Forget dating, how do you even make friends?

[GranoLLLy-girl]

OK ladies--so I was a stay at home mom for a while then went back to work last year and x left this summer. So I know how to make mommy friends who stay at home, are married, and have kids--BUT---how do you make other single mom friends?
I thought about joining a Parents Without Partners group.

Here's the deal: I still have lots of friends who are still married and whose kids sometimes play with my kids--but they now look at me like I am a circus freak and I think that secretly they cling more tightly to their spouses and lives whenever they talk to me because they live in fear that this divorce thing might happen to them....

So--how do you make friends?
Thanks for sharing your stories!

[MaWhit]

I made friends through volunteering, church (UU), and community events.

[sugarmoon]

I think this is a great thread.

It is definitely true that some married friends really react to the news of a divorce and pull away, for a whole mess of reasons. I had to learn to let it go, to know that it wasn't about me, but was about something *divorce* itself triggered for them.

I don't know if I have any easy advice about making friends. I've been lucky, I guess, that I've continued to make friends through people I meet at my kids' school, or around town. My closest friend though, is someone who has also been through a divorce -- she is now re-partnered, but deals w/ joint custody stuff with her older kids, and totally *gets* the single mom thing.

I know the common advice is to join things, but it can be hard to join things, or even take an exercise class, without childcare, and it can be hard to connect with people who aren't "happy little families" at family type things. I'm not saying it can't be done, but it can be hard. Look for people who seem to understand the idea that not all familes are the same, and work from there, I guess.

(((((good luck))))))

[MissLotus]

This is a good question, and a good observation about how the married moms you know react to you now. I've been separated, then divorced, since moving to my current town so that's the only way they've known me, but I've always suspected exactly what you describe.

When I first moved here, nobody in our group - meaning moms of kids my son's age, and I met them at the playground, etc. - was divorced. No single moms. Then surprisingly one very-married mom got divorced, but her ex meekly does whatever she says and she immediately got a boyfriend, plus her loaded parents live in an attached apartment so she has unlimited childcare... so she didn't feel much like a single mom, at least not one I can relate to. Since then I've only known two other moms in our "group" here that have divorced, but they somehow already had boyfriends the minute they got divorced (don't ask me how, because I'm not lying when I tell you that all the men in our town are married, elderly or gay), so they're divorced, but not single exactly. My best friend here is a very married mom. And she sympathizes and understands as well as if she were single. But it would be NICE to have someone who really gets it. Where to meet them? I don't know. Everything here is PTA, committees, fund-raisers for different societies... nothing very down-to-earth to join. I do have a few friends from "back in the day" still in the city nearby, but that's not my everyday life.

And all the married moms invite other married moms to BBQs, etc. ( Yes, I do believe they feel divorce is contagious!) so even if I was invited, I wouldn't meet anybody but other married moms. It's quite tiresome.

[surrogate]

I wish I had friends. I am a single mom, I work from home, and my kids are still toddlers. The town I live in has no parks, or moms groups. If I leave the house it is to go to walmart for groceries. I literally cry at night being so lonely...it is hard. I wish I had someone to talk to...right now my only "friend" is my ex, who can't really be my friend because his wife forbids it...

[Holland73]

I wonder if these experiences with married mamas has something to do with the community you live in. I have been very fortunate to have the complete opposite of experiences, but I also live in a big, urban city... so, perhaps, that is the difference???

All of my girlfriends are married mamas or single, childless women. The only single mama I am close friends with is from MDC and she doesn't even live in the US.

My married mama friends are amazing, as are my single, childless girlfriends. They are very understanding and have been incredibly helpful to me and ds. Additionally, they are also full of admiration and amazement at how I do all I do as a solo mama. There is just a lot of respect on all of our parts.

Anyway, I have met the majority of my friends via grad school, work (I am a teacher, so lots of women there) and other extra-curricular activities, such as a running club, a book club (I started) and just being friendly and outgoing with the parent's of ds' friends.

You can also check out: www.meetup.com to find other groups to participate in. There are often single parents groups listed there, depending on where you live and what is available.

Finding a friend(s), in which you have a strong connection with, is not easy. It is often as difficult, if not more difficult, as finding a good match with a lifetime partner.

[lilyka]

I lost all my friends with the divorce. I simply could not trust or feel close to anyone who still had ties with him (after what he did) and all my homeschool friends only hang out socially before supper time (and I was just like that) so by the time I got off of work they were firmly entrenched in family time. I was not about to encroach on that. Not to mention we suddenly had very little in common. And what with work and all I don;t exactly have time for playing with my friends. I need someone who can come sit and drink bad coffee in my kitchen while I do dishes (fortunately I have found a great friend willing to be friends on those terms).

