I'm starting to be at the end of my rope with my son.
He's always been hyper and extra-sensitive. I 'knew' for years that he was ADHD and SPD without getting a formal diagnosis. With increasing frustrations with his behaviours, we finally got a full assessment this past spring, and she confirmed ADHD and Asperger's. I just read on another thread (about Aspies on tv lol) someone described the main signs of Asperger's as "rigid behaviors, social skills deficits, and sensory issues" and yep that's my boy!
This summer we started him on Concerta, which really did help with his focus and self-control, but he was starting to get tics and twitches, so we've switched to Adderall, still working on finding the ideal dosage. We definitely notice the difference on days when he doesn't take it (we intend for him to take it every day, but occasionally we've forgotten to send them with him when he goes to his dad's for the weekend, for instance), he's bouncing off the walls and just... not "present".
Anyway, the thing we need help with right now is more about his emotional problems. Today he was just so cranky and whiny all day. I'm trying to "lay down the law" and just say "we can have this conversation when you can speak to me respectfully" but he just responds with more whiiiining and sobbing and making excuses. He insists he can't control it, or that this IS his normal voice, or that it's all *my* fault, etc.
At one point today, he called me from across the house using our phones as an intercom (love this feature lol)... he immediately started whiiiining again, I told him again that we could not have this conversation like that, gave him a chance, he kept whiiiiiining, so I said "I'm hanging up now" and hung up the phone.
He sat downstairs still holding the phone saying "mom? .... mom? .... mom? .... mom? .... mom? ...." for TWENTY MINUTES at least. Just this tiny quiet little mouse voice. He got "stuck", you might say. At one point I even went downstairs to get something, walked right past him, twice, he turned away from me so that he could keep saying "mom? mom? mom?" into the phone, as though he didn't notice me.
After at least 20 minutes of that, he started whimpering, then went to his room, and sobbed for over an hour.
Now someone might read this and think "well of course he was distraught because his beloved parent was ignoring him", but that's only because I can't really express in writing all that was going on that day. He really had *no* reason to be *THAT* upset. Yes, I was expecting him to pull himself together and talk to me with respect -- often he is able to do that. Eventually. I don't think there was anything unreasonable about my expectations for his behaviour. But when he gets 'stuck' on something, he absolutely MUST be right and will NOT fold or compromise or just be NICE about something, even if it means falling into a screaming 2-hour tantrum rather than just do a simple, simple thing that was asked of him.
Maybe it was unreasonable of me to expect certain things in light of his conditions? Maybe. But even if that's the case, it doesn't help my mood on days like this, because I just think "why do I have to put up with this? I don't know how to parent this child. The things I do would be MORE than sufficient for most children. I try so hard, so very very hard to do things right for him, meet his needs, and still this is what I get. Why does he have to be like this?"
Most of this evening, he was alright. We spend the evening at grandma's with his cousins, he was playing and laughing and having fun. When it was close to time to leave, at this point about 9:30pm, he got it into his head that we were stopping at Walmart on the way home. He had it all planned out to the last detail. Um, no? First of all, Walmart is closed, second of all, it's past bedtime for both him and his little sister.
Well, that set him off again. First, he's insisting that it's an all-night Walmart. He's saying we'll see when we drive by it on the way home. He says we HAAAAVE to go there tonight, we just HAAAAAAAVE to. He says, incredibly, that I said we could. (I said we could go to get ping pong balls using his birthday gift card, I did NOT say we were going tonight.) Okay, so he's upset that his plans were changed, but he was disproportionately upset.
In the car, he's fighting with his sister. She's 3. She says silly things. He's constantly correcting her, trying to tell her the 'right' way to do things or the 'truth' about how things really are. I'm constantly telling him, she's THREE, let her have her fantasies, you're wasting your breath arguing with her. But he HAS to show that he's right, he refuses to back down and just let her be silly, which is SO full of irony because he himself is the WORST for saying silly and ridiculous things and refusing to accept reality!
We're telling him to drop it, to leave her alone, and finally that we're hoping she'll sleep in the car, just stop!!!!! And he starts whimpering again. We get home and he gets to bed and starts SOBBING again.
Here's where it gets really hard for me. I don't know if he's sincere or not.
He has a history of exaggerating, of making himself look blameless. He won't take responsibility for anything -- if he bumped something off the table, it jumped off, he never touched it. Everything is someone else's fault. He's sobbing, body wracked with short breaths, the kind of sobbing you'd expect from someone whose whole family had just died, not just from being told to let your sister go to sleep.
Instead, he's going on about how nobody listens to him, how he can't control crying like this, how he doesn't like feeling like this, how his own self won't listen to him when he tells himself to stop, how he'd rather die than feel this bad, how he can't help it. And I can't help but think "he's acting, he's exaggerating a small bad mood into this huge production and he's saying he can't control it in order to evade responsibility for it."
And I feel guilty, because maybe he really is hurting so deeply.
And in either case, I've no idea how to help him.
Either I've got a kid who is thoroughly depressed and unable to control the slightest emotional problem. Or I have a kid who is so thoroughly manipulative and evasive of responsibility. In either way, I'm just left frustrated and helpless.
I ended up hugging him until he finally stopped sobbing and fell asleep.
I should say... if you've managed to read thus far, thank you... not EVERY day is like this!!! Our ratio of good days to bad days has improved as he has grown and matured, as we have found routines and habits etc that work for us, and the meds have definitely helped too. A few years ago, his tantrums would not have been just wailing and crying, they also included kicking and flailing and breaking things.
But on the bad days, like today... it's just horrible. And I don't know how to help him.
Thanks for letting me vent. If anyone has any useful advice, I'm all years, but I think mostly I just needed a sympathetic audience...
