Experienced adoption mamas, please help me think this through...

[MissRubyandKen]

My cousin has a two year old daughter, I'll call her B. B lives with my cousin's mom(B's grandma), and my grandma. I've been helping them care for her by providing care whenever they need me. There have been lots of times I've kept her overnight and for entire weekends. Her father isn't currently in her life at all. Her mother visits her sometimes and attends B-day parties and such. I have three children of my own, dd 10, ds 8, and dd 2.

B's grandma has custody of B. Her health is not the best. She wants to plan for what will happen with B if she passes away. She has asked if we will take care of B. I've let her know that the only way I will is if I can adopt her. What needs to happen so that I can adopt B?

Also what sort of adjustment period would we be looking at?

Lastly, can I do this mamas? What do I need to think about and consider?

[misidawnrn]

I would have to tell you to contact a lawyer in your area. There are so many variables. Is your cousin still custodial or is the grandma? If gram has adopted her legally then she can allow you to adopt the child, if not then the mom needs to approve or DFS needs to be involved. Some states allow for family adoption without homestudies, some do not.
For example...my sister was my surrogate (using her own egg) and I had to "adopt" DD from her. I had a lawyer but didn't need a homestudy.
When DH and I adopted little DD from an unrelated person we had a lawyer, homestudy, background checks etc. This is all in Montana. Your state might have different laws.

[MrsH]

I definitely agree with the previous poster about finding out the specific laws in your state. The easiest way to do that is usually through an attorney or an agency.

The desire to provide permanency for B is an important one for you and her grandmother to address now, rather than waiting until her health declines. While it sounds like you both think she'll be with the grandmother indefinitely, it is important to have a clear legal status on this. The reason I say that is that we've been caring for my sister's two kids for over two years now and the birth father suddenly showed up wanting to parent. While he's backed off significantly now, it was a scary time for all of us. And while I'm all for birth-parents, I do believe that most kids do significantly better with permanency even if now with a birthparent.

In my state, it's extremely difficult to adopt a child without the birth parents' having surrendered their rights.

I wish you all the best, and as you continue your search, you might get more responses if you have some more specific questions? I wasn't entirely sure what you're looking for. Hope this helps!

[MissRubyandKen]

Originally Posted by MrsH

I definitely agree with the previous poster about finding out the specific laws in your state. The easiest way to do that is usually through an attorney or an agency.

The desire to provide permanency for B is an important one for you and her grandmother to address now, rather than waiting until her health declines. While it sounds like you both think she'll be with the grandmother indefinitely, it is important to have a clear legal status on this. The reason I say that is that we've been caring for my sister's two kids for over two years now and the birth father suddenly showed up wanting to parent. While he's backed off significantly now, it was a scary time for all of us. And while I'm all for birth-parents, I do believe that most kids do significantly better with permanency even if now with a birthparent.

In my state, it's extremely difficult to adopt a child without the birth parents' having surrendered their rights.

I wish you all the best, and as you continue your search, you might get more responses if you have some more specific questions? I wasn't entirely sure what you're looking for. Hope this helps!

That must have been stressful! This is exactly what I want to avoid. B has been in some abusive and neglectful situations in the past while under her birth fathers care and her mother currently has no wish to parent a child. I wouldn't want either of them coming along later and taking her back. I want what's best for B. On one hand I feel I have a shot in the dark at making this happen, but I do feel the sooner the better and that it would be best for B. Her mother is reluctant to give up her rights completely. I understand, but I wish she would put B's needs above her own. I don't have it in me to be a caretaker for someone's kid for x amount of years and I stated that very plainly to B's grandma.

Thanks for the replies. I will have to find out the specific of Ohio's laws. I am worried about the cost of this if I can get both parents to agree. It would likely have to be put off until about March-April of next year because of money. For some reason I don't see the mom agreeing right away anyway. She has B's grandma to care for B, so she can have her cake and eat it to right now. I did tell B's grandma I would be willing to allow B's mom visitation and such. Although honestly I wonder if this would be best for B in the long run, sigh. This is such a complicated thing all round to try to think through!

[Whistler]

Another angle to consider is the artificial twinning of your daughter with her cousin. We have had to consider this in adopting an older child that could end up being the same age as my middle.

It's not always a bad thing, but it can be very difficult and stressful, especially if your 2yo is used to B "going away" again after staying for a while. An overnight guest is quite different than a permanent sibling.

I don't want to sound like a downer and it could work out just fine! It sounds like you want the best for B, and a loving home is wonderful. But you might do a little research along those lines (there are some good articles out there) that help you consider how to handle that aspect of this situation.