When DP isn't on board

[MamaRuga]

Well, it isn't that my DH isn't open to GD, it is just that he isn't interested in taking the time to find out what that means. Things are often very black and white for him and he can have a hard time understanding that children are different than adults. He has no time or interest in learning about child development and different approaches to discipline. And when I bring it up for discussion he just doesn't want to talk about it.

So, my question is, how do you navigate things in your home if your partner isn't really interested in thinking through discipline? I strive to use GD, although I am certainly not perfect. Most of all, I want to be very conscious about the values that I want to bring out in my DD and model the behavior that I'd like her to use.

But my husband doesn't have this as a goal. He yells loudly very easily (even over things that are accidents or things that are really not big deals at all). He uses age inappropriate consequences and threats that are not directly linked to the behavior that he wants to change. And he likes to act in childish ways which he means playfully but I am uncomfortable with (like saying "mine, mine, mine" when he wants something or "I'm number One! I'm number One!" when he gets something he wanted).

To his defense, I can also see how very controlling and perfectionist I am in parenting (mostly because I feel really that it is all on my shoulders) and I am trying to lighten up so that he can gain confidence and feel more respected as a parent.

I'm struggling here, though, because I'm afraid that my desire for a conscious approach to discipline is canceled out by his lack of interest in doing things differently.

I am sure that this isn't a unique situation. How do others work with it?

[phathui5]

I don't think that his lack of interest cancels out what you're trying to do. What came to mind reading your post was "You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar." I think you'll have better luck being kind/gentle with him in terms of getting him to come around than if you let yourself be critical of him.

It's good that you're trying to lighten up. I would totally let the "childish" stuff go. My kids like it when dh is playful with them.

[MamaRuga]

Yes, lightening up and giving him more space will probably help. It is just hard to let go of things sometime, though.

Yesterday DD (2.5 yo) knocked something over by accident. DH was really upset by it and screamed at the top of his lungs. He didn't yell at her specifically, but the volume said enough in itself. I felt really bad for her since she didn't do it on purpose.

I feel really caught between wanting to let him find his own way and wanting to protect my daughter. Plus, I don't want her to learn to yell and scream and curse when she is angry.

[mamaofthree]

my dh has never read a single thing that i have offered him to read. we will sometimes talk, he is open to that... but you know if it is out of line then i call him on it. not in front of the kids, but i do say something, just like if i am having a bad day and i yell, i expect someone to say "hey chill!" to me. i don't feel it is controlling to talk about parenting and discuss when someone is maybe being out of line. that is why it is co-parenting. so we do alot of talking.
if my dh wasn't open to talking, i would do it anyway. lol he wasn't always open to hearing me say things. he still isn't sometimes. but I NEVER do it in front of the kids, i always say something like "hey honey can i ask you something" and then we talk about it. honestly sometimes i am pretty upset because i feel sometimes he is completely out of line but i do try and stay calm and point things out to him in a way that it is more learning and not so much me lecturing him.
i don't think it works well in a home when both parents aren't at least in the same book if not the same page. an example from my life is dh is always saying NO. for the weirdest things. pretty much every request is NO. if the kids whine enough he will give in. i have mentioned to him that if he isn't sure about the request then just tell them "i will think about it" and really think about it, then tell them what you think and why. i say no the kids know i mean it, because i don't say no alot and when i do i have a reason. they no longer listen to dh when he says no. he gets really mad about it, but i have said "don't say no unless you mean it". it is hard for the kids to know if he is serious or not, so they are forever pushing and honestly alot of the time i think he just says it without thinking.

i have no idea if this is even helpful. lol i got rambling there.

h