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My friend.

post #1 of 33
9/10/10 at 10:16am
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Edited by ParisApril - 11/13/10 at 8:45pm
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post #2 of 33
9/10/10 at 11:06am
Learn how to say NO to her! Her sense of entitlement is overwhelming isn't it?
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post #3 of 33
9/10/10 at 11:46am
I would totally have the same trouble as you. You gotta learn to say no.

Sometimes, financial troubles are just bad luck/circumstances. Other times, people are actively contributing to their financial problems and still feel entitled to complain.

If this is becoming more and more of you being a free resource for her instead of a give-and-take friendship, it might be time to start backing off the relationship. Which is sad. But if she is a "user" (of other people) you could run yourself into the ground trying to help her and end up actually being no help at all.
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post #4 of 33
9/10/10 at 11:49am
Sorry, dear... she's using you. Grow a backbone and say no to her when you need to.
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post #5 of 33
9/10/10 at 11:52am
Start saying no and put some distance between you. She's taking advantage of you!
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post #6 of 33
9/10/10 at 11:53am
FWIW, I used to have a friend like that-- eventually said our circumstances had changed and we couldn't help any more.... And we stayed friends. No problem. Turns out she wasn't a user, just blunt and she didn't mind my being blunt either.
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post #7 of 33
9/10/10 at 12:43pm
It's hard to expect her behaviour to change, or even for her to know her behaviour is bothering you, if you don't speak up for yourself. Definitely say "no."

Hearing her complain about not being able to pay rent when she seems to have money for other non-necessities must be frustrating, especially because you're her friend and you worry about her. My first thought, since you said she spends money very shortly after she's broke, is that perhaps she is receiving gifts from family or friends? A paid for overnight trip, or a new sweater for her daughter bought by grandma? I've learned to think about these options before automatically assuming someone is using her own money, which seems in short supply, when buying something I think is unnecessary or frivolous. Also, is it possible that she says "I'm broke" or "I can't afford it" when she really means "it's not in the budget"? Maybe she prioritizes things like a hand-knit sweater over other things. You said she was telling you she had no money right before she bought the sweater. Maybe she had no money because she designated her money for that sweater, for example.

If you're truly concerned that her money management skills are threatening her wellbeing (i.e. can't pay rent), it might be appropriate to say so: "this is the third month in a row you've told me you're having trouble making rent. Do you think there's anything you could shift in your budget so you're not so tight when rent is due?" or "have you heard about that free credit counseling service? They do up a budget with you and stuff."

Otherwise, if you just don't like how much money she "wastes", it's probably not your business. If you don't like her talking about her spending priorities, create some distance between you.
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post #8 of 33
9/10/10 at 12:59pm
Thread Starter 
nm

Edited by ParisApril - 11/13/10 at 8:45pm
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post #9 of 33
9/10/10 at 1:23pm
I'd say learn to say no and possibly find a new friend. Honestly, and I'll sound like a b!tch here, I find those types of people kind of annoying. We had a friend that ALWAYS complained about money and had to have her friends pay her rent some months...but was always going out and getting a new piercing or tattoo. Um, tats are NOT cheap (especially the big, colorful ones she got) and she was getting complicated piercings like the under the skin kind.

So yeah, I can sympathize...our friend never asked US for money, but I just got tired of hearing "I have no money...I got a new tat!"

If you're really close you can offer to go over her budget or teach her how to do one.
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post #10 of 33
9/10/10 at 1:37pm
I'm also always broke,but my rent is always paid on time. I make sure I have rent and my cell bill paid. I love going out to eat or going for a coffee,but I just can't do it as much as I want to. I maybe have a coffee/drink once a month if that.

I think you need to tell your friend that you just can't help as much as you'd like with the babysitting b/c things have changed for you and your family and you're much busier then you were before. Then maybe offer to help with her budget like some others have said.
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post #11 of 33
9/10/10 at 3:07pm
Money is funny, isn't it?

From what you've said, I would back off from the friendship a bit, absolutely not loan any money and change the subject when she brings it up.

I had a friend who does fairly well but she SPENDS. Oh my gosh she spends. She got truly mad at me because I said we couldn't afford to go on a vacation with her and her DH. She flat out didn't believe me. Um, excuse me but having open credit on your credit card does NOT mean you can *afford* something.

