My kid pinched someone in church today

[One_Girl]

My child pinched someone in the chime choir today at church. I think I have gone horribly wrong as a mom. She has been trying out meanness lately and I am not sure how to address it. It started out as very isolated incidents and has been moving up. Now she glares, yells, and apparently pinches at the drop of a hat. She isn't happy that I am working again and she is going through puberty, but I am a single mom and need to work and she has been going through puberty for several months so I don't think that is the reason behind this. I spend almost all of my free time with her, connect with her on a daily basis by doing things she wants to do, I listen to her, empathize with her, problem solve with her, and nothing is getting through to her. She is in her room now and right now I will be happy to have her stay there indefinitely. I don't know what to do and I am just done.

[Ornery]

I hear your frustration. It is so hard to not feel like their misbehavior is a reflection of you. Unfortunately, no sage advice for you but I did want to say I can empathize with you. My oldest ds has gone through several very difficult stages and, honestly, just when I think I've gotten this parenting thing down with him, some dynamic changes and I have to figure everything out again!

[One_Girl]

Thank you for that support! I have cooled off and we talked. I think that she is dealing with a lot and expressing herself inappropriately. She started school a couple weeks ago, is in a new daycare, our dog just passed away, and she is still not happy that I am working so much. I think she is testing a lot and having a hard time coping with all the newness and sadness. Hopefully we can work through a lot of this soon.

[greeny]

How old is she? You mention going through puberty but also being in daycare, so I'm a little confused about her age.

Both my kids went through "mean" phases, and it was soooo frustrating. My ds went through a horrible biting phase from age 2 - 3.5 or so. It was awful.

[One_Girl]

She is 7, almost 8. Normal puberty starts between 8 and 13 so she is slightly early but not out of the daycare age for another four years. Around here it is common for kids to be in daycare or supervised by a babysitter in the summer and after school until they are in juniour high.

[lilyka]

Well puberty is no excuse. She will be there for a very long time and will need to learn to deal with it. On the upside this sounds like pretty normal seven year old behavior especially under the circumstances. I would just firmly and consistantly correct the behavior. If she can not be nice in choir then she should not be allowed to continue going (My kids sing in the adult choir , my youngest starting when she was 5, and they get one chance. If they act up they get sent back to me and do not get to continue participating. if it were to happen regularly we would not try any more.) If she is in the middoe of a playdate and gets ean then play time is over. just be firm and consistant with yur epectations. Correct as needed and be sure to also be proactive in teaching her proper ways to handle her emotions.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by lilyka

Well puberty is no excuse. She will be there for a very long time and will need to learn to deal with it.

Prior to puberty, pretty much everyone who knew me considered me to be extremely mature for my age, and I didn't hit puberty until I was 12. I was a trainwreck. All the "learn how to deal with it" in the world doesn't mean squat when you're a child coping with PMS and stuff like that. I can't even being to imagine dealing with something like that the age of the OP's dd.

OP: I have no idea if this is what's going on with your dd, but have you considered whether she might be suffering from PMS-like hormonal issues? I was a whole different person during puberty, and that person was volatile, violent and sullen...and I couldn't do anything about it. I felt like someone had taken over my body.

[One_Girl]

Originally Posted by Storm Bride

Prior to puberty, pretty much everyone who knew me considered me to be extremely mature for my age, and I didn't hit puberty until I was 12. I was a trainwreck. All the "learn how to deal with it" in the world doesn't mean squat when you're a child coping with PMS and stuff like that. I can't even being to imagine dealing with something like that the age of the OP's dd.

OP: I have no idea if this is what's going on with your dd, but have you considered whether she might be suffering from PMS-like hormonal issues? I was a whole different person during puberty, and that person was volatile, violent and sullen...and I couldn't do anything about it. I felt like someone had taken over my body.

She doesn't seem to have the PMS ups and downs at set intervals, but she is quicker with her emotions than she used to be, especially when she is irritated. We have had more talks lately about lashing out with inappropriate words and yelling when angry, she tells me she made a mistake and couldn't help herself and she seems so sincere about it, I see how hard she is trying and I know that it is a struggle for her at times. I have to keep reminding myself to not overreact and to work with her gently, which I failed at today.

