New! Please help!

[jenhill]

I have three children: 6yr dd, 3.5yr ds, and 2yr dd
I am interesting in learning more about
gentle discipline. Are there different techniques to be used with different ages or attitudes? I have always used a pop as a last resort. But almost always threaten. I don't want to have to pop my kids (I say pop-bc I don't spank with a belt I give a quick "pop" with myhand on the butt). *I am aware that all of you are against this, so please do not judge me. If you are just going to criticize me I would rather not hear it. Thanks*

I will usually use timeouts. or warnings. And this works most of the time. My two younger ones are the hardest to deal with. Which of course partly is their age. But like going out places and eating out is usually stressful (mostly when dh is with us). dd2 is so crazy sometimes. And I do not know how to get her to listen without eventually popping her.

I want to know what gentle discipline means and need advice and suggestions on how to help stop unwanted behavior.

[bonamarq]

First of all - kudos to you for wanting to learn a better way - my advice to you is to read as many of the suggested sources here as you can - start with How to talk so kids will listen which will surely be at your local library
I would also get your hands on Playful Parenting - a really great approach that gives you good tools for getting your kids to cooperate...

You also need to get your head around what is developmentally normal behavior for every age - this is hard - but understanding the roots makes it both easier to deal with and easier to prevent/respond to

Be proactive and preventive - you just may not be able to go out to dinner for a while - accept it for now and realize that if you MUST eat out (out of town, or whatever) then PREPARE with activities and make sure they are not too tired or too hungry (good advice for ALL situations - especially the store)

Lots and lots of physical activity almost always makes for better behaved kids, not enough and they bounce off the walls and start to drive you crazy

Lastly - read this forum regularly - you will see LOTS of issues come up repeatedly and lots of great suggestions for how to deal with them.

I once heard a really great analogy that sounds like fits your use of "popping" your kids - parents spank their kids when they are having an adult temper tantrum' - you say its a last resort and you just don't know what else to do - you are desperate for control and one of the very important aspects of GD is that you very often CANNOT control your children - only your response to them - yes there are times when you must remove them from a situation but again this is YOUR response, you are not MAKING your child do anything, nor can you -

Good luck - this will be a long journey but one well worth making - your relationship with your kids will be the stronger for it - and in the end this is the MOST important too, and the only tool you really have when they get much older than 6....IMO

[harrietsmama]

here's a great simple place to start:


http://codenamemama.com/2010/08/31/1...g-or-spanking/
My favorite is laying on the floor dramatically until I get myself under control

also, I highly recommend subbing to Scott Noelle's The Daily Groove, an easy one paragraph a day of wonderful support

http://www.enjoyparenting.com/dailygroove



the basics are to treat your child the way you want to be treated, model the behavior you want to see in them. Be honest and apologize when you goof. no big long explanations are necessary, a simple 'I'm sorry I used a mean voice, I'll try to use a calmer voice' or whatever.


http://www.playfulparenting.com/
Scott Noelle http://www.scottnoelle.com/parenting/unconditional.htm
Alfie Kohn http://www.alfiekohn.org/up/content/book.asp

[jenhill]

Thanks so much!! I will definitely look into the books and sites. And I appreciate the insight!!

[nd_deadhead]

jen, I applaud you too for looking at a different approach. My DH used to say "I'll be the best parent inthe world - all I have to do is the opposite of what my parents did". Unfortunately, knowing what NOT to do is not the same as knowing what TO do.

My twin boys are 16, and I'm here to tell you, gentle discipline/positive parenting WORKS! My sons are polite, respectful, independent, and empathetic. They are not ashamed to be seen in public with us, and they are not afraid to tell us what's on their minds - even if they think we won't agree.

We've managed to raise them without hitting, timeouts, or threats.

The bottom line, as harrietsmama said, is to treat your children with respect. Be clear about your expectations, and make sure your expectations are reasonable. I think it's important to remember that discipline means "to teach"; many people seem to think it means "to control". The trouble with punishment is that instead of learning how to behave, they learn how not to get caught - or decide that the crime is worth the punishment.

It's a lot easier for toddlers to learn what To do than what NOT to do, so avoid "don't" statements. For example, instead of "don't jump on the bed", tell them to get their feet on the floor, jump on a cushion, or sit on their bottoms.

Modelling appropriate behavior is another key. It's pretty hard to tell your 6-yr-old not to hit her little brother, when you hit her. Show your children how to deal with strong emotions (like anger and frustration) without hurting others. In our hosue, we have the same rules for the grownups as we do for the kids - if the kids aren't allowed to eat popsicles on the white couch, for example, neither are the parents. Again, that boils down to respect.

Remember that this is a process. The ultimate goal is not to have little robots living in your house who follow orders, but to raise thoughtful kids who can make appropriate choices. It takes time!

Good luck, and I look forward to hearing about your progress!

[jenhill]

Thank you!! I am going to talk to DH tonight or sometime this week. I want to let him know that this is what I want to do and make sure he is on board. I know this will be a process. But I am looking forward to it. I do not like spanking my children. And I always said I would never yell at my kids (which i have come to do often). Are there any websites that I can read more about GD?

[jenhill]

I found a couple very good artcicles in the discipline section under parenting. And I like the 101 things to do instead of spanking or yelling. I actually tried one today-haha. Very silly. DD2 and DS were fighting and I roared like a lion. haha. It was so funny. DS just looked and walked away. And DD2 acted scared. haha. She had a worried look on her face and said "no mommy". I know they were both pretty confused. But it stopped the fight and allowed me to talk to them about what was going on.

[harrietsmama]

That's great Jen!!! keep it going! Share the list with them so they can try these ideas too