How Many Bites Are Too Many (at daycare)?

[konayossie]

My son is 17 mos and has just restarted daycare when the school year began. This is his 4th week back. It's an inhome daycare, with probably about 7-10 kids, mostly under 4 when my son is there. There's a new little girl who apparently is a biter and that the teachers have referred to as being "aggressive." The first week DS was back, the DC providers discovered three sets of bite marks on his upper buttock region during a diaper change. They said that they never heard him cry out or act as if he was hurt, so they see or even know that the biting had occurred till later. The little girl believed to be responsible said she did it, but again, it's hard to tell if she was just "confessing" or if she really did (I think she's just about 2 and not super-verbal, plus if it had happened hours earlier--who knows). I was like, fine, these things happen, no biggie. Then later that week, they catch my son biting that little girl. I am horrified and apologetic to DC teachers, but not surprised b/c he does bite me and DH at home when his teeth are bothering him (we're working on it, but it's very much in-progress). He stopped in mid-bite when they caught him and told him to stop. They haven't had any trouble since then with biting and DS (I keep asking). Fastforward to last night, and I discover that he was bitten on the back of his shoulder, and it looked quite painful with bruising (but no clear skin breaks).

So for those of you are experienced DC parents or providers--how much biting should I consider to just go with the terroritory? I just have no idea if I should be upset about the fact that no one seems to notice DS being bitten (it's got to hurt!) or if I shouldn't rock the boat since I know every kid can't be watched ALL the time and my DS is just as likely to do something like this. It's also *possible* DS isn't crying--he's a pretty tough little cookie, but I find it doubtful. I'd want to cry if someone were biting me that hard. Where's the line between over-protective and standing up for DS? I will definitely talk to them about it when I see the afternoon teachers at pick-up, but I'm not sure if I should go further. Should I be asking for some kind of a plan from the owner (who's not present with the kids most of the time) to prevent this? I really don't want DS picking up that this is acceptable behavior, especially since he already inclined towards it!

[One_Girl]

I don't think you can expect other toddlers to be any better than your own child is at not biting. If they are actively working to stop the little girl and your child from biting, as well as the other children, then I think that is the best you can expect. If they don't seem to be actively working to prevent violence from happening and responding quickly when it is about to happen then I think you should look for a daycare where they are more proactive. When my dd was in a daycare going through a biting phase they gave all the kids teethers at a set time in the morning and afternoon and that helped a lot. Only one child bit consistently after they started doing that and they were able to help him work through that.

[jnet24]

I wouldn't be that concerned with the actual biting, but bothered by the fact they aren't even noticing him getting bit. I understand you cant possibly see everything all the time but they have missed four bites already. It doesn't seem to me like they are being proactive about the biting.

[just_lily]

I agree with the PPs that I would be less concerned about the biting than I would be about the apparent lack of supervision. It seems really strange to me that one kid could be biting another kid without anyone noticing. Especially multiple times. I would also want a plan from the daycare about how they are going to try to prevent future bites. These things happen, but they need to have a plan to make sure things don't get worse.

I would definitely be upset about finding marks on my child that I wasn't notified of.

[junipermuse]

If your son isn't crying out, it can be really hard to catch the biting in the act. I know it would be nice if the care-providers always caught it in the act or better yet saw the bite about to happen, but my experience as an early childhood teacher is that 2/3 of bites seem to happen when your eyes are somewhere else. But the crying is what usually alerts you to the situation. So if your son is taking it in stride, they may never realize that the biting occurred. Is it possible your son has a particularly high pain threshold. My experience is that kids with high pain thresholds often come home from preschool/daycare with all sorts of bumps and bruises (or even bites) that the teachers/care providers have a hard time explaining because the child isn't upset when the injury occurs. They obviously caught your son in mid-bite so they do seem to be paying attention to the kids. I would just want to make sure that the daycare is providing appropriate outlets for the kids to bite and plenty of activities for the children (some will bite out of boredom because of all the excitement it creates).

[Alyantavid]

I don't think it's the amount of biting, but what they're doing to address it. When my younger son started his current daycare, he was in the midst of a big biting stage. So was another girl there his age. She bit him one time and he never bit again. But she continued to bite. Our provider repeatedly talked to the parents, kept the girl in her arms at all times to stop any biting before it started and eventually the girl was asked to leave.

I don't think the fact that no one ever sees this happen is a good sign. Where's the provider while all this is happening? And I'd be hesitant to blame this one girl if no one actually sees it and she gets labelled the bad kid because she's confessing when it may not have even been her.

