I met my soon-to-be ExHusband when my son was 6 and my stepdaughter was not quite one. We dated long distance for two years- him traveling 2 1/2 hours each way, every other weekend, to spend with us, for TWO YEARS.
After that, I moved about 150 miles away from the only town I'd ever lived in and moved to a new town, a new state, to live with my Hubby (then boyfriend). I started a new life for him.
The first 3 1/2 years I was dating my Hubby, he was in court on and off with his daughter's Mother, for custody, visitation, alimony, you name it. They literally took him to the cleaners. But I stayed, because my Husband, my new family, was worth it.
The whole time I was with my Husband, my stepdaughter's Mother tormented me- told my stepdaughter horrible things about me and my son, flipped out it, God forbid, I did something alone with her, intentionally did and said things trying to drive a wedge between me and my Hubby. But I stayed. My new family was worth it.
My Husband's boss was accused of some illegal things and some of the workers got some of the downfall, my Husband one of them. He was innocent, but he could have gotten 20 years of jailtime. I stayed with him, because I loved him and I loved my stepdaughter.
My Husband was then out of work for months and months and we lived off our savings. I stayed with him, our family was worth it.
My dream was to have a child with my Hubby, and when he decided he wasn't gonna have any more children (didn't tell me for two years after he made the decision, just kept putting it off), I stayed with him anyways- giving up my dream was bearable, giving up my family was not.
We built a family together, with my son, his daughter, for 9 years. We taught our children, who knew eachother from the time my stepdaughter was 13 months (she was 9 1/2 when he left me) and my son was barely 6 (who was 14 when he left me) that family is something you feel in your heart, that nobody can tell you who your family are, that if they feel like they are sister and brother, then they are sister and brother (mostly said for my stepdaugther's Mother's benefit- she constantly drilled into my stepdaughter's head that me and my son weren't blood related, so we'd never be family). We really did become a family- my bond with my stepdaughter was stronger than most other bonds in her life (sorry to say, her Mother never really connected with her and her Dad did, but not as much) and my Husband was the only Dad my son ever knew. We were the "fairytale family", the love, the romance, the "happily ever after" family that all our friends and family envied, aspired to be like. It literally was a once in a lifetime love, not just between myself and my Husband, but with our individual relationships with each nonbiologically related child.
Last November, my Husband had some kind of midlife crisis. He wanted out. He wanted out, NOW. Screw everything that we've been through together, he wasn't in love with me anymore, he wanted me GONE. As in YESTERDAY. No fixing things, no easing into things, no working on things for the children, he was done, he didn't want a family anymore, "if we didn't have children, he'd be happy never seeing my face again" (that comment has since been retracted). Needless to say, I literally lost everything worth anything to me in my life. I'd never cheated on him, I'd never abused or neglected either child, I'd never stolen all his money or said anything bad about him, but for some reason, I deserved to literally have the rug pulled out from under my feet, to lose everything, without warning, overnight.
We went through several months where his best friend (who, incidently, came back into the picture about 6 months before he left me, after being out of my Hubby's life for over 10 years) was saying HORRIBLE things about me, to all our mutual friends, and my Husband never said a thing in my defense. We went through several months where my Husband rarely saw my son, and even more rarely let me see my stepdaughter. This was the only Dad my son had ever known! I was, out of the three parents she had, the main primary caregiver of my stepdaughter for most her life!
Things calmed down after about 6 months, and for the last couple months, my son-to-be ExHusband have been working on a friendship. His friendship means alot to me- we were best friends before we dated and, since he inherited most our mutual friends and I'm no longer in my hometown, he's one of my main friends these days. We get along very well these days. It's such a comfort to have kept at least that. BUT, it also sometimes pisses me the Hell off. If we can get along so well as friends, WHY wasn't our family worth making the effort to save?! It's not like we can't get along, it's not like our kids don't like the opposite parent, it's not like we don't actually seek eachother out (even HE calls ME sometimes, even HE initiates time together sometimes!). After all we went through, all we had, WHY would he throw it all away like a piece of garbage, when obviously there was SOMETHING there to work on, or else we wouldn't have been able to be any kind of friends. Why did he have to destroy our life together? (Even if we ever wanted to get back together, every one of his friends would mutiny and we'd never be able to financially afford it, anyways, because he burned all those bridges, put us both so far into debt we'll never get out.) Why did he have to destroy our family? We could never get back what we had there.
The Father/son relationship has been severely damaged. Imagine being 14 years old, never seeing your parents fight, and one day being randomly told your Dad wanted you and your Mother to leave asap. He trusts no adult now- if your own Dad can leave you like that, no other adult really cares, either.
The Stepmother/daughter relationship is wilting. How many times do I have to tell that little girl I can't come to her school play, I can't come to her camp party, I won't be there at her birthday party, at holidays? How many times do I have to take the fall and tell her "I can't make it" because her Dad won't let me tell her "I'm not invited"? How long before she wrongfully assumes it's because I don't want to be there?
And then there's me. I miss my Husband every second of every day. I want him back, I want my old life back, all the time. But if he ever changed his mind, how could I do it? I've become very cynical- if a loving Husband can randomly stop loving you and leave you after 9 years, then anyone could. He could do it again, any future boyfriends, certainly can. I'm not sure I believe in love anymore. Who's to say it's not all an illusion? How could I put myself through that again? How could I put my son through that again? (Or my baby son, due in January, from a very bad, very quick relationship after my Hubby, for that matter?) Too much damage has been done, and for what? Nothing. We're not at eachother's throats, we're actually close to best friends now. Neither of us are better off, neither of the kids are better off now, either, so why did he have to go and destroy everything we worked on for the last 9 years? It gets me so frustrated and so pissed off sometimes. It was all for nothing.
