Likable Children

[ChetMC]

Do you think your children are likable? How much do you think it matters? Do you think that kids are born likable or not, or do you think it's something parents can cultivate in a child?

[One_Girl]

I think that my dd is likable and I do think it matters to some extent. She has had two teachers she clashed with because of personality though and I don't think that someone can be 100% likable by everyone. We all have different things that make us likable and annoying at different times and in different situations.

[mamazee]

I agree with the PP. Being likable by person A means you aren't so likable by person B. And vice versa.

I don't think you can change a child's personality, nor do I think it's desirable to try. But you can teach kids how to be polite and gentle and compassionate and that kind of thing.

[tinuviel_k]

When I was young I don't know if I was "likeable" or not. I was very shy and had a huge inferiority complex and I think that people sensed it and responded by not approaching me as much as I would have liked. i was perfectly nice, and the people that actually got to know me liked me, but I don't think that I was an instantaneously likeable child.

My daughter, on the other hand, is incredibly likeable. She was born fearless, charismatic, and truly kind and loving. it is an interesting combination, and it has been a real education for me to see her growing up and attracting friends of all ages wherever she goes. She loves people and loves herself. People sense it and respond to her warmly.

I think a lot of this she was born with, but also quite a bit has been cultivated by us. I didn't teach her self confidence, but I helped her learn it. I didn't pass on the charisma gene but I did encourage her love of people and enthusiasm. But we sure didn't "make" her this way. We didn't push, prod, or force her to be likeable. We took what we received and helped her to grow and bloom as she was meant to.

As to whether being likeable "matters"... that is a tricky question. There is no question that certain things come easier to my daughter because people respond so well to her. She has never in her entire 7 years worried about making friends. No "first day of school" queasies wondering if the other kids will like her. Of course she will find a friend! When we go alone to the park she has every confidence that within minutes she will be running around with a new friend. I expect that these trait will serve her well someday in job interviews, making adult friends, and who knows what else.

[nextcommercial]

I think my daughter is likeable. I have worked hard at making her an enjoyable thoughtful person.

It matters to me. I know kids that are unlikeable, and they aren't happy as they get older. They are the kids who get invited to one or two parties and after the second one, the other parents catch on and remember not to invite him or her.

I want my daughter to be the child that people WANT to have over.

[lilyka]

I have a child who was likeable (people enjoyed her but no one was particularly drawn). One who was not so much (shy and grumpy disposition, biter, sqirmer). And one who was the belle of the ball. People went out of their way to see her, dote on her and she repaid them in kind by being the most delightful little thing. For what it is worth they all looked about the same. None was cuter in appearance than the other. it was all personality.

I think it is important. And I think you can help your child learn to be pleasant and social and likable. but I also think to a point it is also inborn. It also fluctuates. My oldest really blossomed and people just think she is awesome (she really is). My middle is still shy, sullen a grumpy a lot but sweet and polite. The people who make the effort to get to know her are very rewarded. The baby is still cute as a button but doesn't draw a crowd any more. none of my kids are unlikeable by any means but I think by this age that they are learning/choosing to be likable people more so than when they were small children.

[thehighernest]

I've been thinking a lot about this lately actually...my son is barely 18 months, so it may be too early to tell, but he's not the most outgoing child, isn't talking yet, and though he'll give us hugs and kisses, doesn't come across as the most affectionate.

I've noticed the issue of likeability (sp?) in day care. I can see, I think, that the providers pay a bit more attention, are more cuddly, etc. with some of the other children, pay more attention to them at drop-off and pick-up time because they're friendlier, say "hi" and "bye" with joy, etc. My son is more interested in going over to the puzzles to play.

I do worry about this, wonder if it affects how much attention they pay him, etc. I'm not really sure what, if anything, can be done about this.

[philomom]

I have one child adored by teachers and grown-ups. My other one has some sort of celebrity , demi-god status with his peers.

[ssh]

My almost 5 year old DD is intensely friendly. Adults and teens think she's charming but sometimes she intimidates kids because she's so excited. It's improving as she's learning to read social cues better and hold back abit with peers.

