Ugh! I need to cry! And I have a question...

[GranoLLLy-girl]

How's that for a post title???

OK, so--whenever stbxh comes to pick up the kids, it seems like things get ugly (verbally--arguments--nothing more than that).
So here's my question: what things did you do to keep things from getting too ugly?


And here's my pity party: I just really HATE this man. He brings up crap that happened OVER 20 years ago!
HE LEFT US. And yet this morning, he's picking up the kids and going off about what a horrible person I am and how everyone agrees with him--and that I was such a loser because I had been married before (and I was--at age 19--I was married for about 9 months--no property or kids ever came of it--just a college sweetheart)---and he thinks I should be ashamed of that.
Well, I'm sorry--I'm just not. He KNEW that about me when he married me--why does he just pull crap up that happened so long ago?
I don't think he has enough depth of character to even feel guilty about leaving us--he really does not. It seems that very few men like that do.

I don't know--I'm angry and I don't want my whole weekend ruined because of it. How do I cope?

[Ione]

Unless it relates directly to the kids, do no reply with anything more than:
"I'm sorry you feel that way. Have a nice weekend with the kids. Bye." or something equally uninvolved. While fantasizing about dancing chocolate cupcakes or whatever.

The less you engage, the less he can "argue" without looking like a fool.

[Avani]

It will stop getting ugly for YOU when you can just disconnect, stop listening and then walk away. You don't have to engage or be affected. It's a choice. A really hard choice but nonetheless you can decide at any point in time to just stop engaging with him. Once he realizes that he isn't getting a rise out of you anymore he will eventually stop. You know in your heart and mind that none of what he says is true. So stick with that. Drop off/pick up the kids, discuss only the kids with him and if anything else gets brought up just say your life is private and none of his business. The best thing you can do for yourself and your kids is to disengage from him and enjoy the blessings that are in your life. Get rid of the anger you have towards him in more constructive ways. Exercise, art, etc.

[Arduinna]

I'm make sure to have a 3rd party there, either family member or friend at the time he is scheduled to pick up the kids.

[vannienicole]

Originally Posted by Arduinna

I'm make sure to have a 3rd party there, either family member or friend at the time he is scheduled to pick up the kids.

I second this. First, he's less likely to start an argument in front of others Second, this break from argument will help you disconnect as the other mentioned. My ex will do anything to "be an a-hole" to me. He's even admitted purposely doing this (his wording and all ). Once I realized taht he just wanted to see me hurt, I disconnected. If there is a potentially tense situation that is coming up, I bring someone with.

To be honest, I think it's better for the both of us. All those nasty feelings in him (hate, anger, etc) feed off the drama. If he gets a break from them himself, maybe things will get better over time? That might just be wishful thinking though.

[robinchap1]

Good advice here. Refuse to engage. "I'm sorry you feel that way" became like a mantra to me. You could respond to something like him bringing up your past marriage with, "I'm sorry you feel that way, I'll see you at 6 tomorrow."

My ex used to do that too, bring up something from deep in the past that was not only irrelevant, but something that I could do absolutely nothing about NOW. It floored me at the time. In the early years of our relationship I was sick and couldn't work for a time. That was WAY before HE proposed and we got married, etc. All of a sudden he would bring it up as evidence as to why he was unhappy, because I wasn't any fun all those years ago. I decided it was his way of defending his current choices and trying not to feel the guilt that was eating at him.

I bet your ex does feel guilty, deep down. He is desperate to rationalize his choices to anyone who will listen and somehow find a way to blame you. Good news, though... YOU don't have to listen!

Hang in there. Our drop offs were ugly for a while too. It was SOOOO hard to consistently refuse to engage. I made a rule that I absolutely refused to discuss anything other than necessary child related drop off concerns (when he napped, what he ate, what time to pick up). I told him if he had anything else at all whatsoever to discuss, to send me an email. THEN, I opened a separate email account just for him (I told him I had changed all of my email), so I only would see emails from him when I was ready. No opening up my regular email at work or before bed and seeing something upsetting.

Hang in there and good luck.

Remember... bullies get bored with the kids who don't get upset by them.

