Am I Being a Jerk Re: Visiting Family?

[HaikuMommy]

I need some perspective. I think I may be hormonally-challenged right now, and I'm not sure if I'm seeing this situation clearly. Please give me your two cents!

Some background: We live in a tiny one-bedroom apartment right now. All four of us (2 yo DD, 1 month old DD, DH and me) share 700 sq. feet. We all sleep in one small room, with baby in a bassinet on the left side, mommy and daddy in a queen bed, and 2yo in a toddler bed on the right side. 2yo usually climbs into our bed at some point in the night. Baby wakes 3 times a night on average, and I often take her to the living room to nurse on the couch when the bed is crowded.

The situation: DH's dad is in town and wants to sleep on our sofa. I think we are too pinched and I'm still too overwhelmed with the 2 babes. I am tandem breastfeeding and the thought of having no privacy unless I go in the bedroom makes me feel claustrophobic. I only gave birth a month ago and I'm still adjusting, as is our 2 yo. There are other relatives in the area, I'm not sure why he couldn't stay with them. We already have plans to get together while he is in town, I just had no idea he was going to want to stay with us.

I was pretty bitchy about it when this idea was sprung on me by DH this morning (his dad would be coming tonight!) and I don't know if I am being unreasonable. When his dad asked to stay here, DH told him that our apt was only 700 sq feet. His dad said "I don't mind." I thought to myself, maybe YOU don't mind, but I do! Am I being a jerk?

[laohaire]

You're not a jerk. Your DH needs to nicely tell his dad that right now is not going to work for putting up guests, and that you guys would be happy to have him some other time. I don't even think this should be a debate, this is really asking too much of you (though I also completely believe that your FIL has no idea how much he's putting you out - give him some slack, but that doesn't mean give in to him).

[HaikuMommy]

Thanks for your reply, laohaire. At least I know I'm not crazy! I just found out that my father-in-law only wants to stay on our sofa for tonight only and he will be going elsewhere to stay by tomorrow evening. But he also is not renting a car while he is in town, and is expecting us to drive him around today and tomorrow (including picking him up 100 miles away today, and dropping him off 100 miles away tomorrow). We only have one car. I am going to bite the bullet and be cool for two days because he is Grandpa, but it is annoying to find all this out at the last minute.

[laughymama]

Noooo. Nope. Nada. Not happening.

Unless we had a huge house with a totally separate wing for guests I would not be okay with visitors this soon after baby. I have a 2 year old and he will need time to adjust and I know how hard it is transitioning to a new little person...a guest on top of that? In 700 square feet? No thank you.

Oh gosh and now he wants you to drive him around? ...I'm a meanie. I would tell him to call a taxi.

I'm glad he's only staying one night. You are a better woman than I.

[HaikuMommy]

Here is a complication that will boggle your mind!

When we move to Maui on December 1st, DH's dad will become his boss! He is a very strong personality that my DH has trouble saying "no" to, or having boundaries with (obviously).

Before you think, "How nice, Grandpa is giving his son a job to help out the new family" -- he's planning on paying DH very little, definitely less than the person DH will be replacing. We are going for it because we really want to live on Maui (especially DH) and jobs are scarce.

[laughymama]

Sounds like my DH's bio-mom.

I just don't get it when people are like that. I'm all about fair treatment but paying him less? It makes no sense. I would think since it's his child he'd have a hard time not overpaying him. But maybe I'm just a big softie and a sucker. It's just weird when parents are like that.

...But Maui? That sounds heavenly!

[HaikuMommy]

Yeah, my own mom once bought a leather sofa for $100, then sold it to me for $300. I don't really get that, trying to make a profit off your own child. I'd have given it to my daughter for free, or at most just ask her to reimburse me the money I paid for it. I do realize there comes a time when you are getting older and your own income opportunities lag, where you may need to focus on taking care of yourself, or even ask your adult kids for help. I just think my father-in-law tends to think of how he can personally benefit in EVERY situation. He's a nice guy, but an entrepreneur through-and-through, ya know? I try to keep an open mind and heart about him, since he is the grandfather to my girls.

[dannic]

Um, no. I live in less than 700 sq feet with a family of six right now. I just don't think people should expect to stay with someone that soon after having a baby. A baby is an adjustment and mama, papa, and other siblings don't need that added stress...

Now if you had invited him, that'd be different because YOU invited him, KWIM?

Sheesh. GL. glad it's only for one night.

[MyFillingQuiver]

I'm with Dannic..as usual...

Having a newborn is a big adjustment...even if you were in a huge home with lots of escape space, it is YOUR home. I'm kind of old school in that I see the women as the gate keeper of the home..meaning that the home is your refuge and your space...generally it's great to be hospitable, but there are times when mama needs a bit of protection and privacy..

In Biblical times, from what I understand, people left the new family completely alone and brought food for the family so they could simply enjoy the baby and recover. I don't know why we've lost that.

[secondimpression]

He's expecting way too much! And this is coming from a mother of 2 who lives in a fairly large house (at least by working class standards) WITH a guest apartment in the basement and 3 vehicles between DP and I. We have family coming in from out of state and thankfully they're all finding their own accomodations and not expecting us to provide room, board and transportation. They also don't expect to be entertained beyond watching a younger toddler run wild. I know we're lucky, but if we did have someone like your FIL, I'm sure my DP would politely suggest a rental car place and a local hotel

[nmelanson]

I'm in agreement with all the posts! I was furious that FIL stayed in our house univited when we were still in hospital! We live in a similar situation <500sq' house w/ 1 bedroom and two kids. If FIL came to stay right now (DS2 is 7 wks) I would make everyone around's life misery b/c I wouldn't be able to contain my emotions about it. As a side note, this could be b/c I can't STAND FIL. Regardless, I don't think anyone expect to stay with you in such a small space at this time.

[nmelanson]

Ha ha - we should have a FIL rant thread..... I could write a novel

[HaikuMommy]

So the one night I agreed to became 2 nights. I am posting from my phone in the bedroom where I am holed up to breastfeed most of the time. on the bright side, 2yo LOVES grandpa and is thrilled he is here. I'm glad he and DH are getting time together too.

I read a quote I liked recently: "Live. Fully. Make mistakes. Take risks. And cherish your family, your friends, and your health." Family is worth a little discomfort. But no 3rd night, grandpa!