non 'crunchy' friends IRL

[jenniferadurham]

How do you deal with your friends that aren't as 'crunchy' as you are? I havent been to the dr...havent even found one yet....and am ok with that. I'm in no rush to go. I'm very old school when it comes to pg/labor delivery....I have my IRL friends that are all "you NEED to be seen! We want to see pics of the baby(sonogram, which I wont be getting until wayyy later), etc" and I just explain how I am, and keep explaining. How do yall handle it?

I've never seen myself as crunchy, but now I do after finding out about what my IRL friends want me to do. I feel so granola! Kind of invigorating! LOL

[sk8boarder15]

Ok this might sound stupid... but I see the term "crunchy" on here all the time, what exactly does that mean? I'm assuming crunchy are very natural/AP minded people... but just want to be sure.

[Tresa]

I flip around from being on the more republican end of the spectrum around my "crunchier" mommy friends, and tend to be the hippie when I'm in the company of my conservative family. Neat, huh?

you've had kids before, I'm surprised your friends are jumping down your throat about medical care for this baby. Is being honest with them not working...just telling them you're comfortable letting nature take its course, that medical intervention isn't going to do much one way or the other, whatever your reasons are for laying low?

[lifeguard]

I just avoid the subject. It's easier ime.

[jenniferadurham]

Originally Posted by sk8boarder15

Ok this might sound stupid... but I see the term "crunchy" on here all the time, what exactly does that mean? I'm assuming crunchy are very natural/AP minded people... but just want to be sure.

Yes...thats how I describe crunchy. Cloth diapering, bf'ing, etc.

Originally Posted by Tresa

you've had kids before, I'm surprised your friends are jumping down your throat about medical care for this baby. Is being honest with them not working...just telling them you're comfortable letting nature take its course, that medical intervention isn't going to do much one way or the other, whatever your reasons are for laying low?

I'm not laying low I guess. It's only one of my IRL friends, and I think she's just freaked out by everything...she wouldnt even get on a boat for a girls night out until we forced her too. shes a scaredy cat in general. She had fertility problems and conceived one child and then had a historectomy(sp) bc of women problems before her pg. I've not gotten a response back from my last explanation. They arent ball busters...I guess I just wanted to see how everyone else dealt with this. I've never really had girlfriends before(weve only been friends for less than a year) and didnt know how to react. I tend to be very on edge and rudely outspoken when I'm pg. I dont know how to shut up and not be so direct. i hate that. lol

Originally Posted by lifeguard

I just avoid the subject. It's easier ime.

I dont have a problem with them asking me about my decisons...it just is aggravating when someone cant think for themselves when it comes to their own body...KWIM? Most of them are induction, c-secton minded. Man I wish I could have this baby at home...I'm just a chicken.<bak, bak>

[St. Margaret]

Sadly I try to just not talk about it. It's great to find a kindred spirit or someone who's similar enough that you can actually talk, but prior to DD, I mostly just said, "Bubble of Peace!" (from hypnobabies) to myself and came here to chat There was one staffer whose wife had a homebirth which was cool, so we could chat about wraps in the copy room, but other teachers were doing the whole lousy thing about birth and baby...

now, after baby, I found great AP circles to hang with. now I'd be the odd duck if I wasn't doing Hb this time

do your friends already have kids? if they are good friends and don't have kids, it will be easier to say share a book you're reading with them-- they'll get that you're in mama research mode and you can sort of leak your viewpoint to them, maybe get them to leave you alone at least. But yeah, if it invogorates you, whatever gives you power and energy while pregnant, I say!

[St. Margaret]

sorry, cross-posted with you. I think you can navigate it, but if you CAN find a little APish group to hang with every once in a while, it might help you, too.

[WifeofAnt]

I'm guessing by your self-tracker you're about 10 weeks. Some doctors around here won't even see you until 10-12 and when they do its practically all bloodwork.

I have had a few friends giving me the 'what you should do' speeches (anti-cosleeping, what breastpump and bottles to buy, the random products they think I need). I usually ignore it and smile. Of course even my DH thinks cloth diapering is a bad idea but I'm strangely much more independent and stubborn now that I know I have to be a serious decision maker for the next 18 or so years.

[CherryBomb]

I'm a pretty live and let live person, so it's pretty easy for me to deal with. Plus, I'm not terribly crunchy. I mean, I had an epidural free vba2c, but I did it in a hospital, so

[Banana731]

crunchy...like you like healthy all natural stuff, ie granola. I think that's where it came from.

IRL I work hard to make sure that I have friends, or at least people that I spend time with (play groups, etc) that have similar mindsets to my own in some way. Not that all the people that I know are just like me. It's almost as if we can connect on one thing than I can forgive the rest. Like I may be a liberal, homebirthing, cding, breastfeeding, homeschooling, atheist, homesteader-wannabe..but I have friends who only match up in one or two of those areas and are really just the opposite in the rest, and that's okay. The only people I know and would say that I am friends with that have nothing in common with me are old old friends and family, and really those things are common bonds unto themselves.