[Freedom~Mama]

I am sorry. I know how hard it can be at first. To minimize that for myself I always meet Ex at a public location (a coffee shop or gas station) for drop offs and pick ups. When he is in public he is way less likely to be verbally abusive. Also I always have someone with me. Again he is way less likely to be abusive if someone else is there with me. It was very rough at first and he was very angry. Finally though I realized I was the only one who had the power to stop taking his abuse. I told him not to call, e-mail, text, or IM me and that I would send him a detailed schedule via e-mail so that no further communication was necessary. We are at the point now where we don't talk at all really. I wish that we had a better co-parenting relationship but this is the way it has to be...for now at least.

I know how frustrating and anxiety producing it is to still have to deal with an Ex and their mean and viscious outbursts. It will get better though, time does heal most things and once you both get to a point of acceptance the anger and hurt will fade and then you will just feel a bit disconnect. It is kind of sad, but that is what divorce is in most cases I think.

I wish you the best of luck. Stay strong and don't listen to anything he says!!

[BeckyBird]

My dad went to pick us up one time, and my mom's boyfriend opened the door. He was beyond mad, and we still had to spend the weekend with him. So awful. So from then on, he would wait in the driveway, and we'd walk out to his car. My mom would not have to see him or talk to him. We were 8 and 6 then, and that's how it went until we were in our teens.
After a while, my parents could talk to each other without arguing, but it took a few years. Mostly, my mom would not see him unless it was in public, like at a school event or something. Oh, and she would sometimes come to his house to pick us up at the end of the weekend, and for some reason they got along then. Just not when he picked us up. I don't know why. Parents are so strange lol!

So, for the drop off, maybe you could send the kids out with another person to meet their father. Or you could watch them from the window as they walk out to his car.

[papayapetunia]

First, you should understand that he's rewriting the historyof your marriage anddemonizing ou because he needs to do it in order to feel OK about his disgusting choices. If he can provoke you to yell or say something back to him, he can drive away feeling smug.

Have you been to survivinginfidelity.com? I'd get over there if I were you. The reading will help you to understand the psychology behind an affair. Read up on the "180" because this will help you to set your boundaries, disengage, and begin to heal.

Don't let the things he says get to you. Think of his as a crackhead or a crazy person. Nothing he says is reality righ now. He had an affair and left because something is wrong with *him* not you. Sure, youcan always better yourself *for you* because that's what you want to do, but you couldn't have been anything more that would have filled the holes he has in his soul.

[josie143]

stop listening and then walk away!Alot of people try blaming others for their mistakes because they are feeling guilty about what they did!See if you can get someone elese to have the kids greet their dad!

[lynsage]

Make him meet you in a public place to switch the kids over and bring an adult third party.

[meemee]

youve just separated right mama? been a few months. not a year still? sorry i can remember :embarrased

first what you are feeling and hearing is totally normal - in the normal development of grief, anger pattern. you are still dealing with letting go of a dream.

the way you handle this is by taking care of yourself. doing what you need to do to center yourself. to see your own self worth.

as you slowly get more into you, you will find his barbs getting less and less sharp. it takes time though.

i agree with papayapetunia. he is loading off his guilt onto you and getting you all riled up to stop feeling the guilt himself.

one day, ONE DAY if you can work on YOU own self healing and everything going on within you - ONE DAY when he rants and raves you will feel compassion for that man.

it has happened in my life. took about almost 3 years to completely not respond. when i mean respond i mean internally too.

but for right now dont hold back. punch pillows. express your anger. cry. call him all the names you can in the world. get it out. its v. cathartic. and in a sense it feels really good. its like a washing away of dirt off of you and then feeling clean again.

if you are struggling to express yourself go for a walk. or talk to a friend IRL. you have to talk it out. listen to your words coming out of your mouth. not just type it for us.

i remember when i calmed down and really i wouldnt respond in any way to ex except feel so sorry for him, things calmed down a lot. its still not perfect, no way close to where i want it to be. but the yelling has gone down hugely.

and i attribute it to my calmness. when i would see him i wouldnt internally be blaming him for breaking my dream. i would really just see him as my dd's father. sometimes i would see him as the man i had fallen in love with and married - who still lived within him, but he wasnt showing that to me anymore. didnt mean that good person didnt exist. he just didnt exist for me.

honestly though by then i was done with all that feeling stuff ya know. i mean after a while it gets so old carrying all that anger and pain and hurt. it just is not worth it. you find other things to do. other things to use your time with and enjoy. and you disassociate from him. he no longer is that important in your life.

also how do you do your exchanges. is it from a house or apartment. i forget how old your kids are. in our case ex always called when he was outside. and my dd would walk out to him. in an apt i would be behind the door and he would pick her up. since seh was 3. from a yard she would walk out of the porch and he would meet her at the gate. its the same when we drop off. no parent gets out of the car. they wait and watch till dd goes in.

