How do I keep the fear from running my life?

[babygrey]

I need a good mama-wisdom circle here. (long, sorry)

I'm almost 9wks pg. I've had bleeding since, oh, day 1, really. I have a subchorionic hematoma near baby A. This week, the bleeding has increased and I have been bleeding like AF.

I had a US yesterday and the babies are growing well with strong HBs (as they have been on all the USs I've already had). I've even been able to home-doppler one of the HBs fairly consistently (just one, tho).

The SCH is more diffuse, which the peri said meant it was probably resolving. She did say I'm not out of the woods, and that I might bleed for a long time, as my SCH was initially fairly large.

After seeing both healthy babies, I feel like I should be breathing easier or at least more able to surrender to what will be, but I just can't. I'm paralyzed by fear of losing one or both of these babies. Every time I see blood (which is a lot), I cry. I just want to stay in bed and sleep so I don't have to think about it. I'm not able to emotionally connect to these babies like I have been with my other DC. I don't want to think of their birth, because what if I don't get there? I haven't and don't want to tell anyone I'm pg (even tho I could REALLY use the help w/ DD) bc I'm afraid I'll lose them. I haven't chosen a care provider bc I don't want to make it real (I'm seeing an OB right now that the ER referred me to, I know I don't want to deliver w/ her).
Ugh.

It is so strange, I had bleeding w/ DD, but I never was an emotional wreck like this. I was totally able to be zen about it. and that was only 2 years ago- I have no idea what is different this time. I feel like the good outcome of her pregnancy should make me feel better, but it doesn't...

Also- I had an early loss 12 years ago when I was very young (didn't know I was pg until I was bleeding). It never really emotionally affected me, I haven't even really thought about it until recently- never in my other pregnancies- but it keeps coming up for me.

Really, the fear of losing these babies is running my life and I don't know what to do.

Can anyone offer advice?
Thanks for letting me put this out there.

[Aliy]

i thnk one of the best things you can do honestly is talk to someone tell them you are pregnant. it might help and then someone else will know.
I can understand the worry really ( due to personal issues) I wonderf nearly everyday if everything is going to be okay. I wish i had an at home doppler to check the heartbeat but I have to make due with when i see my practionar.

Honestly i would do things to make this pregnancy real. get a care provider tell people ( close people that could help, not tell the world) commit yourself to the pregnancy. I haven't experinced the bleeding with a still live babay( i have miscarried) But i do know some women who have had lots of trouble. I hope some one here can help you. this is a very hard thing to go through.

[DanielleT]

I completely understand how you're feeling, that's the way i feel with this pregnancy...I'm not bleeding with this pregnancy but i was with my last which was twins and i had a massive SCH but before i knew that i told everyone (well family) and i was already attached and we were thinking of names and everything but sadly i lost mine...and now this pregnancy i am like you living in fear of "what if"...
I have read ALOT of stories of other women who have had very similar stories and honestly there are more sucess stories than not...take it easy, rest when you can and just take it day by day...I know easier said than done!

[caseykn]

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I'm sorry this is happening to you! I had a subchorionic hematoma this pregnancy too and had a TON of bleeding around 11 weeks and then slightly lighter bleeding/spotting for many weeks after that. I can totally relate to you. I'd cry at work in the bathroom when I saw blood and felt like I was scared the whole time. I recommend that you find a midwife/OB that you like as I think that can really help. I had just chosen a midwife, and had my 1st real appointment with her just the day before my huge bleeding incident. She was so calm and optimistic during the whole scary incident that it really helped calm me. She definitely treated it with the seriousness it warranted but was always optimistic that all was fine and the chance of having a bad outcome was so slim that it wasn't worth worrying about, even as I was in her office bleeding through my heavy-duty pad. She recommended accupuncture and I went weekly for several weeks. I can't say if it helped or not but eventually I DID stop bleeding and it was nice to feel like I was doing something to possibly help my body. Also, I had several people tell me that the bleeding was good- it meant that my body was being purged of the blood that had built up, meaning it was less likely that it was continuing to accumulate and get bigger. I know it's SO hard to see bleeding during pregnancy as a good thing but maybe that'll help you a little.