I had a similar experience when I started at the age my dd is now and I remember the out of control anger and how scary it was to be so young and feel so much rage. I know she is a great kid and trying hard, this lashing out isn't her. I really do think puberty and the hormones that go with it have a huge impact and that I should have been much more gentle today when working through this. It sometimes seems hard to find the right response to what she is going through because she is sometimes so much like a child and needing the firm response that works for children and at other times that feels to controlling to her and it escalates things. I sometimes don't know what to do. For a brief time today I felt like I wasn't cut out for this and like I should give up, luckily that has passed and we pulled together for an awesome afternoon of one on one time.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by One_Girl

She doesn't seem to have the PMS ups and downs at set intervals, but she is quicker with her emotions than she used to be, especially when she is irritated. We have had more talks lately about lashing out with inappropriate words and yelling when angry, she tells me she made a mistake and couldn't help herself and she seems so sincere about it, I see how hard she is trying and I know that it is a struggle for her at times. I have to keep reminding myself to not overreact and to work with her gently, which I failed at today.

I had a similar experience when I started at the age my dd is now and I remember the out of control anger and how scary it was to be so young and feel so much rage. I know she is a great kid and trying hard, this lashing out isn't her. I really do think puberty and the hormones that go with it have a huge impact and that I should have been much more gentle today when working through this. It sometimes seems hard to find the right response to what she is going through because she is sometimes so much like a child and needing the firm response that works for children and at other times that feels to controlling to her and it escalates things. I sometimes don't know what to do. For a brief time today I felt like I wasn't cut out for this and like I should give up, luckily that has passed and we pulled together for an awesome afternoon of one on one time.

This is probably pretty obvious, but it wasn't when I was going through it, so I'll throw it out there. Have you looked at her diet, and her intake of the B vitamins, in particular? My mom came across something about that in Prevention (back when it was about health, not about the "400 calorie fix") and put me on B complex. It didn't make the problem go away, but it did have some ameliorative effect.

Mine also wasn't the regular, set intervals kind of thing. I don't even know if it was technically PMS (this was in '80 or '81, and PMS wasn't a well knwn term yet...that happened a few years later). But, it was fundamentally the same thing, except for timing...and it's never been anywhere near as bad again (except maybe intermittently since we lost Aaron in '07, but I don't know how much of that was physical/hormonal and how much was emotional/psychological, yk?).

[AbbieB]

OP, I think you are doing great. All of us have times where we feel lost and want to throw in the towel. Especially during these growth spurt/transition times when the old stuff is not working and we are searching for new ways to meet our kids needs.

My DD will be 7 next month and I see her body changing and becoming more womanly. I won't say she has started puberty but it's not to far off. Her moods swing all over the place, especially when there is a stressful event or 3 going on or when she has had more junk and less good foods.

I have found that when she is behaving in a way that shows she is feeling out of control emotionally it helps to not escalate a situation by being to aggressive with discipline. So I let her tantrum or vent her anger verbally and try to remain calm and cool. I hold the line when she gets physical (hitting and throwing) sometimes having to isolate her from others. I'm free with the hugs once she is calm enough to want one. When the episode is over I never hold her tantrum behavior against her but we do talk about the event that started it off.

I think the key is to continue to stay connected and to be free with the love. Hugs, bed time snuggles, washing her hair for her, playing video games together, swinging int he hammock together, drawing... these are all things I see working for us at the moment.

Also, never underestimate the power of the outdoors for a big dose of calm/centering.

[theatermom]

Originally Posted by Storm Bride

Prior to puberty, pretty much everyone who knew me considered me to be extremely mature for my age, and I didn't hit puberty until I was 12. I was a trainwreck. All the "learn how to deal with it" in the world doesn't mean squat when you're a child coping with PMS and stuff like that. I can't even being to imagine dealing with something like that the age of the OP's dd.

OP: I have no idea if this is what's going on with your dd, but have you considered whether she might be suffering from PMS-like hormonal issues? I was a whole different person during puberty, and that person was volatile, violent and sullen...and I couldn't do anything about it. I felt like someone had taken over my body.

This! My mom used to say that prior to age 12, I was an awesome, mature, *easy* child to parent, and that after 12, I turned into a hateful wretch (a harsh judgment perhaps, but she wasn't prepared to navigate the changes I went through any more than I was). It really did seem like a night/day change. There were unusual stresses in our lives, but any stresses on top of puberty are really difficult to handle. I can't imagine how much harder it would have been had I been a few years younger when it started. Puberty can't be disciplined away.

It sounds like you and your dd are back on track, OP. GL! I firmly believe that connections are everything, especially during times of change and transition.