1st Midwife interview.. not feeling so great Tips?

[soontobemommyof3]

Don't get me wrong. The midwife was very nice. I don't know what I was expecting. I just did not feel comfortable and I know it was my nerves making me feel that way. I just basically read the questions off to her and I don't feel like I really got to know who she is. We met in my home and my husband just sat on the computer the whole time and didn't say a word which really made me feel irritated and unsupported. From what I felt in this visit there was no realconnection with MW 1, although I am not sure she had a fair shot. Any suggestions on how to make my next 2 midwive interviews less... awkward? Like what is your experience with this?

[Earthylady]

I've had conversations on the phone with MW's before ever meeting them in person. I pretty much already knew the moment we were talking (on the phone) if they were it or not.

I'm feeling that way now...there's one lady I've talked to on the phone that I just didn't click with, and one I've emailed back and forth with that I really feel a connect with that I've yet to meet in person, but I'm just pretty sure we will click.

Same with doula's really....either we click or we don't.

[soontobemommyof3]

From talking on the phone. I already know who I really like. But seeing as I have yet to meet her in person I am trying to keep an open mind. I just want to click as you said. In a way I want my midwife to be like a strong maternal figure.. that is hands off but still there to support and guide me on my journey.. I didn't really get a good sense of that with this interview. I sure hope I can get that, it would make me feel so confident in my choice.

[lunarlady]

I found it helpful to ask some personal questions as well as the usual standard of care questions. Like: What made you become a MW? Do you have kids? How many were born at home? Did you have any difficult labors? Are you married? Who watches your kids when you go to births? How long have you lived in this area? What brought you to this area?

I think it is hard to connect with someone it all the talk is clinical. I hope your other interviews go better. And be sure to talk to DH about pdarticipating more. After all, he needs to be comfortable with the MW too if he plans to be at the birth.

[MegBoz]

One of the best suggestions I read on interviewing MWs was to ask open ended Qs & just let her talk, instead of asking her specific things.
-Tell me about your practice?
-What drew you to midwifery?
-Can you tell me about some births that you felt went really well and some that did not?

Just let her talk & let her reveal herself to you.

Of course I DID also want to know the details like transfer protocols & rates, her feelings on GBS, what would risk me out, how frequently she likes to check fetal HR in labor, etc. But we did end up getting to all these things too.

On the whole though, I think it might be wise to not have very high expectations in terms of 'clicking.' I don't know how many options you have for MWs, but here, even in a fairly densely populated area, I have, I'm pretty sure, only 4 - and one of them just moved here recently. I'd hate to feel none of them really lived up to my expectations, ya know?

So I wanted someone who was hands-off, kind, but also on top of the latest research & competent to handle problems that might pop up/ know when to transfer. If I "clicked" I considered that icing on the cake, but wasn't going to be disappointed if I did not.

I guess what I'm saying is - this doesn't need to be my best friend or someone I'd invite to a dinner party. I just need to trust her skills so I have confidence in her midwifery ability & feel comfortable with her.

& you also may feel that you like her more as you get to know her & as time goes by. Actually research shows just familiarity makes us like people more. So allow for time & allow for a fondness to grow even if that fondness isn't very strong at first. Clicking may come down the road.

Now, I lucked out that I DID totally click with the 2nd MW I interviewed, but the first I didn't feel quite as much of a click, but I would have been perfectly content to choose her if #2 weren't available. Turns out #1 is back-up sometimes for #2, so that's nice that I'm comfortable with her too in the rare event she attends my birth.

[homemademom]

Originally Posted by lunarlady

I found it helpful to ask some personal questions as well as the usual standard of care questions. Like: What made you become a MW? Do you have kids? How many were born at home? Did you have any difficult labors? Are you married? Who watches your kids when you go to births? How long have you lived in this area? What brought you to this area?

I think it is hard to connect with someone it all the talk is clinical. I hope your other interviews go better. And be sure to talk to DH about pdarticipating more. After all, he needs to be comfortable with the MW too if he plans to be at the birth.

Originally Posted by MegBoz

One of the best suggestions I read on interviewing MWs was to ask open ended Qs & just let her talk, instead of asking her specific things.
-Tell me about your practice?
-What drew you to midwifery?
-Can you tell me about some births that you felt went really well and some that did not?

Just let her talk & let her reveal herself to you.

Definitely!

[soontobemommyof3]

I had my 2 other interviews today. I feel... indecisive.
MW #2 was awesome. She is everything I was looking for. But her fee is $3800 and the drive is long.

MW #3 was nice, but too structured and medically minded for my tastes.

So I am stuck between MW #1 and 2
If the issue was simply who I felt most comfortable with it would be #2 hands down.


But is not #1 is willing to come to my house for prenatals and is considerably cheaper about $1800. This is a factor I have to take into consideration seeing as DH is facing possibly losing his job, which would leave us with no insurance coverage.

