Friendship dilemma

[xtara2003x]

Hi ladies!

I have a question on a friendship dilemma I'm experiencing right now.

For a little more back story....see here:

http://www.mothering.com/discussions....php?t=1177390

We seem to have hit another bump in the road...and I'm to the point of not even wanting to resolve the situation at all.

Let's just say, they posted some really mean and nasty passive aggressive comments on facebook toward my cousin who I happen to feel defensive over. They are all standing up in one of the girls' wedding Oct. of this year. I am not as I had to turn it down due to falling pregnant earlier this Jan. (which I ended up miscarrying).

Long story short, I posted on my facebook something like "I think it's mean and immature to put passively aggressive facebook status's up knowing that they will hurt the feelings of those they are intended for. It makes me sad."

With that one comment, they proceeded to attack me on facebook, being very mean and cruel and then blocked and deleted me from their pages.

The one girl who's wedding is in Oct. called me and we talked, and things seemed "fine" and we understood one another, however when I got off the phone, I realized she had lied to me quite a bit about some things, and that I didn't even feel the desire to reconcile anything at all any more (and also days after we talked and supposedly resolved things..she has still yet to unblock me or add me back as her friend).

Since going through 2 miscarriages this year, I feel life is just far too important and these girls have brought my life nothing but drama and chaos for the past 3.5 years (ever since DD was born). I wand to end the friendship...and keep them out of my life and be done with it. That chapter is closed...and I can not endure any more stress that they have brought to my life.

My question is.......the girl who's wedding is in October asked to borrow my wedding jewelry for her wedding as her something borrowed. I agreed, and gave her the jewelery around April or May of this year.

What should I do about the jewelry situation? Ask to have it back? Wait until her wedding is over and then get it back? I am not going to be attending the wedding any longer, nor will I attend her bachelorette or bridal shower. I really am done..and feel that I can not have a solid friendship with people who clearly go out of their way to hurt people on purpose.

Is it petty of me to request my jewelry back right now so close to her wedding date? Her wedding is Oct. 30th....or do I have a right to do so if we are no longer friends - also, if we're not friends anymore anyway, why would she want to use my jewelry?

WWYD?

[Ravenlunatic]

I would request the jewelry back immediately. Do you have a legal friend? or relative? that can draw up a quick 'official' request (or tell you how to do it). I think with the edge of someone else on your side to get the jewelry back she may just comply... you may catch her off guard.

I don't think under the circumstances she would use your jewelry anyway. Do you want to reconcile the friendship at all? If so, you really shouldn't ask for it back, but if you really want to sever ties... just do it. The longer you wait the less likely you are to see your precious jewelry again.

[basje]

I would ask for the jewelry back if you want it back. Nicely.

That said, I think it's fine that you've decided that you don't want to continue these friendships. It seems you have little in common and the relationships are badly damaged. Sometimes we must just let things go. I would however reflect on how your behavior has contributed to this rather traumatic experience. In your first post you explained that there were many people who were offended by your status updates on facebook. This was not a one time thing, you have a continual problem with drama coming from your status updates. I mean this in an honest and loving way... you should take a step back from what you are posting or posting all together. Your second post, you stated you posted about passive aggressive comments that other's made by making your own. You showed a lack of maturity and your own aggressive behavior. Keep in mind, many of your friends had the thoughtfulness to e-mail you their issues with your offensive posts instead of responding publicly in the past. Having so many problems with facebook ending friendships suggests that you might be posting things that either share too much, display an abrasive attitude toward others or are annoying. It might be wise to change your behavior from this point forward and consider the relationships you lost a hard lesson you learned from.

[Stephenie]

I'd try and let it go until after the wedding if you can... the closer it gets to a woman's wedding the more crazy and dramatic she tends to get. Asking for it back after the wedding seems like it's less likely to create drama and hard feelings. Even if you are not going to be friends, you do you really want to add extra stress to her so close to her wedding? It's best to keep things as cordial as possible if you can.

Good luck, friendship problems suck.

[MichaelsSahm]

I don't blame you for putting an end to this friendship, its toxic! I would want my jewelry back ASAP. I would first ask nicely, if they don't I would get someone legal involved!

I do however believe that facebook is almost like highschool for some people!

[peainthepod]

I agree that you should end these toxic friendships ASAP. And if you genuinely believe you won't see your jewelry again if you don't get it back immediately, there's no reason not to ask for it back. Otherwise it might be kinder to let her use it for her wedding and then expect its immediate return afterwards.

I also agree with basje that you should probably start taking a closer look at your own behavior. For instance, this

"I think it's mean and immature to put passively aggressive facebook status's up knowing that they will hurt the feelings of those they are intended for. It makes me sad."

is a statement decrying passive aggressive behavior. But the post itself is very passive aggressive! I can easily see how the hypocrisy would rub a lot of people the wrong way.

In my experience, Facebook status updates are not the place to air out private drama, no matter how "subtle" you think you're being. Save that for face-to-face conversations, phone calls, or private emails.

I'm sorry you're going through this right now. I know how stressful it can be to feel ganged up on by people you once considered friends.

[xtara2003x]

Thanks so much for your advice ladies I deeply deeply appreciate it!!!!

I definitely did have a part in the issues. The problem lies partly in the fact that the girl who is getting married is a nurse. She can not stand the fact that I don't vaccinate (none of their business!) and I do post articles showing the other side of the story (she also works on the OB floor and I post about homebirths and midwives and she hates it). I do so because I have had people tell me directly that it was because of me that they started researching for themselves. That is all my aim is at. It was NEVER to hurt anyone who believes in them or in the medical profession.

