Taking steps towards making a friend, versus feeling like a stalker?

[Teensy]

I can't be the only one who walks this fine line.

You call or email to invite a potential friend to do something (meet for coffee, see a movie, take a walk, come for a cook-out). They say, "Thanks, I'd love to, but I can't on that date." You wait a bit, then issue a second invitation for a different activity. They reply the same way.

Do you try a third time? Do you assume they really would like to join you for coffee/movie/walk/cook-out/whatever activity, but DID have a conflict? Or would you assume they are nicely blowing you off because they aren't interested/have enough friends/don't have time for such activities/think you are a lunatic and have no desire to spend any time with you?

I have a couple of friendly acquaintances that I would like to try to become friends with, but they have turned down my requests to join me in activities.

I tend to be a neurotic, low self-esteem worrier, so I wonder: What are the guidelines for trying a second, third, or fourth time to initiate an activity with someone you'd like to be friends with?

I do have some ability to make friends. I just seemed cursed this past decade with making friends with women whose husbands get transferred out of state a year later (four good friends lost this way so far - I must be a good luck charm as far as promotions go, sigh), and this whole making new friends things brings out the middle-schooler in me.

[xtara2003x]

Hmm....I definitely understand that feeling!!

Maybe you could ask THEM when it would be a good time to get together? You could email them or something or call them and see if they would like to......let's say..go to a movie sometime soon. Then if they say yes, ask them what days work for them?? If they can't really find a time in the next few weeks maybe they really are too busy or something?

Do you think that might work?

[CrazyCatLady]

I went a bunch of years with out any friends after my daughter was born. This last year I've managed to make a lot. One thing that I've noticed is that if they want to hang out, they are usually just as eager as I am to do so. If I feel like I'm pulling teeth, then they probably aren't interested.

I'll ask one or two times, and then after that I'll just let them know to hit me up if they ever want to ________. The people that end up becoming my friends will usually make getting together happen with out too much fuss.

Of course, that's as long as I'm putting myself out there. Which it sounds like you're doing. I hope you meet some great new friends soon. It happened for me the year I started hsing my dd.

[AtYourCervices]

Originally Posted by CrazyCatLady

I went a bunch of years with out any friends after my daughter was born. This last year I've managed to make a lot. One thing that I've noticed is that if they want to hang out, they are usually just as eager as I am to do so. If I feel like I'm pulling teeth, then they probably aren't interested.

I've made a lot of friends over the past few years as well, and they've all made time for hanging out. I have made friends with some people who had very busy lives, too. In those cases, they would tell me "Well, I'm not available on such and such days this week, but I would be free to hang out on these days/times."

I did try to make friends with some people who seemed to blow me off. I let it be. I didn't push things after a couple attempts at hanging out. No biggie. If they weren't interested in hanging out with me, I wasn't interested in hanging out with them. In almost every single situation I did get to know the person casually and I did realize that I wasn't interested in being good friends with them. There is this one woman I think is pretty darn nifty and she always says we should hang out but we never do.

And then there have been other instances where I gave up after a few attempts, only to be contacted a few months later by the person trying to set up a time to get together. In both of those instances, those individuals really did have a lot going on in their life, they were stressed, and they were experiencing a period where they just wanted to isolate.


My suggestion is to wait a couple weeks then invite them out one last time. Make it a specific event that you're planning on going to anyways that you know that person would be interested in. Examples: Improv comedy show, film festival, music show, etc. If they decline the third time, just suggest that they make plans to hang out soon, and give them specific days & times when YOU are available. Put the ball in their court. If they don't make any suggestions right away, then they just aren't interested.

[LROM]

I kinda fall into the camp that after 2 invitations, if they don't say something like "I know I can't do this but I *really do* want to hang out, keep calling" or they don't suggest dates they are free, then I chalk it up to "Too busy or not interested" and move on.

The people who are too busy, sometimes they come back, as a PP said. But I figure most people who are really interested in becoming friends will say something to show they are also interested by the 2nd time I ask and they decline an invitation.

And then there's always that catch 22/vicious cycle thing about "the more important it is to you that they respond, the more desperate you seem" which SUCKS so bad, but it does mean that while you're pursuing these new friendships, keep doing whatever work you can on yourself to beef up your self-esteem and courage and true understanding that you never know why people decline, many times it has NOTHING to do with you. And whatever the reason, you shouldn't take it as a reflection on your own worth.

I know, easier said than done! But it's true, and sometimes the energy you're putting out along with your invite can affect the response you get. So just try to be as mellow and chill as you can about the whole thing and try not to get too upset/attached to what happens!

Best of luck, you sound like a lovely person and I know there are people out there who'd count themselves lucky to have you as a friend!

[Magelet]

I definitely understand the feeling. However I've lost friendships (or rather, never really got them seriously off the ground) before because they really really were crazy busy, and I didn't keep asking.

