dh puched a hole in the wall last night

[taramoon13]

so dh got home from job #2 last night at around 10 and i was already struggling to get ds (3) to sleep, when dh came in the room ds got a second wind and dh volunteered to try and get him to bed while i had a break downstairs. well, ds was not very happy about me leaving (i always put him to bed), but dh got him calmed down and i could hear them upstairs quietly reading or talking on our bed, then i guess dh tried to get ds back in his bed and ds wasn't having it. finally, i hear dh blow up yelling obscenities at ds to "get in the f#*ng bed, etc". i head upstairs because i think it's time to give dh a break and ds is hysterical by then and dh is telling me "don't even come over here because i punched a hole in the wall" (right by ds' bed). i was able to get ds to sleep after after he calmed down by rocking him. it was 11:30 by then.
let me just say the violence from dh doesn't surprise me, he's punched things over the years out of anger, never a person though, and i know he never would. what upsets me most is that every time ds sees that hole by his bed he's going to think of the incident and he's going to have negative feelings toward sleep. today he asked why dad put the hole there and said he didn't want it there.
i know dh is very upset about it, i haven't even talked to him all day today after he left for work this morning and he works late again tonight.
anyone had similar experiences? the while thing is so frustrating and saddening

[Violet2]

The thing that strikes me is it sounds like everyone is stressed and tired. So I would work on that angle first. When we feel better, we do better.

My family tends to run hot like that. My father has broken things (once meticulously destroyed a brand new bookcase that wouldn't assemble properly) as well as his siblings.

He never hit us or anyone else and, thankfully, smashing things was not routine (although always memorable and inappropriate).

I would use this as an opportunity with your DS to talk about anger and anger management. And your DH should apologize to your DS.

I would brainstorm with your DH ways you guys can destress and come up with some alternate behaviors your DH can turn to when he feels like punching holes in the wall.



V

[laohaire]

Everyone is going to freak out and tell you to leave him, but anyway. Will your DH consider medications to reduce anxiety and depression? They can have a very good effect on helping him deal with anger.

The scene you described seemed kind of a perfect storm of sorts - getting off of a second job and dealing with kids and sleep. While we had no holes punched in walls, I will say freely that DH and I had some of the worst fights of our marriage trying to get DD to go to sleep. It was AWFUL. We were at the end of our ropes, all the time. Sleep deprived, no downtime, and a kiddo who just would. not. sleep.

[Cascadian]

Originally Posted by laohaire

The scene you described seemed kind of a perfect storm of sorts - getting off of a second job and dealing with kids and sleep. While we had no holes punched in walls, I will say freely that DH and I had some of the worst fights of our marriage trying to get DD to go to sleep. It was AWFUL. We were at the end of our ropes, all the time. Sleep deprived, no downtime, and a kiddo who just would. not. sleep.

[Marsupialmom]

I have to agree with laohaire. I think sadly this was a perfect storm for a lot of bad behavior.

I would be honest with your child. His behavior was no more right than your dh behavior. I would approach it as both being wrong and daddy being sorry. He shouldn't have hit the wall. Yet, your child should be told what his expected behavior should be. Just like when they go into the store it helps to know what behaviors that is being asked of them. Of course he won't always do it but you can encourage the right behavior.

When my dh worked two jobs for us, I would assess HOW tired he was because he at times was too tired to make the judgement call. He just wanted to be with his kids and would try to squeeze in as much as possible. My dh never hit anything but I could see for some.

No amount of meds or therapy will help if he is over tired. I would work on setting up the situation to be positive experience for you all. I found these times being a family instead of solo helped keep everyones head cool.

[babydanielsmom]

I'm sure you"ll get all sorts of replies on here but here's my 2 cents worth. First he sounds very tired and very stressed out. Just wondering how many hours a day does your DH work? I am guessing it's quite a few b/c he's working two jobs. Could you guys sit down together (after the lo is asleep) and figure out how to help him deal w/ the stress. You know, like find a different second job, have your Ds already asleep when he gets home... etc

IMO, your Dh was trying to do a good thing by giving you a break by putting you Ds to bed but it got out all control b/c he was already stressed/tired kwim. Try to think of this as a learning opportunity for everyone. You & DH can work out the stress/anger issues. Dh can talk to your Ds about how it was wrong for him to punch the wall and everyone does stuff they regret. Hope you guys have a peaceful evening

[NiteNicole]

Lack of sleep makes people crazy and tempers short. I had the kid that wouldn't sleep when she was, IMO, way too old for it. Bedtime often made me angry and I wasn't just coming home from a job. It's frustrating when you really have no tools beyond begging and everyone needs sleep.

Can I recommend Sleepless in America? It helped us a LOT.

[K1329]

I would be sure to fix the hole. Don't leave it there for ds to look at long term. Someone at a hardware store could give you basic instruction, I'm sure, if you don't know how to do it or don't want to pay for someone else to do it. My dh taught himself basic sheetrock and I've even done a little of it myself.

