How to deal with a disobedient 4 y old?

[Triniity]

Hi there,
my sweet darling little girl is driving me a bit nuts at the moment . She is misbehaving, like throwing stuff, hitting or pushing her brother, getting tantrums and plain old not listening like in: NO! I WON'T !

Situation yesterday for example: She kept throwing things at dinnertime. I was alone with the two kiddos and trying to get food on the table. I told her, if she wouldn't stop she would have to eat alone in her room. Than she started being mean to her (two year old) brother. I told her that I will not tolerate this kind of behaviour and that she will have to go upstairs now, to keep her brother save. She said no, I wanted to carrie her and she punched me in the face. I got a wee bit angry and shouted at her. Put her upstairs, where she cried for a couple of minutes, than asked her if she will behave, she said yes she will, I got her downstairs for dinner.

I hate these situations. I hate that I screamed at her (but it was really, really painfull, and I am kind of proud that I did not hit her in response ) And I hate that she had to cry. I remember this situations being a child myself and feeling horrible. And I don´t want her to feel horrible.

Please, any suggestions are so welcome!

trin

[Fujiko]

So sorry mama, misbehaving kids are never fun.

I think prevention is key. It was dinnertime, so I bet she was hungry. Is there a small snack you could give her maybe 1/2 hour or so before meal time so her blood sugar isn't too low? Nothing substantial, maybe a graham cracker or what have you.

I also find that my daughter acts out when she feels neglected. Maybe you could give her a small job to do, like putting the silverware on the table, before mealtimes? And heap on the encouragement and praise. Or just engage her verbally if you are able. If nothing else, maybe you could pull out a special puzzle or coloring book that she normally wouldn't have access to, to occupy her while you are busy.

[RoViMama]

I'm right there with you!!! DD is a April 4 yr old. And I have an almost 2 yr old. One thing I found helpful around eating time is to give DD a job--put out the forks, napkins, take orders (everyone gets the same thing, but it's a distraction)!! DD is like me when hungry--cranky!! So I try to give her a snack of something and don't freak out if she then doesn't eat dinner, at least there isn't a meltdown.
Also today, she screamed and spit at me b/c the dog ate her tortilla after I told her to be careful. I scooped her up and carreid her downstairs and put her in her room. She knows she can come back up when she is calm. DD is very aware of emotion words and she will tell me "I'm aggravated with you!" I'm okay with that. When I carry her, I make sure she is facing away from me. I also make sure to pick my battles VERY carefully. I find that I ignore a lot of things that others might not. Im not sure if that will bite me in the butt later but it works for now.
She does end up crying sometimes but I know I am not being mean or spiteful so I'm okay with her crying. That is the way she expresses her frustration over a situation. I do the same thing.
There are times I think about hitting and just try to envision it. I have not done so in 4 yrs and I don't see the point in starting now but sometimes the thought is there on how other people might handle the situation. I do yell on occasion. She does too. But we do ALOT of laughing and joking as well. If I can handle it with humor or a game or contest, that's what works for us.
Good luck--know you are not alone--4 is hard

[Triniity]

I am trying the things you mentioned, it is just not always possible. In this situation she was probably dead tired - she had a snack beforehand (consisting of chocolat cookie dough - so maybe it was the sugar?!) and we spent the afternoon baking together, so lots of encouragement and little jobs. I asked her to put the silverware out just before she lost it...

I just hate when she is mean to her brother. It feels like she is mean because she can. Taking stuff away from him and things like that. I am totally not sure what to do with this behaviour.

So you think that removing her from the situation is fine? I am just not really sure how to "distract" her, when in the time I'll try that, the muffins burn and the noodles overcook ... How do you actually do that?
In situations where you can just remove them from the scene even if they cry because your dinner is lost otherwise... It is difficult.. ...

how obedient do you want your four year old?

[COgirl19]

Removing her from the situation is absolutely OK. You warned her a couple of times, she couldn't get herself under control and it looks like removing her to her bedroom allowed her to calm down. I don't even view that as punishment...sometimes I need to remove myself from situations to get a handle on it too. I think you are helping them learn to do that.

And yes, sometimes they will feel bad/frustrated/angry/upset. But that's an inevitable part of life right? You can't (and don't think you should) prevent it. It's only our job to give them the right tools to handle those emotions appropriately.

[Triniity]

Yes, I think that is the way to go, give them the opportunity to work through their emotions in the safe place that only a loving family can offer !

Thanks, all!

[jamiew]

I've been trying to just not say anything if my daughter hits me. I just look away or look very serious at her. She knows she's not supposed to hit.

I second the "low blood sugar" suggestion. My dd always gets wicked when she's hungry! I let her snack all the time just so she doesn't get crazy. I always have these ideal scenes of us all sitting down nicely to dinner, but if she's hungry and doesn't want what I've made, I have to find something else right away or she gets nuts.

I'm sure you know all that though.

[RoViMama]

With the regard to hurting siblings, I would say she has to 1) stay by you if she can't make better choices, 2) get brother and remove both of you away from her to keep him safe. a 4 yr old understands keeping safe. I would also praise her when she does do something helpful for brother, even if it's little. Also remember that little brothers can be a pain the butt if they are always getting into stuff or crying. i sometimes sympathize with ODD that "yeah, little sisters can be annoying. come over here and play where she can't be." But I also show her how her behavior affects little sister. "Yeah, little sister is trying to copy everything you do. So that's why it's important to TRY to make the right choices. Sometimes it is hard, but we are older than sister so it's our job to show her the right way." My ODD likes to be a leader so it works.
And some distractions I do right from the kitchen. If they are both at the table and bothering, I (while cooking or what ever) call ODD over, "Hey Ro, can you get this cup for me." I might not need it but I'm sure going to find a purpose for it. I thank her for helping me and suggest that she go play with something.

Regarding how obedient--I aim for 70-80%. I expect meltdowns and arguments. I also allow the two of them to work a lot of stuff out.(As long as its not too physical) Usually, they figure it out and they decide its better to play with each other than to cry with each other.