5-yr old worried about Fire and Death

[hilaryanne]

My 3 year old son picked out a little mini Babar book to read for bedtime at grandma's house tonight. We read it together (along with my 5-year old daughter) and it was a very strange book. Just a lot of random thoughts about things that use fire. They showed a picture of a house on fire (and the elephant getting rescued) and after the book, my daughter couldn't stop asking questions...

What will happen if we have a fire?
Why shouldn't I hide?
How will I jump out the window (we live in a condo in the city on the 3rd floor)?
I don't want our house to have a fire! I love our house!
What if you forget about me and go outside and I can't get out?
What if I'm lost in our house?

And on and on...and then it became about death (which she has already asked a lot of questions about in the past)...

I don't want to swim anymore because I don't want to die (she had one experience this summer with swallowing a LOT of water and feeling really scared).
I don't want to die!
I'm going to try really hard not to die.

Oh my...it seriously makes me heart drop into my stomach. She was obviously really disturbed by it, on the verge of tears through the whole conversation.

I am not shy about talking with her about these things...we sat and talked through it for about 10 minutes, even though she was already well past her usual bedtime. I wanted her to feel comfortable and safe. I stayed with her while she fell asleep, and after we talked about it for awhile, I tried to redirect her thoughts and gave her a list of things she could think about to get her mind off the fire/death stuff.

I feel pretty upset about this, because I was totally her when I was little. I worried so much as a kid, so much that my parents ended up taking me to a child psychologist to deal with it for awhile (i was coming home from school everyday with a stomach ache I was so worried). I still have problems with worry as an adult, but really feel like with maturity and faith I have been able to get a hold of it pretty well. I just don't want her to struggle with worry throughout her childhood like I did!

Does anyone have any tips? I will definitely want to bring this up again with her, to talk through it a little more when we aren't trying to get her to sleep. And to let her feelings come out even more. I guess my concern is walking the fine line between letting her express her worry/fear and encouraging it/making it worse by having her express it. For example, I think all the "fire safety" initiatives are great, except for her, thinking about that makes her worry more.

Any ideas? Thanks so much.
Hilary

[Xerxella]

I don't have a lot of ideas, but I had to respond. It seems most kids at that age have worries about death/injury. It seems normal as they fully realize mom can't solve all the problems in the world and bad things happen to good people. It's a tough concept for adults and tougher for children.

Also, some levels of anxiety seems to maybe be genetic. I think you should look back and see what worked for you when you were her age. Did the child psychologist work? What did he/she do that helped you? What other things helped you cope that you could use now? You said faith and maturity helped you. You can't hurry maturity, but you can talk about faith.

Good luck.

[Norasmomma]

Yeah I'm dealing with a form of this with my DD who just turned 4, she is now always saying while we are driving, "I don't want to fall off this mountain." We live in a mountainous area and now she has a fear of car crashes.

I agree with the PP, I think psychologically they develop a sense that the world is a larger place and mom and dad may not be able to do everything. Things can happen, unfortunately it's reality.

[sewchris2642]

Fake being in control even if you're not. Your fear transfers to your child. If you don't panic, she won't. For us, fire is a very real possibility which can happen at any time of the year but especially in Sept-Oct. We were prepared for evacuation when Dylan was 5 but it didn't happen. We were evacuated when he was 9. Both times, he was calm because we were. We had a plan and told him what would happen if. When he was 5, he spent much of the day in his car seat in the car while we watched the news, the sky, packed up the car and were on the phone. It was a little different when he was 9 as most of the places we would go in case of evacuation were also evacuated. But he was older and his only comment on our evacuation was that he didn't feel like he was evacuated. We spent the week on grandma's living room floor instead of in a high school or stadium which is what he saw on TV. In a way, he felt cheated of the experience.

[theatermom]

I have a friend who to this day makes a plan of escape for every new place she sleeps, even if only for a night. I know you said that fire interventions might make your daughter more anxious, but is it possible that if you sat down with her in a calm, non anxious moment and had her help you develop a solid plan for escape, that it would ease her mind? Also, make a plan for what would happen with her stuff, her pets, her family, whatever she fears losing. Working on it together puts her in control. Being out of control feeds anxiety the most.

With death, I suggest reading some of the materials that exist for families of cancer patients (you first, to gather ideas for how to talk to her). Talk with her about different beliefs about what happens when we die. Talk about the seasons (even if this seems elementary to you or to her -- it's a common touch point that is accessible and comfortable for most people), and how they change, and talk about death as a change, not an end. These are big, tough subjects, but I think the more that you can refocus her energy where these things are concerned, and the more control you can give her, the less anxious she will be.

[Adaline'sMama]

I would say a good fire escape plan might help.

I also wanted to tell you a lighthearted funny story about my husband when he was a child. He rode his bike a lot and he was always falling off of it and falling down in the creek next to the house and various other places that made him bleed. He went to the hosptial once because he hit his head and he knew there was a lot of blood. Then, one day, when he was 8 years old he cut his leg pretty bad and came into the house and very calmly told his mother, "Well, this is it. I think Im going to die." His mother asked why he thought he was going to die and he responded, "Well, Im about to run out of blood. This is like the 15th time Ive bled out".

He told me that he was so anxious about this for years. He laid in bed awake at night trying to figure out how not to be so rambunctious so that he wouldnt get hurt and waste his blood. His mother bought an anatomy book and went over how the human body works with him and his fears were gone.

At least you are dealing with this early and not waiting until she has been anxious about it for a long time. Hopefully there will be something you can do to keep her mind off of it. Good luck

[Amatullah0]

I remember when I was 4, I was terrified of the house catching fire. I don't remember why, but I was talking to my dad one night before bedtime, and I remember thinking of the image of a fire in my doorway, probably because my parents always told me that they like to keep the doors closed at night so if theres a fire the fire will take longer to come in the room, but all I could think of was "oh no theres going to be a fire in the house, and I'm gonna be on my own" and we didn't have a fire plan, not really, our plan was, ok, everyone meet out by the sidewalk, but no plan for how to actually get out of the house... BUT, I am still terrified of fire. perhaps thats a part of being an adult, and being a mother. A couple of weeks ago, ds was sleeping in our room, on the bed, and I was trying to meditate, and I was almost in tears thinking about what would happen if a fire(somehow, miraculously) started in the hallway between me and DS and how DS might wake up and get out of bed and see the HUGE fire, and get scared, and I would have to run through the fire and jump out the second story window to get out of the building. not very likely, but after about 10 min, i just had to go and lay with ds, and hug him and kiss him(and hope he wouldn't wake up so i could get some sleep too )