Gender disappointment - Page 2

[Adaline'sMama]

I didnt find out because I did really want a boy, and I was too afraid of being disapointed. When she was born I held her in my arms for over three minutes before I heard someone refer to her a "she". It was only then that I pulled her away from me enough to look and see that she was a girl. By that moment ,I loved her so very much that I didnt care at all that it wasnt what I had orignially wanted.

[lifeguard]

I think it is something that could vary from person to person but ime knowing ahead of time gives you time to really except & then get excited for the baby that is coming.

A friend of mine didn't find out with her first & really wanted a girl. She was visibly disappointed for weeks after he was born & I still feel it affected how she bonded with him & he's now 6.

It took us 6 years to get pregnant & I'll admit I did want a boy. We found out & I was mildly disappointed at first but by the time he arrived I was head over heels in love & totally excited about a boy. I think my reservations about a boy were that I was worried I wouldn't know what to do with a boy 'cause I know girls so well.

[orange_mommy]

Just wanted to clarify that I am elated to be having a baby, whether it's a boy or a girl. I think something that's difficult though is that gender preference is frowned upon, to the point where I see people who clearly desire to have a baby of a certain gender lying and saying "I don't care, I just care that I have a healthy baby" because it's the "right thing" to say. I think we should be grateful that we are having a baby, period. But I also think it's ok to admit that you are hoping for something, because it doesn't mean you are going to love the baby any less if it is different than you expected. Just as people say "I hope my baby has curly hair", and it doesn't mean they will love a baby with straight hair any less, you know?
I hear a lot of people saying that you will bond with the baby at birth either way so it's beneficial to wait until birth to find out, however I feel you can bond just as strongly when the baby is still in the womb. For me, the moment of realization and super strong bonding came during my first pregnancy at about the 5th month if I remember right, and I went to the doctor with a rash that they thought might be rubella. The doctor freaked out because she was pregnant and thought her baby could be harmed too. I spent a whole day (until the next day when I found out it was a normal pregnancy rash) not knowing if my baby was going to be ok. At that moment, all I could think was "I love my baby so much, I just want it to be alive. I don't care if my baby is deformed or anything different than what I dreamed of, I don't care about anything else except that I want my baby to be alive!" So from my point of view, if I have a moment of "gender dissapointment" or maybe more accurately "gender surprise" (because I feel strongly it's a girl) at the ultrasound, that moment will quickly pass and the bond with my baby will continue just as it has been for the past 3&1/2 months!

[Love Wins]

I was convinced I was pg with a boy, and everyone else thought so too. I had nightmares, literally, about having a girl. I took a gender prediction test, and it said: GIRL. I was devastated for weeks,even had panic attacks, because I really wanted a boy. I even bought mostly second hand boy clothes because I couldn't fathom having a girl. Well, guess what I had, a GIRL! And like a PP, I didn't even care! I was head-over-heels in love with my baby, I was just so happy. Now, I couldn't imagine having a boy because I'm so grateful that I had a girl! For me, finding out would have been difficult and I probably would not have handled it well.

[HeatherB]

I believe most everyone has posted that while they may have a desire for one gender over another, that everyone is or will be happy with having a baby, period. This is definitely a touchy subject, but it's a very real one that needs to be treated with respect.

The reality of "gender disappointment" (and I don't know that I like the term, but it seems to be accepted) is actually very much like losing a child. When and if you spend a full pregnancy (or half a pregnancy, or years before you finally get pregnant, or whatever the case may be) expecting a certain baby to arrive and then a *different* child arrives (and honestly this can be related to other factors and not just gender, but gender is the most common, I think) you can actually go through a process of grieving the loss of the *other* child. It's not a matter of not wanting or loving the one you HAVE, but of missing and longing for the one you were expecting.

While this topic may not touch a very large percentage of the population, it is still one that should be respected as far from petty for those who DO deal with it.

[pollyanna123]

I can understand feeling disappointed at not getting the gender you want. It think for most people, it's usually about some ideal they have (raising one each gender, having a boy first, having a daughter, whatever). I've only known a couple of people who seemed to have such strong gender disappointment that it risked affecting their relationship with the baby.

If I had a gender preference, I would try to find out at the ultrasound. I feel like I would want to know ahead of time to have a chance to get used to it. I wouldn't want to risk having those emotions at the birth.

