Vent about laziness, or wth-- I don't know!

[darien]

Yesterday was a GORGEOUS day here. It was perfect weather for the yearly block party in my "old neighborhood," where stbx still lives. My friend who runs the party told me I was required to come .

It was stbx's weekend with our boys, but I figured he would bring them. We've attended every year-- even stbx, and he didn't "do" family outings/social events. Despite the party being 30 seconds from his front door, they didn't come (I know for sure that he got an invite). The boys' friends and neighbors all wondered where they were.

I tried to give stbx the benefit of the doubt, hoping he was doing something fun with the boys. When I called to say goodnight to them, I found out that the only time they'd left the house was to do grocery shopping. No outing, no play in the yard, even. A boring errand that neither boy enjoys. Typical.

[sparklefairy]

This happens with my kids' dad too. I think it's depression in his case. He just doesn't have energy for anything except what he absolutely has to do (work).

I totally understand your frustration. I struggle to step back and let him spend his time with them as he sees fit, keeping in mind that they are safe, fed, clothed, and housed, and not being abused.

[meemee]

personality plays a role here. which is why even though i dont like it, i understand.

ex is a v. private person and a loner. he hates anything social. he really struggles with it.

even today he has a hard time and dd is 8. he never really takes her to the park. the only real social thing they do together is eat out or visit friends once in a rare while.

dd is just the opposite. extremely social so our custody works out perfectly for us.

however in your ex's case it might be depression if he didnt even go out into the backyard. i cant remember if you have been separated for a long time. but if its within the year then i think its reasonable.

the age also makes a difference. ex didnt go out with dd till she was 5 closer to 6. before that they did all home activities with rare visits to the park.

however depending on your children's ages i wouldnt believe everything they say. they may say they havent been outdoors when they maybe went for an hour but it wasnt too long for them. even now dd sometimes will tell me daddy didnt give me breakfast. so i ask her NOTHING? and she said well i just had a bowl fo cereal but no breakfast.

[darien]

I hear ya, ladies. I got the scoop on what they'd done that day from my teen ds, so I assume it's accurate.

Stbx is a non-social loner, too, and I get that. I'm not expecting much in that department. He's being a better dad now than he was when we were together, so I try to keep that in mind. As for depression, IDK-- he seems to have more "life" to him now that we're separated. Good on him, so do I!

My thing is, this was a once a year event, that the boys look forward to, and he didn't take them. Heck, he could have sent them alone, and they would have been fine. He could have suggested trading weekends so I could have taken them. I just HATE when my kids miss fun things because their dad won't take them.

[mimim]

Maybe next time something special comes up like this you can suggest switching weekends yourself? My exh tends to just let the kids busy themselves around the place when they are with him too. I try to mention events along these lines to my exh and often he does take the kids if I bring it up. Other than that, I just make sure that they are active when they are with me. It's a bit of a strain, because I am a non-social loner who would prefer to stay home most of the day, but overall I think he has a right to make his own decisions about outings and so forth.

[meemee]

Originally Posted by darien

He could have suggested trading weekends so I could have taken them. I just HATE when my kids miss fun things because their dad won't take them.

forget the "he" part. organise that YOURSELF. even after 6 years I still do this. remind ex of special things during his time and ask him if he wants to take dd or if i should.

some of the things i remind him because i think its a good event for him that he could relate to like science night or art night at school.

so that's why my dd never ever misses any fun things I know about because i arrange it in such a way that dd gets to go - either with me, a friend or ex.

so i do what mimin suggested.

actually i end up doing a lot of the activities because i enjoy them too. like the talent show. for ex its a waste of time. and he doesnt really enjoy it. he doesnt like interacting with other parents. he has never, ever taken dd for any bday party except her bf one time.

i also dont push anything.

because now that my dd is growing up she recognises when her dad is humoring her and she doesnt like it. she wants him to be involved and enjoying it too.

they do certain 'loner' activities together which i am grateful for as he is v. good with it. they take bike rides together. they sometimes ride long distances on tandem bikes. he does great art projects and science projects with her at home.

that is why i call us a great combination. i am the outdoors social person, and ex is the inhome fun activiites person.