#2 was very experienced and on the board of midwives for our state.

I just don't feel like I got a good sense of who #1 was. I would trust #2 in a minute with my birth. I just want to feel like secure in my choice that there is a little structure but not too much and that if I lose it in trasition someone will be there who can help me regain control.

I am sure #1 is competant, I just wish I could get that vibe and settle my nerves. I just don't know what to do. Oh and #1 was actually trained by #2.

[WingonWing]

This sounds crappy, I know: it sounds like you're having trouble deciding how much money your birth and your baby are "worth".

The choice is clear to me--start saving your pennies! Or, meet with the first midwife again and try to get to know her better. Maybe this time not in your home, so your partner doesn't have anything to do other than at least look like he's paying attention!

[soontobemommyof3]

Originally Posted by WingonWing

This sounds crappy, I know: it sounds like you're having trouble deciding how much money your birth and your baby are "worth".

The choice is clear to me--start saving your pennies! Or, meet with the first midwife again and try to get to know her better. Maybe this time not in your home, so your partner doesn't have anything to do other than at least look like he's paying attention!

Not exactly though, because its not like I would be choosing a incompetant midwife because she is cheaper. I just don't feel like I got to know that midwife as well and I would not want to pay an extra $2000 if I can have a wonderful midwife for way less money. I don't know though... DH says if it stresses me out this much to just go with the one I like the most.

[nashvillemidwife]

Have you considered that the midwife feels equally ambiguous about your meeting since your husband spent the entire interview on the computer? That would have affected the way she interacted with you too. She might see you and your husband as a team, and half of that team was checked out.

[Turquesa]

Originally Posted by nashvillemidwife

Have you considered that the midwife feels equally ambiguous about your meeting since your husband spent the entire interview on the computer? That would have affected the way she interacted with you too. She might see you and your husband as a team, and half of that team was checked out.

That's what I was wondering, too.

What if you called her and just told her the truth: "Hey, I'm not sure how you felt about our meeting, but DH and I were having sort of an 'off' day, and I apologize. Would it be too much trouble to meet up again? DH and I are still interested in working with you, and we had some follow-up questions that we wanted to discuss."

I don't think any reasonable person could turn that down!

I would then meet in a neutral location like a coffee shop where there aren't any of the usual at-home distractions.

Before you meet again, you really need to have a heart-to-heart with your hubby, too, and make sure he's on board with all of this. He should come with some of his own questions. I know that typically husbands come with the "what-if" questions, so that easily could be his role at your next meeting.

[amandasemele]

Originally Posted by soontobemommyof3

I had my 2 other interviews today. I feel... indecisive.
MW #2 was awesome. She is everything I was looking for. But her fee is $3800 and the drive is long.

MW #3 was nice, but too structured and medically minded for my tastes.

So I am stuck between MW #1 and 2
If the issue was simply who I felt most comfortable with it would be #2 hands down.


But is not #1 is willing to come to my house for prenatals and is considerably cheaper about $1800. This is a factor I have to take into consideration seeing as DH is facing possibly losing his job, which would leave us with no insurance coverage.

#2 was very experienced and on the board of midwives for our state.

I just don't feel like I got a good sense of who #1 was. I would trust #2 in a minute with my birth. I just want to feel like secure in my choice that there is a little structure but not too much and that if I lose it in trasition someone will be there who can help me regain control.

I am sure #1 is competant, I just wish I could get that vibe and settle my nerves. I just don't know what to do. Oh and #1 was actually trained by #2.

Ok, as a midwife, let me say how my interview process goes. First I don't consider it a interview. To me it is the first time meeting a life long friend. I hug my client when I walk in and the father too! Then I sit down and say ok, what is your #1 question? Then after that I talk. About everything, not just birth related stuff. Your 1st meeting should be to do just that meet each other. Feel each other out. I have had some that I thought nope, can't do it. We don't fit. Your inner woman knows, trust it. You also need to talk to your partner, he needs to join in and talk and ask his ?s as well. GIve them both a 2nd meeting. most will, and all should. Turn off everything and talk and listen you will know. And the midwife should answer every question you have. Every one. If #1 comes out to be diff great, if not go with #2. Dont stress, not good for you or the baby.

[Partaria]

I am about to interview midwives (first is tomorrow), so I've been watching this thread with interest.

I see nothing wrong with seeing about giving MW #1 another shot. But, if you don't want to fuss with that, just go with MW #2. I know from your signature this isn't your first baby, but is it your first with a MW? Either way, comfort is the key. Your comfort level with this woman can affect your experience so so much. You and she are taking a journey together, after all.

I know MW 2 is pricier, and that's a real concern. Have you thought about talking to her to ask for flexibility in payment options? The MWs I've set up interviews with are all willing to talk about reduced payments or a repayment over a longer period of time so that we can afford them.