Are you familiar with hypnobabies? I did their homestudy during my 1st pregnancy and it includes a cd of pregnancy affirmations. You may be able to download just that track from their website. I started listening to it and it really helped my brain to start accepting that my baby was fine, even through the bleeding. It helped me relax when I'd start to feel overwhelmed and scared about my situation.

I pray your bleeding stops soon and your hematoma resolves itself!

[caseykn]

I want to add that telling people might help too. When I finally shared what was going on with friends, I found out that a lot of women I knew had had similar bleeding and their babies were all fine. It helped to hear so many positive stories. Even if your family/friends don't have such experiences, just having the support of others is really nice.

[sarahkristin]

I understand how you feel. The whole time I was pregnant with dd, I had the sinking feeling that something was going to go wrong. I could never really connect with her because I had the feeling that I was never going to get to hold her. The 20 week ultrasound really helped for a while, but like a honeymoon, it wore off. This time, I don't feel pregnant at all, and it worries me. I haven't had one single appointment yet, so no comfort in hearing a heartbeat or having a midwife check me.

But... I've started feeling better. My mantra, anytime I start to go down hill, is "my body knows how to carry a baby." I also like to take a few minutes every day to just sit and think about being pregnant and the baby. Kinda like meditating, if that is your thing.

One last thing. This definitely isn't for everyone, but I've gotten to the point where I know there is nothing I can do to prevent a spontaneous miscarriage. If it happens, it happens. But I can't dwell on that, because all the worry in the world can't stop it. But I CAN prepare my mind and body to help it have a healthy pregnancy.

I hope this helps and I pray that your bleeding stops soon. I hope I haven't offend you or anyone reading. Take it easy, and go easy on yourself too.

[minkajane]

I totally feel ya. I'm 8 weeks and I had a bit of dark red spotting yesterday and one tiny clot. DH totally freaked and is still freaking even though it stopped after a couple of hours. It took us two years and a TON of fertility treatments to get pregnant. Everybody knows already. I don't know what I'd do if something happened. I had a LOT more bleeding with DS, tons of brown blood, and it didn't freak me out like this time. Maybe it's because it took so much more work to get pregnant again?

I wish I knew what to tell you except that you're not alone. I don't know what to do for myself to stop the freakouts. I guess I'll feel better after Monday because we're getting an ultrasound. Other than that, all I can give us .

[alireb]

Big hugs! I'm in a similar boat. I had a m/c earlier this year and also have a SCH that I found out about a week ago. It's been so hard for me to connect to this pregnancy b/c I'm so worried I'm going to lose it. We've seen the heartbeat and everything seems fine now, but I have been so much more worried this pregnancy than I was with my son. It really stinks. We've told parents and siblings but no one else yet and it is hard.

My sis did have a SCH with her 2nd daughter and bled for weeks and all turned out well. I also have a friend who had one with her daughter and same thing. So I try to find reassurance in their stories.

[GuildJenn]

I'm with you too. I'm on house arrest, I mean bedrest for heavy bleeding right now (18 weeks) and I can't be zen about it. It is on my mind a lot.

I've had lots of early miscarriages but they were more abstract. And 'cause I lost my daughter I guess I'm hyperaware that things can go wrong. But so far so good, let's hope it stays that way for both of us.

I did want to say that I didn't connect with my son's pregnancy for a long time because of losing my daughter. On some level I don't think either my DH or I thought we would be bringing a baby home. As soon as he was out safe - and I mean the very minute - we were so tightly bonded. So go easy on yourself about how you "should" or "should not" feel. But definitely *do* the things you should like rest and eat properly with plenty of iron, etc. Take care of you.

[kalamos23]

((((hugs)))) Bleeding is actually really good - I just read a study of SCHs and the ones with SCHs AND vaginal bleeding had almost the exact same odds as women with no SCH or bleeding whatsoever, so it is actually really good news that you are bleeding. If you want, I can pull up the study for you.

[crayfishgirl]

I'm sorry you're going through this babygrey. To second kalamos and others, the specialist my sister had with her pretty big SCH told her bleeding is good because it releases pressure that would otherwise be put on your babes, and reduces clotting/scarring that can affect the placenta. Her son is 9 months now and perfectly normal.