[rightkindofme]

I'm thrilled that so far this thread is understanding of being completely overtired.

First: fix the hole. It's really not hard. There are all kinds of online tutorials or your local hardware store guys can talk you through it.

Second: I've made more than my share of holes in walls during temper tantrums (that's why I know how to fix sheetrock ) and I don't think I'm a dangerous or unstable person. I don't hit people. I'm not abusive. I sometimes am not awesome at dealing with my completely overwhelming feelings.

Third: how can you work on letting your husband get more sleep? Sounds like that might be one of the best things for everyone.

[CarrieMF]

Some people deal with stress & tiredness is what seems to be more violent ways without actually ever hitting another person.

When I get stressed out I like to break things & since that isn't always acceptable I like to throw things. My preference would be to go in a gym & throw/chuck basketballs at the walls(I work in a school). If I can't do that I like to go to the gym, run, or an exercise class & beat my body up through exercise.

As for the wall if you can't fix it right away, put a poster or calender over the hole so it can't be seen.

[taramoon13]

thanx for all of the supportive replies. i also failed to mention in my op that ds is having a REALLY stressful time at job #1 right now, so yes the incident was very much from stress and lack of sleep. as far as fixing the hole our friend/neighbor is a contractor and dh has already asked him for help.
dh always says someone needs to invent something that you can really hit hard to release stress, of course he has a punching bag

[Tway]

Our DD has been a pretty lousy sleeper since birth, and although she's better she still has her off days. I'm not proud to say that I've punched the bed a few times in the middle of the night, after being kept awake for hours upon hours for days in a row. The frustration was overwhelming and I let it out. Wish I could have taken a breather, but as PPs said, sleep deprivation makes you do crazy things.

It sounds like you need to regroup as a family and find ways to take some stress out of your lives. I don't know the first thing about your situation, but perhaps consider making some hard choices that will mean less $$ and more peace, if you can. It sounds like your family is going through a rough time, and it doesn't sound at all, to me, like your DH is anything but a loving spouse and parent who had a very bad day.

Good luck to you and give yourself a well-deserved break.

[babydanielsmom]

I was thinking about this thread earlier and a thought popped into my head...

Is there any way you can involve you Ds in helping fix the drywall? Might just be a good way for DH & DS to bond a little over the whole incident. Just a thought

[A&A]

I'd make my dh promise that such a thing would never happen again. And then I'd hold him to it. Honestly the language he used toward your ds would bother me as much as the hole.

[Hoopin' Mama]

The yelling and punching the hole immediatelys sounds really shocking to me.
Then I remembered: I've thought those words in my head, while my jaw was clenched. I have walked into the other room to throw things as hard as I could.

Your dh needs to learn or relearn how to hold those things back. Talk to him gently and figure out what he needs to do that. He sounds like a hard worker. And it's okay to tell our kids we messed up and we're sorry.

[mrspineau]

I would be more concerned that every time that he looks at the hole by his head that he's going to have negative feelings towards his father, not sleep. I think that your dh sounds like he has some major anger problems and should get some help for that.

[A&A]

Also I think that your dh needs to apologize to your son.

[Storm Bride]

I think your dh should apologize to your son and the hole should be fixed. Aside from that, honestly - I'd just talk to him about maybe not trying to give you a break like that when he's so utterly exhausted. It's very sweet, but sleep deprivate, stress and overwork can have some pretty shocking effects on a person's stability.

[Anastasiya]

I don't think her DH has anger issues. I think her DH is overworked and overtired, and with stress added to that it's a good thing all he did was swear and punch a hole in the wall! She never said he does this every time he's angry, or that he's always losing his cool. She did say it's not a first, and as ridiculous as it seems to be punching holes in walls, sometimes that's the best way a guy can think to quickly release that anger.

Then again, my DH has put about four holes in our walls during our marriage, and usually at times when he's at his worst with sleeplessness and stress. Sure, it makes me mad, but I thank God he's not hitting the kids. Nor would he, ever.

And yeah, Hoopin' Mama, I've been there too.

[AbbieB]

Originally Posted by A&A

I'd make my dh promise that such a thing would never happen again. And then I'd hold him to it. Honestly the language he used toward your ds would bother me as much as the hole.

I don't think it's fair to make someone promise that they will never get mad and loose it. Humans get mad and act out when under a lot of stress and dealing with lack of sleep. It sounds like in the OP's husband's family, this kind of thing is what they do.

I've had less then proud parenting moments where this kind of language came out of me. I vent/process verbally so sometimes I cuss like a sailor.

I think that, like others have said, the situation the OP described is understandable. An honest, heartfelt apology and an open ended discussion about dealing with strong emotions would be my suggestion. I like to teach my kids that everyone makes mistakes, everyone has low points and bad days. What's important is the way we move on and what we learn from it.