late night confessions

[mexicali mami]

Thanks to all who commented.

[LoveOhm]

I want to note that I think your post is better suited in Parents As Partners given that you are not a single parent and are not contemplating being a single parent. So perhaps the Mods will move this so you can get more related responses.

It must break you heart to even type something so honest. No one can tell you what is best for your family there is no one size fits all answer that can ever tell what your child will or will not remember, harbor, understand, rationalize or loathe. So no one can answer your questions.

Honestly if you feel like you "wouldn't mind not having the responsibility" of you child then your child is already picking up on some odd vibe from you. What I felt most after reading your post is that perhaps you should take some time away to focus on you. Not to run into a relationship. I would suggest reading the Artist Way and readdressing the issue after you finish the 12 weeks in The Artist Way.

There is not an all or nothing! No you don't have to stay in an unhappy marriage, you can seek counseling together, you can be an amazing co-parent have plenty of freedom and have your dc 50% of the time. You can have your child EOW if you want ---- there are options. If the love of this man out the country is worth you moving then your dc is worth the man moving to where you are!!!!

Best of luck!

[NolaRiordan]

I urge you to get some counseling before you do anything. Just from reading this post it sounds to me like you are looking for something or someone to make you happy. You need to figure out how to be happy on your own.

If you leave your son you risk losing custody. What happens if you come back and his dad decides he wants full custody?

Even f he is in good care with his father having a mother leave him to go be with another man will be psychologically devastating for him. I have seen it happen time and time again and I have seen kids that struggle their whole lives with feelings of abandonment.

[MissLotus]

If you want to know the truth, it would damage your relationship with your child to leave him, voluntarily, for an extended period of time. There are just no two ways around that. You would also, as a PP says, risk losing custody. You say, "I have always been there for him" but he is only 3. He is still your responsibility.

I don't see that your child and his father have to be a package deal. It's not like if you stay, you necessarily have to stay with his father! Why don't you file for custody, and while you're at it you can request (it may or may not be granted) to travel with your child - the fact that your ex announced you are "not allowed" to take your child out of the country may not hold true.

I also agree that having an relationship immediately upon ending your current relationship is never a good idea. Although none of them left their kids behind, in the past two years I have seen three mothers I know do this upon divorcing - they immediately dated and have no idea how to be alone. It is really great to know how to be alone and not be needy for someone else. And if you think you need this new guy, think how much your kid needs you.

If this Australian guy is so great, let him come to you. If he has a job in Australia or whatever, so what? You have a child where you are.

[cycle]

Originally Posted by MissLotus

If you want to know the truth, it would damage your relationship with your child to leave him, voluntarily, for an extended period of time. There are just no two ways around that. You would also, as a PP says, risk losing custody. You say, "I have always been there for him" but he is only 3. He is still your responsibility.

I don't see that your child and his father have to be a package deal. It's not like if you stay, you necessarily have to stay with his father! Why don't you file for custody, and while you're at it you can request (it may or may not be granted) to travel with your child - the fact that your ex announced you are "not allowed" to take your child out of the country may not hold true.

I also agree that having an relationship immediately upon ending your current relationship is never a good idea. Although none of them left their kids behind, in the past two years I have seen three mothers I know do this upon divorcing - they immediately dated and have no idea how to be alone. It is really great to know how to be alone and not be needy for someone else. And if you think you need this new guy, think how much your kid needs you.

If this Australian guy is so great, let him come to you. If he has a job in Australia or whatever, so what? You have a child where you are.

I totally agree with MissLotus.

[Halfasianmomma]

Hmm what a difficult post to respond to. You seem to berate yourself for expressing needs that aren't met by anyone/anything at the moment. I doubt Australian guy will fulfill them...or perhaps he would only fufill them for a time.

As pp have said, I would seriously consider counselling before making any move, and trying very hard to figure out why you are not happy at the moment and how you can work to achieve that happiness. There's no danger in waiting to consider your next step.

Also, I'd like to point out that if Australian guy is THE ONE and is meant to be, then there's no sense in forcing things, and hurling yourself across the Atlantic. It'll just happen in its own good time. *However* your relationship with your son, who is only 3, needs nurturing and care to keep developping. IMO if you leave now, it'll negatively impact that relationship, possibly for good.

I may be wrong, but I get the sense that you're not necessarily happy in a monogamous relationship setting. Perhaps you're meant to be polyamorous, who knows? That being said, it's possible to keep being there for your son as he grows up--perhaps separating from his father and sharing custody, *while* exploring other romantic and personal avenues.

[mexicali mami]

Thanks again

[confustication]

A lot of this comes from being mentally unstable. Getting super high and super low and not really knowing which is the real me. Which is just one more reason why DH could get custody.

Take a step back. You are allowing an illness to consume you- to drive your decisions, and to damage your relationships. You have to look at what you want. End the affair, focus on the health of your marriage and family, and create balance in your life. You will feel lost and alone and numb without the highs and lows as you strive for that balance. It will be hellish and scary and you will be bored and miss the intensity of life and trying to define yourself within your own life- but it is better in the end.

If you aren't already on a mood stabilizer, talk to your therapist, i would suggest looking into it.