As for the anxiety and fear....it can be all consuming. My last pregnancy ended in miscarriage and it was devastating. Although we were actively trying to conceive again, early in this pregnancy I very much tried to distance myself from it (which was probably why I didn't test until so late). The MC was confirmed on what would have been my first prenatal appnt, so with this pregnancy I just wasn't going to make one. I wasn't going to think about being pregnant, or having a baby in March, or a sibling for my daughter...nothing that would potentially add to the heartache of a lost baby. As I got farther along though I realized that I would be no less devastated if this pregnancy ended badly if I was distant than if I embraced being pregnant and my growing babe. Although I never new the baby I lost, I cherish the time that I was pregnant with her (I feel it was a girl even though I have no way of knowing that) and even though I was crushed beyond imaginable when I miscarried, I wouldn't change the fact that I was pregnant....I don't know if that makes any sense, and I know that time has helped me realize this.

The wonderful women on the pregnancy after loss forum often provide advice for dealing with anxiety, and two suggestions come up frequently. The first, focus on today and being pregnant today....I am pregnant today, today my babes have strong, healthy heartbeats. The second is that reminding yourself that worrying and being anxious won't prevent something bad from happening, and having hope and optimism won't make something bad happen. I have definitely embraced the first suggestion and try to celebrate the fact that I am pregnant today. If something were to happen I would still be thoroughly heartbroken, but I'm trying to make sure that I don't experience the heartbreak before anything actually occurs (and that's what I felt like when I was constantly steeling myself for a loss).

All that said, I'm not seeing blood on a regular basis, which must be utterly frightening. I hope that as your SCH heals this will decrease and you'll feel more confidence that your little ones will continue to be strong. I hope too that you can find a way to get to a better place. I don't think the anxiety ever truly goes away, but hopefully you can get to a place where its not debilitating. Gentle hugs....

[GuildJenn]

Originally Posted by kalamos23

((((hugs)))) Bleeding is actually really good - I just read a study of SCHs and the ones with SCHs AND vaginal bleeding had almost the exact same odds as women with no SCH or bleeding whatsoever, so it is actually really good news that you are bleeding. If you want, I can pull up the study for you.

I'm not the OP but I would really appreciate it myself.

[kalamos23]

Here's the study - I was a little off, the women with vaginal bleeding and an SCH had about double the risk of the ones without any but more than half the risk of ones with no bleeding.

http://drafin.netfirms.com/subchorionic.htm

[GuildJenn]

Originally Posted by kalamos23

Here's the study - I was a little off, the women with vaginal bleeding and an SCH had about double the risk of the ones without any but more than half the risk of ones with no bleeding.

http://drafin.netfirms.com/subchorionic.htm

Thank you so much.

[minkajane]

I saw my RE today and he showed me something on the ultrasound that set my mind at ease and maybe it will help you. He showed me where the placenta was and the edge of it was just over the opening of the cervix. This is why I had those drop of dark red blood and that little clot. He also showed me where there was another clot and told me that I might have a bit more spotting, possibly even more significant bleeding, and that it was the weight of the growing baby pressing down on the placenta that was causing the spotting. He said it should stop as the uterus grows and the placenta moves up out of the way of the cervix.

It was nice to have an explanation of why we were having red bleeding (and to see that the baby was ok!). I hope things are working out for you.

[mamaki]

I'm also in a similar boat to you and I think about the same stage of pregnancy (9wks+1day today). I had some very heavy bright red bleeding yesterday and am still bleeding, though it is now light and brown. I'm not sure if I have a SCB or it could be caused by a multitude of other things. I know exactly how you feel about being afraid when you go to the bathroom, wiping etc. It's the most terrifying thing to see blood, especially bright red blood when you're pregnant.

A few of my close friends know what is going on, and honestly I really value their support. Think about the people you'd tell if you had a miscarriage - and I think it's important to tell some people for support. Those are the people you should feel comfortable confiding in. Miscarriage is such a common occurrence - a good number of my friends have had them. So if you have friends you can talk to about your feelings you will probably feel better, having that support. I know it has been immensely helpful to me.

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