No one pursues a friendship with someone they have nothing in common with right? Maybe focus on what you do have in common when you are together and change the subject with the uncomfortable stuff.

[AtYourCervices]

I seem to find a lot of like minded mamas. Of course we don't agree on everything, but we seem to find one aspect of natural family living we both practice, and we bond over it.

I also tend to be the alpha dog. If somebody doesn't agree with me, somehow I intimidate them enough that they don't even bother trying to voice disagreement. Some may pretend they agree with me just to impress me. Others I will actually sway, not through vicious debate but through normal conversation and practice. There are certain subjects that I just don't care if others agree with me on it or not. There are other subjects that I feel very strongly about. If the subject is brought up (such as circumcision), we may discuss it further, and joke about it, but I can be very condescending to the point where I break people easily. My attitude, oddly enough, hasn't cost me any close friendships. Condescending comedy actually wins people over for me. It's all about presentation.

I'm good at turning the tables if somebody questions me and my beliefs.

[scrappin-mama]

I'm not as crunchy with pregnancy as I am with other things b/c I usually have a few complications that need mainstream medical attention, but in general, I just try to be myself. I don't 'preach' crunchy-ness to my friends, but I stick with what works for me, and they usually think it's 'neat'. I do get called the 'Earth mama' a lot, but it's usually in an affectionate way. I'm in the deep South, so our lifestyle is far from the norm for here. I know a lot of my friends consider many of our beliefs and ways of doing things to be weird, and it could definitely get to me if I let it, but I just made a decision several years ago that we would be ourselves and do things that make our family healthier and happier and just not worry about what anyone else thinks. I think over time, our crunchy ways are starting to 'sell' themselves as our friends see how well it works for us.

[MegBoz]

I don't really have non-crunchy friends.
I'm a snob. I'm judgmental. I admit it.

Quick story - friend of a friend at a party. Following are some of the things she said, and some of the things I thought (obviously, I verbalized none of it!!)

"I know you're not supposed to let your baby cry-it-out until they're 4 mos [or 6, I forget.] but I've been doing it anyway."

Meg thinks: Um, actually, according to a lot of people, you're never 'supposed to' leave your baby CIO.

"Oh, I didn't birth like all the rest of you. I wasn't interested in natural birth. I got induced at 38W."
Meg asks, "Oh, was something wrong?"
"Oh no, I was just tired of being pregnant."

Meg thinks: Yeah, cuz putting your body & baby through a risky medical procedure, leaving you with a very substantial risk of major abdominal surgery (first timer) just due to impatience is a wise decision.

"I've been BFing, but, ya know, it wasn't important to me. I didn't really care one way or another."

Meg thinks: Yeah, cuz, ya know, your health & that of the baby aren't really that important or anything.

I found this interaction rather unpleasant. I would absolutely not socialize with this woman of my own accord. Simply way too frustrating for me.

& that is to say nothing of people who HIT their kids. My neighbor smacked her 18 month old in front of me & my DS. I'm thinking, "Gee, thanks lady! I'm trying so hard to teach my 26 MO DS not to hit, and seeing a grown-up hit a child is definitely not going to help matters in my attempts to reinforce 'no hitting.'" Again, people I will not socialize with.

That is not to say that I agree 100% on everything with all my friends & family, but I've found that people who are educated & compassionate just don't act like the above mainstream-mama. I was the first of my friends to have kids & as they've followed, they've been AP parents too. So it's not that I only chose friends who are 'crunchy/AP' - it's more that the type of people whose company I enjoy also happen to be mostly crunchy/AP. I'm also lucky that I made a few more crunchy-mama friends through a Baltimore "natural mothering" group.

Originally Posted by Banana731

Like I may be a liberal, homebirthing, cding, breastfeeding, homeschooling, atheist, homesteader-wannabe..but I have friends who only match up in one or two of those areas and are really just the opposite in the rest, and that's okay.

I'd say this fits describes me also --- but - I think the key for me really is people who use their brains & get educated. That's not to say I wouldn't hang out with someone who did CIO - a good friend of mine said he had to do it with his kid years ago, but he said it was a last resort & they did it only ONE NIGHT & then it was fine.

It's the nonchalant attitude of that mainstream mama, the coldness, what struck me as an almost obstinate refusal to get even remotely educated on birth (head in the sand) that I found repellent (i.e. someone I wouldn't want to socialize with.) Again, not that I don't socialize with people who have inductions or epidurals, ha - it's the motivations behind the behaviors, it's the personality traits that lead to certain decisions & actions that are the key.

& Hi fellow atheist!

[elmh23]

In my neck of the woods, docs and midwives won't see you until at least 12wks unless you've had many losses. Is that not the norm in your area?

