How can I deal with my FIL without losing my 'cool'? Is it even possible?

[goldingoddess]

Here is some background.

FIL left MIL when hubby was 9 and SIL was 7. He went on to live an extravagent live in Europe while my DH and SIL lived in poverty in Tucson. Not only poverty, having to hunt for food, but also their step-dad was abusive, physically/emotionally to my MIL and DH, and sexually to my SIL. He knew this. When they would visit their dad for the summer, he was physically abusive to them, even broke SIL's arm once, beat up my DH several times.

He has had a brain tumor, at which point his behavior was much, much worse. According to my DH he is the best he's ever been in terms of anger issues, but even during these good times we got a call from his wife about 6 months ago (his 6th wife at that) that he was tried to choke her son (who is disabled and can barely walk, cerebal palsy I think, I know it was a birth injury).

Besides being abusive, FIL is a racist, and homophobic. He thinks that people in America should learn English or get out, and he says so when someone speaks in an accent (which is strange because his newest wife is Columbian-American and I have a hard time understanding her.) He is also very innapropriate, pulling up his shirt and asking me to look at a mole to see if it looked strange (wtf?), putting a napkin on his head in a nice restaurant to see how sweaty his head is then proceed to show us how wet the napkin is and point out his hair line. Going to the bathroom at the restaurant and sitting in the bathroom for 15 minutes talking on his cell phone, the restaurant only has one men's bathroom, and you could hear him in there. He also said he was taking us out to dinner then asked to split the tab (even after we drove him into the city and fed him for a week), we would have never gone out as we have no money this month and are already stretched thin by feeding him all week. This is a man who paid for a 50k car with cash.

He came and stayed with us this past week, and is leaving tomorrow. I'm a SAHM so I have had to spend a lot of time with him. DH works from home while his father is here, so I am never alone in the house with him.

So FIL is obviously a problem. But the bigger problem is that my DH will not stand up to his father, ever. He has been so conditioned by him (by years of abuse) to just back down and let his father have his way that he doesn't have the ability to call him out when he says or does inappropriate things.

I however was not conditioned by abuse and do call him out every single time he does something inappropriate or inconsiderate. It is tiring and creates even more stress. But I cannot tolerate when he accuses my SIL of stealing him and his wife's wedding presents, or that she stole his 'special blanket,' which his dementia ridden mother gave to SIL and she sent back to her when FIL accused her of stealing it. SIL never stole anything, does not steal and has cut FIL out of her life. So Istick up for SIL when he brings up the 'stealing' and I ask him not to show me his mole's on his back and I tell him it is inappropriate to make racial or homophobic comments. This creates a lot of tension as he sets his life up to be around people who will allow him to act so horribly, so he is not used to being called out. For example, we don't have a TV because my biggest pet peeve is listening to TV as a background noise, tongiht he starts watching sports news in the Living room, I allow it for 20 minutes, but when I start getting DS ready for bed, I ask him to use headphones and tell him it is because the background noise bothers me and I have no ability to filter. He is so upset by being asked to use headphones he has to leave the house for an hour.

So part of the problem is how awful he is and how stressed I get when he is around. I would like to be able to handle the stress better then having insomnia and getting stomach aches.

But the other part and ultimately the bigger part of the problem is my DH not being able to stand up to him and say simple stuff like, 'I think a week is too long of a visit, can you come over a weekend instead' or 'Dad please don't say racist/homophobic things around us' or 'why would you think SIL would steal form you', or 'my wife is very sensitive to background noise, would you mind wearing headphones' or 'please don't ask us out to dinner then ask us to pay half the tab because you don't like that my wife called you out for saying SIL steals before the food came' o 'please don't lift up your shirt in front of my wife, it grosses her out and no one wants to see your hairy, mole filled fat back.' or 'hey dad you really f'ed up when I was a kid and haven't offered me much as an adult, how about staying out of my life.'

He's afraid to even ask what time his flight was leaving in the morning. Yeah I'm serious.

Part of me wants to tell FIL myself that he needs to stay in a hotel the next time he wants to visit. But I'm afraid of alienating my DH, but at the same time he is choosing his father's wants over our family needs by not speaking up for us. The more I write this, the angrier I am at my husband for allowing his dad to walk all over him/us.

Anyone BTDT, is there a way to handle this tactfully, or do I just have to tell him myself the next time he wants to visit?

[sanguine_speed]

Originally Posted by goldingoddess

The more I write this, the angrier I am at my husband for allowing his dad to walk all over him/us.

Anyone BTDT, is there a way to handle this tactfully, or do I just have to tell him myself the next time he wants to visit?