Ever since I started having my own opinions and posting "crunchy" type articles (it's never been status's they have been offended by....as I normally really don't do the passive aggressive status's...it's the articles I post and say something like..."wow I found this really interesting" that they have an issue with.)

I definitely think my comment was passive aggressive in itself......I can admit that I just got sick and tired of seeing my poor cousin be attacked (all the while she is supposed to stand up in this same wedding!). It's definitely not an excuse. I probably should have just called them personally and told them it was mean instead. I actually called my cousin first though and said there are some things going on on facebook and I think you really need to get a hold of the bridesmaids. Then after I posted my status, I went to work and came home to find I had been deleted and blocked and they were being really really mean on their fb pages (I was able to see only because my husband had them on his page and I looked at it and was horrified by the things they were saying and how they were being so cruel to me).

So after I had seen everything they had wrote, I called my cousin and read her everything that was said. She then called the bride, said she saw everything that was said and she didn't want to stand up in her wedding anymore.

Anyway..to make along story short, I did have a conversation with the bride, and she lied to me about many things. (Basically...all of the girls, (the bride, my maid of honor, the bride's sister who is just mean to everyone, and another bridesmaid) were together the night this was all going on. They were doing all of these mean things together at the same house, on the same computer, while mocking and laughing and feeling very proud of themselves. This is what was lied about..though I now know it's true.

I definitely feel like this whole thing got blown out of proportion...and I had a part in that..but at the same time I have never EVER had issues with ANY other friends about this kind of stuff..and none of my friends that I have now would ever try to intentionally hurt me as they have. There have just been far too many resentments probably on both of our ends to repair these friendships. It's sad, but at the same time, I feel relief, because I don't feel as emotional about this situation as I would (or did) a year ago or two years ago. I would have tried anything and everything to resolve things...and cried and cried about it.....yet my yearning to do that is gone...and the only thing I want back is my jewelry.

I'm still unsure of what to do about that. I don't think she would want to wear it....and I really do not want to create more drama by asking for it back..however....the quicker I tell her, she can find something else to wear, and then I can feel like our ties are over with. I don't know. I have to think on it a bit more I think.

I was just reading the Bible the other night actually....and it was talking about how sometimes people come into your life and rub you the wrong way....bring out the worst in you...etc. Others bring out the best in you and you feel so comfortable and happy around them. I feel as if these girls bring out the worst in me..and that's definitely not a good feeling to have about girls who I used to be best friends with.

Anyway..thank you all so much for taking the time in sharing your opinions and insights. They were very very helpful..and throughout my friendships with these girls I have definitely learned many many lessons that I will carry with me forever!

[lotusfloatus]

I haven't read everything about your situation, and am under the impression that the women who are offended by your parenting style are no longer on your Facebook friends list but... If there is information that you wish to share but know will offend some people, why share it with them, it just causes unnecessary drama.
On Facebook when you update your status there is a little lock under the message window that allows you to control who sees your post. You can customize to share with select people, hide from specific people etc. I may want to share with some of my friends that there is some artsy burlesque show on such and such a date that I'm excited about seeing, but I'm pretty sure my ultra religious aunt in Georgia would not be happy to see that.

[hotmamacita]

Originally Posted by xtara2003x

Hi ladies!

I have a question on a friendship dilemma I'm experiencing right now.

For a little more back story....see here:

http://www.mothering.com/discussions....php?t=1177390

We seem to have hit another bump in the road...and I'm to the point of not even wanting to resolve the situation at all.

Let's just say, they posted some really mean and nasty passive aggressive comments on facebook toward my cousin who I happen to feel defensive over. They are all standing up in one of the girls' wedding Oct. of this year. I am not as I had to turn it down due to falling pregnant earlier this Jan. (which I ended up miscarrying).

Long story short, I posted on my facebook something like "I think it's mean and immature to put passively aggressive facebook status's up knowing that they will hurt the feelings of those they are intended for. It makes me sad."

With that one comment, they proceeded to attack me on facebook, being very mean and cruel and then blocked and deleted me from their pages.

The one girl who's wedding is in Oct. called me and we talked, and things seemed "fine" and we understood one another, however when I got off the phone, I realized she had lied to me quite a bit about some things, and that I didn't even feel the desire to reconcile anything at all any more (and also days after we talked and supposedly resolved things..she has still yet to unblock me or add me back as her friend).

Since going through 2 miscarriages this year, I feel life is just far too important and these girls have brought my life nothing but drama and chaos for the past 3.5 years (ever since DD was born). I wand to end the friendship...and keep them out of my life and be done with it. That chapter is closed...and I can not endure any more stress that they have brought to my life.

My question is.......the girl who's wedding is in October asked to borrow my wedding jewelry for her wedding as her something borrowed. I agreed, and gave her the jewelery around April or May of this year.

What should I do about the jewelry situation? Ask to have it back? Wait until her wedding is over and then get it back? I am not going to be attending the wedding any longer, nor will I attend her bachelorette or bridal shower. I really am done..and feel that I can not have a solid friendship with people who clearly go out of their way to hurt people on purpose.

Is it petty of me to request my jewelry back right now so close to her wedding date? Her wedding is Oct. 30th....or do I have a right to do so if we are no longer friends - also, if we're not friends anymore anyway, why would she want to use my jewelry?

WWYD?

I would meet with her face to face and either reconcile or ask for the jewelry back.

And stay off FB. It is no substitue for real relationship.

[Snapdragon]

Yes, as you change and grow old friendships can fall away and no longer serve. It sounds like these people are mean (or act meanly!) and I think it is wise that you are moving away from having them in your life. I hope some wonderful kind friendships come to you.