However, my friend felt the opposite and chose to find out at the birth even though she had a strong preference for a girl. She felt that she would have much less disappointment at the birth and she didn't want to cloud the 2nd half of her pregnancy.

So I think it might be different for different personality types.

[Lady Lilya]

Long before I ever got pregnant, I had visions of the future. They had my children in them. So, I already knew my children. I knew what my first child would be like.

If I had found out that he was a she, I would have been very upset that she was not the child I knew and loved. I would have felt like he had died, because he was already a part of me.

But, he turned out exactly like in my visions, at least so far. And we'll see what happens this time around. I don't feel so certain I remembered correctly whether the other son was next or if the daughter was in the middle. They were close in age in my visions, and numbers weren't mentioned.

[zinemama]

I will differ from everyone here (I think) and say I think it's better to find out at birth.

First of all, you can enjoy the pregnancy free of gender expectations. You aren't already making assumptions about the baby you're carrying, based on its gender. You aren't going through pregnancy with that faint (or overt) feeling of disappointment in the background all the time. You can just enjoy being pregnant with a baby.

Second, although there is that initial disappointment at birth (believe me, I've been there), in my experience, the reality of an actual, live kicking crying nursing baby is so viscerally real and so vastly different from anything I'd been imagining while pregnant, that the gender thing fades into the background. Confronted with the reality of a new human, the fact that it's not the gender you wanted isn't nearly as significant as you might have expected. At least, that's how it was for me.

[rootzdawta]

Hi all! I've deleted a post from this thread that was taking issue (and subsequent posts quoting that post).

If you don't agree with the topic of this thread or just don't get it, please feel free to view other threads that do resonate. Please note the guidelines for the I'm Pregnant forum, especially regarding support. Thanks.

[kalamos23]

When I got pregnant with DD, DH really really wanted a boy (he still does!). We did end up finding out that she was a girl because he wanted to come to terms with it and not cloud her birth experience. I'm actually really glad we did, because some of the sweetest pictures I have from the day of her birth are when DH met DD for the first time. He was just head over heels in love with her, and it showed all over his face.

She's totally Daddy's little girl, btw.

Now that we are having #2 after 3 losses, *I* am the one that needs to know - I am having the hardest time bonding already, with no inklings or intuition either way (and honestly, we'd be happy either way after all the angel babies) so we are going to find out. We might not tell anyone though - haven't decided yet.

[CherryBomb]

I think the OPs question was if you thought gender disappointment was easier to deal with if you find out the sex during pregnancy or at birth, not whether or not it having it makes you a bad person.

[lach]

Originally Posted by CherryBomb

I think the OPs question was if you thought gender disappointment was easier to deal with if you find out the sex during pregnancy or at birth, not whether or not it having it makes you a bad person.

My post was one of the ones deleted, so I'll just repost my answer: yes, I do think that it helped with both cases where I expected a certain gender. I was wrong both times! So much for intuition, right? With DD I got over it very quickly, with DS it took longer. But I'm glad that I didn't have the "Oh, no you're wrong, check again please" reaction after being handled the baby!

[WifeofAnt]

I think it depends on how you envision the baby. If you try to imagine who they will become a certain way it might be easier knowing the sex (lessening the possibility of bonding with a baby you don't actually have). Looking at how I imagine him so far I don't see the future colored in blue light. I don't see a little boy playing baseball/football/basketball. When I try to imagine my child's future I see a curious toddler at the aquarium pointing out the fish or asking to get up on Daddy's shoulders to see the monkeys better at the zoo. Even if our ultrasound was wrong and James is really a Jolene it doesn't interfere with my 'vision' (although it will be a bit of an issue when most of his clothes so far won't pass as neutral!).

[ema-adama]

I thought about this rather a lot. I really really want a girl this time. I do not know if we will have more children, and I would love to have a daughter. I have even joked that if it is a boy this time, we'll adopt a girl as our 3rd child- just to be sure.

However, I have been trying to figure out what my expectations are and if it really makes a difference. Not all girls have great relationships with their mums and I could be let down further down the line if I do get a girl - ie I get caught up in my expectations of how my daughter should be, and she might very well not be the kind of child I envisioned.