Your anger is appropriately directed at your husband. I can't believe he would allow this man to stay at your home even before his wife was uncomfortable. You have CHILDREN living there and he has physically and sexually abused children and as far as you mention has not received intensive therapy or changed much over the years.
I would absolutely refuse to have him, and if your DH insisted on letting his father stay there, I would leave with the kids for the duration.
I would be furious with my husband.

[Caneel]

Originally Posted by sanguine_speed

Your anger is appropriately directed at your husband. I can't believe he would allow this man to stay at your home even before his wife was uncomfortable. You have CHILDREN living there and he has physically and sexually abused children and as far as you mention has not received intensive therapy or changed much over the years.
I would absolutely refuse to have him, and if your DH insisted on letting his father stay there, I would leave with the kids for the duration.
I would be furious with my husband.

I agree. The bolded statement alone would be enough of a reason. Keep repeating that over and over.

I understand you situation. My FIL (and his 3rd wife) were also very abusive to DH. It is very, very hard to witness. Contact with FIL would be a deal-breaker in our family.

[laohaire]

I am much more sympathetic to your husband.

A book to read ASAP: Toxic In-Laws. You can understand why your husband is acting the way he does.

Now, that's not to say your husband is acting appropriately or in a healthy manner. It's very sad that he is terrified of his father (but again, his terror is very understandable).

[peainthepod]

I would leave, taking my children with me, and stay with sympathetic relatives or friends until FIL was gone. No WAY would I allow my children to be in the same room as a known child abuser and pedophile. NO WAY.

A confrontation with your DH--even a divorce from your DH--is preferable to exposing your helpless children to an abuser. Obviously your DH needs professional help, intensive counseling, to resolve the issues surrounding his awful, abusive childhood. I'm also sympathetic to him, because I know the sick twisted loyalties we can carry in our hearts to abusive parents. But you can't afford to wait around for him to figure himself out. Your children's safety is the most important issue here and since your DH won't protect them, it's on you to keep them away from this predator.

So sorry, mama. It sounds like a terrifying situation. Don't hesitate--just get your DCs out of there and let your DH deal with his father on his own, if that's what he chooses to do. You are under no obligation to sacrifice your and your children's safety to your FIL's sick pathologies, or your DH's unwillingness to face them.

[LynnS6]

Your husband has been conditioned by years of abuse (from his step-dad and his father) that anything he does to stand up for himself will get him hurt. The only way he knows how to protect himself is to back down. (For the record, I believe it was step-dad who is the pedophile, not FIL, right? So there is one 'less' worry.)

Unless your dh has had counseling and has really worked on setting boundaries with his dad, I don't think expecting him to change ingrained behavior patterns overnight will work. You're asking your dh do to things that he does not yet have the skills to do. How can he get those skills?

I don't know the answer, other than to suggest counseling for your dh, and probably joint counseling for the 2 of you. Otherwise, you'll either have to get him to tell his dad not to come for so long (does he have the skills to make it happen??), learn to ignore the man, or take the kids and leave for 5 of the 7 days.

[goldingoddess]

Thanks for the thoughts everyone. I wrote this post at 4 in the morning when I was having super bad anxiety from the situation.

For the record FIL is NOT a pedophile, it was DH's step-father who was.

This morning I told DH how I felt he was letting us down by not having the ability to communicate with his father, and leaving it up to me to set any boundaries. We had a good discussion about it, but we did not come to agreement. He is in total agreement that his father is inappropriate, and an absolute horror to be around. He is so deeply embarrassed by his father, and now I see how it has shaped a lot of his views on Christianity (FIL is a 'devout' Christian and DH cannot stand the religion to the point of it being a bit over the top) and why he is so determined to be an excellent father and patient, loving person. But he does not feel that he (DH) personally allowed us harm by way of his father, since his father never directly attacked or criticized us, he said if that was the case that he would have stood up to him. I also told him I was upset that he didn't stand up for his sister, and he said he should have and will if he ever bring it up again...over the phone.

When I told him that I thought his fear of his father because of years of abuse is what has conditioned him to accept his behavior he did not agree or disagree. But did no want to talk about it. I went on about how he probably only surrounds himself with people who allow him to act inappropriately, and it is not normal. I made an example of how if my father put a napkin on his head at a restaurant, then showed us the sweat on it, I would simply say, Dad that is gross, please don't do that anymore, and that would be that, no drama, no big deal, just communication. But somehow that communication is not possible with his father without a potential blowout.

I told DH that if his father ever wants to stay with us again (he usually comes every6 months), I will be telling him that he must come on a Friday and leave on a Monday. We are in agreement about this, but of course I will have to be the one to communicate it.