[peainthepod]

I don't have any "mainstream" (non-AP) friends IRL. I find it hard to relate to people who think it's okay to hit and shame their child as punishment, who leave their baby alone in a room to scream herself to sleep, who unrepentantly mutilate their little boys' genitals and see nothing wrong with it even when faced with the mountains of evidence that it's medically unnecessary, excruciatingly painful, and has negative consequences for the child later in life.

I don't associate with child abusers, and to me, CIO, spanking, and "informed" circumcision (i.e. someone who knows all about how awful it is--and does it anyway) are absolutely child abuse. Circumcision in particular is just too barbaric for me to pretend to be understanding about, and if someone has willing blinders on about it I can't really respect their opinions about other subjects. I don't befriend people I don't respect.

DH and I left everything behind and moved across the country to a very AP-friendly community for precisely these reasons. I don't want my children to grow up as the only weirdos in their neighborhood, so here we are. It was a very good decision for us and it's been really healing to know that the brutal, authoritarian style of parenting isn't the norm everywhere, even among conservative Christians like ourselves.

[St. Margaret]

Meg, I think I love you That's exactly it-- there tends to be an underlying thoughtfulness that leads people to similar choices. I can be pals with people who make different choices as long as we are all being intelligent and respectful, but my really good friends are going to tend to agree on the important stuff and the comes-up-all-the-time stuff, because it all comes from a place of shared values. And I just don't have space in my life for people who are outright cruel to children. But I do know I am spoiled in having that choice, living where I do. But I made a point of seeking kindred spirits out, too.

[ombrooklyn]

I haven't been able to hang around those IRL friends because I can't seem to keep my preggo mouth shut. Normally I would just drop it, let it go, but when pregnant....Noway, nohow! So I seek out AP IRL friends and online support.

[finnegansmom]

I don't know if I consider myself "crunchy".
I do breastfeed as long as possible, we cosleep, i make a good attempt at gentle discipline (i raise my voice at times, i'm terribly impatient with my very trying almost 4 year old), I've never had Keifer nor do I know what it looks like. I don't eat meat but I do love ben and jerry's Phish Food ice cream. We have always used cloth diapers, and I even use mama pads now. I believe in natural child birth but could never myself birth UC at home because I'm kind of anxious about the thought of "what if". I also do prenatal testing and have ultrasounds....

So I'm not really one to judge, I don't consider myself "mainstream" but I know lots more women on this board are a helluva lot more "crunchier" than I am. I won't lecture anyone and was saddened when a friend of mine decided to nurse her second, for "the weight loss benefits" but then the first picture I saw of her babe at a few hours old contained a pacifier coming from the baby's mouth...and I cringed when she told me she was supplementing with formula until her milk came in. ugh. She didn't nurse very long and I held my tongue but I try to stay out of people's lives. She asked me what to do to help her supply and I gave her advice but I think once you start the road to formula, it often is one way. Anyways...I will tout the benefits of cloth diapers, because I think most moms don't know what they look like in real life. I'm am lucky because except for this one friend, all of my other closer friend have all breastfed, coslept, at least have attempted natural birth or have had a VBAC, wear their babies and are on my wavelength so it's nice to get advice from close friends who have your same beliefs.

For medical care, we didn't even tell our friends until last week (at 18 weeks) so no one would have known what sort of medical shenanigans were going on previously. I think 10-12 weeks is normal for your first real visit. I'm 19 weeks and I've had 2 MW appts, and one was the first one with the blood work and all that health question stuff.

[Adaline'sMama]

Originally Posted by MegBoz

I don't really have non-crunchy friends.
I'm a snob. I'm judgmental. I admit it.

This.

I have one mom friend that let her kiddo CIO and is all about scheduling. However, she is still crunchy enough to babywear, cd, breastfeed, and she would not hit. ever.

I feel like I cut some people out of my life when I got pregnant, and for good reason. They werent going to be an asset to me or my family.

If these people were your lifelong gf's I could understand needing to figure out a way to deal with them, but these are new friends. I would just say, "Ive had two children already, I think Im capable of making a desicion about when to go to the doctor." I would make your feelings about pregnancy and birth clear from the beginning, so that they know to back off and look for other ways to maintain a friendship with you.

[MegBoz]

Originally Posted by St. Margaret

Meg, I think I love you

Aww! Thanks so much! right back at you!

I was actually nervous posting what I posted - but figured, "What the heck? I'm going to be honest." I wrote such a long post to try to explain myself fully because I didn't want to seem like a nasty shrew!

I was thinking again yesterday about that "Mainstream Mama" & I realized her actions & attitudes demonstrated a lot of selfishness, IMO. Unwilling to have patience & even wait to at least 40W to make sure baby was ready to be born, the lack of importance placed on BFing, the lack of effort put into even attempting gentle methods to help baby sleep, etc.

Anyway, I'm just glad people understood my post. I'd never cut a friend out of my life for getting induced or something! I'm not that ridiculously judgmental! It is the attitude, the motivations, the personality traits that are revealed in the choices made by someone like that Mainstream Mama.