Gender disappointment - Page 3

[MegBoz]

Originally Posted by philomom

I feel it is way easier to get used to the idea of the "wrong" gender if you find out during pregnancy. Finding out at birth... it can compound the whole new mother sadness stuff that sits on some women when they are bone-tired and their boobs hurt from nursing.

Totally agree. With the real & substantial risks of PPD, difficulty BFing, a traumatic or disappointing birth experience, it seems just a bit 'safer' to find out & come to terms with it before the birth than to risk having to accept & cope with it on top of the other post-partum adjustments & stresses.

Plus, I hate the color yellow. & you get tons of green & yellow stuff if you don't find out.

Originally Posted by SumnerRain

People are always making stupid comments like "took you three tries, but you finally got a girl huh?" like my boys are just not adequate, or are consolation prizes.

This one blows my mind. I can't imagine saying something so horrible. Yes, exactly! "Trying for a girl," and "Finally got your girl," totally makes it sound as though the boys were disappointments. Way to utterly dismiss the entire value of the boys identity as your beloved children & valued members of your family!! Just such a horrible thing to say & I'm still surprised at how common those comments are.

I'm expecting #2 & will find out, but will be happy either way. I admit to a slight preference for a boy, but only a very slight preference & it's because I'd like DS to have a brother. I feel like it's much more likely to be closer to your same sex sibling. I have one sister & one brother & my sister is my absolute best friend aside from DH, whereas my brother & I aren't super close. Of course there's a bigger age gap with DB too.

& we're stopping at 2, so if I have a DD, she'll never get the experience of a sister, which makes me a little sad. As much as I adore my sister, I'd feel my DD missed out in never having one. Of course I'd hope for & encourage a close bond with her brother, but, again, considering how much I've adored having a sister, it would be hard for me to not feel that my DD missed out not having one.

So all that being said, I find it hard to relate to people who automatically assume I must one "one of each" for some complete set or something. .

[orange_mommy]

I agree, I can't stand when I hear people saying to a pregnant woman "You must be trying/hoping for ___" (usually a girl) when someone has more than one child of the same gender (usually a boy) and they usually assume the pregnant individual is just desperately getting knocked up from this point on to try and pop out the "right" gender finally. I hate it, UGH!
I have a friend who has 6 boys and she has gotten a lot of those comments. She always says "Nope, I love my boys and wouldn't have it any other way!" They are a fabulous group of boys who blows in like a tornado and puts the house in full party mode! How horrible for a mother who loves her kids with all her heart to have to hear over and over "So, you never got the girl you were obviously trying for?" and other such comments, and how awful for the children to have to hear that too!

[kittywitty]

I am dealing with this a little right now. I've never been wrong about the sex before with my kids or friends' kids. I was *sure* I was having another boy. The u/s looks to show a girl, though I'm still doubtful from my instincts but I'm sure I'll be proven wrong at the birth, lol. Right now my disappointment mainly stems from all these comments people make. It would be the 4th girl and I get lots of "poor you" and really rude and assuming comments about how badly we need another boy, not a girl and they even talk directly to my 8 yo son about how depressed he must be having another sister on the way and how terrible it will be for him.

[JFTB1177]

Originally Posted by kittywitty

I am dealing with this a little right now. I've never been wrong about the sex before with my kids or friends' kids. I was *sure* I was having another boy. The u/s looks to show a girl, though I'm still doubtful from my instincts but I'm sure I'll be proven wrong at the birth, lol. Right now my disappointment mainly stems from all these comments people make. It would be the 4th girl and I get lots of "poor you" and really rude and assuming comments about how badly we need another boy, not a girl and they even talk directly to my 8 yo son about how depressed he must be having another sister on the way and how terrible it will be for him.

I'm so sorry you have to deal with those ignorant and stupid comments, Kitty! I agree, it was OTHER people's disappointment and comments that made ME feel disappointment in the first place! I think that really SUCKS and people should mind their own damn business! These babies, boys or girls, are blessings and beautiful new creatures that are ours. There should be nothing but excitement about the new addition of one's family! (((hugs)))

I hate the rude comments. Maybe we should all start a thread on witty responses we can say back to people who say rude things about our children's gender or family makeup!

Ex)
"So I bet you're hoping for a girl (or boy)!!!!"
Response: "What I'm REALLY hoping for is a baby! Man if birth day comes and this isn't a baby I'm gonna be pretty damn PISSED!"

[WifeofAnt]

I don't get that either. Its not like an 8 year old boy would be able to play baseball with a newborn. Then by the time the baby was old enough to start acting a certain gender the older boy would be turning his attention to getting friends and activities away from home and might not even want to play with his sibling.

[kittywitty]

Originally Posted by WifeofAnt

I don't get that either. Its not like an 8 year old boy would be able to play baseball with a newborn. Then by the time the baby was old enough to start acting a certain gender the older boy would be turning his attention to getting friends and activities away from home and might not even want to play with his sibling.

