Co-sleeping is lonely

[memyselfandmarie]

We have a king size bed, 21 month old and a 4 year old. I have slept with them their whole lives. My husband sleeps alone in a queen size bed. We plan on moving the kids into that bed one day, maybe. He doesn't sleep with us because he doesn't have enought room.
We have sacrificed so much in our lives to be the parents we want to be. I feel like I am now sacrifing my relationship with my husband. My 21 month old nurses to sleep and continues to nurse several times during the night. My 4 year old sleeps well and sometimes sleeps with his Dad, but I would rather that he is in bed with me. I tell my husband that I miss having time with him at night and he basically states, " You wanted to co-sleep."
This is more about relationship problems then co-sleeping. I don't know what advice I want. Would it help to kick my kids out of bed? I don't think so.

[flower01]

Hugs. I don't think cosleeping should be lonely. And I believe the best thing we can do for our kids, is make our marriage our first priority. Cosleeping is really important to both DH and I, but when the kids slepe issues start effecting our marriage, we stop and talk about how to fix it. My kids are not good sleepers. I think cosleeping is what allows us to get any sleep. We are transitioning our 3 year old DD into her own room right now. For the past few months she has slept in her own room, with DH laying with her to fall asleep. DH joins me and the baby in our King bed. DD usually comes in to join all of us sometime during the night. Most of the time I'm not even aware of it. But, we've really taken a gradual approach. We don't push DD into her own room, we've just made it enticing, but made sure she knows she is always welcome back. I think if she is still wanting to join us at age 4, we would have her sleep on a mat next to our bed.

[rzberrymom]

When my DD got older we put a little bed for her right next to ours--we bought a platform frame for ourselves so that her little bed would almost be at the same height as our bed. Many many cultures co-sleep like this--moving out of the bed doesn't need to mean moving to another room.

That's also around the age I nightweaned my DD. It helped tremendously to have my DH snuggle her back to sleep, and I think it brought them closer together.

[tibeca]

When DH and I decided to cosleep, the number 1 rule was that we would not sleep apart, unless it was a noise issue with a new baby.

For us, we planned on just adding more beds to our room, until there was no more room. Right now we have a queen size bed and a crib mattress on the floor. DH, DD1 (2yo) and I all sleep in the queen size bed, with DD1 starting out on the crib mattress. We are expecting DD2 in November. DH and I have already decided this set-up is too small and are trying to decide between purchasing an additional mattress the same height as our current queen, or just butting up an additional mattress we already own but is a different height. We feel like a twin size would make the additional room we need now, but aren't sure if DD1 would be out of our bed by the time we plan for a 3rd baby (obviously not for some time).

Can you try adding another bed, even if not all lined up? Perhaps one of your DC wouldn't mind sleeping there?

Good luck getting DH back in bed with you all.

[mommato5]

I am going to be the odd man out here. Co-sleeping is not worth sacrificing a marriage for. Our spouses were here before those kids and, with the proper work/attitude, will be there after the kids leave. Your husband is not happy, so, what are YOU going to do to fix this??

[violetjb]

I cosleep with my daughter 3.5yrs old and son 1.5 yrs old. Since our second was born, my husband has slept in a different room.
I have always been very content with this arrangement The point of co-"sleeping" for me is that we all get the most sleep possible. If I were in bed with my husband, I would want to be sleeping as well. Parenting is exhausting

My husband was resistant to the idea of me cosleeping with the kids in a different room, but agreed to give it a try so we could get better sleep. I have found that he is more content with the arrangement if I make an effort to spend time with him during the day. We cuddle on the couch for some time each evening while the kids play with their toys or watch a video. We also make time frequently to be intimate. This intimate time doesn't have to occur at night (and in our house usually doesn't)

Talk to your husband and see what it is he really misses about having you in bed with him, and brainstorm ideas about how you can make up for what he is missing during the day.

[Maluhia]

I think it is a marital issue rather than a co-sleeping one. You two need to find time to be together even if it is not while sleeping, or put those two beds together and create an even larger bed for your whole family to fit into

[SeattleRain]

Mama, that sounds so hard. There are points in my marriage where for religious reasons where my husband and I sleep in seperate beds (and sometimes in seperate rooms) and it is SO hard on us. I think you need to take heed in Dr. Sears' advice that cosleeping needs to be a decision based on the needs of ALL of the family and that includes your husband. It's not okay to simply keep going on with the status quo with your husband unhappy, even if your kids are happy and even if you're happy. Perhaps look into a sidecar crib or adding more beds into the mix to get more bedsharing space. Remember, cosleeping doesn't just have to be the family bed, it can also mean everyone in one room.

[Gnatty]

It definitely sounds to me like something needs to change... can you stay awake until the kiddos are asleep and join your husband? Or start them off in the queen and join him? Even if your younger one needs to join you in the night, or you need to go back to them, at least you've spent part of the night together. You can leave the baby monitor on if you don't think you'll hear the little one wake up.

We would not cosleep if it meant that my husband and I couldn't sleep in the same bed. We've had some squished nights, with both of us and a two and one year old in a queen bed (with a rail, which helps), but if we were having to sleep separately we would definitely make changing that a priority.

[D_McG]

Originally Posted by mommato5

I am going to be the odd man out here. Co-sleeping is not worth sacrificing a marriage for. Our spouses were here before those kids and, with the proper work/attitude, will be there after the kids leave. Your husband is not happy, so, what are YOU going to do to fix this??

agree!
My kids are the same age. A 4 year old is plenty old enough to sleep alone, IMO. Or sleep wherever you need them to, I guess. Mine sleeps in his own bed most of the time. Would he prefer to sleep with me? Yes. But that's OK. We all want things we can't have. It's not the end of the world. He got over it.

My little girl is about the same age as your younger one, too. She does sleep with me but is weaned and we're about to move her out, too.

I slept with my oldest apart from my husband when he was a newborn for a little while until we got a king sized bed. I HATED it. It just felt 'wrong'.

I make no apologies for it! DH and I sleeping together comes first. We fit the children in around that need. For us, sleeping separately would be a crisis situation solution. And IMO kids that age are definitely at a point where you are out of crisis mode (at least, you don't mention anything that makes me think otherwise).

So - take control of your sleeping situation! Time for change.

[Harmony08]

Originally Posted by Maluhia

I think it is a marital issue rather than a co-sleeping one. You two need to find time to be together even if it is not while sleeping, or put those two beds together and create an even larger bed for your whole family to fit into

I have to agree with this. There are so many ways to make the co sleeping thing work if both parents are willing. Are you sure that your husband isn't resentful of your desire to co sleep with your children? It kinda seems like he is not on board and is sort of punishing you in a way. Is that too harsh???