[lilyka]

I too am mostly concerned that they are not catching it. i know you can't be everywhere all the time and if your son isn't crying out it is hard to catch BUT they know he is getting bitten. A LOT. Either the biter (although you can hardly believe the confession of a two year old. My oldest dd would confess to absolutely anything, especially if she thought thats what we wanted to hear.) or the bitten should be under constant supervision while at daycare until this problem is resolved. If there is a problem they need to be proactive in preventing it. My middle child was a biter. You better believe she stayed attached to me when other kids were around.

[konayossie]

Thanks for all the thoughtful feedback. When I spoke with the afternoon teacher today, she said they asked the little girl who had "confessed" to the first biting if she bit DS again, and she said "I bite his bottom," and they pointed to his shoulder and asked if she bit him there and she said that she only bit his bottom (again). So they are feeling pretty sure that she did do the earlier one, but didn't do the latest. They don't know who the new biter is and are going to be on the lookout.

I am also bothered by the apparent lack of supervision, although I certainly understand it happens fast. My fear is also that they won't catch my son if he is hurting others--I don't want him to get the opportunity to practice. I do think I'll mention the situation to the owner just to make sure she's aware of what's going on.

[Lilygoose]

I agree that the lack of a plan or creative ideas to address this is is a bit concerning. My DD was a biter. She went to a center so they tried a few different things in order to address this, none of them punitive b/c toddler biting comes with the territory. The first step they took was to put her in an older class (she was ahead of the developmental curve and they thought perhaps she needed more stimulation, so they figured she would do well). Unfortunately this did not help and she continued to bite in the 2 year old room (She was 14 months). The teacher then tried various different techniques including starting an extra snack at midmorning and adding more structured play activities (as this had worked in the past for some children). When this did not work, I talked with the provider about my DD's desire for personal space, which she had been indicating alot lately at home. With 10 2 year olds and 2 teachers the kids of course were frequently in each others space. The teacher did her best to accommodate this but it was really difficult, b/c toddlers don't really understand giving personal space. Ultimately she was moved to another room, the three year old room, that had fewer kids and these kids were also able to articulate and respond to each other better. This worked. She has very occasionally had a biting issue, but very few and usually if classes were combined for the day. My DD loves it there. I realize that changing rooms is not an option at this daycare, but there are other strategies they should be able to use-such as a snack, or trying to give the biting children a bit more structure. I know my DD is more aggressive in general when there is not enough direction and activity. How many teachers/care providers are with all these toddlers?

[shanniesue2]

we have been dealing with this at DS's new daycare... he's had 6 bites in the last 6 weeks. He hasn't bitten anyone, thankfully.

The big difference between what you're describing and what happens at DS's daycare is that we get an incident report that we have to sign. Every. single. time. Which means we never get home to discover a bite that DCPs didn't even know about. The Biter's parent also gets an incident report to sign. The incident reports are on carbon paper, so a copy goes home and copy goes in the children's files. The reports always include the situation leading up to the bite, so I know the DCPs are supervising. His teachers have also talked extensively with me about what they are doing in the room to prevent bites and to work with children once a bite has occured. They have also been open to suggestion.

If DS was getting bitten this frequently and the DCP wasn't doing these things in response to my concerns (or even proactively to address any concerns that I might have) then I would be much more concerned. Probably enough to find a new DCP. I understand that biting happens at this age (DS is in a 2 - 2.5 room). But I also know that DS's teachers are right on top of it and working very hard to find creative and workable solutions. It doesn't sound like your DCPs are doing that.

[ashleyhaugh]

Originally Posted by junipermuse

If your son isn't crying out, it can be really hard to catch the biting in the act. I know it would be nice if the care-providers always caught it in the act or better yet saw the bite about to happen, but my experience as an early childhood teacher is that 2/3 of bites seem to happen when your eyes are somewhere else. But the crying is what usually alerts you to the situation. So if your son is taking it in stride, they may never realize that the biting occurred. Is it possible your son has a particularly high pain threshold. My experience is that kids with high pain thresholds often come home from preschool/daycare with all sorts of bumps and bruises (or even bites) that the teachers/care providers have a hard time explaining because the child isn't upset when the injury occurs. They obviously caught your son in mid-bite so they do seem to be paying attention to the kids. I would just want to make sure that the daycare is providing appropriate outlets for the kids to bite and plenty of activities for the children (some will bite out of boredom because of all the excitement it creates).

i agree with this. as a daycare provider (in a center) theres been more than once i didnt see a bite. sometimes i saw the bite marks later, sometimes the parent said something the next day. if its somewhere i wont normally see, like on the back/shoulder/upper arms, its especially easy to miss if the child didnt cry