I feel like I know DH better after this trip, and I love him even more for how far he has come as an individual. DH will never go to counseling for this. And as for us, I feel that we communicate very openly about situations and have the ability to talk things through respectfully and are generally on the same page.

FWIW we are both in agreement and have always been that FIL will never be left alone with our children. Also FIL lives 3,000 miles away.

[laohaire]

Seriously, get Toxic Inlaws (Susan Forward) from the library or buy it for overnight delivery if you have to. This whole book is for you.

[Latte Mama]

Good for you for sticking up to that toxic, abusive man! Now time to tell DH to get some much needed counseling for his issues and also that you will not stay in the same house as FIL, EVER. He needs to put you and his kid(s) first. My heart really hurts for him however, I really feel for you and your children more at this point.

ETA: I just saw your latest post. Why won't he go to counseling? Even my DH did counseling and I never thought he would go!

[sanguine_speed]

Originally Posted by goldingoddess

For the record FIL is NOT a pedophile, it was DH's step-father who was.

Sorry, mama. I misread.

You did describe this man as "abusive" however. It still doesn't sound like a great situation for your kids.

It sounds like you guys had a good talk at least. I hope this continues to look up and that your DH can seek counseling when he is ready.

[stik]

I'm all for losing your cool if it will do some good, but this man was abusive in the first place and now he has a brain tumor. It's not making him easier to reason with. Understanding his toxicity isn't even going to help at this point, except as a way of understanding your dh's choices.

If you're going to lose your cool with anyone it has to be your dh. Being around someone who is attacking other people isn't healthy even if you yourself aren't the target of that attack. It's very stressful. As your dh probably knows - it sounds like his personal cortisol production kicks into high gear when his dad is around, which might help explain why he doesn't say anything - he's kind of numb.

It's a bummer that your dh can't help with this, but you need to set your own boundaries for yourself. Let your dh know that when your FIL next visits, you and the kids will go away for the weekend. Tell him you love him and you know the relationship with his dad is important to him, but it hurts you terribly to see the way his dad behaves and you don't want your children exposed. Your dh is already doing a ton of work to break the cycle of abuse. IME, kids love their parents even when their parents suck. It sounds like your dh needs more time to figure out how to combine his love for his dad with more protective boundaries.

[LCBMAX]

Originally Posted by stik

I'm all for losing your cool if it will do some good, but this man was abusive in the first place and now he has a brain tumor. It's not making him easier to reason with. Understanding his toxicity isn't even going to help at this point, except as a way of understanding your dh's choices.

If you're going to lose your cool with anyone it has to be your dh. Being around someone who is attacking other people isn't healthy even if you yourself aren't the target of that attack. It's very stressful. As your dh probably knows - it sounds like his personal cortisol production kicks into high gear when his dad is around, which might help explain why he doesn't say anything - he's kind of numb.

It's a bummer that your dh can't help with this, but you need to set your own boundaries for yourself. Let your dh know that when your FIL next visits, you and the kids will go away for the weekend. Tell him you love him and you know the relationship with his dad is important to him, but it hurts you terribly to see the way his dad behaves and you don't want your children exposed. Your dh is already doing a ton of work to break the cycle of abuse. IME, kids love their parents even when their parents suck. It sounds like your dh needs more time to figure out how to combine his love for his dad with more protective boundaries.

I like all of this except the part where you lose your cool, especially with dh. I'm voting for your compassionate explanation to him that you and the kids will happily give him and fil space to work on their relationship, and that you'll support dh's choices about how he wants to participate in that relationship, and while he's busy doing that incredibly hard emotional work, you'll be looking after the kids and holding the family together. When he's done with his weekend with his father, he's going to need a solid family base to come home to him, with no anger, retribution, "I told you so"s or anything like that. Your dh will perhaps be working on his father issues for his whole life, and I'm guessing you want to be his biggest supporter.

Speaking from a little experience here - my fil is unmedicated bipolar and last year he got into the first ever agitated manic state my husband has ever experienced. Fil vilified me and was mean and awful to my husband. Because of my own issues, I took it very personally. It took me too long to realize that of course all this was hurting my husband so much more, even if I was the one being called names. I lost a really valuable chance to be as supportive to my husband as he always is to me around the most important issues. When I finally woke up to this, what helped was to keep pointing out to my husband the things in him that I admire and that make him a superb father and partner, and to keep my darn mouth shut and trust him to protect our little family as needed. With that, he was more than willing to continue his relationship with his father away from our house until we both judged that he had stabilized enough to come close again. So my husband grew into a man who could set limits with his father, WHILE seeing the worst his father had ever shown him. I call that heroic. Yes, therapy has been invaluable, but the skills were already there. Maybe your dh will benefit from your support the way I wish I had supported mine sooner.