Parents of only one gender...

[DivineMrsM]

So I have 2 boys. I have always wanted a daughter and odds are, I won't have one.

My BIL just had a baby girl this morning. And I AM really super happy for them, I'm sad and jealous for me. I REALLY wanted a daughter. I may have another child, but I know it will likely be a boy. And I will be fine with that.

But how do you deal with the constant longing of what you don't have? I don't love my boys any less because they are boys, but will I always long for that girl? How do I deal with the lump in my throat whenever I see mothers and daughters? When will the emptiness in my belly go away?

Is there anyone else out there dealing with the same thing? Any words of wisdom for me?

[AFWife]

I can't speak for me...because we JUST found out we're having boy #2. However, boys run in DH's family (like, there's only been one girl born in the past 30+ years...) So, I've kind of accepted that a girl is a long shot.

MIL has 3 boys (DH and two brothers). When she remarried she married a man with 2 grown daughters so she didn't really get the *daughter* thing. The one daughter with kids has 1 girl (that was older when MIL came around) and has had 2 boys since. She said she once had a dream that she had a girl...saw the birth cert and everything. (We've since promised to use part of the name in a future daughter should we get one)

Basically, when DH and I got together *I* became that daughter she never had. She takes me shopping, does my hair (she's a hair dresser), we go out to eat, etc...


I don't know if I helped...

[Joyster]

I have three boys, and would have loved a girl. In fact I went through a good week of gender disappointment when I found out this guy was a girl. The jury is still out whether we'll have another child or adopt, DH is worried he's getting too old. Me, I'm still very much in my child bearing years and haven't even contemplated the idea of this being my last baby. Denial is so nice right now. *G*

I sometimes feel sad at this point that I might not have a girl to impart all my wonderful female wisdom on , but it's never really with friends or family. Some of our dearest friends have girls and the boys love hanging out with them, and really, we're too busy getting in as much adult time between child crisis to really worry about gender disappointment. I think for me, just focusing on my enjoyment of my crazy boys, finding supportive friends and keeping too busy to really worry about it (with boys, it isn't too hard). I'm also praying for really nice DILs.

[Alyantavid]

First, I'm thrilled with my boys. I do feel like I will miss out on that mother/daughter thing though. It isn't overwhelming, but I do sometimes think that it would be nice. But I really don't want another child of either gender so I think that helps me deal with it.

[busymama77]

Originally Posted by Alyantavid

First, I'm thrilled with my boys. I do feel like I will miss out on that mother/daughter thing though. It isn't overwhelming, but I do sometimes think that it would be nice. But I really don't want another child of either gender so I think that helps me deal with it.

Same here! I live vicariously through my friends that have little girls. I get to buy the cute girly stuff for them, but I seriously think the big guy upstairs new what he was doing when he gave us boys!

[DivineMrsM]

I keep telling myself that I was given boys so that I can raise them to be good fathers. To be better than the bio father I had.

But unless I have a daughter in law like me, I won't see my grandbabies being born. I won't be able to impart my passion for natural childbirth, breastfeeding, attachment parenting on to her. It really makes me sad!

I pray my boys marry girls like me! LOL I ROCK!

[ChetMC]

Not So Different

Speaking as somebody who had two girls first and than two boys, I don't feel that the parenting and family experience is vastly different because of the gender of the kids. Not when they are little at least.

The stuff that you miss you can find in other ways. You can buy little dresses for friends and relatives. There are plenty of teenage girls around who could use a mentor, a special friend or a positive role model. Adult relationships can come from daughter-in-laws.

Really though, it's not like a two year old girls and a two year old boy are two completely different things.

[CherryBomb]

Well, if you plan to have more, I wouldn't lose hope that you'll have a girl. I had three girls, then got pregnant with a boy (which we lost at 16 weeks) and then got pregnant with another boy, who's due in October. After three girls I was also feeling like a boy would just never happen, then when I miscarried and found out he was a boy, I was shocked and confused (and it didn't help that some people told me "maybe you just can't carry boys" ). I have a friend who had 6 girls and then a boy.

Anyway, I don't think it's abnormal to feel a sense of loss. Until I lost my first son, I never wanted a boy, honestly. But after the m/c I definitely had a sense of dread like "what if I never have a boy?" So, I think it's okay to feel sad about the prospect of not having a daughter.