After that, I moved about 150 miles away from the only town I'd ever lived in and moved to a new town, a new state, to live with my Hubby (then boyfriend). I started a new life for him.
The first 3 1/2 years I was dating my Hubby, he was in court on and off with his daughter's Mother, for custody, visitation, alimony, you name it. They literally took him to the cleaners. But I stayed, because my Husband, my new family, was worth it.
The whole time I was with my Husband, my stepdaughter's Mother tormented me- told my stepdaughter horrible things about me and my son, flipped out it, God forbid, I did something alone with her, intentionally did and said things trying to drive a wedge between me and my Hubby. But I stayed. My new family was worth it.
My Husband's boss was accused of some illegal things and some of the workers got some of the downfall, my Husband one of them. He was innocent, but he could have gotten 20 years of jailtime. I stayed with him, because I loved him and I loved my stepdaughter.
My Husband was then out of work for months and months and we lived off our savings. I stayed with him, our family was worth it.
My dream was to have a child with my Hubby, and when he decided he wasn't gonna have any more children (didn't tell me for two years after he made the decision, just kept putting it off), I stayed with him anyways- giving up my dream was bearable, giving up my family was not.
We built a family together, with my son, his daughter, for 9 years. We taught our children, who knew eachother from the time my stepdaughter was 13 months (she was 9 1/2 when he left me) and my son was barely 6 (who was 14 when he left me) that family is something you feel in your heart, that nobody can tell you who your family are, that if they feel like they are sister and brother, then they are sister and brother (mostly said for my stepdaugther's Mother's benefit- she constantly drilled into my stepdaughter's head that me and my son weren't blood related, so we'd never be family). We really did become a family- my bond with my stepdaughter was stronger than most other bonds in her life (sorry to say, her Mother never really connected with her and her Dad did, but not as much) and my Husband was the only Dad my son ever knew. We were the "fairytale family", the love, the romance, the "happily ever after" family that all our friends and family envied, aspired to be like. It literally was a once in a lifetime love, not just between myself and my Husband, but with our individual relationships with each nonbiologically related child.
Last November, my Husband had some kind of midlife crisis. He wanted out. He wanted out, NOW. Screw everything that we've been through together, he wasn't in love with me anymore, he wanted me GONE. As in YESTERDAY. No fixing things, no easing into things, no working on things for the children, he was done, he didn't want a family anymore, "if we didn't have children, he'd be happy never seeing my face again" (that comment has since been retracted). Needless to say, I literally lost everything worth anything to me in my life. I'd never cheated on him, I'd never abused or neglected either child, I'd never stolen all his money or said anything bad about him, but for some reason, I deserved to literally have the rug pulled out from under my feet, to lose everything, without warning, overnight.
We went through several months where his best friend (who, incidently, came back into the picture about 6 months before he left me, after being out of my Hubby's life for over 10 years) was saying HORRIBLE things about me, to all our mutual friends, and my Husband never said a thing in my defense. We went through several months where my Husband rarely saw my son, and even more rarely let me see my stepdaughter. This was the only Dad my son had ever known! I was, out of the three parents she had, the main primary caregiver of my stepdaughter for most her life!
Things calmed down after about 6 months, and for the last couple months, my son-to-be ExHusband have been working on a friendship. His friendship means alot to me- we were best friends before we dated and, since he inherited most our mutual friends and I'm no longer in my hometown, he's one of my main friends these days. We get along very well these days. It's such a comfort to have kept at least that. BUT, it also sometimes pisses me the Hell off. If we can get along so well as friends, WHY wasn't our family worth making the effort to save?! It's not like we can't get along, it's not like our kids don't like the opposite parent, it's not like we don't actually seek eachother out (even HE calls ME sometimes, even HE initiates time together sometimes!). After all we went through, all we had, WHY would he throw it all away like a piece of garbage, when obviously there was SOMETHING there to work on, or else we wouldn't have been able to be any kind of friends. Why did he have to destroy our life together? (Even if we ever wanted to get back together, every one of his friends would mutiny and we'd never be able to financially afford it, anyways, because he burned all those bridges, put us both so far into debt we'll never get out.) Why did he have to destroy our family? We could never get back what we had there.
The Father/son relationship has been severely damaged. Imagine being 14 years old, never seeing your parents fight, and one day being randomly told your Dad wanted you and your Mother to leave asap. He trusts no adult now- if your own Dad can leave you like that, no other adult really cares, either.
The Stepmother/daughter relationship is wilting. How many times do I have to tell that little girl I can't come to her school play, I can't come to her camp party, I won't be there at her birthday party, at holidays? How many times do I have to take the fall and tell her "I can't make it" because her Dad won't let me tell her "I'm not invited"? How long before she wrongfully assumes it's because I don't want to be there?
And then there's me. I miss my Husband every second of every day. I want him back, I want my old life back, all the time. But if he ever changed his mind, how could I do it? I've become very cynical- if a loving Husband can randomly stop loving you and leave you after 9 years, then anyone could. He could do it again, any future boyfriends, certainly can. I'm not sure I believe in love anymore. Who's to say it's not all an illusion? How could I put myself through that again? How could I put my son through that again? (Or my baby son, due in January, from a very bad, very quick relationship after my Hubby, for that matter?) Too much damage has been done, and for what? Nothing. We're not at eachother's throats, we're actually close to best friends now. Neither of us are better off, neither of the kids are better off now, either, so why did he have to go and destroy everything we worked on for the last 9 years? It gets me so frustrated and so pissed off sometimes. It was all for nothing.
I couldn't read and not post. I wish I had something to say.