[meemee]

dunno.

it sooo depends on the person.

sometimes the very reason they say my dd is likeable is an insult to me. insult towards children. like when they say they like my child because she behaves. that is so insulting. because it is fulfilling their idea of what a child should be.

many like my child. many dont like her. they find her too bossy, too opinionated. the very reason teh others truly enjoy her.

one of my friends did not enjoy the whiny phase of my dd. she used to give us rides to events and she struggled with the drive on days my dd had a hard morning.

of course i come from a philosophy where any child is likeable whether you like their actions or not. even bullies as my dd shared with me her questions about the bully from Bridge to Terabithia.

that does not mean i dont find children irritating and annoying just like my friend did - including my dd.

and no as much as we'd like i dont hold the parents 100% responsible.

lets put it this way, i have never found a child i have not liked.

[Learning_Mum]

I think my child is likeable. I think part of likeability is natural disposition but I also think that parents help. For example DS1 who is 5yo has just started school. He's become kinda bossy and I've had a chat with him about how he can tell the kids that the bell has rung or whatever but that if they choose not to listen to him then he needs to just worry about himself and not what they're doing. If he gets grumpy because they're not doing what he's told them, or if he's telling him what to do all the time then I'm guessing they're not going to want to play with him much.

I think however 99% of kids are likeable, but I have met one or two that aren't.

[bri276]

DD is very likable with adults, she really knows how to turn on the charm without being annoying (she is too shy to annoy anyone). She just gives big smiles and everyone says how happy and cute she is. She has always had a lot of teachers/teacher aides who dote on her because she's very easy going with them. Not so much at home!

BUT- she has no clue how to deal with other kids yet. They try to engage her and she just doesn't relate. Her SN stuff. I wish I knew how to cultivate that more, other than what I have done with having her be around other kids as much as I can despite being an only child.

[Tway]

DD is 11 months, and I'd say she's pretty likable. She loves people, and will smile and laugh with anyone. Everywhere we go, she tries to meet strangers' eyes to smile at them and get them to interact with her. We're always getting comments about how nice, pleasant, lovely, alert, etc. etc. she is. We just spent a long day on a vineyard tour with DH's family, and DD fit right in (minus the wine, of course!).

I think she was born that way--although I hope our parenting (that is, not letting her cry by herself, holding her a lot, making her part of the family and not part of the furniture) is nurturing her personality, too.

That said, I also agree that some people just click well with certain other people. And we really do grow into ourselves with time and experience.

[shnitzel]

DD is definitely likable. She is 15 months and we get comments wherever she goes, she interacts, smiles, waves, says hi, and tries to start a "conversation" with everyone on the street, and we live in Manhattan so that's a lot of people. All the people who work at the stores we frequent and maintain nearby buildings talk to her and get excited to see her. She has a "sparkly" personality and is also very pretty which I think makes children more likable. She is always happy, except when she is tantruming, which makes DH and I really like her too.
I am always nervous I will have a child I won't like, some children's personalities are definitely harder to like than others.
I was and am not like her at all so I am a bit miffed at having a daughter like her.

[lifeguard]

So far ds seems to be very easy going & charismatic - much like my Mom & my brother & my dh - not like me at all. And yes, I do think it is important 'cause it makes life so much easier. I am the person I am today because of the negative social experiences I had as a child but would still trade that for having an easier time with people from a young age.

That said I think at least in part the "likeability" of a child is influenced by how they are raised. I didn't get along well with peers easily but adults liked me - I followed rules, was respectful & caring. I have young cousins whom no one (adults or children) can stand to be around because they are SO over the top rude & disrespectful. I fear they are in for a tough time of it.

[BellaClaudia]

I don't know, I guess it depends on time of the day and on who you ask

Generally speaking I feel that "cute looking" kids get more favorable reviews by adults as likeable. I see that people oftentimes asses kid just by the looks, if the kid is cute he / she just is likeable.. untill proven guilty

[shanniesue2]

Originally Posted by meemee

dunno.

it sooo depends on the person.

sometimes the very reason they say my dd is likeable is an insult to me. insult towards children. like when they say they like my child because she behaves. that is so insulting. because it is fulfilling their idea of what a child should be.