I agree. I was ~8-12 years older than my brothers. I really wanted a sister and had over 20 all-male cousins. But by the time I got my brothers and not sisters, I didn't care if they were girls or boys, the age difference was such that they could've been seahorses for all I cared. I do love them to death and did play with them, but the gender just did not matter with the age gap.

[orange_mommy]

Coming back to this because I now have firsthand experience with this issue. I posted before how I strongly believed that I am carrying a girl; knew it in the pit of my stomach from the moment I found out I was pregnant. The baby's father was also certain it was a girl. As was my mother. I thought of the baby as "she, her" and couldn't think anything differently. And this was fine with me because I was hoping for a girl.
Well, I had my 18 week ultrasound a few weeks ago and, IT'S A BOY! I was totally wrong, my gut instinct was ridiculously misled as was everyone else's from the moment I took my pregnancy test! I was so convinced of the gender "female" that when the ultrasound tech said "Well, I think we've found the gender! There it is poking out between the legs!" I was like "And?..." She said "It's a boy!" and I was like "Are you sure?" Haha! I wasn't disappointed so much as in complete disbelief! Anyways, from the moment I found out that my baby is not a girl but a boy, I have been totally and 100% in love with my little man! I am not the least bit disappointed about my baby's gender. I was disheartened for a few days over not being able to use my fabulous girl name that I had chosen, and sad that all those fabulous potential girl middle names were no longer appropriate, and couldn't think of one single boy name that I liked... but a few days later that was a non-issue. Shockingly, it doesn't even cause me pain to look at the Bummis Super Brite pink diaper cover I was so excited to order! :P
Anyways, for me I think I may have been shockingly unprepared for a little boy had I waited until birth. I completely bonded with my baby at the ultrasound even though I was surprised by the gender news. Would I have bonded at birth if I waited until birth? Of course, but for me, the preparation time is important and I know if I had waited I would have relied on my faulty intuition and used money and time thinking about girl things (every bit of dreaming about your baby is worth the time and effort even if it is misguided in some way, but I had already started buying girl clothes and may have misspent even more had I not found out ). So there's my vote that yes you can bond at the ultrasound with your "surprise gender baby".

[pregnant@40]

In my current pregnancy, the GD was more on the part of my mother. So in turn, I felt some GD b/c of my mother's strong feelings. I took her to the u/s appt so that she could find out either way. Her reaction was obvious disappointment, and she stated that "maybe you can try again for X" in the next pregnancy (ha! this is our last pregnancy). It took her a couple of weeks, but now she seems to be excited & wants to provide childcare regularly twice per week once the child comes.

[kblackstone444]

I think if varies from person to person, but I always wanted a daughter. I have a 15 year old son, and I'm pregnant with another little boy. For me, I'm so glad I found out before the birth that he's a boy. During the sonogram, he at first had his little parts between his closed legs, so the technition told me that this baby was a girl. I had about 3 minutes of euphoria, when she said, "Oops, I see a little penis after all." Emotionally, I felt like someon dropped me off the Empire State Building. I was "okay" after about a half hour- he was healthy, he was mine, he will need me- but it did take me a couple days to get over the "loss" of a daughter. Now... I wouldn't trade him for all the daughters in the world. Sure, I'd love a daughter someday, and yes, I'm aware that this is most likely my "last chance baby", but this is MY baby, MY son, I want a daughter, but I want this baby boy as well. I wouldn't give him up for the world- I can't wait to see who he turns out to be.

[nia82]

Because of this thread we did find out the gender, so that I wouldn't feel GD at birth... I was prepared to hear it is a boy, but it is a girl (what I wanted) after all. I spent two weeks in disbelief, still not truly believing it, but I am very glad I found out. I think GD at birth would be such a bummer for me! Especially since we live far away from family, it's hard enough to do it all alone, and I didn't want to put another potential strain on me.

[kblackstone444]

Originally Posted by JFTB1177

"So I bet you're hoping for a girl (or boy)!!!!"
Response: "What I'm REALLY hoping for is a baby! Man if birth day comes and this isn't a baby I'm gonna be pretty damn PISSED!"

I'm gonna steal that one. Everybody knows I wanted a girl, I've been talking about wishing I had a daughter for years and years now, so I've been hearing various versions of "too bad it's only a boy".