[theatermom]

I have 4 boys, and we're done. Even if we decide to adopt some day, I don't know if we would specifically adopt a girl -- most likely, we would remain very open about gender. Particularly because dh is very comfortable with boys.

I LOVE having boys, and feel blessed with our particular family makeup. However, I was also pleased that my SIL had 3 boys (her family is also complete). Each time she announced their gender when they were born, the small, jealous side of me did a little happy dance. Now, her younger sister just got married this past spring, and I know they're going to start a family soon, and it doesn't matter to me at all whether *they* have a daughter or not, so I know that it's really just a bit of rivalry between me and my other SIL (she's 9 months younger than me, and 3 years younger than my dh).

My mom died last summer, and there have been many times since that the loss of not having a daughter has really hit home. I'm surrounded by men (dh, 4 sons, my brother), and I can tell you firsthand that no matter how evolved and how in touch with their feminine/nurturing side they are, men are not women. This is a good thing, but relationships with MILs are usually very different than relationships with mothers (just as relationships with sisters are often very different than relationships with SILs). Also, there was a special on PBS last year, I think, talking about how mothers with only sons are 4 times more likely to end up in nursing homes than are mothers with daughters. So, yes, while there are no guarantees that having a daughter would be a good thing for me (individual results vary, after all), I've done a bit of mourning in advance, and secretly hope for some nieces from dh's youngest sister, and from my brother (not yet married), and eventually some granddaughters. It won't be the same, but hopefully awesome.

[rightkindofme]

I just had my second daughter and we're done. I'm feeling very mixed about having another girl. I was convinced I was having a boy. I have always always always wanted a son. I haven't reached a point where I am grieving the loss of that dream yet, but I think I will get there. I have dreamed about my son for years and it is completely baffling to me that my body didn't give me the child I felt like I already knew.

[tjjazzy]

i know how you feel, mama. we've JUST made the decision to have #3. i stopped taking BC but we're not "trying", yk? last month, i thought we'd had an "oops" (long story about my BC) and we realized (though i'd had an inkling before-it was my husband who had a major realization) that we weren't done. i've "known" for a while now a girl and a boy name; they've really stuck with me (haha it worries me a little about twins.)
i long for a girl, i really do, and i'm afraid to admit it b/c people always make such a point of saying "oh i don't mind either way", like if they expressed their preference they'd be saying they wouldn't love another gender. so untrue. i just really want that mother/daughter experience. is that so wrong?? no way. i wouldn't be TTC if i in any way would regret my baby's gender! i find it insulting if anyone even thinks that of me.
and i'm so girly! all this boy stuff around me is overwhelming LOL i need some balance!

[MammaG]

I have three boys and I did hope that this last one would be a girl (and it didn't help that EVERYONE also seemingly hoped it would be a girl. My Mum followed me around for months whispering 'don't grow a penis' to my belly ).

I have to say though that I love, love, love having boys. They're snuggly and my oldest is totally into clothes and flowers and baking and shopping....more than I am sometimes. So, if I have a 'girly day', I no longer call it that...I call it a date with my handsome and fun son.

I think we're done having babies. DH is done for sure, but he does say that he'd consider it in a few years if the business we're strating does well and we're in a really good place financially, emotionally, with the boys, etc. I guess I'd like to have a girl. I've always imagined myself as the mother of girls and as pp said, I'd love to pass along all my crunchy mother stuff....but there's no guarantee that a daughter would embrace any of that, YK? I think it would be excruciating to have a duaghter who scheduled her c-sect, bottle-fed, circ'd, surrounded her kids with chemicals...you get the idea.

And at this point, I think if we had another I'd be more comfortable with another boy. It's familiar, we have all the stuff, and we could put them in shared rooms right through college.

But, OP, I understand your pain. I do sometimes wander through the girls' section of shops wondering what it would have been like. I wonder if she'd have been a pony-tail or braids kind of a girl. Then I come home and snuggle my boys, who really, really love their Mamma to bits.

[Cascadian]

*

Edited by Cascadian - 6/2/11 at 9:14pm

[lilyka]

I have three girls. It would be nice to still have a boy but I would also love to have some more girls. I don't really feel like I am missing out on boys. But if things were reversed and I had all boys I know I would grieve not having a daughter.

