This doesn't sound good to me and I need feedback

[PurpleBasil]

We were at a friends' home and they have a almost two year old boy. THey are AP parents, as far as I know (eb, family bed, gentle discipline they say).

They said their boy has had about six months of really difficult behaviors. He pinches the father, 'head butts' him when he is holding him, stuff like that.

The dad and the son were in another room and I was talking with the mom and my kids. I heard, 'God dammit, Josh! No! YOu don't do that, Josh! God, that hurt! That was very bad, Josh! We don't hit!'

The mom of this boy went running into that room and her husband was holding his face (had no mark that I saw, no blood) because he said the boy hit him hard.

Maybe it's my own violent upbringing but when I heard that husband tell his son that, I felt sick. It felt wrong somehow and I can't put my finger on it. He wasn't spanked, the dad reacted to being hit...why am I feeling this way?

[mocha09]

I feel the same way when I hear outbursts of anger like that. I also know that sometimes our gut response to pain is to swear and shout. Maybe the dad was really shocked and at the end of his rope to boot? After 6 months of enduring getting hit and head butted, maybe he is just frustrated after 6 months on how to respond, and this isn't his 'usual' reaction?

[oceanbaby]

Well, I can say that both dh and I have had that exact same reaction when ds has really hurt us after we have been trying to get him to play gently. He's never made us bleed, but a head butt right into the nose, lip or cheekbone can really frickin hurt. Plus, it pisses you off because it's the third time, the first two you were nice about it, and then this time it really hurt and you just can't take it anymore.

We both try hard not to say no, not to yell, not to swear, etc. But sometimes we are just pushed a little too far. We've never hit, but yes, we have said the same things that you heard that dh say.

[AdinaL]

I hate hearing outbursts like that as well. That being said I have been the one to have the outburst. The little boy I babysit was a big head butter. And at 9 months old he was a big boy. He would just slam his head into your face, and I shouted once or twice when it really hurt. Especially the one right across the bridge of the nose. YEOUCH! I think more than anything it was probably surprise and pain. Sometimes when you get hit in the face like that it is hard to modulate what you say and your volume.

[Dar]

It sounds like an honest response to being really hurt to me. I think honest responses like that are fine if they're not overdone. My dad used to saying that swear words were extreme words for extreme situations, and the example you gave sounds like it fits that criteria to me. If this outburst was an unusual occurrence I think it's fine, and probably fairly effective in helping the child see that the behavior is serious.

FWIW, I've exploded on Rain like this. Then I usually leave the room, or ask her to leave, so I can calm down, and then we work it out later.

I can see how the episode would have different associations for you because of your upbringing. Being angry isn't bad, though. It's human, and when you're angry it's honest to sound angry. The dad wasn't hitting back, or name-calling, or characterizing the child as "bad" - he was just angry.

Dar

[sunnmama]

Dd went through a phase about a month ago where she would pull my hair when angry. Did it about 6 times total. Hurt like hell.

My immediate reaction everytime--regardless of where we were or who was there, unfortunately--was "G-dammit let go of my hair!!!!!!!!" It just hurt sooooo-o bad, and that is what came out. I've never said that to her in any other circumstances.

Thank goodness she seems to have outgrown that one......for now.......:

[Katie Bugs Mama]

I'm not proud of this, but I've done the same thing when Kate has hurt me. It's happened a handful of times, always when I'm near the end of my rope and then she accidently does something that hurts me. I think that it's a natural, unthinking reaction. Which, of course, doesn't make it right.

I'd be more concerned about how the father handled the situation after his outburst than the fact that he had an outburst. Did he apologize to his son?

[Red]

Sounds about right to me. Saying "Ouch, oh sweetie, that hurt, please don't hurt Daddy." is fine the first few times. After 6 months, you get a bit frustrated. Head butting hurts, whether it leaves a mark or no. Honest reaction from a loving parent is fine.

[lilyka]

The dad sounds like he is really frustrated at his sons behavior. Dammit was the first swear words my children repeated probably because it is the only one they have ever inspired me to actually shout. It is what people scream when they have been hurt over and over :LOL or when they feel like they are just not getting through. Poor baby poor dad. It doesn't sound like this was a regular occurance. my middle child used my face for target practice with her head and had a habit of biting my nipples hard and has stepped on my boobs 3 times in the last year. She probably heard a few choice words by her 2nd birthday. You try to keep it in and try to keep it down but eventually you just get sick of getting hurt and you mad. Not so much at the child but at what ever in the world happen to make them like this and make you the target of whatever frustrating behavior.

[georgia]

Maybe you are reacting to the anger expressed, and it wasn't meeting your need for gentleness. Since you weren't the one getting hit for the past six months), it's probably easier to have a stronger sense of perspective?

If I were to analyze what the dad said for academic purposes....first, don't tell the child what we DON'T do, tell them what we DO. Also, try and limit the swearing lest it come back at you Finally, attempt to refrain from labeling behavior as good or bad.......I really believe dad's response could have been SO much worse. IMO, it was pretty mild compared to what I've seen in the grocery store

Anyhoo, I had a somewhat violent upbringing myself, and when I hear this stuff, I feel the same way. Sinking stomach. I feel even worse when it comes out of my mouth.

We all have horrible days. I'm in the middle of pinching and biting, so maybe I'm in a different place. It is very hard to take it with a smile, KWIM?

All the best,

[Mothra]

I've done the same thing. You can only be pinched, scratched, and otherwise pulled at so many times before you snap. I've said "Goddammit, stop!" more than once. I really, really try to just leave the room before I get to that point, but when I'm nursing a baby or changing a diaper, I can't always just get up to leave. I always, always apologize, but someone just walking by that happens to catch the "Goddammit!" isn't going to know that.

That said, I know what you are saying. Just try to think about the big picture. Dealing with that type of behavior is really, really difficult and no one is perfect.

[ShabbyChic]

I came back to this thread because it has been bothering me all day today. However, since I was here last there have been a few responses that have mirrored what I wanted to say.

I understand the OPs response to the father's anger and anger can be unsettling at times, but his response sounds like an honest reponse to being hurt. Maybe he could have left out the swear, but I have been head butted and it friggin hurts.

I try to practice gentle discipline, but I am not perfect and I have exploded and I think that with being human comes a myriad of emotions and it is okay to show your child that you are hurt and angry with words not actions.

I am just happy to see when I came back here that others agree that this father was just being real.

[PurpleBasil]

You all have no idea how much your responses have helped me see this situation differently (more accurately and objectively). Thank you so much!

I often project my own childhood fears and hurts onto others and I need to be more aware of this.

We are human, aren't we? and it does hurt to be head butted or hit, etc. I need to extend more kindess and grace to those who are hurt like this dad was.

thanks a lot for all your responses.

[DreamsInDigital]

Playdoh, you are awesome.