I think your "fears" are normal. I had a lot to struggle through with my 4th baby. I had a hospital birth, pit, episotomy, purple pushing, demerol, the whole bit, with my first. With my second, I wanted a homebirth, but DH convinced me that we should be in the hospital "in case something happens". Well, duh, something DOES happen, the baby comes out. My second hospital experience was slightly less traumatic but not good... I "gave up" at around 6cm, wanted pain relief, which turned out not to be helpful, just made me sick and disorented, had a rude doctor who kept putting his hands around her head and trying to push my cervix and later my labia up and off her head... I guess he thought he was helping, but I just was angry and felt violated and powerless.
We had a homebirth with the third, and the midwives didn't show up! They didn't come till about an hour after baby came. It was GREAT! She came out in the water, daddy caught, I was totally calm and cool and loved it. I FELT sooo much of what was happening... my water broke with a sharp slap against my perineum, underwater! I felt my cervix relax and open up as soon as I got in the tub, after resting on the bed. I felt every inch of her come out, and loved that she kicked her feet to "swim" out the last few inches... it was SO COOL!
So, we planned to UC with the 4th one. Inbetween 3 and 4, though, I was a doula for the first time to a friend who wanted what I had had, a lovely, uncomplicated homebirth. She labored and planned to birth at my home, as theirs had burned! a few months before her baby was due.
Her birth went horribly. She had sexual issues that really came into play at the end of her labor and she basically ended up refusing to push, even though she was complete and ready. She wasn't mentally and emotionally ready, even though her body was. It was an incredible learning experience for me, it was very sad, too. What I didn't expect was the impact it had on me. I was pregnant at the time and for the last 4-5 months of my own pregnancy, planning UC, feeling fine, having a normal, easy pregnancy, I mentally stressed about the "WHAT IF's". They tortured me. What if I can't push, like my friend? What if I labor for three days? What if something goes wrong? What if I bleed too much or if baby's not breathing, what if what if what if.
I spent a LOT of time working through my fears and when I finally went into labor, I had overcome about 90% of my fears. I still had this niggling, in the back of my mind, fear of the "unknown". I regret that now, and wish I had perhaps done a little more internal work to get rid of the fear altogether. My fourth birth was as smooth and straighforward as one could possibly ask for. It lasted all of about 5 hours, after weeks of normal prodromal labor. It was "easy" even though the labor was hard work. I spent a small amount of time worrying that it would last longer than I wanted, I'd get too tired, but it didn't. I LET MY BODY take over, I released control. I did what felt right, I held DH's hand, he was my anchor to reality as I swam in laborland.
I am now pregnant with baby 5. I still have occasional "fears" that pop in and out of my mind. I think that a positive thing to do is to change them from "fears" to "things to prepare for". I think of them now as things to simply be aware of, to be prepared for. So, I personally, think about bleeding too much, although I have NEVER had this problem in the past... I have read (somewhere) that moms who are grand multis (5 or more babies) are at higher risk of pph. So, I read, I prepare and I lessen my fear of this potential problem, and instead, turn it into a learning, positive experience. I already know how to help prevent and deal with a pph, as I have had that experience as a midwife's assistant/apprentice. So, I know how to recognize too much bleeding, how to massage the uterus, how to keep baby at breast, helpful tinctures, etc. And, I am also not afraid or unwilling to go to the hospital if there is a problem I can't deal with.
I think our intuition, when allowed to penetrate our "normal" lives will help lead us in the direction we need to be to be prepared for our births. I also think that once we've experienced birth, we RESPECT the power of birth, of our bodies, and also of nature and how things CAN go "wrong" or you can experience a complication. I don't call it fear... having a healthy respect for birth is wise, and experience is our teacher... so second and more time moms are wiser and are experienced and so they can know how to respect birth and be even more prepared for it's normal, and sometimes abnormal variations.
Just as an inexperienced bicycle rider will wobble and be very nervous and will have adrenaline rushing through their veins, an experienced bicycle rider knows that although a rock in the road could catapult them head first off the bike, they also know the pleasure and joy of riding their bike on a cool fall day, crunching leaves under the tires. They don't let the "fear" of an accident or a spill hold them back from the pleasure of bike riding. They know to check the air pressure and make sure their brakes work, they adjust the seat to suit them, they prepare and inform themselves and then....they enjoy the ride.