I got through college, and working two jobs as well as writing amazing papers because the highs were SO productive, and amazing, and I loved them and when they faded, it just made the world come crashing down so I wanted to run somewhere to find that wonderful vibrant 'me'. You can't ever run far enough or find anything to make it enough. You have to do the work yourself within the framework of your own life.

I don't use medications at this point in time, but I may consider them again if there is a need. I order to be sane/healthy/content within my own world, I have had to learn to create stability even though the thought of it makes my skin crawl. It took about a year of intense discomfort before I began to feel comfortable and safe within the confines of 'normal' emotion- without those highs and lows that had previously defined me. Ultimately, I'm happier and a better mother for having done that work. I will admit that I miss the manic periods, I could do ANYTHING at those times- but I have learned that I can do those things anyway, I just have to work harder now and I can't write a 40 page paper in a matter of a couple hours anymore.

[VocalMinority]

Originally Posted by MissLotus

If you want to know the truth, it would damage your relationship with your child to leave him, voluntarily, for an extended period of time. There are just no two ways around that... You say, "I have always been there for him" but he is only 3. He is still your responsibility.

I don't see that your child and his father have to be a package deal. It's not like if you stay, you necessarily have to stay with his father!...

I also agree that having an relationship immediately upon ending your current relationship is never a good idea. Although none of them left their kids behind, in the past two years I have seen three mothers I know do this upon divorcing - they immediately dated and have no idea how to be alone. It is really great to know how to be alone and not be needy for someone else. And if you think you need this new guy, think how much your kid needs you.

If this Australian guy is so great, let him come to you. If he has a job in Australia or whatever, so what? You have a child where you are.

I wholeheartedly agree with this.

But here...

Originally Posted by MissLotus

You would also, as a PP says, risk losing custody... Why don't you file for custody, and while you're at it you can request (it may or may not be granted) to travel with your child - the fact that your ex announced you are "not allowed" to take your child out of the country may not hold true.

The mother is not always the parent who should have custody. If a mother goes beyond day-dreaming about ditching her parenting responsibilities and leaving her very young child with her husband; if she follows through, that sounds like an obvious case where the father would be the preferable primary caregiver. We should encourage the OP to reconsider because she will regret leaving her child; NOT to keep her husband from getting custody. Nor is it right - for the child - to encourage her to figure out how she might take her child with her, to pursue her Aussie BF. The child's other parent - who's not considering leaving him - is in Mexico.

If the genders were reversed - if a father posted that his wife led a traditional, child-focused life that he'd come to find boring and he wanted to ditch it all "for a while" and chase a new, hot woman around the world - I cannot imagine anyone advising him, "Think twice! You don't want your wife to get custody! Maybe if you handle things right, the court will let you move your son out of the country, even if your wife doesn't want to be separated from him!" No. Other mothers would advise such a father that if those are the priorities he's chosen, he shouldn't take his son away from the parent whose priorities are home and family. Let's not be sexist.

OP: I'm glad you seem to have had a change of heart, before you did things you surely would have regretted. Good for you.

[confustication]

Originally Posted by Jeannine

I wholeheartedly agree with what she said.

Just one other thing to think about... The mother is not always the parent who should have custody. If the OP wants to leave her only-3-year-old child with his father, for a temporary - but indeterminate - period of time, then it sounds like the father may be the best person to be the primary caregiver. I am not saying you should leave, OP. Even getting your own place - in the same city - and seeing your child several times a week, separate from your husband would be better for your child than relocating out of the country. But if the OP knows herself - and knows that she drifts toward prioritizing partying and an exciting love-life over the type of stability that's good for a young child, then people shouldn't push her to reconsider just to make sure her husband doesn't get custody. It sounds like he should have it - and that she's OK with that.

I think it is really important to note that she is aware that she is currently dealing with significant bipolar disorder that is not well controlled. She really can't/shouldn't make any decisions that will have a long-term impact at this point in time. It would be very easy for her to decide that in this moment her child is better off with his father, but in the long term it may be a decision she regrets.

I'm not a fan of anyone making decisions like that when they aren't emotionally healthy.

I do agree with you though that sometimes the best place for a child is with the other parent, and it is an amazing and courageous parent who can make that choice selflessly.

[VocalMinority]

Originally Posted by confustication

sometimes the best place for a child is with the other parent, and it is an amazing and courageous parent who can make that choice selflessly.

Yes. Definitely.

I edited my original response a bit, after I noticed that the OP had updated her comments.

[lilyka]

If you do not want to be a parent. And cannot be a parent. I think it is ok to relinquish custody of your child. It is not different than a parent placing their child for adoption. However I think you cannot position yourself as a side item in your child life and expect to still be his superhero mom. He will not understand. he may not ever forgive. If you walk away you have to be prepared to walk out of his heart forever.

And I don't know what the laws are where you are but you won't be allowed to just walk away. if you leave your child with his father as the primary care giver you will most likely be expected to pay child support. You will need a job. a real live grown up life. You may not want to grow up but you are a grown up and with that comes responsibilities. And they are not all that fun. But that is life.

I would continue with counseling before making any decisions. If you have bipolar and treatment is not working and you are scared you may make decisions you will regret you may want to consider some inpatient therapy.