Parents of only one gender... - Page 2

[Devaskyla]

I've got 3 boys & we're probably done. Both dh & I are sad about not having a daughter. I always wanted twin girls & that's it. Instead, I've got 3 singleton boys. Life's weird..

I desperately hoped ds3 was a girl; we all did. That doesn't mean we don't love ds3, he's awesome & we adore him.

I don't know how long it will take to get past this. I'm not sure I ever 100% will. And it sucks that admitting that most places leads to a lot of rude comments about how I don't deserve my kids & should just be happy; don't I know how lucky I am to have 3 healthy kids? Yes, I am very lucky to have my kids, especially since I've had over a dozen losses, still doesn't make missing out on having a daughter suck less

[DivineMrsM]

Originally Posted by Devaskyla

I've got 3 boys & we're probably done. Both dh & I are sad about not having a daughter. I always wanted twin girls & that's it. Instead, I've got 3 singleton boys. Life's weird..

I desperately hoped ds3 was a girl; we all did. That doesn't mean we don't love ds3, he's awesome & we adore him.

I don't know how long it will take to get past this. I'm not sure I ever 100% will. And it sucks that admitting that most places leads to a lot of rude comments about how I don't deserve my kids & should just be happy; don't I know how lucky I am to have 3 healthy kids? Yes, I am very lucky to have my kids, especially since I've had over a dozen losses, still doesn't make missing out on having a daughter suck less

I cannot STAND that, when people make the comments about "well, boys are great" or "just be happy they are healthy". OF COURSE boys are great. I know they are, I have TWO of them!! Just because I want a daughter, that doesn't mean I don't adore and worship my sons. And I resent having to always preface my feelings with that sentiment. Why is it not okay to be sad about not having a daughter?? I'm grieving the loss of a relationship I've always wanted and may never have. I think I am entitled to that.

Thank you, mamas, for showing me I'm not alone. I will certainly hope #3 is a girl, but I won't be holding my breath! lol

[cappuccinosmom]

This subject has fallen under my active search for contentment in all areas of life.

I have three boys. I always thought I'd like a bunch of girls, but apparently it's not to be. We are open to more children, so who knows what will happen in the next 15 years or so, but the way things have been going, I've decided not to set my heart on things that are so iffy (more children, or specifically girls)

I think there will always be a sort of "I wish..." feeling, if we never have a girl. But constant longing or pining for something I don't have and can't control is something I choose not to do. When I start to go down that path I look at my family and remind myself that I have every reason to be satisfied with what I have.

[Linda on the move]

I have two daughters.

I think that the relationship between a grown woman and growing girl is a wonderful thing, but both my DDs have been fortunate to have other women in their lives besides me. I think that it's possible to have much of the wonderfulness with a girl who isn't your DD, may be not at the same time you are raising your boys, but at some point in your life. I'd put that request at there to the universe (or god or however you think about these things) and trust that even if you never going to give birth to a girl, at some point, you will have a very special one in your life to take to coffee shops or get nails done or whatever that dream looks like for you.

In some ways, relationships like that can be sweeter because there tends to be a bit of drama between moms and daughters!

I think that many of us have to come to grips with the fact that our actual children aren't what we were expecting or hoping for from parenting. One of my DDs has autism, and I don't put that in this context to say "be grateful your boys are neurotypical," but rather just to point out that even aside from the gender thing, real live children are different than our orginal plan for children, and while the details of *why* we have to make peace with that are different for each of us, I think that *most* moms have to figure out a way to make peace with that.

It's OK to grieve the loss of what we hoped for, but the last stage of grief is acceptance.

[just_lily]

I only have one DD (we are TTC #2, emphasis on the 'trying') but my DH only has a brother. His mom desperately longed for a girl.

She was over the moon when we were pregnant and found out we were having a girl. I am not sure if it replaced the longing for a daughter of her own, but she finds having a granddaughter pretty awesome, and dotes on her.

[Lovebuggy]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move

I think that many of us have to come to grips with the fact that our actual children aren't what we were expecting or hoping for from parenting. One of my DDs has autism, and I don't put that in this context to say "be grateful your boys are neurotypical," but rather just to point out that even aside from the gender thing, real live children are different than our orginal plan for children, and while the details of *why* we have to make peace with that are different for each of us, I think that *most* moms have to figure out a way to make peace with that.

It's OK to grieve the loss of what we hoped for, but the last stage of grief is acceptance.

Bolding is mine.