[snoopy5386]

Originally Posted by rightkindofme

I just had my second daughter and we're done. I'm feeling very mixed about having another girl. I was convinced I was having a boy. I have always always always wanted a son. I haven't reached a point where I am grieving the loss of that dream yet, but I think I will get there. I have dreamed about my son for years and it is completely baffling to me that my body didn't give me the child I felt like I already knew.

This is me. I've got a 5 month old daughter and a 4 year old daughter that I love more than anything. However, I still grieve terribly for the son I'll never have. After I found out we were having another girl I was distraught for months, my pregnancy was completely different after that point. Which, now that DD2 is here, I feel completely silly about.

My cousin's wife is due any day now with their 2nd, and they don't yet know the gender. If they have a boy, I think it is really going to devastate me.

I would have a 3rd in a heartbeat and DH says no way, so unless so miracle occurs, I'm not going to get my son either. And even if he did ever agree to a 3rd, it's not like a boy is a guaranteed outcome anyways.....

[Lisa1970]

How do you know it will be a boy? It is 50/50 every time literally. I know how you feel though. Everyone else around me has girls. Literally, my children are the only male grandchildren on both sides, everyone else has had girls. I have had 6 boys and 1 girl.

[liberal_chick]

I'm due to have my 3rd boy and last child (dh had a V a few months ago) soon. I do wish I had a girl. I was really, really hoping this would be my sweet daughter. Not to say that I don't love having boys, b/c I absolutely do, more than I ever thought I would, but I'm one of 3 girls and I so wish I'd have had one to dress up and do girly things with.

I also worry (more than is probably sane) about the women my boys will marry. I hear how women talk about their MILs and it makes me so sad. And I remember how I was with my MIL in the beginning of my marriage, especially when my first child was born, and think about how heartbreaking that would be for me as a MIL. (I wasn't mean or anything, but I was total mama bear and didn't want to share him at all. I remember being so mad that the NICU let her hold him. Now I think about how sad I'd be not to get to hold my baby's baby and feel bad about how I acted.)

[mamadelbosque]

s to everyone... I have two wonderful little boys who I love dearly. But part of me would love one more - one more chance at a girl. DH has a vasectomy scheduled for dec (was going to be tommorrow :scream but scheduling won't allow. ), and we're 'done'... So yeah. I know in my heart that I'm done... but part of me would love a daughter so that I might have a chance at the mother/daughter relationship I've never experienced (my mother & I do *NOT* get along. )... and part of me is relieved that I never have to worry about ending up in *THIS* position w/ my own daughter - barely being tolerated by her.

[theatermom]

Originally Posted by Lisa1970

How do you know it will be a boy? It is 50/50 every time literally. I know how you feel though. Everyone else around me has girls. Literally, my children are the only male grandchildren on both sides, everyone else has had girls. I have had 6 boys and 1 girl.

Actually, I don't believe that it's literally 50:50 every time. From different things I've read, the *overall* odds may be 50:50, but for an individual couple, they may be slightly skewed in one direction or another. Men in certain high risk jobs, for example, (fire fighters, pilots, deep sea divers, etc.) have a tendency to produce girls, because the more delicate male sperm are killed off in high pressure situations. Certain women have a body chemistry that is more male or female friendly. Then there's timing. Some couples may be more or less disposed to dtd closer to or farther from O, which can influence gender. There's also the age of the parents to consider. If enough factors combine, then one couple may indeed have a strong tendency to produce one gender over another. I have a lot of anecdotes of friends and acquaintances in which one couple has 3-5 children of one gender together, but when one or both changed partners, they had one or more of the other gender.

Not to derail the original thread, just want to put out there that gender isn't as equitable on an individual basis as the stats would lead us to believe. Even if it were the same as flipping a coin, I've flipped a coin and gotten heads 10 times in a row. Even if my chances of getting tails didn't change, it sure *felt* likely that I was going to get heads on flips 4-10.

[Smokering]

I read somewhere that once a couple has 4 boys, their chances of having another boy in the fifth pregnancy ar 80%. I can't remember why, but that does indicate that it isn't as simple as 50/50. On the other hand, my parents had six girls. My father's the pastor of a small church, which I guess is a high-stress profession, but I don't really know why they only had girls. It isn't a tendency from either side of the family.

I hear heavy pesticide use in farming communities is also killing off the boy sperm (and resulting in "feminised" boys when they do occur). Sad.