As I realised this, I was more at peace with not finding out before the birth. I will no doubt mourn if it is not a girl, as it is unlikely that I will get to mother a daugher if this is a boy, but I am not sure whether it makes a difference knowing early or later. I think *I* will adjust better at the birth - as I am much more relaxed about it now than I was say 10 weeks ago.

[BookGoddess]

Early on in the pregnancy, I really wanted to have a daughter. I opted to find out so I could deal with any slight feelings of disappointment. No one other than DH knew my gender preference. I was afraid to tell others for fear that if I told them and I had a son that he would be told by someone clueless person (and I have quite a few of those in my family), "Oh I remember your mom really wanted a girl". I didn't want my child to be hurt that way.

When I had the big ultrasound in the second trimester, I really didn't care if the baby was a boy or girl. By then I had felt the baby move and I felt connected to my child. It had taken us a while to get pregnant so even if the perinatologist told me I was having a boy, I think I would have been happy.

[justduckyangie]

We have 3 girls with girl #4 on the way. We decided to find out this time around. We didn't last time, I wasn't disappointed, I wasn't expecting either sex. I LOVE being surprised at birth. With this one, I did really want a boy, the pregnancy is sooooo different dh was certain it WAS a boy and was telling everyone. I really think it helped to know ahead of time. I think waiting until birth dh may have been more disappointed. I'm not upset I'm not having a boy, We tried for 2 years for this baby, so I'm am thrilled to just be having a baby!! My disappointment comes from the loss or experience to raise/parent a boy or possibly the fact that my oldest is 12 and is in that tween drama stage and I fear our house may be overloaded with estrogen I think it's helping me bond more with her and if I hadn't found out she would have been dressed in alot of blue because I wouldn't have been able to resist buying baby boy clothes.

[JFTB1177]

My personal opinion is to find out before birth. I didn't have a strong preference when I was PG with DS1 because we had just had our first 2 m/c's and I was thrilled to be having a baby. Yet everyone else- friends and family, ahem- my MIL! - voiced their opinions that they wanted the baby to be a girl. He wasn't. I was disappointed for about 1.5 seconds and then got really excited. Everyone else stayed disappointed (except for my parents, who had a slight boy preference and were thrilled he was a boy) and that affected how much I got to enjoy my pregnancy. Such a shame- once he was born he was my little prince and I couldn't imagine him being anything else!

With DS2 I wanted a girl so I could have the "pigeon pair" that everyone strives for (one of each gender). I also wanted to avoid dealing with everyone ELSE'S disappointment again and letting it ruin MY pregnancy, you know? We found out at the 20 week u/s, I cried for 5 or 10 minutes, then pulled myself together. We opted not to tell anyone, and it turned out to be the best decision. Didn't get one negative comment once he was born (who could? He was a gorgeous baby!). His birth was my healing HBAC too so it was just a dream.

I still want the chance to parent a daughter though. And the pressure is ON now! I can hear the comments already lol. If this baby is another boy I will be disappointed for a minute, but I know he'll bring as much love and joy my other 2 boys do. We will find out but will prob not share the gender with anyone once again. It's fun torturing people anyway lol. We are also considering going high tech for a girl if this is another boy.

By the way, there is a documentary on this subject coming on Discovery Channel tomorrow night (I think 8 pm EST) called "8 Boys Wanting a Girl".

[WifeofAnt]

I think my mom had more gender disappointment than I did. We called to announce it (they live across the country) and she was just like 'oh'. No congrats or anything. My dad wasn't so excited either but he had more of an 'I told you so' thing going at my mom for the moment (she had been wanting to buy a bunch of pink stuff and he told her no). She's had some time and is starting to get really excited for his arrival (but she has yet to buy ANYTHING blue). My dad is the serious type though so I'm not sure if he'll ever get 'excited' but he seems very protective now so I guess that's his form of accepting it.

[Lady Lilya]

Yeah, my MIL wanted a little girl so she "could dress her up and do her hair". Now SIL has a baby girl, so I hope MIL is happy.

[WifeofAnt]

My mom is 'technically' my stepmom. She doesn't have any living children of her own and the one she did have was a stillborn daughter born when she was 6 or 7 months along (21 years ago now). I think that's why she wanted me to have a girl, to try to be mommy to the little girl she never had. Its a little mean but its part of the reason I'm relieved I'm having a boy. I'm going to be spending most of the little dude's first year of life renting a room at their house while DH is deployed and I don't want people trying to take over and be his parent.