This is just beautiful and exactly what I was thinking. I have 2 children....one boy and one girl....the "ultimate family" as I've been told by strangers over and over again. But my son is autistic while my daughter is neurotypical. So yes, I agree with what you stated so eloquently...our children aren't always who/what we expect but that doesn't mean we love them any less...

[Quinalla]

There is nothing wrong for feeling and mourning a loss for what you don't/won't have. It only becomes a problem if it makes you resentful of your boys, which of course you aren't. So mourn the loss however feels right to you and I would guess it will always be there a bit, though I think you can at least make peace with your feelings with time. And substitutes may help or may not, but it is worth seeing if you can pour some of that energy in longing for a girl into an avenue where it is needed.

For me, I have one girl and we plan to have at least one more child. I have definitely thought about how I will feel if I have another girl and we decide for sure we are done. Heck, with this child I was guessing boy and when we found out she was a girl I was happy, but also sad a bit for the boy I wouldn't have now.

[donutmolly]

We have 3 girls. Neither Dh or I have any strong desire to have our next child be either a boy or a girl. At this point it seems so incredible to think that we might have a boy -- which would truly be a surprise, as Dh had a sperm count done years ago which showed he had 3 times as many little x's, and would therefore be much more likely to wind up with girls.

The only time it bothers me is when someone outside my family indicates that we're missing out because we don't have a son. Of course, we'd be delighted to have a son, and we know that there are things we're not going to experience as parents of all daughters, but really, our family is what it is, and we couldn't be more pleased.

That said, I think I'd be sad to not have a daughter, because I am a daughter... so I totally understand mamas who really wish for a girl, as much as they love their boys!

[larzanna]

Originally Posted by liberal_chick

I also worry (more than is probably sane) about the women my boys will marry. I hear how women talk about their MILs and it makes me so sad. And I remember how I was with my MIL in the beginning of my marriage, especially when my first child was born, and think about how heartbreaking that would be for me as a MIL. (I wasn't mean or anything, but I was total mama bear and didn't want to share him at all. I remember being so mad that the NICU let her hold him. Now I think about how sad I'd be not to get to hold my baby's baby and feel bad about how I acted.)

This, totally totally this. I only have one DS right now, i had wanted a girl, but of course totally love him to bits. I am terrifed that if i never have a girl that i only will ever be a MIL. I don't want to only be a MIL!!!

[Smokering]

The only time it bothers me is when someone outside my family indicates that we're missing out because we don't have a son. Of course, we'd be delighted to have a son, and we know that there are things we're not going to experience as parents of all daughters, but really, our family is what it is, and we couldn't be more pleased.

Plus, really, any family is going to be "missing out" on some experience. Have kids spaced close together? You won't get to savour the individuality of each child's babyhood as much as if you'd spaced them 6 years apart. Have kids spaced 6 years apart? You won't get to see them sharing interests and playing together in the same way, or watch a toddler hugging his baby brother. Have an only child? No sibling dynamic. Have ten children? Less individual one-on-one time with mum and dad. Have a boy and a girl? The boy won't get a brother, the girl won't get a sister. Adopt? The kids won't echo your features. Have gifted kids? They may never have a "normal" childhood or lots of playmates. Have kids young? You might miss out on a lot of young-adult activities your friends are doing, and not be able to afford to take the kids to Disneyland. Have kids when you're older? Less energy to run around after them. Marry an amazing guy with three kids? You might find yourself a stepmum, too busy to even think about TTC your "own" child.

Obviously these are all hideous generalisations, so please don't flame me for accusing you of neglecting your seven kids. My point is, no family can have every good experience, because a lot of them are mutually incompatible. And often, life will take the planned shape of your family out of your hands altogether.

I don't think it's wrong to mourn that, though. Heck, my BIL and SIL, a mixed-race couple, have expressed sadness that they'll probably never have a child who looks like SIL. They have a gorgeous olive-skinned, dark-haired boy and are pregnant with #2... but even if they have ten, genetically, the chances are that there won't be a blonde, blue-eyed mini-SIL in the mix. And presumably she grew up with a reasonable expectation that her kids would look like her. So they're both a little sad about it - SIL makes jokes about how my DD, who is blonde and blue-eyed, could pass for hers, and apparently BIL recently made some comment about how if they "stole" DD, their family would look nice and symmetrical. It's just... that's how life goes, you know? My sister, on the other hand, is engaged to an Indian guy, and declares she doesn't care at all that her kids will probably not favour her (at least in terms of colouring - obviously they may in other ways, but colour tends to be the thing people notice first in terms of "matching" parents to kids)... but on the other hand, she'd probably be VERY upset if she only had boys. Girls are her ideal family "vibe". You know?