I am so glad to find this thread... thank you for posting!
I like reading other people's responses and knowing that others out there are going through similar things / feelings / processes that I am.
I am 19 weeks pregnant and went to our 20 week ultrasound scan today. My husband had insisted that we don't find out the gender and i wanted to honor that for him because it was so important and I don't really have a gender preference... HOWEVER
as the pregnancy progressed I realized I had built up a story in my mind that it is a boy. A little history: we were traveling in Bali last year and a medicine women told me I would be pregnant with a boy by winter. This was interesting news to us because we weren't expecting to be pregnant, or trying at the time. Then over the summer (before I was pregnant and we were not trying) I had several other similar experiences where people randomly felt the need to tell me they thought I would be pregnant soon with a boy. Because of all this history, and especially because I became pregnant at the same time the medicine women predicted (without trying) it was really easy for me to fall into this fantasy of this 'boy' we're going to have.
On the eve of the ultrasound (last night) I broke down to my husband and said I really need to know the gender now. Not because I have a preference for either sex (I don't) but because I've built up this story in my mind about this boy that is going to be in my world and if that is not the case, I want a chance to grieve the loss of that concept and have time to welcome and get excited about having a daughter in my world.
I think if I hadn't had this history of 'prophecy' behind my pregnancy I would have opted to not find out the sex until the birth... and a part of me feels guilty for not sticking to that decision since I (as some people have already mentioned) don't want to engender my baby by labeling it a boy or girl but rather I am happy to watch the baby's individuality and personality unfold with no preconceptions of how he or she will be based on their genitalia.
I think the important distinction for me here is to not necessarily be disapointed if the baby is a girl but to allow me to grieve the loss of the concept of a son I had developed.
anyways... the hospital where I got my ultrasound has the policy that they do not disclose gender to the patients but rather passes the information onto my midwife... so now I anxiously wait by the phone for the next few days to find out if everything is happy / healthy and if we're expecting a boy or a girl in our future.
Thank you everyone for sharing your input and emotions surrounded GD... it helped me feel not so alone, not so guilty about possibly feeling sadness over the gender and also helped me to better verbalize my feelings (grief rather than disapointment).