I know that all of my friends and I wanna be their friends are really genuinely crazy busy, so honestly? I just keep asking, and keep silencing the voice inside my head that occasionally says "maybe they don't like you". Now if they'd never been friendly, or made a I wanna be friends move I might eventually give up, but if they've ever indicated they want to be friends, I'll keep trying and blame their busy schedule, when they turn me down. and sometimes they say yes and we have a blast.

apparently, I choose to be friends with incredibly busy women who rarely have time to get together. my best "get together often" success though has been with friends who we either happen to do the same thing at the same place each week or I introduced them to the thing I do weekly, and then we get together and hang out while doing it. (synogogue with one friend, irish dancing with anohter)

[DariusMom]

Originally Posted by LROM

I kinda fall into the camp that after 2 invitations, if they don't say something like "I know I can't do this but I *really do* want to hang out, keep calling" or they don't suggest dates they are free, then I chalk it up to "Too busy or not interested" and move on.

This.

You know, I'm busy but if someone I'd genuinely like to get to know better asks me to do something and I can't, I'll suggest alternate dates/times/place. I've even been known to say, "The next two months are terrible for me due to travel for work and deadlines. However, I'd love to meet up in the Fall. Should we try and get together then?" (or some variation).

If potential friend doesn't suggest alternative possibilities for meeting up, I'd probably just drop it.

Hang in there. I know how hard this kind of stuff is.

[cristina47454]

I have issues with this too. It's kind of like the courtship dance...you don't want to seem too desperate or like you want them more than they want you, lol. That being said, I think moms are honestly VERY busy, and I know that the people that I end up being friends with are the ones that are persistent. I have initiated a couple of attempts that were not reciprocated. One of the women I REALLY liked and I got all insecure, but as soon as I stopped stressing about it I realized that she actually WAS reciprocating, just not the way I envisioned she "should". The other woman I was indifferent about, and I let it go. (They are both working moms). However, now that fall is here, my kids are signed up for stuff that their kids are signed up for and I am hopeful that it blossoms into friendship. And if it doesn't, casual interaction is fine by me too.

[llwr]

I like the idea of casual acquaintances for a while. You don't have to give up altogether, but maybe you could start a friendship a little more slowly. I definately wouldn't push invitations after 2-3. I think that still leaves the possibility open for the future.

Personally, too many invitaions would make me run and hide. Some of DH's friends definately fell into the stalker category a few years ago. DH who was already friends with them was traveling for work. They had just moved to the area and we had been there for a couple of months. They kept calling and calling and calling.... so much that I turned my phone off and cried. These people wanted to do something like twice a week every week.

Maybe it's just me, and I'm not good at friends, but I need to be able to go a little slower. I really didn't dislike those people; I think it could have turned out fine if we had some boundaries about how often we would go out with them. Really, the conflict was between DH and I, but it was caused by the constant invitations.

[Harmony08]

Oh yes me too. I tend to shut down after about two invitations. I just can't really put myself out more than that. Then I may say something like " Oh we love that park. Feel free to text me if you go" or something else along the lines of you know how to reach me if you want me. This way I feel like if they do actually want to get together they will call and if they really don't I don't spend any more energy on them.

[Dandelionkid]

I'm pretty clueless socially. I was invited twice to someones house for dinner and couldn't both times because of work although I really wanted to. The thing is, I didn't say "how about next week?" or something like that because then it felt like I was inviting myself over. My socially smart husband let me in on the fact I should have suggested another date but in the meantime she never called back. Whoops. Sometimes it isn't personal at all

[Punchy Kaby]

I'll chime in, I'm often at the receiving end of invitations and I try to do some social things but as a working mom there will be 3 month periods where I have no time to do anything and any time I have free I want to relax at home by myself. I like to take friendships really slowly. I have several times made play dates with people I like. If someone is introverted (I am) spending time alone is a little scary if you don't know them.

So, my advice is ask twice and then leave it alone for awhile. This is a really busy time of year with school starting and work schedules vamping up.

[Ravenlunatic]

I think you should keep trying.
I say this because there is a friend I now have and it took soooo long for use to really get together and I was the initiator mostly. I did get a response from her early on and so did know that she was somewhat interested in friendship, but it did take me a very long time of inviting her to really get the friendship going.

I think all people are diffferent and that people are busy and weeks and weeks can go by without me seeing some of my friends.

I would be persistant with in the same conversation. Like oh, you can't come to the park with us today... what about Wed? or how about Saturday. We could do something then. It would become pretty easy to see if they were wiggling to get out of every event.... or they agree and then later cancel. And so what if they don't want to be friends.... you'll find someone who does soon enough.

[provocativa]

also, you might say, if you don't want to do x, then what would you like to do, and when? and don't take refusals as a reflection on you- they might have a lot going on in their life. i know that when i was in my abusive marriage, i couldn't go anywhere- he would be mean to the kids if i was gone for more than a grocery trip. and though that chapter of my life is over, there are all kinds of events i don't like to go to, because one of my kids is hyperactive. a cookout is a workout for me unless certain criteria are met, like a fenced in yard and physical activity for the kids, and i might be to embarassed to say i was too broke for a movie.

[momo7]

I am really glad that you posted this question because I am the exact. same. way. If some one cancels I think they don't like me, my mind makes up things that I end up believing, which in reality, aren't true at all. Stupid things. I just don't believe that people like me. I have friends but I am always second guessing myself and trying to talk myself into believing that they really don't like me, they only act like they do. I know it's I try to believe the best about myself.

Keep trying.