Speaking from a teacher's perspective, I don't really like the term "likeable." I mean, it's a really defining label to put on someone. Now, I have had students that were "harder/easier to be around" or "harder/easier to get to know." But it's hard for me to say that I've had a child that I didn't "like." I've had classes I didn't like--but that had more to do with the mix of kids than with the individual kids themselves, if that makes any sense.

And as for the good behavior thing... that doesn't always make a child "likeable." For example, I have one this year who has some real issues with overreacting, transitions, separation, and a number of other things that lead to frequent and quite disruptive meltdowns. However, there's something about his personality that's quirky and smart and makes me think of some of the more "likeable" aspects of my son... and so I really "like" this little boy. And on the other hand, I've had children that behaved perfectly well, but that were so quiet and shy that it was nearly impossible for me to really get to know them. Not that I didn't like them or that they didn't behave or anything negative. And I have had some who individually had quite charming personalities and were very funny, but get them with just the wrong mix of kids and they were some of the hardest kids I can think of to be around just b/c it was so frustrating to try and manage the behavior. But I still don't think about it in terms of whether or not I "like" the child. Because it's possible to see the positive (and the negative) in all children.

So, basically, the term "likeable" is kind of an awkward descriptor because it is so broad and doesn't really allow for the many individual nuances that you find in children.

[The4OfUs]

I have one "easy to be around" kid, and one " (sometimes) not as easy to be around" kid. Both raised the same way by the same parents, so I'm going to say it's mostly inborn. Having said that, with the (sometimes) not as easy to be around one (because sometimes she is an absolute delight with no input from us whatsoever), we have worked with her since she was a toddler and require her to be polite and respectful, because oftentimes her instincts lean towards rude and disrespectful (especially if she's in a bad mood). We talk a lot about how it's OK to have negative feelings, but it's not OK to treat others badly.

DS (now 6-1/2) has been naturally polite, friendly, and talkative since early toddlerhood on his own with just modelling from DH and me. DD (4), well, we've done the same modelling, and more active teaching with her, and she's still hit or miss, I'd say 50% of the time she's polite and friendly/chatty, and 50% of the time she'll scowl and turn her head with her arms crossed and harumph. Sigh. So again, to me, it's termperament. For both of them, these traits span across their peers, older kids, and all the way up to adults.

I don't want my kids to worry about whether everyone liks them or not really, I'd rather them just treat everyone respectfully and let things go from there - if people like them, they do - if they don't, they don't...and this is something I struggle with, and I know my son does to, even though he is really a people magnet - so it's something that is definitely on my radar. So long as they're kind and not harming anyone, whether or not they are well liked isn't a huge issue.

This, to me, is different than having good/close friends. I very much want my kids to have a few people they can absolutely depend on.

[leighi123]

Everyone seems to like ds. I get constant compliments on him, and I dont know anyone who didnt seem to like him right away.

Its weird b/c I think I am the opposite, people usually think Im strange until they get to know me. I have aspergers though so I guess I give off a weird vibe b/c of things like my lack of eye contact.

Ds has been 'likable' sense forever. As soon as he was able, he'd wave at everyone, and one of his first words (after 'da' for dog/duck) was 'hi' which he said to everyone.
He is such a sweet kid - he goes up to people and says 'Hi my name is Levi, whats your name' and 'nice to meet you'. And always uses 'please, thankyou, youre welcome' etc.
I've taught him to be polite and that seems to go a looong way as far as people 'liking' him.

[musikat]

Likeable by who? My oldest (8) seems to be well liked by his peers (they find him funny) but personally I don't always find him likeable. I love him to pieces but he is not as popular with grown-ups. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that he has ADHD and can be difficult to be around, particularly just dealing with the energy level!

Now my middle one (6) gravitates to adults. He can converse with any adult and they generally respond positively. He has a harder time with peers. I think they don't "get" him so much and a lot of what he talks about or wants to play just isn't in sync with his age-group.

My little one (3) is cute and sweet and seems to get along with everyone so far, but time will tell.

I am of course biased but I think they are all good looking boys and smart, funny, etc., so I think it is very relative.