Its been hard. But I meet people through church and work. Thats pretty much it. I have been reconnecting with old friends by way of facebook and that has been nice. its not the same but it is real people I really know and a lot of us have picked up where we left off. Its something.

[kblackstone444]

I lost 99% of my friends after my Husband left me, as well. Ironically, my Ex and I get along great, but all the mutual friends... either they're "uncomfortable being friends with both of us and knew him longer" or my Ex's evil best friend spread horrible lies about me because he thought I was "dragging him down, not letting them be a bachelors together", so he pretty much tried to completely delete me from my Ex's life. Now, it's hard to make friends, because I'm literally living hand to mouth, and I have no car, no money to go anywhere, no money for extra food to invite anyone over, no small children to go to the park with to meet other parents. All my leftover friends consist of my coworkers (they all live far away, so hanging out after work doesn't work), friends from before I moved to this state (only good for Facebook now- I'm over 150 miles away) and one neighbor and that's it. It gets very lonely.

[Halfasianmomma]

My only close friend is an MDC mama who happened to move where I live. We both separated from our spouses around the same time and both went through divorce around the same time. We correspond everyday and meet for lunch all the time ( ). The friendship has been my saving grace.

Aside from that, I've lost most of the friends/acquaintances I made at the Nourri-Source (local breastfeeding group) meetings I went to when DD was young, mostly because I moved in with my folks and was in another neighborhood. Had I not moved out of the neighborhood, I think we would have kept touch. They were mostly married SAHMs or WAHMs but everyone lived within walking distance of each other so we often ran into one another at mama-baby yoga, at the park, or the library.

XH didn't really let me have close friends so I didn't "lose" much when we split. In fact, I gained back a few friends he had forbidden me to see, and I've also made an effort to reconnect with my cousins, who all live in the area and all have children.

Finally, I have new "acquaintances" that I meet at the local playground/kiddy pool, or when I go to dance tango. The playground crowd consists mostly of married mamas, and the tango crowd consists mostly of single older men or very young girls. It's nice to walk in someplace and have people to say hi to, but these aren't people I'd call on in case of emergency.

[meemee]

well i have been hestitatant about replying here.

because in a sense i feel my situation is v. different.

i am an older mom. immigrant. AND i dont fit in. anywhere even in the country i was raised.

i am a full time student. i dont care about what most people care about. i am not into a house, 'family', car, retirement.... plus add the cultural difference and its hard to find friends.

my life is v. different now. there are only two indentities that i relate to. a mother and an activist in the making (native american issues).

and so i seek out specific activities. i actively seek volunteer stuff. being a student and having an 8 year old means i have time to do it.

however i am not looking for friends. as i go along i find i am connecting with people with whom i find we relate to deeply.

however will i ever have friends? i dont know. what i would like out of friendship is meeting once a week and hanging out. but i find that is not going to be in my life. i always have people who appear when i need help and then they become just facebook friends. all those movies of buddies sitting down together and laughing over lunch... that hasnt worked for me.

however in a way i am married to my path. its WHAT i want to do. people find my interest fascinating but its not their thing. so i become this thing to 'watch like tv'.

i do have friends. and they grow. i volunteer in a vast different groups - however all connected with this deep need to 'change' society, so things like an organic farm, native museum, native health, local wildlife groups.

so in that sense i dont think i will ever have friends. looking back in life i was always different so even though i had friends i have never had friends.

i have been involved in a lot of meetup groups. and its fun. BUT again i am 'watched'. there really isnt anything we truly can relate to.

so before you even look around for friends, find out what friendship means to you. how are you going to lead your life. what DO you want out of life.

i am a nerd. i have to have a goal. i cant do just 'hanging out'. there has to be some sort of purpose. i cant do small talk. i would much rather be hiking or camping. or exchanging cleaning our houses. or something.

so the people who i do hang with with single themselves who can go and do things at the drop of a hat.

so i would say... sit down and figure out what you want. what does friendship look to you? a replacement family? another 'husband'? if you are looking to replace your broken marriage with any kind of connection with friends, beware. it might not happen and you are just setting yourself up for heartbreak.

i have met some cool people thru classes like jewelry making, vermiculture... that i hang with once in a while and it really brings meaning to my life to connect with them once in a while. but like a family goes - i dont really have that. and i'm not sure if i ever will.

i look around me and i find friendship has been so diffferently defined these days.

but the way to go about it is to grab at any chance you get. like for instance you are at the grocery store and you see this cooking class and you decide hey you have the money but you dont know if you are really interested in that thing. you still go for it anyways... and you'd be surprised.

my closest friends i met thru LLL, church and classes i have taken.

[Super~Single~Mama]

My closest friends right now are my son's daycare friends mom's. Even one mom who I didn't know very well and didn't think we would get along is AWESOME and we talk now and get along great. Every single chance you get - chat with someone at school/daycare/whatever and just see what happens.