[raelize]

i will admit i am one of those people who has said to a child about how disappointed they must be that she had 3 brothers and no sisters. it is terrible adn i am so embarrased and i would never do that agian.
i am one of five, number 2 and i only have brothers. and i have always always wanted a sister. my brothers and i are close, but not like sisters. i realized after i talked with the little girl how terrible it was everything i said. it wasn't to discount her brothers, but it was still stupid and mean. and what if she had never thought about it? who was i to put it in her head? or to encourage that?
i am still embarassed. and to little D- i am sorry. adn i would never trade any of my brothers. i just really wanted a sister.

i needed to know what dd2 was, cause i wanted dd1 to have a sister. we aer planning for a third, and i am fine with either, although i can only think of girls names....dh though would need to knwo with number 3 cause we are stopping after 3 and he really wants a son. not that his girls aren't wonderful and he is very close with them, but i can understand wanting to have father/son relationship as i wanted a mother/daughter relationship. i think he would be okay with all girls, but he would need to know to avoid gender disappoinment at birth

[L&K'smommie]

Thanks for this thread. I'm in this debate right now...of whether I want to wait until birth or find out at the U/S. We have 1 girl and 2 boys and with both boys I wanted a girl(I never had a sister and wanted one)...with boy #1 I got over it quickly...with boy #2 it took a while and sometimes I wonder if I had found out at his birth if the disappointment would've even been there since I was holding a perfect, healthy little baby. I would NEVER trade my boys for girls. I love them so much and can't imagine either being girls. They are such an amazing addition to our family. That said I would like a girl...this is also our last baby.
SO I can't decide when to find out...we've always found out so it might be fun to wait.

[jeslynn]

When I was pregnant with my son I thought it was a girl and wanted a girl. But whenever I'd dream of the baby? It was a boy. I was disappointed for about 5 minutes when the u/s tech said it was a boy. Then I was overjoyed!

We are planning on TTC starting next month and I am hoping for a girl this time since I would like #3 to be a surprise and I'd like to have 1 of each before that. However, I will be thrilled with another little boy too.

[WifeofAnt]

Originally Posted by Crrrunchberrie

When I was pregnant with my son I thought it was a girl and wanted a girl. But whenever I'd dream of the baby? It was a boy. I was disappointed for about 5 minutes when the u/s tech said it was a boy. Then I was overjoyed!

Now I'm thrilled he's a boy. I don't really think I ever truly wanted a girl, I just thought I did. I also think I'll be just as thrilled if next time I have another boy!

[PrincessWinnie]

I'm 6-months along (nearly 26 weeks) and the first 19 or so weeks I was CONVINCED it was a girl and had already started feeling gender disappointment. It really took all I had to convince myself that if I had a girl it would be okay but I definitely shed some tears about it. Not really sure why, maybe its because I had a feeling DS would bond better with a brother, or because I was so in love with DS as a baby I couldn't imagine not cuddling a little baby boy again. We did find out we were having a boy and I was quite relieved but didn't want to feel toooo relieved, knowing a healthy baby is ultimately what we wanted anyway.

Since finding out we're having a boy we have had gender disappointment from people who truly and honestly WANTED us to have a girl and it's quite upsetting. "Aww, you must have really wanted a girl so you could have one of each" "Well, there's always next time" "You HAVE to try again so you can try for a girl!" It's all I can do to really come back with a snarky comment about it. Now when we tell people that we're having a boy I say straight out "We're having another boy and we're THRILLED about it" so there's no mistake on our intentions at all.

[msmiranda]

I had GD the first time around because I had always envisioned myself as a mother of 4 daughters and having a boy shot that all to hell. Both grandmothers were also disappointed that we were not having a girl. But then, the second time, I KNEW before the ultrasound that it was another boy and the (more intense) disappointment from my MIL especially really made me defensive -- I understand that this was her fourth grandson (no granddaughters) but it somehow undermined the humanity of my son to say that he was a disappointment because he had a penis, as though that meant he and all other boys were just alike and not unique human beings ... like we "already had one of those" ... so that really got me to rethink and let go of my old vision of having daughters. My boys are FABULOUS. They couldn't be any more perfect if they tried. So this time, I honestly don't care whether it's a boy or a girl. I will find out, but I'm not sure if we will tell because I don't care for people's stupid comments. My mother said "I hope this one is a girl so you will stop at 3" and I was like, how many kids we have is not dependent on the sex.

[penstamon]

I was literally just coming in here to post about this exact same thing. Thank you MDC

DH and I have always said we only want 2 kids and I know that I wouldn't mind having more but do not plan on it. We both REALLY want a girl- not because we would be a "proper nuclear family (blech)", but because I had always wanted a sister growing up and I grew up with a brother and all male cousins (the female ones were far away), I really want a daughter. My mom was my sister and I lost her some years ago so I have really been feeling the need for the strong familial female bond in my life. I would be happy with another boy but I am a little afraid of GD so no matter how much fun it was to find out at birth I have been toying with the idea of finding out at the u/s. DH does not want to so maybe I'll peek

I have gotten a lot of comments regarding being "done" if we have a girl, or having a "complete family". Its annoying.

[WifeofAnt]

So... if you have a hermaphrodite the first time then you'd only 'need' one baby then?
Really that was my only fear. Girl, no big deal (although I have zero experience). Boy, no big deal. Baby of a mixed sex... my nightmare. What do you name him/her? Do you get surgery for it? How do you mark paperwork?

[JustVanessa]

I really wanted to find out with my second pregnancy because I was scared of gender dissapointment. I REALLY wanted another boy and I knew I would be sad if it was a girl and wanted to know in advance. I really didn't want sadness to be part of the birth at all.