[GranoLLLy-girl]

Thanks for all of your advice and kind responses. This whole thing is relatively new for me--the separation/pending divorce.
The kids are 6 and 8. Yesterday when they left--they were in the garage getting their bike helmets for him and he told them to get in the car--and they did and then they just left and did not even say goodbye--when they came back, I asked my daughter if they forgot to say goodbye--and she said that Daddy wouldn't let them say goodbye. I had no idea that they were leaving--he told them to come find their bike helmets.
I emailed him and said that it was fine if he didn't say goodbye to me but that the kids should not do that. He seemed calm by then (probably because the day was over and I had the kids and he was getting ready to go out for the night--always a much more fun proposition).
We live in a house--and he lives in a room he is renting across town.
I could do the public drop off thing--that wouldn't be too hard--but in the mornings during the week, he comes to the house early to take the kids to school (and eats me out of house and home when I leave for work)--it's so early in the morning, that none of the before school programs are open (6:30AM, I leave for work).

It IS hard to disengage. For now. But I think in time it will be easier. Even though this breakup blindsided me (20 years of marriage, married 11 before we got pregnant) I think in hindsight it wasn't good for years. I admired him and respected him, but I didn't love him. I probably did years ago--but I think over time, I just clung to the security of the whole thing. He makes good money and I am someone who liked to stay home and care for the kids and the house and didn't have a wide circle of friends. I am working to change all of that now. And the good thing is, it's not too late in my life to do just that.

I really appreciate the responses I get from you gals. I feel old and worn out and there are times when I get discouraged--but then I come here and see other women/moms in the same boat and see your strength and I think: I can do that, too. Most people look at me and see outward success and think that I must have it all together: but I think that somewhere inside, I'm as fake as my husband in some ways. But I was real to my kids and family--just not real to the people in my work and my friends. I look at him and see that crack being even deeper with him: he is fake, even to himself and to the kids. The one thing I always said was that I could never leave my family--no matter how I felt about xh. But maybe he has given me a gift. I never liked his family and he is very much like them. They were TOTAL show and no depth--and I'm starting to see that in him for what it really is.
Anyway, thanks again. I appreciate that people take the time to respond.

[meemee]

Originally Posted by GranoLLLy-girl

We live in a house--and he lives in a room he is renting across town.
I could do the public drop off thing--that wouldn't be too hard--but in the mornings during the week, he comes to the house early to take the kids to school (and eats me out of house and home when I leave for work)--it's so early in the morning, that none of the before school programs are open (6:30AM, I leave for work).

aaaaah!!! yeah this can make it REALLY hard. this will 'slow down' the healing, recovery process. there is no proper complete separation right now. until you really have only your OWN space. but i am glad he is willing to work this out and come to your home even if he eats you out. your kids are least affected and they get to see daddy almost everyday. and i am sure the short parenting times really work out for him.

even dd's daddy can handle only so much parenting.

i guess though now ex has to get used to the whole process. he is i am sure learning a lot.

yeah you were RIGHT ON about drawing boundaries - that he has to let the kids say good bye. poor kids.

btw i totally agree with you. i also see as ex giving me a gift of leaving. however i kept his family as he doesnt talk to them. they are mostly all AWESOME people and i really enjoy them. it was my mil who was my rock as i collapsed with the collapse of my marriage. for 3 years thru long distance phonecalls she was with me thru everything. i stopped when i realised the emotional toll it was having on her. i am her 'daughter' and my hurt, hut her deeply too. she is my best travelling buddy, and we talk for HOURS on teh phone. she is the only person who tells me the truth - always.

[Iucounu]

Originally Posted by robinchap1

I bet your ex does feel guilty, deep down. He is desperate to rationalize his choices to anyone who will listen and somehow find a way to blame you. Good news, though... YOU don't have to listen!

Totally agree.

[LoveOhm]

Originally Posted by Ione

The less you engage, the less he can "argue" without looking like a fool.

This has been my experience thus far.