I had to step back and stop listening and participating in those types of conversations.
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post #12 of 33
9/10/10 at 3:52pm
I think you got a lot of good advice. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Quote:
Originally Posted by cappuccinosmom View Post
I would totally have the same trouble as you. You gotta learn to say no.

Sometimes, financial troubles are just bad luck/circumstances. Other times, people are actively contributing to their financial problems and still feel entitled to complain.

If this is becoming more and more of you being a free resource for her instead of a give-and-take friendship, it might be time to start backing off the relationship. Which is sad. But if she is a "user" (of other people) you could run yourself into the ground trying to help her and end up actually being no help at all.
I agree with everything you said, but especially the part I bolded.

Quote:
Originally Posted by CherryBomb View Post
Start saying no and put some distance between you. She's taking advantage of you!
Unfortunately, I totally agree with this, no matter how hard it will be.

Quote:
Originally Posted by AFWife View Post
...Honestly, and I'll sound like a b!tch here, I find those types of people kind of annoying....
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post #13 of 33
9/10/10 at 4:48pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by ParisApril View Post
She said to me, "I know I spent way too much money on this sweater. Isn't it great?" I'm sure it was her money spent.

Isn't she making it my business by telling me all that?
You can answer. "Yes, it's a beautiful sweater." You don't have to acknowledge her comment about the cost.

It sounds like you find your friend annoying and it's time to create distance.
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post #14 of 33
9/10/10 at 4:52pm
Yeah, my best friend is the same way about money. She makes almost three times the amount I do, smokes - a lot, drinks, goes out partying. She prides herself in shopping thrift stores and never paying more than "$4 for a shirt", but she has SO MANY clothes. Not less than a hundred shirts. Gets lattes every day, eats nothing but processed food. But she's always broke. I sometimes feel guilty when I spend money on things she cannot afford, but I have to stop and remind myself that I budget, don't smoke, drink rarely, eat from scratch, live in an itty bitty apartment, have minimal clothes, no credit card debt, and drive a paid off car.

But she's not a user, she doesn't ask for money. I just hear all the time about her being so broke.
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post #15 of 33
9/10/10 at 4:56pm
Thread Starter 

nm


Edited by ParisApril - 11/13/10 at 8:46pm
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post #16 of 33
9/11/10 at 2:04am
We teach people how to treat us.


You have taught this user that it is ok to use you.




Time to teach her a new lesson. You don't have a friendship if you get nothing but being used out of it.
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post #17 of 33
9/11/10 at 3:14pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by sanguine_speed View Post
You can answer. "Yes, it's a beautiful sweater." You don't have to acknowledge her comment about the cost.

It sounds like you find your friend annoying and it's time to create distance.
I'd be like: How are you going to pay your rent this month? Haven't you been short the last couple of months? Can you take it back? She's going to outgrow it soon anyway. But I'm like that....
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post #18 of 33
9/11/10 at 3:51pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ellien C View Post
I'd be like: How are you going to pay your rent this month? Haven't you been short the last couple of months? Can you take it back? She's going to outgrow it soon anyway. But I'm like that....
I would, too. Or like, "Man, too bad I don't have extra spending money to blow on unnecessary things."
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post #19 of 33
9/11/10 at 5:34pm
My best friend does this too, but it's a guy. I just use the word "unnecessary".
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post #20 of 33
9/11/10 at 6:06pm
People always (no, generally) find a way to get the things they *want* but never the things they don't want. No one wants to pay bills. they're not fun. But, coffee, clothes, books, toys, etc., are fun. They make her happy. The term 'retail therapy' is there for a reason. Some people actually get a slight 'high' when going shopping. I've been guilty of it myself at times. Spending on the small things, people don't realize that if they buy a $5 cup of coffee every morning, that's $35/week and 140/month. It's not rationalized that way.

If you pointed it out to her, my guess is she wouldn't be enlightened. She knows, but it's easier to bury a head in the sand. I have a sister like this. Goes out partying all the time, gets mani/pedi almost weekly, goes on vacations, etc., but always needs to borrow money for rent and car payment.

You may suggest something like 'money management for dummies' or something, but to expect a change may be a bit much. I'd just keep the distance and try to avoid discussions about money.
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