He's always been hyper and extra-sensitive. I 'knew' for years that he was ADHD and SPD without getting a formal diagnosis. With increasing frustrations with his behaviours, we finally got a full assessment this past spring, and she confirmed ADHD and Asperger's. I just read on another thread (about Aspies on tv lol) someone described the main signs of Asperger's as "rigid behaviors, social skills deficits, and sensory issues" and yep that's my boy!
This summer we started him on Concerta, which really did help with his focus and self-control, but he was starting to get tics and twitches, so we've switched to Adderall, still working on finding the ideal dosage. We definitely notice the difference on days when he doesn't take it (we intend for him to take it every day, but occasionally we've forgotten to send them with him when he goes to his dad's for the weekend, for instance), he's bouncing off the walls and just... not "present".
Anyway, the thing we need help with right now is more about his emotional problems. Today he was just so cranky and whiny all day. I'm trying to "lay down the law" and just say "we can have this conversation when you can speak to me respectfully" but he just responds with more whiiiining and sobbing and making excuses. He insists he can't control it, or that this IS his normal voice, or that it's all *my* fault, etc.
At one point today, he called me from across the house using our phones as an intercom (love this feature lol)... he immediately started whiiiining again, I told him again that we could not have this conversation like that, gave him a chance, he kept whiiiiiining, so I said "I'm hanging up now" and hung up the phone.
He sat downstairs still holding the phone saying "mom? .... mom? .... mom? .... mom? .... mom? ...." for TWENTY MINUTES at least. Just this tiny quiet little mouse voice. He got "stuck", you might say. At one point I even went downstairs to get something, walked right past him, twice, he turned away from me so that he could keep saying "mom? mom? mom?" into the phone, as though he didn't notice me.
After at least 20 minutes of that, he started whimpering, then went to his room, and sobbed for over an hour.
Now someone might read this and think "well of course he was distraught because his beloved parent was ignoring him", but that's only because I can't really express in writing all that was going on that day. He really had *no* reason to be *THAT* upset. Yes, I was expecting him to pull himself together and talk to me with respect -- often he is able to do that. Eventually. I don't think there was anything unreasonable about my expectations for his behaviour. But when he gets 'stuck' on something, he absolutely MUST be right and will NOT fold or compromise or just be NICE about something, even if it means falling into a screaming 2-hour tantrum rather than just do a simple, simple thing that was asked of him.
Maybe it was unreasonable of me to expect certain things in light of his conditions? Maybe. But even if that's the case, it doesn't help my mood on days like this, because I just think "why do I have to put up with this? I don't know how to parent this child. The things I do would be MORE than sufficient for most children. I try so hard, so very very hard to do things right for him, meet his needs, and still this is what I get. Why does he have to be like this?"
Most of this evening, he was alright. We spend the evening at grandma's with his cousins, he was playing and laughing and having fun. When it was close to time to leave, at this point about 9:30pm, he got it into his head that we were stopping at Walmart on the way home. He had it all planned out to the last detail. Um, no? First of all, Walmart is closed, second of all, it's past bedtime for both him and his little sister.
Well, that set him off again. First, he's insisting that it's an all-night Walmart. He's saying we'll see when we drive by it on the way home. He says we HAAAAVE to go there tonight, we just HAAAAAAAVE to. He says, incredibly, that I said we could. (I said we could go to get ping pong balls using his birthday gift card, I did NOT say we were going tonight.) Okay, so he's upset that his plans were changed, but he was disproportionately upset.
In the car, he's fighting with his sister. She's 3. She says silly things. He's constantly correcting her, trying to tell her the 'right' way to do things or the 'truth' about how things really are. I'm constantly telling him, she's THREE, let her have her fantasies, you're wasting your breath arguing with her. But he HAS to show that he's right, he refuses to back down and just let her be silly, which is SO full of irony because he himself is the WORST for saying silly and ridiculous things and refusing to accept reality!
We're telling him to drop it, to leave her alone, and finally that we're hoping she'll sleep in the car, just stop!!!!! And he starts whimpering again. We get home and he gets to bed and starts SOBBING again.
Here's where it gets really hard for me. I don't know if he's sincere or not.
He has a history of exaggerating, of making himself look blameless. He won't take responsibility for anything -- if he bumped something off the table, it jumped off, he never touched it. Everything is someone else's fault. He's sobbing, body wracked with short breaths, the kind of sobbing you'd expect from someone whose whole family had just died, not just from being told to let your sister go to sleep.
Instead, he's going on about how nobody listens to him, how he can't control crying like this, how he doesn't like feeling like this, how his own self won't listen to him when he tells himself to stop, how he'd rather die than feel this bad, how he can't help it. And I can't help but think "he's acting, he's exaggerating a small bad mood into this huge production and he's saying he can't control it in order to evade responsibility for it."
And I feel guilty, because maybe he really is hurting so deeply.
And in either case, I've no idea how to help him.
Either I've got a kid who is thoroughly depressed and unable to control the slightest emotional problem. Or I have a kid who is so thoroughly manipulative and evasive of responsibility. In either way, I'm just left frustrated and helpless.
I ended up hugging him until he finally stopped sobbing and fell asleep.
I should say... if you've managed to read thus far, thank you... not EVERY day is like this!!! Our ratio of good days to bad days has improved as he has grown and matured, as we have found routines and habits etc that work for us, and the meds have definitely helped too. A few years ago, his tantrums would not have been just wailing and crying, they also included kicking and flailing and breaking things.
But on the bad days, like today... it's just horrible. And I don't know how to help him.
Thanks for letting me vent. If anyone has any useful advice, I'm all years, but I think mostly I just needed a sympathetic audience...
and always has been. I really should get involved with that autism center, shouldn't I?
It's jaw-dropping and laughable. And irritating.
