners go?!?", what with what I perceive as rudeness in his delivery. I think this is my teaching moment here: I think I have a lot of work to do with expressing one's feelings but doing it kindly/respectfully...even to your mom.

It has helped us to give my daughter phrases to use in those situations. I miss Daddy and I like playing with Daddy. Also practice tone. I have started to hear this more often than "OH NO WE WERE HAVING SO MUCH FUN WHY ARE YOU HERE" which certainly gets her point across but is just too rude to let pass.

[choli]

Originally Posted by LynnS6

When I read that, I said 'Her child is 5'. Then I read your signature and realized I'm right. You're right that this is partly a language development thing. Kids are learning the power of words, and just like when they're 2 and learning the power of their bodies, they need help in understanding the effects of the power on others. He's young enough still be pretty ego-centric. He's not thinking about the effect of his words on you. So, helping him learn that is a good thing. He'll catch on eventually.

I think it's also partly a SAH vs. WOH parent thing. I'm the WOH parent in our family. Dh does plenty of fun things with them. But since I'm around less, I'm more novel and more desired. They know the SAH parent is going to be there, so they don't have to hold on so tight.

Definitely true about the SAH vs. WOH thing. My mom was an SAHM, and a fine mom, but we got less of Dad, and consequently always wanted more of him. Having 4 kids, my Mom never minded that much she was glad of the break.